How does attraction work, I will never understand it.

[PavPPZ1]

Hello,

 

I am 23 years old, and for as long as I can remember since I ve been in my teens, I do not understand how, and what attracts women to men. I do not understand exactly how it is possible to make a girl interested. What are the things that make a girl look at a guy and feel passion or attraction, and want, need desire? Is this something you must be born with or is it something that can be learned and perfected? I wonder about these things, and from experience I do not know, because I have only seen hot and cold, reactions from the opposite sex. Sometimes I will meet a girl, I try to stay reserved and collected, this usually works best.

 

I am not sure if I am asking the right question, but I am essentially trying to get to the bare nature of women, past the social materialistic stereo types which are not up for question. What is the crudest and most basic aspects which a woman looks for in a man, from his personality, character, principles, looks, demeanor, and any other qualities which strike women as important.

 

Can someone please enlighten me on this matter, it is driving me crazy.

[heloladies21]

I'll pm you a really good site for getting girls.

[ShySoul]

What is it that attracts you to women, beyond the physical or material? It's the same thing with women. There is no magic guide or key that will unlock everything and have girls attracted to you. Just be you, don't think about attraction. When we try to make ourselves attractive, we tend to end up trying to hard. But when we are simple comfortable being who we are, our natural qualities will shine through and that will attract others.

 

Basically, just be a good person. Treat others as you wish to be treated. Do onto others as you would have them do onto you. If you are being a kind, sincere person, others will treat you as such. Others will be attracted to you because you will exude a warm heart and give off this aura of compassion and understanding. Eventually you will meet someone with whom the attraction is deep and mutual. You will hit it off and things will go from there.

 

If your goal is simple to "get girls" you can find all kinds of sites on how to manipulate them. But be warned that what you are doing is playing with their hearts and minds and that will only do more damage to yourself and to them in the long run. If your goal is to find someone special, then don't worry about it. Be yourself, focus on doing what you enjoy doing and being the person you naturally are. Things will work out for the best.

[jna35]

Well said ShySoul.

[PavPPZ1]

I cant agree completely with you here, I think instead of wording it the way you did. I would say I want to take charge of dating and meeting women, rather then wait for something to fall in my lap.

 

In the past year the women I ve seen and met who I was very attracted to I probably talked to no more then a tenth of them. Thats when I am relaxed I just take it easy. Well I want to go from push marketing to pull marketing, I want to switch the cards and play it smarter.

 

Anyway, I hope that doesnt offend any girls as I woudl like to see some responses from you the most.

 

Thanks

[Beec]

First, you will never entirely understand what attracts a woman to man. I cannot fathom how one looks at a man's body and has physical desire for it, but I am glad women do, and very glad one particular woman does with mine.

 

Second, attraction is all about how people feel. There is no list to say this is attractive and this is not. Some women like clean cut guys, some like bikers, some want a guy who looks like a hippie from the 60s, and lucky for all these guys there are women who want them.

 

What you need to consider first is how to tell when a woman is attracted. I've spoken to a woman for a while and we enver talked about how each of us felt, but we ended up togather. I met my current gf and knew she was attracted to me before we ever dated. How did I know? Her body language told me. Learn about body language, it will tell you a lot.

 

Your second thought is to think about the skills needed in dating, other than reading and sending body language. Just talking to people, meeting and mingling, flirting, knowing how to ask her out, etc. Each involves a bit of skill.

 

From there look at some strategy and tactics.

 

Since attraction is about feeling, you need to think about what kind of feelings make someone want more. If they want more of what you gave them, they are attracted. Have you seen the movie "Hitch"? I think most of it is crap, but the first things that Kevin James does to get the woman is make her feel good about something that people do not normally compliment her on. She is coddled and not trusted with things and he says let her choose, she can think, etc. this got her attention. You need to consider what will get a woman's attention on you, with you looking like you want it. Your initial comment about reserved is good.

 

If you see a puppy and it wants attention, it walks right up to a person wagging its tail and asks for attention. Human beings don't work that way. We need to make an indirect approach. We need to send signals of interest and signals of aloofness. What you do is give her something she seeks or needs emotionally, while remaining aloof and independent. Kevin James gave her brain respect, she sought it and he did not look like he wanted something for giving that.

 

Does this make sense? Take a look at the free principles at link removed

[Rebel]

I'll pm you a really good site for getting girls.

 

Mind sending this to me as well? My uh, "skills" are a bit rusty...

[PavPPZ1]

Well, I guess I was hoping some women might add some of their input... Perhaps there is no basic elemental answer to this question.

[Caterina]

It is difficult to say what attracts women to men. There are some things you can do to boost chances, but there are no fundamental things that I know of that can guarentee anything. Boosting chances includes being confident, kind, funny, not-clingy, and independent. Or at least convey those attributes. Don't fall too quickly, I'd say, its a turn off.

[JynX]

I've always heard the answer as something along these lines: Each one of us unknowingly produces some chemical, and those of the opposite sex with just about the same kind or very similar to it, get attracted to each other.

 

Okay, so if I was a scientist I could have worded that one much better but, that's the best I can do as of right now.

 

But it makes sense, atleast to me. Why is it that your friend can be dating the equivalent of, oh say Orlando Bloom or Josh Hartnett, and they are beyond all words gorgeous, yet you never get that "attraction" to them? In my eyes this attraction between men and women all depends on the chemicals their bodies produce and put out.

 

If that even made any sense....

[DropToZero]

Check this other post that Diggity put up recently, I think he's doing a good job of getting points accross that other people seem to agree well enough with on dating. Check out his other stuff too...besides that, there's plenty of posts that go way back I'm sure that do their best to describe and find out how to attract women.

 

 

[PavPPZ1]

Thanks, for that post it definitly reminded me what's important once again. I think digity is right, with his points. The other point which I will add to his argument and as well to this post, is this:

 

You can have respect and be respectful, but you will never be seen as either unless you portray these qualities. thereforeeee the next question is how to show who you really are inside, from your confidence, courage and wit, I guess being loud and abnoxious in a bar doesnt really get that point accross to anyone let alone women.

 

Well maybe you guys can add on this and shed some light on this issue.

 

Paul

[wlfpack81]

Attraction is simple. Either your beautiful and thereforeeee will have luck in the game or your ugly and will have a rough go at it.

[heloladies21]

Attraction is simple. Either your beautiful and thereforeeee will have luck in the game or your ugly and will have a rough go at it.

 

That is a completely false statement as far as chicks perceptions are concerned. Plenty of hot girls with ugly guys because of their "personality". Charm and the ability to talk are very effective in attracting women, even more than good looks which are further down the list of requirements for girls.

[Beec]

There was jsut an article last week asking why so many female celebrities who are considered hot are with guys who are not anywhere near as good looking. You're off on that comment wlfpack81.

[PavPPZ1]

I have to say, looking extremely ugly would be bad, but being average looks, or better and having some personality and charm are probably the key, now how do you develop those, thats the question...

[ShySoul]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...

 

Different people will be attracted to different people. There is nothing you can do about besides just being you and believing in yourself. There is no universal standard of what is attractive. Give me one person with whom everyone will consider "hot." You can't do it. You could be attractive to all kinds of people, doesn't mean the person you find attractive will think like that. And no one is "ugly" cause to someone they are beautiful both inside and out. There only people who are "ugly" are the ones who carry around bad attitudes such as "I'm ugly" or "I'm better then everyone else."

 

PavPPZ1, you stated that you want to get past the stereotypes. And yet it seems you are only going after girls that you see, not know. If you only talk to a tenth of them, I'm taking it these are girls that you just see somewhere, not people that you actually know. You are attracted to them based upon superficial things, which isn't trying to get past stereotypes. Try not worrying about it and just being you. It all comes together when it is suppose to.

[PavPPZ1]

I dont happen to know that many girls just off hand, obviously I am talking about women Isee, who else. Yes when I find someone attractive I would like to meet and talk to them, but that has nothing to do with stereotypes, just ttraction, which is exactly why I started this post. Yes there are some stereotypical aspects of attraction which both sexes find interesting and appealing, those are the ones I am trying to understand. The rest wil fall into place I agree, but you first need a chance up to bat.'

 

Thanks

[Beec]

If you accept that it is not about looks, and you can see that women are attracted to some men and not others, what is it about those men. What is different about them than about other men who don't get women?

 

Look at how they walk. I suggested learning body language in this thread, but if you look at how a man who get women walks, his movements are never jerky. He's together, moves confidently and with ease. He is trying to get where he is going and knows he will get there. How a man moves and positions himself says something about his personality? Look at this. If you want some great and different examples, look at men who were starts in older movies, they are textbook. Movies today often have agendas that get in the way, so the old ones give better examples.

 

Listen to how they talk too. Slow, firm confident, can get their point accross without a need for yelling. Sometimes they don't even say much at all, they can say something with a calm stare, a smirk, a smile, etc.

 

Many of the men in older movies were not really good-looking. Humphrey Bogart was a star, but he would never be a male model today. he was just not that good-looking. Take a look at: link removed So what was it that made him attractive to the women that saw him in movies? The characters he played made the feel a certain way, and it was not because of how he looked.

 

It was how he walked, talked, etc. Admittedly, he could not be ugly and be a star, but looks were not requied.

 

OK, now this jsut address women you don't know. As soon as you meet people, things change a bit. But . . . I don't feel like writing anymore right now.

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[ShySoul]

Standards of beauty changes throughout the years. Thus back in the day someone like Humphrey Bogart was a standard. Today it may be a Brad Pitt. Today there might be a thing for larger breasts on women. In the past the "hot" women had smaller breasts. Go back to Victorian ages and the attractive women were the delicate ladies all decked out in fancy dresses.

 

Outer beauty also varies highly with culture. Which culture was it that prided there women on having tiny feet?

 

Point, it is all so subjective. If we are basing it upon things like how you look, how you dress, how you talk... everyone is going to have a different answer. Some people may fall for a southern accent, others Australian, others don't even care. Some may like a suit and tie, others may like jeans and a shirt, still others a hard working blue collar type. Just be who you are, people will find you attractive. And if someone doesn't, it isn't because of what you do, its that you aren't compatible. You just don't match up to her preferences. Too bad, someone else will see the great things you have in you.

 

You need a chance at bat. Well, you have chances at bat everywhere you turn. Your a year older then me. Still in school or working full time? If you are in school there has to be girls in class or around campus. And there are no girls where you work? Talk to them, get to know them and become friends. More you talk to girls, even just as friends. More comfortable you get around them. You'll lose the nervous and wondering how you can attract them, and just be comfortable talking. Once you get in that comfort zone of being able to talk to them with ease, your natual qualities will start showing through without you having to do a single thing. Someone will find you attractive.

 

If you really feel the need to get "in the game" more, just take up a hobby. Like acting, join a theater group or something. You can make new friends and certainly some of them will be female. It's not a matter of attracting girls to you, its a matter of having fun and living your own life doing what you enjoy. In doing so you are opening doorways to meeting new people and one of those doorways may just lead you down that romance path.

 

And look at it this way, would you rather go around acting a certain way just to try and attract a girl (even though the majority of people you encounter still won't be attracted to you and those that are it probably still won't lead anywhere) or would you rather someone be attracted to you just as you are, without you having to do anything? You deserve to have someone be attracted to you not because of the act you put on, but because they like the real person inside.

[PavPPZ1]

And look at it this way, would you rather go around acting a certain way just to try and attract a girl (even though the majority of people you encounter still won't be attracted to you and those that are it probably still won't lead anywhere) or would you rather someone be attracted to you just as you are, without you having to do anything? You deserve to have someone be attracted to you not because of the act you put on, but because they like the real person inside.

 

You raise a very good piont here, but I have to say peopel are people, and my agrument goes back to fixing aspects of myself that are unattractive. As anyone else I think the idea is to better yourself, this is what I am trying to achieve. And thats whyI am asking about these qualities if you have none then youwont get noticed and you wont get up to bat. The more attractive attributes you have the more chances, this is how I look at it. But dont get me wrong, it seems like I do get chances, just not with the women I d like to.. so Obviously my skills and attributs are not up to par with all of them.

 

Thanks

[ShySoul]

But dont get me wrong, it seems like I do get chances, just not with the women I d like to.. so Obviously my skills and attributs are not up to par with all of them.

 

Or maybe its bad luck? Maybe you're going after the wrong girls yourself? Maybe instead of trying to change yourself to go after the girl you want, you should take a closer look at the girls right in front of you. Maybe if you took a closer look at these girls, you would see something in them that you find attractive and worth taking a swing at. These girls are already noticing you, why not see whats there instead of ignoring it to chase after someone who isn't paying you attention and may never pay you attention no matter what you do?

 

Secondly, if you want to better yourself on something, start with that last line. Instead of comparing your skills and attributes to someone else and coming to the conclusion that you aren't up to par, why not just look at yourself. Comapre yourself to the person you were a year ago, 2 years ago, 5 years ago. Have you bettered your negative traits? Did you use to lose your temper easily but now can be calmer about things? Did you use to be a sore loser but can now graciously accept defeat? Did you use to worry about little things but now don't swear the small stuff? Did you use to worry about impressing everyone you meet, but now see that what you think of yourself is what matters?

 

And thats whyI am asking about these qualities if you have none then youwont get noticed and you wont get up to bat.

 

As I was just saying, why do you look to others to tell you what qualities you have? Why don't you think about the qualities you do have? Try this, list the qualities you do have. And you have to have some, cause you admit to having chances with girls. Get out a paper and make a pro and con list of what you think your good points are and your strong points. They can be anything you like for now, from physical traits to talents to having a good job to the values you have. Once you do that, back away from it for awhile. Then take another look and see what jumps out at you. Are there more good things then you thought? Focus on those good things. Are the negatives pretty much small stuff? Is there something that catches your eye as a huge difference maker?

 

Try it. If your comfortable, post the list or you could pm me with it. I'm willing to bet that you have far more great qualities then you are giving yourself credit for. And what you think you are lacking in, is probably very minor and insignificant in the long run. The answers you want come not from without but from within.