Help! I need a boyfriend!

[pianoguy]

This is going to be a long rant so consider yourself forewarned.

 

A little bit of history: I'm 21, virginal homosexual who has never been in a relationship or really gone on a date (I've gone on two internet dates- more later). I realized I was gay when I was 13, I would say I came to terms with my sexuality about 3 years ago or so. I go to a conservative Christian college (long story- don't ask) in a conservative Christian city in a conservative Christian state. Despite this, my family is NOT conservative Christians and have been a huge support.

 

Recently I wrote this on this forum:

Part of realizing you're gay means accepting that you will wish to date and form relationships with other guys (specifically, gay guys). This took me a long time to accept for whatever reason. You will need to figure out a method to socialize with other gay men, something that has completely eluded me, leading me to gnaw my own knuckles off in sexual frustration. You don't want to go there

 

Indeed, my supressed feelings have completely transformed my personality, turning me from a mild-mannered jolly fellow into a sarcastic, bitter fellow prone to extensive fits of melancholy and lashing out at people for no reason. In some ways this pent up energy has been good, I have poured myself into my studies (piano) and have accomplished things that few at my school ever have. But it is a hollow victory.

 

Unfortunately I am also suspicious of the gay subculture. I do not want to go to a gay bar since I am not really a bar or alcohol person (even straight bars scare me) and I've heard little good come out of those places.

 

I'd like to give two examples: one of what I do not want to become and one of what I do want to become.

 

One of my very few gay acquaintances at my school came out his junior year. Prior to that he even had a girlfriend but fooled no one, this is one of the most stereotypically gay people imaginable. I mean, seriously, this was a queen. Pink Abercrombie shirts, whined like a girl, extremely self-centered, etc. etc. When he did finally come out, he CAME OUT. He announced it on his facebook, he donned various political buttons, he became the president of both secret gay clubs at my school, he got a boyfriend. He goes to the bar at least once or twice a week, has random hookups, burns through men like crazy.

 

While he is much less angry than before he came out, he is an utterly pathetic and miserable individual. His new identiy "supergayboy" is just as much a prison as the closet was before.

 

I can't find any of myself in this individual. I am even-tempered and subtle (some say mysterious but I try not to be).

 

What do I want to be? I love watching the ways the romances begin between my straight friends. A couple of weeks ago we were having a mariokart party in my brother's dorm (he goes here too, we're very close) Two of my friends starting talking, then talking some more, then they left by themselves to talk more privately. Over the next three weeks they spoke often together, finally he asked her to coffee, then on a date. Now they're in love. It was a beautiful thing, and so NATURAL. That's what I feel is so lacking in gay dating, you have to specifically seek out people for dating. I just want to meet someone who makes the back of my neck prickle, who makes me forget who and where I am when I look in their eyes.

 

I am fortunate to have many friends who are very supportive. But I have also crushed on many, many guys most of whom I am very close friends with and who like me very much (platonically). I love people so much, and am overwhelmed at how beautiful the world is and people are. I have experienced lust, fasicination, infatuation, and love (at least once, maybe twice). I hate being in love, it is incredibly painful.

 

I feel utterly alone, yes even despite this site. I feel guilty for feeling this way since I have so many friends.

 

I have been to a few meetings of the GSA in my area, which helps somewhat. Unfortunately the membership is something like 24 girls and 3 guys including me. I also feel strange and alien, most of them are obsessively political (I hate politics) and militant (I just want to coexist peacefully with others).

 

I have tried internet dating. I have been on two excruciatingly boring dates with two perfectly nice guys. The whole process feels strange and unatural to me, but I promised myself I'd keep trying this process.

 

There are two rays of hope: I will be moving on to grad school next August and I have many friends who are on the lookout for guys for me. I am also afraid about going to grad school, since it will take some time to make connections. I fear that I will be losing all my straight friends here at my Christian school and also not making any gay friends at my new school.

 

Sometimes it is hard to get out of the bed in the morning. My morning dialogue goes something like this:

 

"It's a new day! Get out of bed." "This day will be no different." "There will come a different day someday." "That day is long in the future. It isn't coming soon. My bed is warm" "Gosh darn it, get out of bed NOW!" "Very well."

 

Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks guys.

[Serendipity1607307077]

Sometimes you have to push yourself out of your "comfort zone" to get to something, and it seems that you might have to do that in this instance..

 

I know you don't like pubs and clubs etc. but give it a go.. putting yourself out there and being proud for the person you are will get you more results!!

[leicesterstreet]

*Thinks*

 

I am really wanting to tell you something positive, or give you something positive to go with.

 

I will say that you are definitely not the only one who experiences everything you say. For all the gay guys who don't want to be a cliche, they are feeling the things you are a feeling.

 

I personally am dealing with the same issues and emotions that you are going through right now. I'm perhaps more open and more aggressive than you, but nonetheless I have an awful lot of trouble finding a partner.

 

Naturally you start to question yourself as well. ie is it me that I luck out with all these guys and it never goes anywhere?

 

The thing is I can't be %100 cynical about it all, because I know gay couples that have been together and stayed together for many years, so I guess this stops me from assuming it is completely impossible.

 

Your also right that "gay dating" as you described it is... on many levels rather forced. Nobody knows - unless you are a complete screaming fag that you are gay so you have to make a point of advertising it on some level in order to have any relations with other men. Obviously this has lead the rise of gaybars *as trashy as they can be*

 

I'm not sure if this is at all helpful

[Jinx]

What do I want to be? I love watching the ways the romances begin between my straight friends. A couple of weeks ago we were having a mariokart party in my brother's dorm (he goes here too, we're very close) Two of my friends starting talking, then talking some more, then they left by themselves to talk more privately. Over the next three weeks they spoke often together, finally he asked her to coffee, then on a date. Now they're in love. It was a beautiful thing, and so NATURAL. That's what I feel is so lacking in gay dating, you have to specifically seek out people for dating. I just want to meet someone who makes the back of my neck prickle, who makes me forget who and where I am when I look in their eyes.

Long quote but thought it was worth while to first address. I fully agree with this and even had the same thoughts along the line. For those couples it seems to flow, I'm assuming because there is usually a lot less in guessing games and chemistry becomes more obvious. Its a very sweet thing to observe in progress.

 

Whereas, in GLBT community and dating you have a guessing game unless you're approaching an individual whom is out and about, then in that case it is as you've described just for dating. I believe there are probably times out there when two people haven't came out yet and still sense the chemistry and find out but it seems rare. Then you do have the person you're (one sided) falling for and they in return are straight as they come or at least seem so. Then there is the fear factor, in a case where one side (us) would be willing to come out to a person and see if a relationship was possible, the other side (love interest) would remain in the closet for one reason or another still remaining a one-sided situation which satisfies nothing other than our negative or restless feelings.

 

I myself am not a drinking person and the bar scene does not appeal to me in any shape or form. I think if you're interested, often times communities will have clubs or events. I know a majority of my Gay male friends and even more so, acquaintances, are involved in our community Art events/meetings. Attend these events, I click with gay men. Some are out entirely, a majority are not to my knowledge. I hate being stereotypical in any shape or form by saying this but I have heard there is a large gay population in the Theatre and Drama section too. I don't attend much in the way of Theatre so I can't give much advice to that, I'm only an arts person. It may be worth considering joining such groups if it catches your interest.

 

I have been to a few meetings of the GSA in my area, which helps somewhat. Unfortunately the membership is something like 24 girls and 3 guys including me. I also feel strange and alien, most of them are obsessively political (I hate politics) and militant (I just want to coexist peacefully with others).

Yes, politics seems to be a killer. I know one of my male friends attends the meetings for a GSA chapter (the nearest one) here and there and he states they usually have their own agenda and have strong opinions on a majority of issues with or without factual basis, but supposedly its for most part men and few women. I sometimes wonder what makes one area seem to have more Gay men than Lesbians and visa versa.

 

There are two rays of hope: I will be moving on to grad school next August and I have many friends who are on the lookout for guys for me. I am also afraid about going to grad school, since it will take some time to make connections. I fear that I will be losing all my straight friends here at my Christian school and also not making any gay friends at my new school.

I've found with college and old friends, the only thing you can really try is keeping in contact. It isn't simple and most certainly not cheap if its a long distance situation. There will always be those as concerned with keeping up contact as yourself and friendship will continue, others lose interest or time and thus connections are lost.

[Blackmsmithdave]

Oh tell me about it, im a bi guy who has had a bout as much luck with girls and guys as you have. But im getting better and you will too, Dont worry about these times, or try not to. Things will get better, if you need help her someone to talk to you have it right here, you are never alone.

 

Im sure there is the man of your dreams just waiting around the corner, you will bumb into him and be sos startled when you realise that your in his arms, when all you had thought ofis friendship. Thats the way love works it bites us when we least expect it. And there is an old saying i know "water never boils if you watch it" it means if you watch and wait for something to happen it either wont or it will seem to take forever, live your life, thats what we are here for right? If you live your life you will find the man for you when you least expect it, i promise.

[mgirl]

You just have to be yourself. Everything will fall into place

[FoxLocke]

Piano guy, I can relate to you on so many levels. Even though I've just started the process of coming out some of these things do worry me.

 

I don't want to goto the gay bar scene. Clubs in general frighten me and I know I would be a fish out of water. Even though I am well groomed and care about my appearance I am no where near as vain as the stereotypical gay male...

 

I would just like to meet someone that I can establish a loving monogamous relationship with...Someone who I adore and vice versa.

 

I haven't tried the dating thing yet, and already it is pretty hard because you do have to sorta guess...And then I would run into guys like I used to be(gay guys trying to be straight) and that is a dead end.

 

However, if it helps, I'm learning how to be happy just being myself. I used to envy seeing other people falling in love...But now I realize that if I am ever going to find love I have to love me first. It took me along time to figure that out, which ultimately resulted in acceptance that I'm gay...But self love is the precursor to finding true love, I think.

I believe I will find someone, and I am not opposed to trying the internet either. But, until then, I am going to be happy being who I am.

[pizzachick13]

Once you learn to love yourself, others will flock. Trust me on this. I have about 4 or 5 women after me right now and it's happened after I have grown confidence in myself and have learned to love who I am.

 

Good luck

 

Sappho...

[leicesterstreet]

Piano guy, I can relate to you on so many levels. Even though I've just started the process of coming out some of these things do worry me.

 

I don't want to goto the gay bar scene. Clubs in general frighten me and I know I would be a fish out of water. Even though I am well groomed and care about my appearance I am no where near as vain as the stereotypical gay male...

.

 

Oh my god normal decent gay guys on this forum left right and centre! I'm clearly living in the wrong country

[UT]

Oh my god normal decent gay guys on this forum left right and centre! I'm clearly living in the wrong country

 

This place is pretty international.

 

There are a lot of homosexuals who does not like bars and does not drink alcoholic beverages like myself. I'm not a stereotypical gay person. I would easily pass for being straight.

 

It is hard to find someone but don't be worried. Your special someone will come around soon enough.

[pianoguy]

Thanks for all the comforting words guys. At the risk of sounding whiny, there is something else I need to address.

 

A lot of people have said something to the effect, "If you get your life right you'll meet someone." Or "Just be patient, someone will turn up." I have to ask, why? How can I be assured that something will happen eventually? I can't. I don't believe in God or Fate or some blind force pushing folks together. Two of my gay music professors are 58 and 64 respectively and have never met that "someone" and will probably go to their graves without meeting someone. Many of the great composers, my heroes, went to their graves alone despite having VERY high self-confidence, Brahms, Beethoven, Schubert, etc. etc. I can only conclude that when that special "someone" comes (like for my parents) it is nothing more than blind luck. As a gay person, I have a much lower chance of being lucky than a straight person since my population base is much smaller.

 

You seen then, why the situation agitates me- I don't wish to be alone and the only way I can foresee to prevent this is by actively DOING something, only I'm not sure what.

 

Once you learn to love yourself, others will flock. Trust me on this. I have about 4 or 5 women after me right now and it's happened after I have grown confidence in myself and have learned to love who I am.

 

I trust you. In fact, I also have 4 or 5 women after me right now. A couple of them know I'm gay and are still chasing me (?). I suppose this is similar to my problem crushing on straight guys. Self-confidence isn't really a problem for me, if anything I have too much confidence and become arrogant and look down on people. I just need to learn how to attract men instead of women.

 

I am encouraged that there seem to be alot of people here in the same boat. I just wish you were real people- as in, actual friends I could talk to, it's just not the same.

[UT]

I have to ask, why? How can I be assured that something will happen eventually? I can't. I don't believe in God or Fate or some blind force pushing folks together.

 

You're not whining. I understand your questions. I ask them myself sometimes.

 

You don't have to believer in some higher power to believe there is someone for you. First off all, "Everything is math." let me explain. Everything we do all actions, all movements can be calculated. How high you jump and reach the ground again can be given a formula depending on how long time it took and how far you jumped. The pressure of a striking fist can be measured. We can define everything with math... well almost everything. So what has this to do with your problem? You see, if you hit a dice with 6 sides on it there is a 1/6 chance of getting the number you want. But if you keep in hitting it eventually you will get your number. So you see there is always a chance and after a certain amount tries you have to find someone. But remember it's still complicated. They won't just walk up to you and say "hey." Sometimes you have to take the initiative. Be out there. You have to take the final step and make this real.

 

The professors have probably had their chance but just missed it or been too afraid to act on it.

 

Example about the dice:

 

image removed

 

 

Sooner or later you will find that special someone. Just be out there. Even if you don't like bars or if you're not ready to find someone via internet you can still go to other events. gay events. go to the gay pride every year. That's one place where you WILL see a lot of gays. And they're not so hard to find either.

Hang in there buddy. You'll find happiness.

 

If you have any trouble understanding my Explanation or if math isn't your strong side please tell me and I'll try to explain in another way. Many are finding math difficult nowadays.

[FoxLocke]

A lot of people have said something to the effect, "If you get your life right you'll meet someone." Or "Just be patient, someone will turn up." I have to ask, why? How can I be assured that something will happen eventually? I can't. I don't believe in God or Fate or some blind force pushing folks together. Two of my gay music professors are 58 and 64 respectively and have never met that "someone" and will probably go to their graves without meeting someone. Many of the great composers, my heroes, went to their graves alone despite having VERY high self-confidence, Brahms, Beethoven, Schubert, etc. etc. I can only conclude that when that special "someone" comes (like for my parents) it is nothing more than blind luck. As a gay person, I have a much lower chance of being lucky than a straight person since my population base is much smaller.

 

 

Okay, now you are sounding sorta bleek and depressing...lol.

 

Don't think that way...Besides what would be so horrible about remaining single?

Is it society's definition of happiness that you are mainly concerned about? Is it the idea that you should meet someone and live happily ever after?

That was one of the main reasons I didn't want to admit being gay for so long. It was like the death of a dream...I wanted the beautiful wife, 2.5 kids, white picket fence and nice house...Just to impress everyone else. But, realistically, that was not the life for me. I mainly wanted it just to silence the naysayers in my life. But after taking an honest inventory of myself I stuck by my own priorities. I would rather be happy ALONE than be miserable and say that I have someone.

 

I really hope to meet someone special someday, but there is also the possibility that i may not meet Mr. Right. So I've made the choice to always be happy with myself, and not hinge my self worth on anyone else.

Maybe the people that you mentioned are really at peace, and happy, about being single. Just like some people are meant to be married others might be meant to be single.

 

So I hope you don't feel too bad, because you seem like a really good person. And your post to me helped tremendously. I'm sure that special guy is out there for you Don't lose hope.

 

P.S.

 

Even though it is a guessing game when it comes to gay romance, it could happen that you run up on that special someone.

[L8RISER]

Pianoguy,

 

Your description of your flamboyant, pink shirt wearing schoolmate is perpetuating the very stereotype that is preventing you from meet other gay men. You might be surprised at the variety and cross-section of society which is represented at a gay bar or club - especially in a smaller, more conservative town with few gay bars. Before I went to a gay bar, I had this idea of what gay men were like - the way the media portrays them, like your schoolmate. But after I went, I found out there are actually lots of gay guys like me, lots of gay guys who were just as attractive as those straight guys I had crushes on.

 

Gay guys meet at bars more so than straights because it's one of the few place were people assume you are gay. Not only that, but because it's a bar, people feel more comfortable approaching others. It's a social setting, unlike say a grocery store. It's not necessarily some scary drug and alcohol infested den of inequity - that has more to do with the circle of friends you keep. I found two long term bf's at a club. Nothing bad about that. And think of this, if you, a non-bar person, convinces himself to go to a bar, who's to say a like minded guy isn't also there that night? You'll never know if don't try it.

 

Make some gay friends, go out with them, socialize, have fun, drink pop, and I guarantee you will meet guys. Some you won't be attracted to, some won't develop into a relationship, but eventually if you keep putting yourself out there, you meet someone.