dating a single dad

[dani1971]

I have been exclusively dating my current bf for the past 5 months. He is an extremely hands on parent to his 4 yr old son (keeping him 2 days a week and every other weekend). So naturally he and his ex keep the lines of communication open for their childs benifit. There have been no legal proceedings to decide who has custody (they work it out between themselves). After 5 months I still have not met his son. When I recently brought the subject up my bf told me that he was very protective of who he brought into his son's life. While I respect him for being such a hands on dad, I have to admit that I am a little hurt that he excludes me from that part of his life. The longer I stay with this man the more I care for him and that includes his child.

 

My question is: Is this normal/abnormal behavior for him to exclude me from his relationship with his young son? Is it too soon? Or are there other issues going on? Any advice would be appreciated.

[jna35]

Honestly, I think it's normal for him to be protective of his little boy. I would try not to take it personally. Your boyfriend is probably waiting to see where your relationship goes before introducing you to his son. It's really hard on little kids if they get attached and then things don't work out. It sounds like he cares for you though, so be patient and I'm sure you will be meeting him soon. I commend you for accepting his son and being so supportive.

[lady00]

I have never been in this situation but I think it might be too soon. I think for a young child of a single parent, it is important that they don't get confused by meeting too many of their parent's dates before things get too serious (I think 5 months is perhaps too short to judge the long-term potential). I think it makes sense for him to want to wait until things have been going on for a good long while and the relationship is fully established and looks to be long-term before he introduces you to his son.

[novaseeker]

There have been no legal proceedings to decide who has custody (they work it out between themselves).

 

Eh ... in most states there would still be a court order ratifying the arrangement.

[melrich]

It's hard to say if it is too soon or not but all the literature says don't introduce the kids to new partners until you are conmfortable in the relationship. Is he comfortable? My guess is that after 5 months he should be.

 

But also do you know what they have told the son? Maybe they have not fully explained the seperation, maybe they are saying the mommy and daddy are still together but very busy and can't see each other much?

 

If that is their way of protecting the child then I think it would be wrong but it may be the way theu have chosen to do things, wait till he is older before explaining the real story to him.

[Blue Skittles]

It is too early yet. Its a big deal for a father to introduce another woman into his son's life. Also, the child goes through a lot of emotions when a 'stepmother' figure is introduced. Don't take it badly, I'm sure he just doesn't want to put his son through this until he knows for sure your relationship is solid and you are going to be together a long time. Just be patient and don't pressure him, when the time is right it will happen.

[jenny_mcs]

Hi dani-

 

I think what your bf is doing is healthy, and a sign of being a great dad. It's very unsettling for a child to have people constantly entering their lives, the child becomes attached, and then if things don't work out, there is another adult that is gone from the child's life.

 

My brother has joint custody of his 2 small kids, and he didn't introduce them to his gf until they had been together for 8 months.

 

It's really about what is best for the child, and not for you. Of course you want to meet your bf's child, it's only natural, but I think the best think you can do is be unselfish about it. Let him know you look forward to meeting him, and then let your bf judge when the time is right.

 

Good luck, and when your bf finally does make the big step to introduce you to his child, it will really mean something special.

[ratherbesailing]

Dani -

 

He could also be trying to avoid a conflict with the ex for good reason.

 

5 months is a long time for you to have to wait since I'm sure you sincerely want to meet his son. How about a compromise where you and he arrange to bump into each other at the grocery store or something when his son is with him so you can at least say a quick hello, even if you aren't formally introduced as dad's new friend.

 

My kids were a little older when my wife left (11 and 14). I waited a few months to start dating but after that my boys would answer the phone when women called and they never asked me who the call was from or why they were calling. I doubt his 5 year old son is going to start asking a bunch of questions if you meet him quickly somewhere.

 

I hope it is all out in the open for you soon. You sound like you'd be a good friend to his son and one advantage divorced kids have is that they grow up to be more flexible because they do experience more change.

 

Just a warning, when I started dating the woman I've been with for a few years now, her daughter could be quite nasty at times. Usually she would direct it at her mom when I was around but some of it would flow my way. 5 year olds are pretty adaptable and accepting but you might get a cold reaction from him in the beginning, just be patient.

[dani1971]

Thanks so much for your encouraging advice. I have tried to be patient and understanding of his feelings. We have been dating each other for 8 months now and I still have not met his son. It has been really hard for me. I am really starting to develop feelings for him. We have even discussed the situation of me not meeting his son, and he tells me he wants to introduce me into his son's life but he is afraid of the reprocusions from his ex. He feels his child's mother will reataliate (financially) if she knows he is happy and in a relationship. The mother is on the verge of cancelling his monthly child support payments. I want to continue my relationship with him, but I am scared of being hurt. What makes it so bad is that he keeps his son every other weekend plus two nights a week ( so during that time we do not see each other). I am so confused. Any advise you have would be apreciated.

Thanks again

[novaseeker]

It's ... a difficult situation. How much do you now about his agreement with his ex-wife about custody and support? Is there a document? Is there a court order? Does his ex-wife live in the same state?

 

There's a lot of issues he's probably worried about ... some of them relating to his son and some of them relating to his ex-wife. It does place you in an odd spot, and eight months is a longer-ish period. Have you discussed his concerns with him recently?

[forever1476]

I was in a relationship with a man for over a year and never met his kids. I'd trusted the fact that he was being careful with who he brought into his kids' lives....but unfortunately, after splitting with him I found out that he was still involved with the mother, which is why he never wanted me to meet them. This doesn't mean that this is what is happening in your case, every situation is different. But, I believe that if a person is serious about moving on and has truly ceased relationship ties with his ex, then introducing you into his son's life shouldn't be an issue. Why can't you be "daddy's friend"? If there aren't lingering issues between he and his ex, she'll understand and be happy that he's in a loving and supportive relationship. Her only concern with you should be whether you're a good influence on her child. If she trusts him as a parent, then she should trust that he can make good decisions about the people he chooses to have around her son.

If she opts to use her son as a pawn, she'll be the one to suffer in the long run. His son is four and his father has been a consistent part of his life....there's no way the mother will be able to sever that tie without damaging her relationship with her son. If he's serious about a future with you, he'll take the necessary legal action to prevent the mother from playing games with child support and visitation.

[novaseeker]

Each situation is different. My ex puts a LOT of pressure on me in this area as well, and I'm in no way involved with her other than as a parent. Sometimes it comes down to whether the parent wants to "rock the boat" with the ex or have a confrontation with the ex, or not. I agree that after a certain period of time (which is different in each case), you really do have to ask the person to choose to be more confrontational with the ex in this area so as to allow you into the child's life, or to choose to be less confrontational, in which case it will be hard to continue the relationship. But realize that for the parent it's a pretty bad situation to be in, and you can feel like you're caught between a rock and a hard place. I've been there myself.

[patience]

is he protecting his son, or is his protecting himself? this is what I am wondering...

 

do they still not have legal paperwork drawn up? if not, why not?

[ratherbesailing]

Dani -

 

I am so sorry to hear that you are still hanging in limbo. It must be really hard.

 

I have to believe he's telling you the truth because, as much as my ex was the one who left after cheating, she still went nuts when I started dating a few months after she left. It didn't make any sense, but it did affect her attitude as we were going through the divorce and attitude is everything in a divorce.

 

Unfortunately there really isn't anything you can do, he's got to make the decision about what he's willing to risk. You've already talked to him and he wasn't willing to take the risk, so the message is pretty clear that he isn't available for the type of relationship that you want and deserve.

 

You can either put your life on hold for him and try to accept things the way they are for now or you can cut your losses and move on. You sound like you really want to work this out so my suggestion would be to set a cut off date for yourself. If he can't involve you with his son by the time you've been with him for a year, then you will move on.

 

I hate to admit this but my girlfriend is on her third extension of me setting deadlines for us to move forward. If I'd have followed through with my own advise I'd have moved on months ago. Now I'm tired and unhappy and trying to make my own decision on when enough is enough.

[Scout]

Somehow, the ex is the reason why you haven't met his son. That's what I truly sense. What I think you really need to determine is if your guy has really broken all the romantic ties with her. It's one thing to not introduce you to his kid because his ex will get mad, but why isn't he more available for phone calls at least when he does have his child? That's a bit of a red flag to me.

 

This is a valid issue to have real concerns about and I think you're entitled to sit the guy down and ask point blank if a) all physical and intimate ties with his ex are cut and b) realistically, when can you expect to meet his son?

 

Otherwise, I'd be very hesitant to let yourself fall too much further for him.