How do I get my power back...???

[cinderella jones]

...I am so pissed at myself ...I allow my ex to express himself to me over IM and like a sucker I get all caught up in having conversation with him...at one point of the conversation I realized that my apartment was getting flooded b/c of all of the rain and I told him that I had to get off the phone because of that. He expresses all of this concern but yet when I got off IM he doesn't bother to call me once or anything to see how i am doing that night...So like a fool I called him and he didn't pick up....that night I felt really uneasy about that...and so I called him the next day from my job...again...he didn't pick up...finally he calls me that night and claims he didn't hear the phone...and then acts as if he doesn't get whY i called him..meanwhile in my mind I am thinking to myself "didn't we just talk" ..and didn't you just say all of these things to me about us and how you are so worried and concerned about me..and yet I don't even get a call to see how I am handling the flood...anyway I realized that he is not mentioning that he was with someone else that night and is acting as if he has no idea why I would be calling him...( I feel like he bated me and I tricked somehow ).. it is like when he talks to me he bates me..and when I finally bite..he yanks away the bate ..ya know what I mean?...I decided that I am no longer going to speak with him and am cutting it completely off.....I am just angry because I feel as if I didn't get my last word in...and I gave him back the power in our last conversation....is there a way where I can get the power back and just finalize things with him once and for all..I know this sounds like a game...but I can't help but feel manipulated by him and I want to give him a taste of his own medicine...can someone help me conjure up something so that he feels my wrath????? I am so mad right now....

[Mun]

Hey there,

I know this is not what you want to hear, but why not take the power back by simply not making yourself available to him. I'm sure he will get the message when you are suddenly too "busy" to talk with him.

 

Yes, revenge would be sweet, but then he will still have that power---can you see that?Sorry, I just don't see you "winning" in this situation with him.

 

He sounds like he would not even make a good friend, so why keep him around? You can do better. Sometimes you just have to take the high road and know that was the smartest move.

[shes2smart]

it is like when he talks to me he bates me..and when I finally bite..he yanks away the bate ..ya know what I mean?...I decided that I am no longer going to speak with him and am cutting it completely off.....

 

That's the only way to "win" in this situation...by cutting off all contact with him. Otherwise he will continue to push your buttons and keep you interacting with him on his terms.

 

I am just angry because I feel as if I didn't get my last word in...and I gave him back the power in our last conversation....is there a way where I can get the power back and just finalize things with him once and for all..I know this sounds like a game...but I can't help but feel manipulated by him and I want to give him a taste of his own medicine...can someone help me conjure up something so that he feels my wrath????? I am so mad right now....

 

If he is one of those people who likes pushing people's buttons and baiting them, then you picking up your toys and not playing anymore IS getting the last word. Refusing to deal with him on his terms IS taking your power back.

 

I can understand if you feel residual irritation/anger towards him and/or the situation and want to express that. Just don't express that to HIM. If you do, you let him know he has gotten under your skin and button-pushers feed off of that knowledge. So, instead, vent to a friend, vent here, write a letter -- don't send it, but burn it in a fireplace or grill when you're finished writing. Anything to express that irritation will work -- as long as it's not being expressed to him.

 

It is difficult to cut someone like this off -- particularly if you are easily baited into ongoing arguments/discussions. Been there myself...allowed people to get me all freakin' flustered and "explain" myself...but that NEVER comes to a good end. (I figured that out after more times than I care to admit...well into "tens of times" possibly "hundreds of times"...) The best thing to do is cut off all contact and simply not deal with that person anymore.

[cinderella jones]

You guys are all so right..I know...just not speaking with him or picking up the phone when he calls is what I need to do. I am angry at myself for opening that door again...I feel like he has something over me now because by allowing him to talk with me I feel allows him to believe that I am not happy presently in my life..in other words I showed him that I was still willing to talk to him...and for that I am angry....so just like you 2smart i get what you mean when u wrote "(I figured that out after more times than I care to admit...well into "tens of times" possibly "hundreds of times"...) I feel the same way..like I never learn....I feel even more down because the man I am talking to presently showed me a mean side to him today and so with all of that on top of everything else I feel really lonely....why can't I meet someone who is stable in all ways ..I don't mind those little imperfections...but at least someone who is honest and noble ..ya know....I feel so down..

[shes2smart]

I feel the same way..like I never learn....I feel even more down because the man I am talking to presently showed me a mean side to him today and so with all of that on top of everything else I feel really lonely....why can't I meet someone who is stable in all ways ..I don't mind those little imperfections...but at least someone who is honest and noble ..ya know....I feel so down..

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. The important thing is to learn from these experiences so you can do better next time.

 

I got myself involved in a lot of messed up situations with guys who didn't just have issues, they had a subscription. Over time (we're talking years), I learned to recognize potential problems/unacceptable behavior quicker, and learned how to pick up my toys and move on faster. We're talking one was a serious alcoholic...and now I can spot someone with addiction issues very, very quickly thanks to him. But getting out of that situation with him took a very long time. And that's just one example.

 

Just take the lessons you've learned and remember to apply them to the next guy you meet. If you catch yourself falling into old patterns of behavior, take a moment to stop and consider if you really want to do things the same way again. Developing new habits and new patterns of behavior is hard, especially in the beginning. But the key is to keep at it, and it will become second nature to you with enough repetition.

 

There ARE good ones out there, though they may be few and far between. The faster you can learn to spot liars, cheaters, players, those with addictions and those who are otherwise not candidates for a healthy relationship AND the faster you can learn to say "thanks, but no thanks" (or my favorite, "NEXT!") to those guys the better off you will be.

 

I was looking at my journal from the summer before I met my husband (2001), and even at that point I was still doing some incredibly stupid things in the romance department...far, far fewer than I had, say 5 years previous, but still making some questionable choices. So, I don't know that we ever make the best choices 100% of the time in life. If we did, we'd never learn anything. So take the lesson with you, and leave the rest behind.

 

A guy I used to work for had a little plaque hanging on the wall in his office with the following statement on it:

 

Good judgment comes from experience.

Experience comes from bad judgment.