Long distance is over, but now she won't respond

[frogman]

It's been a long time since I last posted about this: link removed

 

Basically, I broke up with my ex about a year and a half ago. After doing some soul searching, I realized I made a huge mistake and tried to get her back. She said she was too hurt to try again while we were long distance, but that she still loved me and thought we may try again when she moves here.

 

Finally, she moved here this summer. I think it's what we were both looking forward to. We had been in sporadic contact over the preceding months and had told each other that we loved each other, but I kept some distance as she seemed to be depressed and needing space. I think I pushed too hard before and just wanted her to be happy and to be there for her.

 

In the weeks leading up to her move here, she called a few times a week and things were fine. A week before she got here, we went to dinner. I thought it went well, but I think she was upset at the end. She asked to stay at my place, and I refused since I was dating someone and thought it would be disrespectful.

 

I still have feelings for her and I'm not sure what to do. I want to get together with her to see how it feels. I called her twice in the last couple weeks and she has not called back. Why does she not return my phone calls? She only did this once before when she was angry at me. She may be mad that I told her she couldn't stay, but I'm not sure.

 

If I want to see her, but she didn't return my last two phone calls, what do I do? I don't want to be pushy, but if she's upset at me, I'd want to know.

 

Does anyone have any idea what's going on?

[TiredMan]

Isn't the answer obvious? You guys talked about her moving back home and you guys working on it. You knew when she was coming back. She came back. You guys went out, she tried to come over, you said no, you are dating someone. You don't think that hurt her? I think the answer is clear as day.

[lgirl]

TiredMan is right. you rejected her big time!! you actually let her ask to come back to your place after giving her the impression you wanted to work things out and then rejected her? ouch! how hurtful. that was clumsy to say the least!! she already told you she felt hurt from before and then you go and hurt her again.

 

you're either incredibly insensitive or not that sincere. how come you're dating someone else if you want to be with yr exgf so much?

 

it's plain as day: she's not responding b/c you gave her the fob-off and made her feel stupid. so you've probably blown it now. rare is the person who can take being rejected not once but twice...

[frogman]

I see both of your points about her feeling rejected, however, in my own defense we have been tough on each other. After we broke up, she moved on very quickly to someone else and dated him for months. Also, prior to her coming back (even in February), I let her know that I was still interested in working things out and she told me that she was not ready.

 

After that, we didn't talk as much. She would send me mass emails and call only late at night when drunk. She never made any kind of genuine effort-- not even calling or writing on my birthday in May.

 

I am sincere (and I hope not insenstive). I started dating someone only after we had been broken up for over a year and telling her that I wanted to get back together. She responded that she didn't want me to wait for her, but still thought we could work it out when she moved here.

 

When we went to dinner, I never said anything about getting back together and neither did she. I was surprised because at the end of dinner she just assumed that she could stay at my place (even though she knew I was dating someone else).

 

All in all, I'm not trying to blame her or get out of blame myself. I think we have both made mistakes. Now that I have the answer that it is apparently obvious that she feels hurt and rejected, how do I fix it? Especially if she won't return my phone calls?

[TiredMan]

I don't think you can honestly.

 

You said you guys talked about trying to work on it when she came back. You knew when she was coming back and told her u wanted to be with her but you kept dating this person. So it seems to me, it was like someone to fall back on. If I was her, I would think the exact same thing.

[RayKay]

Um, I really am not sure what your question is.

 

You are seeing someone else - why are you pursuing her then?

 

You had expressed you wanted to work things out, you both agreed you would see when she got back....you invited her out, presumably from her side maybe to WORK THINGS OUT and then you were still dating someone. Rightfully so, she then opted to stay far away.

 

 

She has not returned your calls - so stop calling. That's a pretty clear message I think that she is upset....why would you need to keep calling to find that out?

 

Maybe she will contact you, maybe not, but leave the girl alone to figure things out for herself. She knows how to reach you if she WANTS to reach you.

[frogman]

I would say that she was less someone to fall back on than someone to be wary of.

 

When I finally met someone new that I actually liked (after a year of waiting for my ex), I started dating her. At the beginning, it was great. After four months, I didn't feel the same way as I had felt about my ex. After realizing that I was not in love with her and probably would not have fallen in love with her, I broke up with her. So while I was dating her when my ex moved here, we are no longer together.

 

It would have been cleaner if I had realized that before my ex moved here. However, life is not always that simple. I was devastated by the breakup and had tried for over a year to get back with her. At some point, you need to pick up the pieces and try to move on. It was healthy for me to date someone new (as it probably was for my ex to date someone in between as well). Even so, I still have feelings for my ex that I have not felt for anyone else.

 

For a long time, I waited for her and told her I wanted to be with her. In that time, she dated someone else, had a one night stand, and would come to me, only to push me away a few weeks. She never made a geniune, sustained effort to be my friend or keep any kind of relationship maintained for when she got here. Only mass emails and drunken phone calls. So yes, when she got here, not only was I dating someone else, but I was also angry at her for taking me so for granted that she thought she could walk back into my life and have me waiting (no matter how much I had hurt her before) and wary of her (because she had hurt me).

 

So I guess my situation is that I would like to meet her in person to see if the feelings are geniunely there or only in my head. I think it is unfair for her to get here and expect for me to be waiting with open arms as she had rejected my attempts to get back with her for over a year. She would tell me she wasn't ready- she would keep me on the hook by telling me she loved me, but wouldn't actually commit to trying again when she moved here (even though she would say that this would be the best time). I felt as if I was the fallback guy.

 

So, I guess my question is this-- if she is angry, that probably means that some feelings are still there. I know I have feelings. It may be too damaged to fix right now, but I want to try. I don't want to talk to her to find out if she's angry, but to see how to work things out.

 

What is the best way to contact her and to let her know that without putting too much pressure on her or coming off as desparate?

[TiredMan]

Yes you should be able to date someone new if that is what you want, but you have to keep in mind, by making that choice, you take the risk of hurting the other one, which is probably what happened.

 

When you make a choice to pick someone else, you can't expect that other option to remain open you know?