I cant seem to get myself to let go!

[renaissancewoman101]

I am not sure what I am trying to do, maybe just rambling on here helps me. I can't let my ex go and it is bugging me like hell. Sometimes, I wish I could dive off a cliff and let that be that. The pain is horrible. I am not talking to him right now although I am still trying to find out information about him, which is bad. I tried to talk to his co-worker today but he was busy and didnt want to talk (he said I could come down next Sunday at the store that he works at and take a look at some luggage). I dont know. About a few weeks ago, I posted on here that I had sent his mother a letter detailing how I felt about my ex and how I wanted him back. The letter was in no way derogatory about the ex or insulting to him. His parents have been out of town for the last three weeks. That I do know because he told me that two weeks ago when I went down to pick up my meds. Today, I decided to call over to the house looking for his mom. His dad picked up the phone and I asked if I could talk to his mother (except that I called her by her married name). I dont think he recognized me at first because he told me she wasnt home and then he asked me who I was. I told him and he was like oh "hi" and he told me that she had went to the farm for a few days. I then made some small talk with him about how their vacation was. I told him that I had sent a letter to her and if she had received it. He told me that she probably did. His dad is kind of hard of hearing so he doesnt always get everything I say, so I didnt linger long with the conversation. I dont think I will get his mom on the phone that easily. Sometimes I think everybody is trying to avoid me. No, I have not tried to contact his best friend again.

 

Is what I am doing that wrong? Or is everybody holding something against me? Or does this all, esp with his parents, reverberate back to that night about a month ago when I got into a drunken argument with my ex that woke up the whole neighborhood. I am not a bad person. I want to reconcile with the ex or see if there is hope, or see if he has a new gf prospect. That way, it is easier for me to let go of him.

 

I am not a mean person. His parents know that. They liked me at one time. I was always nice and polite to them. Never said a mean word to them. Why am I being painted as the bad guy here?? or am I reading wrong into this whole thing?? NO, I dont plan on contacting the ex for now. He can go and wallow in his crap. Personally, I think he found a new gf and I think I know who it is. Why cant people just let me know, then it kills the hope for me and I can move on?????

 

Right now, my only somewhat chance maybe the lady I am taking to pick up guinea pigs on Wed. Her son is close friends with my ex and I am helping them out by linking them with the guinea pig rescuer. I am going out on a limb to help them by driving them to the rescuer's house. I talked to the lady yesterday and she told me a bit about my ex's past. She also told me about how my ex's controlling mother did not like her son and would not let him hang out at my ex's house. I have no idea what I am trying to accomplish anymore. I want hope but I also want to let go somewhat. I am just so angry with myself that I let this go.

 

I am just rambling. Am I really a bad person for doing all this? Is there something wrong with me?

[Echo]

No Ren there is nothing WRONG with you....you are frustrated because you have all these questions and NO answers right now.

 

I think if you chill out for a few weeks or so..and just ASSUME the relationship is over for NOW, then you might get more answers. You have to remember you can't force things to happen and right now, you are forcing the issue. Let it be for now. Go do your own thing for a while...and come back to the issue at a later date when it doesn't seem so "pressing" or frustrating to you. This way, you will be MUCH more relaxed and in a calmer state of mind to talk things over. Not to mention..have more to talk about other than the relationship itself.

 

Just relax and do things for you right now....

[annie24]

I've found that when I've had a breakup like that, it helps when I write down a list of all his bad qualities and keep it with me anytime I feel weak. Write down exactly why he wasn't the right guy for you. Refer to the list often.

 

From my POV (I could easily be wrong though), you two broke up because you were fundamentally incompatible. Like you said yourself, he is a teenager in a man's body. He really has to grow up on his own. As for his parents, I think after any breakup, the family and friends feel kind of uncomfortable. It doesn't mean that they don't like you, but their primary loyalty lies with their son. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think that putting his mom in the middle may be making her feel really uncomfortable. After breakups, the mutual friends have a hard time, because they don't like being made to "choose sides."

 

Do the guiene pig volunteer, that sounds great, but don't do it to "pump" information out of the others. That's not really being fair to them.

 

good luck

[renaissancewoman101]

I know what you guys mean and I am trying to let go of things there and move on. It is just that I have so many unanswered questions. I am also afraid that his mom might now think evil of me. I never wanted to sully my image with her. I think she may be avoiding talking to me. I dont know. The only reason I reached out to her was because last year when he took a break from me when he said I was too smothering and he lost his feelings for me, I reached out to his mom and she comforted me and told me she would talk to him to find out what was going on. She helped us get back together. I could also be overreacting to this whole thing. The letter I sent her was in no way a bad letter. It outlined the fact that I missed him, wanted him back, and that it was mostly my fault that this happened. His co-worker maybe doesnt want to get involved and I understand. I just dont want people to think I am crazy by doing things the way I am doing it. People must understand how hard it is for the dumpee to go on with life after a relationship break up.

 

Right now, I am going through a gamut of emotions. My best friend is moving away on Thursday. He and his bf are driving accross the country to CA and I am going to go with them and fly back here. I miss the ex a lot and am not looking forward to the next few weeks when my best friend will be gone and the ex is gone. I will be very lonely here, and the holidays are coming up.

 

I am trying to keep myself busy this week. I have work and on Wed I am taking my ex's best friend and his mom up to northern WI to check out the guinea pigs at the rescue becuase they want to adopt some pigs. I am willing to help them because I think it is good karma and I am hoping to maybe have them put in a good word with me with the ex. Not sure though anymore.

 

I want to die and not have to deal with all of this

[annie24]

To be completely honest, if your mutual friends "put in a good word about you" - they would probably say that you're very kind and are nice to animals, but I doubt that would change your ex's mind. I know it's a nice idea, but I don't think that's ever brought an ex back.

 

As for the mom - really, I don't think that she hates you. But, I'll bet you $20 that she feels uncomfortable that you are contacting her after her son broke up with you. I think she just doesn't want to be put in the middle of things. Like I said, her loyalty lies with her son, not with you.

[renaissancewoman101]

You are right. I am just trying to be nice to these people. One of the things my ex fell in love with was my sense of caring and helping others. He is like that too and he loved that about me because he could see how much I cared for people who were different and were beat up on or looked down on. He loved my caring loving soul. That is the part I want him to see again, how much I can be a caring and loving person. That is why I am going out on the limb to help this lady and her son. Her son has contact with my ex, and he will tell him. I know that.

 

Is what I am doing irrational like that of an obsessed ex? I am just curious how others will perceive my actions. One thing about me is I am always afraid of how people will think of me.

 

As for the mother, I guess I should just leave that alone. I know I shouldnt put her in the middle, it was just last time, I called her and she was willing to help me. I just wanted her to see that I do care about her son and I can take care of him like I used to (that was something she really liked about me that I took care of him)

[Trax]

You seem to be in a somewhat similar situation as me. I think the best thing to do is to forget about what he's doing now and stop trying to get in touch with people who know him. Its hard I know because when I first got dumped I tried to ask around for more answers since I wasn't getting any from my ex. You may not ever get the answers you're looking for. Focusing on yourself should be your priority and not having contact will help. Slowly your sadness will dissipate and the pain will not be as great. Doesn't feel like it now, but it will happen.

[Hope75]

RW,

 

You are not a bad person, I think you know that. However, you are making some mistakes that are impeding your ability to start a new life without your ex, and I think if you really thought about it, you might agree that contacting his friends and visiting them and calling his parents are probably bad ideas because they make you look like "the desperate stalkerish ex", and they also stop you from being able to move on and heal from the breakup.

 

The Guinea Pig Rescue is a great idea, it's a good cause and it's keeping you busy, but as I mentioned on your other thread and Annie also said here, even if the friend tells your ex what you've done it isn't likely to change his mind, unless it was in his mind that he might want you back to begin with.

 

I know it's really hard to go through a breakup and the things that you are doing are things that many of us have done before, and from experience we tell you that it usually doesn't work and it just makes us look bad and keeps the pain that much fresher that much longer.

 

You are going to be OK, but try to let go of the calling his folks and stopping by to see his friends to keep tabs on what he's doing.

 

If he isn't calling you and saying he wants you back, than that's really all the info you need to try and move on, and you don't need to follow up on his doings to know that, he's showing you right now.

 

Hang in there, and vent to us whenever you need to. It's tough, and you are DEFINITELY not alone!

[renaissancewoman101]

Question for you guys, should I tell my ex that I am taking his best friend and his mom to adopt some guinea pigs??? That way he knows I am not trying to do something behind his back. I do want to stay on friendly terms with him and I dont want him to think I am trying to start something behind his back. Or do you guys think that would be counterproductive. Either way, I know he will find out either by me or his friend and his mom.

[annie24]

Question for you guys, should I tell my ex that I am taking his best friend and his mom to adopt some guinea pigs??? That way he knows I am not trying to do something behind his back. I do want to stay on friendly terms with him and I dont want him to think I am trying to start something behind his back. Or do you guys think that would be counterproductive. Either way, I know he will find out either by me or his friend and his mom.

 

NO!!!! No need to tell him. Remember - you two are exes and your hobbies are not each other's concerns anymore. You're not doing something "behind his back" - rather, you are volunteering your time for a good cause. Like you said, your ex will probably find out eventually. I think that there's no reason for you to tell him.

[renaissancewoman101]

I am not sure now what I want to do. I feel so alone and lost right now. I am very scared for my sanity and for myself. I want to dig myself into a hole and never come out again. Actually, I want to throw myself into the lake. I hate my life a lot and I dont want to live anymore.

 

This has nothing to do with the ex that just broke up with me. It has to do with my two friends. My best friend is moving to CA on Thursday. This past Friday, his bf asked me if I wanted to come out with them on the drive out to CA and then fly back with him (the bf). I was like that would be great since I could see my best friend settle in. Today, my best friend's boyfriend called me at work and told me that he is taking back his offer of asking me to come out with them. He told me that he doesnt want me to come with them and that he doesnt want to have anything to do with me anymore (and this is after I have helped him out in his life - he owes me a lot in terms of how much I have helped the both of them keep their relationship alive, and now that the bf has gotten what he wanted, he wants nothing to do with me). He did say if I want to move out there, he will give me some money but he doesnt want to help me in any way possible to move out there. Then he hung up on me. I called my best friend and told him how his bf was reacting to me, and he said he didnt know what to do. Everything is confusing. My best friend doesnt care since he is worked up over this leaving thing. No one cares about me. I have lost my bf who was one of the ONLY ONES that ever cared about me. My two friends can give two cents about me. I feel very abandoned and alone. I have no one.

 

I dont know what to do. I have nothing to live for. I want to die sometimes. I want someone to talk to about my fears and my unhappiness, but I dont know who to turn to. I want to talk to my ex's friend (the lady that is also a youth counselor) but I dont want her to think I am trying to manipulate my way back to my ex. I am not. I just want someone to talk to. I am afraid if I do approach her like this, she may not want to talk to me.

 

I am afraid to trust anybody. I do so much for people and yet people are never there for me. And yet, the one person that was there for me, I drove him crazy enough that he went and dumped me.

 

I am so pathetic and so scared. I dont know where to turn to. My ex is gone, my friends are gone. I have no one.

[novaseeker]

I am not sure now what I want to do. I feel so alone and lost right now. I am very scared for my sanity and for myself. I want to dig myself into a hole and never come out again. Actually, I want to throw myself into the lake. I hate my life a lot and I dont want to live anymore.

 

Okay. The first step is to calm down. It's not as dire as it seems. You have a job. You have people in your life who care about you, regardless of how they may show it. It's a rough period, for certain, but that's all it is.

 

Today, my best friend's boyfriend called me at work and told me that he is taking back his offer of asking me to come out with them. He told me that he doesnt want me to come with them and that he doesnt want to have anything to do with me anymore

 

He feels threatened by you bc you are his bf's ex-gf. It sounds silly, because this pparticular ex of yours is gay, so he shouldn't feel threatened by you in that way, but it's fairly common for people to feel threatened by the presense of their lover's exes in their lover's life. I would wager that is where he is coming from on this. You're right to be upset and feel used by him ... it's one thing if he was always acting this way, and it's quite another to be manipulated like you have.

 

My two friends can give two cents about me. I feel very abandoned and alone. I have no one.

 

I dont know what to do. I have nothing to live for. I want to die sometimes. I want someone to talk to about my fears and my unhappiness, but I dont know who to turn to. I want to talk to my ex's friend (the lady that is also a youth counselor) but I dont want her to think I am trying to manipulate my way back to my ex. I am not. I just want someone to talk to. I am afraid if I do approach her like this, she may not want to talk to me.

 

She probably will talk with you if she is a counselor. I would think this may be a good option for you. In addition, is there someone else in your family you could speak to about this rough spot you find yourself in?

[renaissancewoman101]

Novaseeker, I dont have anybody left out here who care about me. My two friends were the only ones I had left out here and the only reason I stayed out here. My ex is gone. I have no friends out here. I havent hung out with the people from the guinea pig rescue long enough to make friends. I feel very alone. I was scared about my best friend leaving and that was a constant worry in the back of my head. I was just banking on the fact that since I have sacrificed so much in my life for those two. In many ways, it is due to a sacrifice of mines that the two of them can have a relationship together. I am done. I thought they would be there for me when my going out tough but now that the bf has gotten everything he wants, he is kicking me to the ground.

 

I have no one to talk to. I have no friends left out here. My parents would just belittle my feelings and tell me what do I have to worry about, I have money and if you need more money, ask! My parents only look at things in a money sense. If I have enough money, everything should be fine.

 

I cant handle my best friend leaving and them shafting me like that, and my bf being broken up with me.

 

I just cant anymore. I am really at the end of my rope.

 

I am afriad to approach that lady to tell her how I feel. I dont want her thinking I am trying to manipulate my way back into my ex's life. I just want someone to point out something positive in my life.All it has been lately is negatives.

 

I may just go find that lady to talk to. I am scared she may not talk tome or she may think I am trying to pull something over her.

 

I just want someone to talk to and find some good in me.

[novaseeker]

I may just go find that lady to talk to. I am scared she may not talk tome or she may think I am trying to pull something over her.

 

I just want someone to talk to and find some good in me.

 

Okay. I would suggest that you find her and talk to her. If you're worried she may questionn your motives, tell her the whole story with the big picture about your friend and his bf and so forth, and she will likely listen to what you have to say. It would make sense for you to talk to her if she is the person presently in your life who would be easiest to talk to about this stuff, so that you can get another perspective on things and so forth.

[Hope75]

Do you have health insurance? What about talking with a professional therapist, one who is removed from the situation and can offer an truly objective P.O.V.?

[renaissancewoman101]

I do have health insurance. I am not sure if I want to talk to a therapist. I dont want someone thinking I am crazy. Sometimes I feel like just drowning in my depression. I am depressed a lot and I dont know.

 

I am just going to sit and deal with it. I am not going to call that lady either. I just dont care. I may just lay down, go to bed and hope it all goes away.

 

I dont know why God is punishing me so damn much. Is it because of the abortion in April, He is so angry with me. Ever since April, I have been having one bad thing happen to me after another. I lost my grandma, had a major disagreement with my parents, lost some beloved guinea pigs of mines, had car problems, my bf dumps me, and now my two friends decide to turn on me too. I cant deal with it anymore. I just cant. God just throws things at me time and time again. I am only human. I can only take so much before I fold, and I want so much to fold. If it wanst for the fact that I live alone and I am afriad of what can happen to me when I drink, I would drink right now. I want to drown my sorrows out. God, please stop it, please. I have had enough of this. Bring some good into my life, bring some sunshine give me a ray of hope. I am not an evil child and I dont deserve everything I am getting. I know I treated my ex bad. Fine, punish me for that, take him away from me, but dont take everybody else away from me that means something to me. Leave me something.

[Hope75]

I don't think a therapist would think you are crazy. This has been a very tough year for you, and you are feeling the consequences. It's natural to feel those losses.

 

Therapists are there to help people get through tough times. She might be able to shed some light on it for you and help think of ways to make you feel better. Best of all, she has no connection to your ex so you can talk away without fear that she will let any of this back to the ex... or feel uncomfortable and put in the middle.