i was raped

[steff]

i thought i would come here, because i have no were else to go, i cant talk to anyone about this, because none of my friends will listen to this sort of stuff, and i feel like i am dieing inside of me, it hurts so much. can any one help me get through this....

 

this is my story.

 

a couple of months ago, my sister came into my room and told me that the person who touched me also touched her. i never really used to think about what happened to me when i was younger. but when i found out it happened to my sister as well, i was upset, devistated, and just wanted her to shut up. the next day was my year 12 biology trial exam, during this time, it dorned on me that what he actaully had done to me was rape. i snapped and ended up only getting 22% on my exam, my end of year biology exam is tomorrow, and i am still in pain about what happened. for a while, every day i cried about it, and it was in my head the whole time 'i was raped, i was raped' it hurt, and i had no one to talk about it. it was about two weeks later, before i actaully told my sister that he also did that to me.

 

as a result of this, i am scared about males, i love james, as you guys already know, but i am scared of other males. im scared of having kids, fearing that it will happen to them, and i wouldnt let them out of my sight, which would result in them not having a good life.

 

my sister is dating someone that my family doesnt really like, they are getting married next year. my mother claims that if she does, she doesnt have a daughter, and my brother says he doesnt have a sister. if this is the case i will be turn between being with the rest of my family who have supported me financially for my life, and my sister who knows the truth about what has happened to me. i cant be with both, and i just dont know what to do....

 

of late i have been crying alot about it again, worried that i wouldnt be able to give my husband children, and that i will be desterned to be alone for the rest of my life, as i fear people being around me.

 

i got scared when going into a class room of males, which was hard because all my business, legal and religion classes consisted mainly of men, i was scared about seeing a male teacher alone.

 

this one time i went swimming, i did a few laps looked up and saw that the rest of the pool was filled with men who had just arrived, at that time thoughts went through my head, thinking that they were planning on ganging up on me, and that they were all evil, i had to leave the pool. another time, which was just on friday, i was in the gym and the cleaner came in, (who is male) and started talking to me and cleaning and i freaked out that he was going to do something.... i cant keep living like this, yet i cant tell my mum coz it would brake the whole family up.

 

can anyone please help me, im so scared about it all.

[avman]

Steff it must have been very difficult for you to reveal this to us. I went back through some of your other posts and this explains quite a bit about some of the other issues you have discussed. This was a big step for you and I am very proud of you for being courageous enough to speak about it.

 

This isn't something you have to deal with all by yourself. Any woman who has gone through what you have gone through has very similar feelings of hurt, rage, fear, and confusion.

 

I feel you should talk to a counselor that you trust about the situation. A counselor that is familiar with crisis such as rape who will be able to understand your feelings and help you through the process. It is going to take some time to heal from this, it won't happen overnight.

 

If you don't know of a counselor or need help finding a program please PM me and I will look for programs and counselors in your area that you can talk to.

[PavPPZ1]

It sounds like someone sexually molested you. This sounds very painful and I am very sorry to hear it has torn you appart inside so much. I dont know who did this but I am getting a pretty good idea as to who it was. The best thing to do is to confront the person who did this. I think you have a right to know why and what was the reason for this. Was it forceful, and what happened, you cant live life without some kind of intervention. Being afraid of all men as a result is a terrible thing. You should definitly do something about this ASAP, do not let it sit inside you any longer.

 

Please add more to this as you feel necessary

[nsbguy32169]

From what you've written and your end statement... I'm guessing it would break up your family because it was someone in your family that did it. I don't have much experience with this subject, but if someone in my family did that to my sister and I found out, there would be hell to pay. I guess I keep on going farther out on a limb with this, but if it is someone in your family it's probably a bad idea NOT to tell your mom... that way you're at least stopping it from happening to anyone else...

[PavPPZ1]

I feel you should talk to a counselor that you trust about the situation. A counselor that is familiar with crisis such as rape who will be able to understand your feelings and help you through the process. It is going to take some time to heal from this, it won't happen overnight.

 

I agree, this should be your first step, based on your therapy, you will come to the next steps to take.

 

Please also know that on behalf of myself and enotalone, we are here to help you through this, as you have found the courage within to share with us. It often-time makes such a tramendous difference to share your thoughts with people around you, by coming here and letting out your emotions is a very positive step in the right direction in overcoming your pain and suffering. We are here for you, console in us we are your friends and always want the best for our members.

 

with much love,

 

Paul

[Shadows Light]

You are a very very very BRAVE young lady. My heart goes out to you.

 

First of all.. your sister's marriage.. your sister has a right to her own life and her own choices. Is this guy bad news to her? Do you think so? Do you have reservations? and what are they based on? Have you talked to your sister about those reservations? Just to put your two cents in as a Loving Sister and a Friend. Don't judge her? Just give her food for thought. You might tell her that you DO NOT side with the family. Or side with her for that matter. But are just speaking your mind out of love? IF.. you do have reservations. IF NOT.. well then just try to stand back and not take sides. Love your sister. Be her friend. And be there for her.

 

YOUR situation: Wow.. sending you a huge huge cyber hug. I know. I so know where you are coming from. Please takes AVMAN's advice... and seek a counselor. Talk to someone. PM AVMAN.. to lend you a hand finding someone to talk to. You need to heal.. you need to process this.

 

I had a similiar experience.. but maybe not to the extent you did. And I mistrust EVERYONE. As far as that goes. I have children... and yes, I am vigilant and I keep a close eye on them without making them paranoid. lol. It can be done. I am raising them to be aware of thier body's. I am raising them to be aware of inappropriate "touching"... and I am raising them to tell me everything. Keeping an open door policy so that "NO ONE.. but NO ONE can con them into NOT telling." Will it protect them??? I don't know. But.. I can't let my past... or the person who tried to tamper with me.. to keep CONTROLING me. To keep me AFRAID forever.

 

Your situation is NOT unique. It happens more times than you think. They say that 1 out of 5 women have been molested as a child. Look around you... that number is staggering. There are many who keep "secrets."

 

There are a number of books out on the market. Look for them. Do some research on the subject. You'll find many stories like your own. And you'll see that you are NOT ALONE. And it may give you some insight on how and why this happens.

 

IT WAS NOT AND IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU did not invite this.. you are not at fault. Nor are you at fault for NOT speaking out. Do Not blame yourself in regards to your sister. You did the best that you could do.. and knew how to do.. with the skills you had.. at the time. ITS DONE. ITS OVER. and its time to get the power back. Its time to get the CONTROL back.

 

Go talk to someone to help you through this process. To help you deal and find ways to cope and to find closure.

 

Maybe... in time.. when you are ready. You will be able to look at the perpetrator straight in the eye... and TELL HIM.. That what he did WAS WRONG.. WRONG.. WRONG.

 

Let me tell you.. if you think that not having children is the answer. Or denying yourself the gift of motherhood is the answer. You're wrong. You're giving him the power. And.. I understand that maybe one of the reasons may be because this person is family and may have ACCESS to your children. WELL AGAIN.. He's stolen not only your innocence.. but is now trying to steal your life. DON"T LET HIM. DON'T Let him.. please.

 

Again.. this is a lot to process...and work through. Take AVMAN's hand.. and let him guide you to someone you can talk to. Life is so very precious.. its a beautiful beautiful life. You deserve to live it to the fullest extent. Give yourself that chance. Let go.. and take someones hand.

 

PM ME... I'm here for you.

[Marianne]

hi there i read ur post and it touched me my name is marianne and i have been thru wot u going thru for the past 2 years i have struggled with wot happened to me my sm is marianne so you can see for ursef wot im talking about it . but it takes time to heal and move on but remember this as ive learnt the more things happen the more u becume stronger ive had guys try to do it me again and saying no and fighting bk made me strong the way i manage to move on was i went to church and its made a big difference in my life . whenever sumthin bad has happened to you it cant break ur spirit it doesnt change who u are and i always have wot happenedd to me at the back of my head but each day gets beta eventally

please feel free to contact me im here 4 you

ur special and its not ur fault !

marianne

[metallicachica247]

you need to report the freak so that you can clear your mind and you should talk to your teacher about re-taking your exams

[Jen19]

You are very brave, I have been through the same thing that you have and I am very sorry, no one deserves to go through that, it is very painful,and very hard to get over, it's been 11 years and I still cry. If you need someone to talk to you can e-mail me.

-Jen-