I am the cheater and have to fess up

[santacruzen]

I have been married for quite a while. I am a very affectionate person and my husband is not. Also, in the past year he has been verbally and a teeny tiny bit physically abusive. The physical part only consisted of him throwing a spatula at me and pushing me once. He says that it's my fault because I know I am making him mad. All of this stuff of us not getting along happened about three years ago. Also, he is still very selfish. For example, the other night I was napping on the couch and he starts playing with the dogs in a very loud voice. When he's napping, I tiptoe and try to be as quiet as possible. This is just one of example of many times he is very rude and disrespectful of me. Things are better between my husband and me and he is being really nice most of the time but I am never comfortable anymore. It's like I am waiting for the other shoe to fall all the time. Also, I am just not in love with my husband anymore. He has even said that he and I are more like roommates than husband and wife. He has even talked about leaving before but he hasn't done it yet. To be completely honest, I am just tired of being married. I am ready to leave.

 

Here's the really bad part. There is a guy who I have been friends with for many years. However, lately he and I have become very very close. We have pretty much fallen in love. We do tell each other we love each other and I crave him. He is very affectionate which I absolutely love. I have never met anyone like him and he and I click so well. It's like we were meant for each other and we wish we would have met several years ago. However, since we are both married, other than hugging and the occasional peck on the cheek, there is nothing physical going on. But, he and I do feel like we need to hide things. Anyway, he knows my situation and that I have wanted to get out of my marriage for a while now. He is feeling the same about his marriage. He and I are not going to run out and live together or get married or anything like if we do divorce our respective spouses but we will probably date. Also, he and I have both agreed that neither of us wants to ever get married again.

 

Anyway, my question is what should I do? Should I try to work it out with my husband when I really don't want to? Am I wanting to end my marriage now since I sort of have a security blanket other relationship? I just don't know.

[Day_Walker]

Would you still want a divorce if your security blanket relationship wasnt there?

 

If you want out of your marriage then thats just it you want out, if you are looking for a reason to get out then that is something different. Its time to make a choice.

[BellaDonna]

I think if you feel out of love and that your husband abuses you and disrespects you- then that is grounds for a divorce. If you wanted to make it work, then couples counseling would be a necessity- but it sounds like you might be past that point emotionally.

 

However, I don't think this relationship with your friend who is already married is going to get you anywhere either. Even if you did leave your husband- in my opinion, it would be pretty low to start a physcial relationship with this other man if he's married.

 

If you want to leave your husband, do it for YOU, and not for the sake of pursuing a man who is already taken.

 

 

BellaDonna

[RandomAdvisor]

Don't tell your husband! I fear for your safety if you do.

 

Abusive is abusive. Period. When he gets upset and can't control his emotions it's HIS FAULT. NOT YOURS. Blaming the victim is a classic tactic of abusers. The fact that it's escalated somewhat to physical is what really makes me worry about you telling him.

 

If you dont' want to work on the marriage, then don't. Frankly, I'm glad that you don't because your husband doesn't sound like a very nice person. Day Walker says you have to make a decision. And you do. But I think you already have.

 

Divorce him, move on, and be happy.

[novaseeker]

You have to distinguish between your feelings about the marriage, on the one hand, and your feelings about this other guy, on the other. You ought not leave the marriage to pursue a relationship with this other guy, you should consider the marriage on its own merits.

 

It sounds like you're not happy in the marriage. How long has this been the case? Are you interested in working on your marriage? Would your husband be interested in it? What do you mean when you say you are tired of being married? How does not being married look to you, what does it mean to you? Would you be having any of these thoughts if the other guy was not in your life?

 

I would think through all of these in the context, as another poster suggested, of what you would think if this other guy were not around.

[chai714]

It's always easier to leave someone when you have a "person in waiting." The more you think about it, the more reasons you'll come up with in your head to leave him. For example, he's rude, selfish, this, that, and I don't like this about him either. These are reasons you're coming up with to justify why he's no good for you and why this other guy is better for you.

 

You can't or shouldn't go jumping from one marriage to dating another guy right away. Why? Because relationships take work. The beginning or pre-beginning is always rosy and takes almost no maintenance. The velocity of being infatuated can carry one quick into a relationship, but after that period is over reality sets in. This is why making quick, impulsive, emotional decisions is never a good bet and this is why jumping from one relationship into the next one isn't a good bet either.

 

Obviously, nobody here on this forum can decide for you. You'll do what makes you most happy, even though it might be a selfish decision. Good luck.

[GettingOverIt]

I have to agree with several points.... First, make sure that what you are feeling is NOT because of this other person. You can try and fool yourself all you want, but you must take a long hard look at why you are wanting to leave. Is it because you have someone who is 'caring' etc? If that person was not in the picture, would you leave anyway? And if so, then why have you waited thus far?

 

You have to assume (sorry...) that this 'thing' with the other guy is NOT going to work out. Where will you be? Look at life from that perspective. If you want out of your marriage, then you get out, get divorced, and THEN start 'seeing' this other guy (or someone else or whatever). Of course, you cannot start seeing him before he has done the same as what you must do - look at everything as objectively as humanly possible.

 

You two have found comfort in each other, but that does not necessarily spell a recipe for love 'after' everything.... I have been in a very similar situation, and when things fell apart, it left me reeling, dazed and confused. That was more than a year ago. I am still facing many of the same things that led me to leave in the first place. This is not going to be easy, and it is downright cruel at times... You and this other guy are going to see sides of yourselves and of your spouses that you have NEVER seen or even dreamed of before... Just be prepared.

 

If you decide to leave, do it. Break all the ties you can and never look back.

 

Abuse in any form is grounds for getting out in my book....

 

That's my 1.5 cents.... ;-)

[BellaDonna]

What concerns me the most is that the "person in waiting" is also already married...and may not be waiting at all. He just might see you as a sidedish and may have no intentions of leaving his wife.

 

That's why it's so important to leave solely for YOU- and not for the sake of a man who's already married.

 

Also keep in mind: Would you ever be able to trust each other if the 2 of you ultimately ended up together? You both crossed the line while married to another with the kisses and emotional infidelity. It's not a good foundation to begin a new relationship on, if it's formed out of acts of infidelity.

 

BellaDonna

[SLMitchell918]

First off, the relationship on the side is your main problem. It is nice knowing you can get the things you are missing from something but right now its just not right. This new relationship seriously effects on how you feel about your husband. It makes you look for faults. Do you find yourself complaining to the new guy about the things your husband does?

 

If your husband is seriously abusive to you - mentally and physically then you should leave. Things could only get worse. I have had my husband throw something small at me in the heat of the moment but i have no shame in throwing something back lol but it never happened again. i'm not making excuses for him but all i'm trying to get at is maybe you should go to see someone about getting help in your relationship if it is not too late. At one point and time , your husband done something to make you fall in love with him . You married him for a reason. However being happy is your number 1 priority. If you feel that you cannot rekindle your relationship/love with your husband ( with his help) then its time to get a divorce. Divorce is the last resort. Any relationship on the side doesn't not help your relationship with your husband or yourself. You have to do this for you and only you. The guy on the side probably won't ever leave his wife. You need to stop talking to him and see if YOU want to leave your husband because you are unhappy. Not because you know someone else might be waiting for you.

 

Best of luck

[santacruzen]

I have had serious thoughts about leaving my husband way before the other relationship started. I have been secretly saving money for a while now too so I won't be completely broke. I am getting closer and closer to walking out too. Now when my husband has his outbursts and it's "my fault", instead of standing there and taking it and trying to calm him down like I use to do, I leave the room before it gets worse. One of these days I am just going to walk out the door and not come back.

 

The relationship on the side is not why I want to leave but I think it makes it a little easier. I have wanted to leave way before that started but am just now getting the confidence to do so. I know "the other guy" may never leave his wife and I think I would be fine with that. I hate to admit this but I know his wife and I like her a lot and would hate to see her get hurt. Also, as some of you have said, why would I want to get out of one relationship and jump immediately into another one. I agree that it's not a good idea.

 

Also, as some of you talked about, I have thought about what things would be like if I were to leave my husband and didn't have that relationship and you know what, I think I would be very happy. I am very active in a local club here that has meetings once a month. WHen I go to the meetings, I feel very guilty because my husband refuses to go with me and he gets mad that i go. I go anyway but am nervous the whole time and never stay late to talk because I know my husband is going to be mad at me when I get home for going in the first place. I have a lot of friends too and they are always wanting me to do this and that but I don't much because my husband will get mad. If I leave him, I can go shopping or to a movie with my girlfriends whenever I want to and not feel guilty about it. I love it when he goes out of town because I do take advantage of it and hang out iwth my girlfriends and not worry about having to be home at a certain time.

 

Anyway, I think I am going to do it and leave. I am going to save a little more money, get things secured and then do it. My parents have never liked him and fully support me in this too.

 

Thanks for all of your comments and advice.

[GettingOverIt]

I wish you all the best! Saving money is a great idea! You have a very solid head on your shoulders, and though it is going to be painful, it sounds like you have really thought this through.

 

It helps to have support from your family and your friends, but even if that wasn't there, it sounds like you are well on your way to making a new, better life for yourself.

 

Remember that if things get tough, you have a whole lot of people right here that will listen and that can try to help...

 

I would guess there are a lot of people on here that wish they had your strength......

[Country Garden]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 10 years, we have lived together the last five years. He has told me at times we are more like room mates instead of boyfriend and girlfriend, but after you have been together for a long time the inlove part kind of dies, there are things you can do to bring this back but seeing another man has you all messed up. I suggest that you stop the outside affair and try and make things better in your current relastionship, I also agree that what is happening is that the other guy is new and you are expecting this relationship to be better, but let me tell you that the grass in no greener on the other side and you are hurting yourself by doing what you are doing. And if you tell him it is even going to be worse, you will be hurting him. If you do divorce this man I suggest that you get rid of the other guy and give yourself and your husband the time to work on your marrage, you can not do this with the other man in the picture. Years after you have been with him the same thing will happen, nothing ever stays new, it always gets old. That is what is wrong with people today they cant work through the rough times and just throw in the towel. Dont be one of those people, marraige is somthing that you have to work at and it not something that should be taken lightly. Right now you dont really know what you want because there is someone else in your life, no good, and being single out there in todays world after you have been married for a long time is a whole different ball park. Its not like you are coming out of college or high school, most of the good guys are taken and the pickens are few and far between. Get rid of him and take care of your husband, spice thing up a bit and see if you cant get the relationship back to where is was before all the fighting, if you can do that then you will be fullfiled and no need to end a long relationship to find that you made a mistake.

[GettingOverIt]

I'm sorry, but are you suggesting she stay in an abusive relationship because there are "slim pickens" for her out there if she leaves???? I mean, is that what you are saying??

 

The next issue I have is this one: No one should stay in any relationship just because the prospects of finding somone else may be limited... Of course, the whole argument is invalid because there are always people in every age bracket who are available!

 

I am utterly dazed and amazed....

[santacruzen]

I know I have that relationship on the side BUT I have done a lot of thinking lately and I would be very happy without a guy. I do not need a guy to define me or make me happy. I am very involved in a sport and in clubs and I have many girlfriends. I would stay busy even if I wasn't married AND I would have a lot less stress because I wouldn't have to worry about what is going to happen the next time my husband gets mad at me.

 

Like I said before, I think the relationship on the side is just giving me more confidence. However, Country Garden is really correct in one aspect. I should drop the relationship so I am not biased by that in making my decision about whether or not to leave my husband. However, the leaving part has really been decided for quite a while now, I just never had the means to do it before.

[Country Garden]

No I dont think she should stay in a abusive relationship, what I am saying is that she is making excuses because she is in another relationship. Her marriage looks worse to her because she is haveing this outside relationship and as long as this is going on she will get no

where. You can not fix a marriage while haveing another relationship with someone else. The new looks to good. Truth is she needs to get out of the mess and work on what she has. The other new in time will get old to. When a relationship gets old do you run to another, no I dont think so, fussing is hard but can be fixed! # 1 she could start by telling her husband that all this fussing and fighting is pushing her away and if he wants to stay mrried to me then I think this is something that we need to work on, it is her choice whatever she does, for me I would rather work on the current marrage than to throw it all away, I dont even see where she had posted that she has even tryed. Most of the time when you cheat the new relationship will not work out. You can not trust the other person nor can he trust you because both of you went behind the others back. I dont really think this is what she wants