Blackmail... and black holes

[Shadows Light]

I guess this is more a vent than a question. Because I don't think there are any answers.... or I'd have come up with one.

 

I've been going through a nasty divorce. X is bent on drving me into the ground. Why??? because he loves me. He said so just yesterday... as he drove me into the ground even further.

 

My attorney said. I can divorce you...but this will not stop. You have children in common.

 

LOL...so since I have children in common... I need to tip-toe and play fair.

 

Everytime I walk into court its something ELSE that gets thrown into my corner. Another teeny tiny Codicil (sp?) thats written into it.. to black-mail me..and control me in the future.

 

I did manage to retain custody of my children. Under provisions. LOL. And if I break those provisions... well then... I'll be driven into the ground again.

 

Funny... but.. I was the one who filed the divorce. And I find that I am the one who has the most to lose by it. I feel as if I am defending myself through out...when I was the one who was leaving because of HIS behavioral issues. How is that??? How is it.. that the courts REALLY don't care who did what? Who said what? Whose responsible. They just divide the spoils... to what they see is fair and equitable.

 

IS.. signing off on my civil rights equitable??? I can be a mom... but I can't be or choose to be happy. I can be a mom.. but if I make the choice at some point to be happy..then I am only worth being a MOM 1/2 the time... how is that right???? So... since I'm a mother.... that means that I can ONLY be a MOTHER... I can never be a lover, GF or Wife again???????? or I give up being a mother????

 

Sure ... yeah.. I can fight it. And then what do I have... I drive myself and my children further into financial ruin... ohhh this is irony.

 

Thanx for listening to my rant and rave. I'll just go crawl into my hole and die a little more. lol.

[nenez]

Get a new lawyer.

If yours is allowing your ex to tie up your rights in this way they are not acting in your best interests.

Does all this mean you have sole custody and no visitation for your ex?

Also, apart from the financial aspect. divorce settlements arent worth the paper they are written on because either party can go back and try for changes.

If you can stand to, why not wait until the dust has settled before divorcing. I had a shocking struggle with my ex at the time, over custody, money, the house, my future status etc. Im sure it was all much worse because we did it when we were both raw and angry.

Its been 10 years, we have a child in common, we get on fine now, to the point of being friendly (if not actually friends) and we can both behave sensibley and in our sons best interests without any grief.

Also , a side issue, is it not in your childrens interest to see their father, or is there a reason why not? You dont need to answer. I hated my ex and never wanted him near our son, also his new wowmn who he left me for (who, by the way, i now get on with quite civilly) but in the long term it has been better for us all to have the contact kept up.

Never apologise for venting..its good for you.

With love, as always

Nenezxx

[HajiMaji]

I am sorry I dont know more on this stuff, but given time you will be a gf or even a wife again. My buddy is dating an older woman with a 9 year old son. Theyve been together over a year and have been living together for a long time. It happens. Theres nothing you can do to stop someone from falling in love with you again.

[Shadows Light]

Get a new lawyer.

I'm already 10K in the hole. lol

 

If yours is allowing your ex to tie up your rights in this way they are not acting in your best interests.

-Looked up state statutes for my state and.... There are laws on the books that protect children that are implied and not necesarrily written into the paperwork. He just had them spelled out. He can protest all he wants.. but he's got to litgate it. THAT has calmed me down quite a bit.

 

"If any life changes occur in the childrens lives in residential status.. akin... to marriage. Then the provisions of the SHARED PARENTING agreement can be revisited." Meaning... if I shack up... or I remarry.. he can take me to court and ask for custody of the kids.. 50/50.

 

What has my knickers in a twist... is.. the mere fact that he thinks.. THINKS to control me to prevent me from DATING or SEEING SOMEONE.. or LIVING WITH SOMEONE.. OR REMARRYING. NOT that I have plans to do so anytime soon. It just ticks me off. that he THINKS he can put me under his thumb. And he thinks he's found a legal way of doing it.. THE NERVE!!!!

 

Does all this mean you have sole custody and no visitation for your ex?

No we have standard visitation in place one night a week and every other weekend. Any more time at my discretion.

 

Also, apart from the financial aspect. divorce settlements arent worth the paper they are written on because either party can go back and try for changes.

Thats a comforting thought. Again...time, money, emotional toll.. on myself and the kids.

 

If you can stand to, why not wait until the dust has settled before divorcing.

We've been at this for over a year.

 

Also , a side issue, is it not in your childrens interest to see their father, or is there a reason why not?

The only way I can do that is if he shows aggressive behavior toward them. So far he's been Disney land dad.. with a few bursts of Anger that I have heard about from outside parties.. that I can't prove. When he had violent outbursts.. I never reported it. I never had it documented. If.. IF.. he wants to make the change and be a stand up guy and good dad.. great. Why would I want to scar my kids by not letting them have "a father". I HATE.. when he takes them places I don't approve of. IE.. some of his friends houses.. but there is NOTHING I can do about it.

 

The thing that gets me.. is that he added that little ditty in there.. NOT because of the kids.. but himself. "I DON"T WANT ANOTHER MAN RAISING MY CHILD." Thats an EGO thing. Thats him thinking about himself. Not necessarily him thinking about the kids. And he said.."YOU THINK.. You are going to re-marry.. ha ha ha.. well think again..." Thats not him worried about the kids and thier interests.. thats his little revenge on me.. his little dig.. his personal little thumb on me to control me. Do this and I'll do that.

 

Its a moot point right now. But..I feel as if there is this.. THING hanging over me.. or THIS THING.. he feels he has over me. And I feel like I am going to explode into a million pieces!!!!

 

LOL... its a good thing laws have changed... there used to be a law on the books that stated a spouse can have the other spouse commited. LOL. Do you know.. how many WOMEN were committed to institutions by their husbands????? Just because... So I suppose I should consider myself lucky to be living in 2005.. lol.

 

Thanx for listening. Nope.. No right answers. If there were.. I'd have found it.

[sonjam]

You CAN"T let him pin that one on you. PERIOD. He can never control who you see, and who you marry. EVER. Then you can do the same to him. It's his loss that he could not be a good father to his kids and a good husband to you.

 

HE'S ONLY DOING THIS because you let him.

 

You are a good mother for worrying about the kids. Do what is right for you and the kids. DON'T LET HIM BULLY YOU, AND tell your lawyer this, he should be looking out for your best interests, and the kids.

 

 

[novaseeker]

"If any life changes occur in the childrens lives in residential status.. akin... to marriage. Then the provisions of the SHARED PARENTING agreement can be revisited." Meaning... if I shack up... or I remarry.. he can take me to court and ask for custody of the kids.. 50/50.

 

What has my knickers in a twist... is.. the mere fact that he thinks.. THINKS to control me to prevent me from DATING or SEEING SOMEONE.. or LIVING WITH SOMEONE.. OR REMARRYING. NOT that I have plans to do so anytime soon. It just ticks me off. that he THINKS he can put me under his thumb. And he thinks he's found a legal way of doing it.. THE NERVE!!!!

 

Oh yeah, I'm living that right now. In Virginia, if you introduce a lover/boyfriend/girlfriend into your home, you can lose custodial rights and/or visitation rights (depending on whether you're te custodial parent or not). Dating is allowed. Getting married is allowed. But living with someone with whom you are not married or having them overnight in the house is something that your ex can use against you. It totally, totally sucks It's very much a local thing, though ... different states are very different in how they handle these kinds of things, but in more right-wing places, yes, it really sucks, but your ex can use custody and visitation issues to manipulate your own personal life decisions.

 

It's very true that when you get divorced with kids, you're not really divorced, in a sense, because that person is in your life pretty much for the duration because of the child(ren). It's best to try to seek a modus vivendi with the ex in these situations, because regardless you can't really get away from them completely.

 

Thats a comforting thought. Again...time, money, emotional toll.. on myself and the kids.

 

The financial settlement doesnt get reopened. What can get reopened are issues relating to the kids, because the family law courts retain jurisdiction over that issue in terms of determining, at any given time, what is in the best interests of the kids. That can change depending on where the kids are (ie, diferent places have different ideas about that). Again, the best plan is to try to get along so as to avoid the constant conflict ... I've seen examples of the conflict approach and for the most part it leaves everyone involved bitter and scarred.

 

I HATE.. when he takes them places I don't approve of. IE.. some of his friends houses.. but there is NOTHING I can do about it.

 

Hmmm. You could get order preventing him from doing that if you can demonstrate its an inappropriate environment for children.

 

"I DON"T WANT ANOTHER MAN RAISING MY CHILD." Thats an EGO thing. Thats him thinking about himself. Not necessarily him thinking about the kids. And he said.."YOU THINK.. You are going to re-marry.. ha ha ha.. well think again..." Thats not him worried about the kids and thier interests.. thats his little revenge on me.. his little dig.. his personal little thumb on me to control me. Do this and I'll do that.

 

Well, he can't prevent you from dating and from getting remarried. He CAN prevent you from sleeping with someone while your kids are living with you (ie when they are not with him) or from living with someone you're not married to, in terms of using these situations as a way to mess with the custody situation.

 

It's hard to see it now, but things will calm down. A year is not all that long. One, two, three years from now things should be a lot calmer.

[Shadows Light]

Thanks Novaseeker. LOL.. and he's trying to prevent me from dating in a way... seems the past month and a half he's come up with every excuse in the book of why he can't have the kids over the weekend. LOL.

 

Yes, I can remarry.. however, he pointed out to me specifically.."And if you think you are going to remarry.. think again.. I'll take you back to court and get these kids 50% of the time" and then the blurb about no other man raising his kids.

 

Talked to another women in the same boat in my area. Her husband left her for another woman "he wasn't ready to be a family man" and yet... his oldest is 14.. go figure!!!

 

Although he left her, he made sure to add that codicil to their paper work. GREAT. He's got someone else. But she can't have someone else or she ends up losing full custody of her children. Wonderful. Her exact quote was.. "Yes, while he enjoys all the benefits of a relationship and lives in luxury. He'd rather see me struggle alone, doing it by myself, being by myself.. and quite possibly wind up in the street with my children instead of PARTNERING. Doesn't that just take the cake??" Yes.. it does.

 

I see it as a control method. I see it as leaving himself an door creaked open. If I am alone, quite possibly in time... he'd have a chance to weasel back through the door.

 

You are right. Things may look different when the dust settles. A year.. two.. three. LOL. I think if and when I am ready to date.... I'll set my sights on a LAWYER.

[novaseeker]

Thanks Novaseeker. LOL.. and he's trying to prevent me from dating in a way... seems the past month and a half he's come up with every excuse in the book of why he can't have the kids over the weekend. LOL.

 

Yes, I've seen that kind of manipulative behavior as well. There isn't a whole lot to do about that, unless it happens often. If it happens often enough (ie, if he 'waives' visitation regularly), you can have the visitation downgraded in court if you wanted to try to do that.

 

Yes, I can remarry.. however, he pointed out to me specifically.."And if you think you are going to remarry.. think again.. I'll take you back to court and get these kids 50% of the time" and then the blurb about no other man raising his kids.

 

Did you agree to this in the Custody Agreement? If not, not many courts would revisit custodial decrees based on the idea that someone is remarried, unless there are other 'bad facts' (eg, you marry a known sex offender or something like that, heh). Your ex-H is probably blowing smoke here. What happens a lot in divorces is that people are njot aware of what their rights are and either act like they're entitled to do things when they are not, or act in fear that someone else is entitled to do something when they are not. I think in this case, your H doesn't understand the limits of his rights, again, unless you agreed to this in the Agreement.

 

You are right. Things may look different when the dust settles. A year.. two.. three. LOL. I think if and when I am ready to date.... I'll set my sights on a LAWYER.

 

Hehe, that complicates matters, believe me. My ex-W and I are both lawyers, and we each had retained family lawyers, so there were 4 lawyers involved. What fun! But actually, it helped things because we were each well informed about what it made sense to negotiate and what it made no sense to negotiate (ie, what we shouldn't bother worrying about because the law/courts would provide in favor of X or Y anyway).

[thegirlfriend]

Hi Shadows Light, so sorry to hear about you. No there is not much advice I can offer just wanted to let you know that I feel for you.

 

Makes me be even more careful in my choice of who I marry and have kids with...

[Shadows Light]

Thegirlfriend.. thanks I thought I knew who I was marrying. Surprise surprise. We dated for 4 years... and I was 25. There are absolutely no guarantee's in life. People grow and change. Don't expect to get married and have the person you married stay the same for the next 50 years. Or you stay the same for the next 50 years. Its rare.

 

With the divorce rate at 58% in some areas... and then people staying married "just for the kids" or for "financial reasons" it makes you wonder how many people are actually happily married.

 

Talked to a woman today who grew up thinking her parents were happily married. After her brother and she were out of the house.. parents promplty filed for divorce. Turns out... they had agreed a long time ago to "stay" married for the kids sake. So they concentrated on raising their kids. The kids NEVER knew they were unhappy. WOW!!!

 

I really thought we had the right recipe...and a good foundation. Boy was I wrong.

 

NOVASEEKER: Yes, I agreed to the custody agreement. My attorney assured me it was arleady implied in my state in "shared parenting" laws. Stayed up till the wee hours reading it... I read techinical manuals so this was about that speed. LOL. Yes, it can be revisted... and he'd have to retain a lawyer and take me back to court if I "shacked up" or "remarried"... he'd have to do a lot of leg work and go to a lot of expense to do it. At this point..I feel its best to wait for the dust to settle. I'm already deep in the hole in lawyer fee's. Its best to cut and run right now and save what is left of my sinking ship. Having a ROOF over my childrens heads right now is more important to me. So, I signed, so that I can at least save myself the expense of further court battles and fee's at this time.

 

YOUR X and You are both attorneys... OH MAN!!! to be a fly on that wall. Tell me you got a discount with a colleague??? LOL. Tell you the truth.. I don't know if I'd ever get married if I was an attorney...lol. But like the rest of us.. I suppose you thought you had the recipe to success. LOL. Kinda like finding the lost fountain of youth!!!

[darkblue]

Ugh, marriage.

At easiest - hard work.

 

Men and their ego's. It makes me sick.

Compelete narcists.