Confused about sex

[Help_Needed]

I am really confused!!! I am not able to enjoy sex. The only way I can reach an orgasm is when I receive oral sex. However, it does not happen often. I feel completely frustrated because it takes for ever. I often give up during it and try to move on to something else. There is a lot of foreplay before and I am completely turned on. I do not enjoy intercourse at all. It is actually somewhat painful. I have told my OBGYN and friends. My friends say it is because I am not doing it enough. I don't want to do it because it hurts so it is hard to do it "enough". Plus, I feel uncomfortable when I am having sex. Like I am doing something wrong. Why do I feel this way? I love my partner, I want to be with them, and they turn me on to no extreme. Why can't I enjoy sex? I have tried everything: adding things, being romantic, etc. Also, how do I initiate sex? I obviously don't do that now because I don't enjoy it, but I just don't know how. Please give me any input anybody has. This is a serious posting. I need serious replies please.

[Kurodashi]

I read in a magazine once that is quite common for women in their 20s to loose their libido and sex drive. But as far as I can remember, the article also said there were simple medications to ease this problem.

I think it has something to do with an inbalance of hormones.

 

But as I said, thats just some magazine I read, Im no expert. but Im still throwing in my two cents

[combat_barbie]

How often are you having sex? Has it been a while since you have had sex? If a woman goes a year without having sex she physically becomes a virgin and of course after that the first few times she has sex would be painful.

 

If you have been having sex say at least once a week for a month or so then it's possible you have Vulvodinia. It wasn't reconized as a medical condition until recently at many doctors don't know about it so it wouldn't be surprising if your OBGYN didn't.

 

I know a friend who had it. She described similar symptoms as you. She had to go to for different doctors until one recognized what was wrong. How uncomfortable are you when you are having sex?

[Smarie]

I am not totally sure, but I believe they make a female version of something like Viagara. Im not sure if it's supposed to help your sex drive or not, but you should look into that. I'm really not to brushed up on my knowledge of anything like that, so dont take that as 100% right, but you should definitely ask a doctor about it.

[Help_Needed]

In the past 6 months I have had sex between 5 to 10 times. Probably closer to 10. I don't have an interest in it anymore. More because it is uncomfortable and not that I don't want it. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being no pain and 10 being severe pain, I am around 5 when I am having intercourse. It is not extreme pain, but it is enough. I also have the concern about how I feel awkward about it all. I don't want to say dirty, but something close to that. I appreiciate all of the help.

[qpmomma]

If a woman goes a year without having sex she physically becomes a virgin

 

WHAT???? I have NEVER hear that! Can you site your source? Or am I in the dark about this?

 

Christina

[darkblue]

If a woman goes a year without having sex she physically becomes a virgin

 

WHAT???? I have NEVER hear that! Can you site your source? Or am I in the dark about this?

 

Christina

 

Hillarious, but unfactual.

[jna35]

Hmmmm....... a year without sex gives us back our virginity huh? That gave me a giggle!!!

 

Anyway, part of the problem you are having could be emotional stress. You say you feel "dirty" while having sex. That could actually cause some physical problems. Check out this site for more info. on something called vaginismus. link removed

 

I hope you are able to find someone to help you. I would suggest going to a different OB/GYN.

[Shadows Light]

Like I am doing something wrong.

What do you mean by doing something wrong. As in you think you are not using the right techniques??? In that case there are a myriad of books available out there for you. Try your local library, mine is on line and I can peruse at will and order in books. There's a book called.."How to Be a Great Lover: Girlfriend-to-Girlfriend Totally Explicit Techniques that Will Blow His Mind by Lou Paget" Its got a lot of great info about technique etc. and really does bring it down to an understandable level to make you comfortable.

 

The way I found my books was to go to the on line book store.."A" not mentioning the name directly. And from there I could get a synopsis of the book and check it out at my library. The more you read and the more knowledge you pick up...the better you will feel about technique and doing it right. I can tell you...there is NO right way of doing it. You do what feels good, and you go from there. But first and formost you need to be comfortable with yourself and your own body.

 

OR... did you mean that you feel like you are doing something illicet by having SEX at all???? when you say you feel what you are doing is wrong? Why do you feel this way?

 

Why can't I enjoy sex?

You sound like you are unsure about yourself and your body. And self-confidence really helps in this arena. DO not judge yourself by porn queens, or setting your standards that high. Please.. thats like wanting to have a body like a Barbie Doll.

 

How do I initiate sex?

Ahhhh....The art of seduction. Well here to you need self awareness and self confidence. Again.. try picking up books like the one I mentioned above. The more you know.. the more confident you will feel. Confidence comes with age. At least it did for me. Once you become comfortable in your own skin...you'll wreak of confidence. How do you initiate sex. lol. Well do you flirt?? Think of the 5 senses. Sight, sound, taste, smell, touch. Men are generally known for being visual creatures. So a sexy outfit suffices. Sexy.. not trashy. Less is definitely more. Meaning, wearing a very soft to the touch clingy sweater and a nice black skirt with a small slit. Or even a white button down shirt with a skirt. Leaving just enough cleavage but not to much. You appeal to their sight senses. Light make-up. Not to many ornaments (jewlery).. and a touchable hair style. Then.. experiment with perfumes. What smells best on you. What mixes with your body chemistry well. Not all perfumes are made for all bodys. Again...subtle. Think of the 5 senses when you go out to romance or initiate. Actually, if you experiment with the 5 senses.. I'd suggest you did it for yourself first. And fall in love with your body and yourself.

 

You get yourself together and get that confidence.. and then you flirt. A smile. A touch. A whisper in his ear. Sometimes just jumping on him like a hungry cougar works!!! AMBUSH TACTIC. They love it. Or... to initiate when they arn't paying attention... touch and a whisper works. Just walking up to him and sliding your arms around him, kissing him.. lightly... ever ever ever soooo lightly..and then turn it into a passionate kiss.. roaming hands, and hugs. I'm sure he'll get the picture and get the hint. He'd have to be dead not to. There are many ways to initiate. The best way... fits with your personality. Sometimes being playful works. Teasing, laughter... tonz of ways lead to the bedroom. It depends on what you are going for... and what he's into. The fun part ...is figuring him out. lol. Have fun with it. Experiment. And most of all.. above all.. communication. "did you like that?" "soooo how about this...." or "how did that feel..." or just plain.."what do you like...??"

I obviously don't do that now because I don't enjoy it, but I just don't know how.

As I said... you have to be comfortable with your own body. I"d check out a different gyno for your physical issues. Find out if anything is going on here. You say its painful?? are you not getting wet enough? Is he not waiting for you to lubricate properly. Or.. are you so nervous that you arn't lubricated properly? Seriously.. getting to know your own body is the best way of knowing this. Masturbating and finding out what YOU like yourself... can help know trigger points. And answers to these questions. If you arn't lubricated enough... it will hurt. And YES.. you will NOT have a good time or enjoy it before, during, especially after. If there is tonz of foreplay... have you tried use some astro-glide lubricant? You really need to figure out these physical issues on your own before you can go further. Try your gyno. or even a sex therapist, who specializes in this area.

 

 

If you have been having sex say at least once a week for a month or so then it's possible you have Vulvodinia

. Vulvodynia

link removed

 

WOW... very good call. I've never heard of it. And you know.. I may have had this once upon a time. Probably when I first started having sex. In my 20's.. and did not know what it was. Thanks for the info. interesting article on mayoclinic web site.

I also have the concern about how I feel awkward about it all. I don't want to say dirty, but something close to that.

Now... this is a telling statement. Again.. what do you mean. Do you feel it is dirty as in unclean? or do you feel it is dirty in that it is sorted and just.. hmmm too raunchy? In either case... THIS thought will cause a barrier. SEX is 90% mental. And if you have thoughts like these.. ..you won't enjoy it. You might be tensing up..and causing yourself discomfort. I'd definitley see a sex therapist to see if you can get down to the root cause of this thought process, so you can start working it out for yourself. Its not going to go away by itself..and will only cause you problems with this partner, and the next, and the next. Do you get my drift? Nip it in the bud and go talk to someone.

 

Again... you need to feel comfortable about sex for it to be pleasurable. The dirty part.. as in, not clean. Well, instill a shower rule. I did. I had a thing about cleanliness and needing to be clean. And knowing my partner is clean. So, just tell him that. Be open about it. I've noticed with myself... that if we've just stepped out of the shower, I will lose most all inhibitions. It helps with feeling comfortable.

 

Dirty as in Raunchy... well, to each his own. I think as you grow and mature, depending on your nature. You will grow out of this. You'll experiement more. Then again... there are things that you will just find offensive and there are no two ways about it. Sooo... you just don't go there. And you make it known. ie. Anal sex.

 

ORAL SEX and Orgasm. I think you'll find thousands of write-ups on this one.. up and down this forum. Most women... stats are somewhere about 80% and up, Can not orgasm with penetration alone. Most women orgasm with direct clitorial stimulation. Its just the way were were built... what can I say. So we'll orgasm when our Clitoris has been manipulated digitally, mechanically, or orally. Why does it take so long? Well that depends... on average it takes a women 15 minutes to get to peak. 15 minutes!!!! lol. While it takes some guys less than 5 to get there via oral. Again.. its just the way we were built and there is no two ways about it. If you are not orgasming orally... then are you thinking about it too much??? are you trying to hard??? are you worried that it may be taking to long and he's getting tired down there??

 

Believe me.. most men would much RATHER take their time down there and make sure they made you happy..then move onto other things. To get you off is a boon to them and thier ego. To get you off and put you over the edge.. makes taking thier pleasure so much better. So, don't think you are doing him any favors by moving on to save him from getting ..LOCK JAW. lol. Have u talked about it with him???

 

The way to get yourself over that ledge.. is to learn to relax. So, here's an idea for you to learn to get your mind off of technique or time. Do you read romance novels? Do they get you hot and bothered? Good. Pick a scenario from your favorite romance novel...and commit it to memory. Remember the time, place.. details. Smells. Feelings. The story line. And then... when your BF is down there doing the wild thing. Go to the data bank..and whip out that scenario in your head. Cast you as the heroine. Cast him as the hero in the story. Transport the both of you to that local, that setting...

 

Make sense??? It'll get you to forget .. how long he's been there. And it may help you not worry about technique.

 

And above all... here's the most important part. Don't hold back. Don't hold back your sighs, moans, back arches, just let yourself go. Go with it. It feels freer that way. Much better. And THEY abosolutely love the heck out of that. Sex should be pleasurable for both of you. Have fun with it.

 

PS... RECIPROCITY... ohhh before I forget. Make sure you enjoy him as well. Map out his entire body. Make sure you give as good as you get. You can't go wrong.

[combat_barbie]

If a woman goes a year without having sex she physically becomes a virgin

 

WHAT???? I have NEVER hear that! Can you site your source? Or am I in the dark about this?

 

Christina

 

Hillarious, but unfactual.

 

I don't mean seriously a virgin. You can never go back in time and change that around i mean the wall of her vagina retighten to the state they were in prior sex. If a woman does not have a lot of sex it will be as tight as it was prior to losing her virginity thus making it as uncomfortable as it was the first few times she had sex as noted later in my post.

 

I can't find my original source or at least I don't have time to but this is a very similiar source that mentions the fact that going a long time without sex can cause bleeding due to the increased tightness of the vagina

 

link removed

[cichlid]

I think you need to go to some doctor about the pain you are experiancing. There could be something wrong that needs to be checked out.