How do you attract/approach the right people?

[shelbymustang_fan]

Hi. I am a shy and reserved 20 year old male. I think I am a victim of "nice guy syndrome" Have never been very talented with the ladies. Never had a g/f and only been on a handful of dates that my friends set up. The first problem is that my friend sets me up with people who's only ambition in life is either partiing, or preppy people who think they are all that. (I am motivated and have goals in life)... Plus when friends set me up, I feel like a loser...It kills my pride that I couldn't arrange a date myself. (I'm a very independent person).

 

So now I need advice on where to meet the right people (nice, ambicious, common, etc.) And how to approach them or attract them??? It just seems impossible to get to know people. How do you tell if they're taken or not? I'm tired of being single. Suggestions please.

[Itsok]

I've noticed that 'nice men' (you mention reserved also) tend to be introverted. Super nice, but not out in public enough to get noticed!

 

When is the last time you went out for supper with a friend? Ever thought of buying the pretty girl at the next table a drink?

 

When's the last time you were at a wedding, play, or joined a club/group that really shows the type of person you are?

 

Personally, I have a wide range of friendships, and when my pals want me to go with them to someplace with a large group of people, I don't hesitate. That's the way to meet someone, by being involved in social activities and groups.

 

I just started dating the man of my dreams, who I met while I was at a wedding. He is very shy, but he got up the nerve to ask me to nearly every dance, and offered to buy me drinks all evening. Then, when we sat together and talked, I realized just how amazing he is and that he wasn't the average annoying male with stupid pick up lines. I think he did a good job of snagging me

 

Good luck bud, I hope you'll find someone who suits you. Remember, when you aren't looking is when she'll appear....

[shelbymustang_fan]

Thanks Itsok. As a matter of fact, my cousin is getting married 2 weeks from now. Is supposed to be big. But about the dancing part. I'm not exactly good at it. for example: I mow the lawn at a local small-townrestaurant. The owner is very extraverted, thinks the world of me, and is determined to hook me up with somebody. They recently had an outdoor 3rd anniversary celdbration for the restaurant. A live band played into the night. Everybody over 21 was so drunk they could hardly walk. Anyway, I'm sitting there enjoying the entertainment, and the owner brings one of the waiters over. I was totally unexpecting this. So anyway, we get into small talk and start dancing with all the drunk crowd. (not my type of crowd, and we are under 21 and sober.) We were really not into eachother but we enjoyed the company of eachother. But I felt (and looked) like a complete Jaka$$ out there I didn't have a clue on what to do. But before that about 2 yrs ago I took a girl to prom and dancing seemed easy. Do you think the difference was simply the surrounding enviornment, or do som gals just make it easier to follow their lead?

[xblondiex518]

First you need to tell your friend to stop setting you up with people bacause thats obviously not working, next you need to stop saying your shy, forget the shyness. If you think your shy then thats what prople will think of you, say ur a cofinent guy, your 20, go to clubs, or if thats a little to much for you go to a coffee place sit down, get some coffee, relax, when a women that catches your eye, talk to her, ask what she reading, anything, make eye contact. Or if there is a women behind you in line, show off your niceness, say "Oh you can go in front of me, i haven't decided yet", that will show off your nice guy side, that wil show your not in a rush to go anywhere either, and that will let her know your staying, if she sits down, this is great cause then its your chance to grab the table near hers. Le her know your interested, smile occasionaly, make eye contact(really important, it makes you look cofident, even though you've never been so nervous), make up excuses to talk to her, "I have no more sugar, can i have some of yours", the most important thing is to make sure she gets the idea, if the conversation goes well exchange numbers or e-mail adresses. If it doesn't work with her, then there are so many other women who buy coffee at that cafe, have fun.

[shelbymustang_fan]

very good advice xblondie. About the shyness...I am making lots of progress overcoming that. I can finally smile and lock eyes for more than a split second. I can say "hi how are you" but this is where I need help. I still cant walk up to a stranger and start natural conversation with them. Whenever I try it always ends up feeling like a job interview.

[MetallicAguy]

Confidence is universal, it works for everyone when you have it. And basically you have to be very self-expressant, like if your a music freak, wear a bunch of T-shirts by your favorite band, for example Led Zeppelin. And usually if someone else is a music freak like you or likes the music your into then hey there's a little connection there. And then see how it goes from there. Get where I'm going with this?

[Simon80]

Dude grew a set and walk around with confidence. This is what atracts people. Have no fear. Who gives a flying fudge if you get shot down. The worst is not doing anything. Missed oppertunity. I can't sit there and just notice, I have to go talk to her. If anything its practice. Next time your out and see a good looking girl you would love to take out just go ask, easy as that. Each time it's practice and will become more natural. I just think about all I would have missed out on if I didn't approach girls - so much of life's experiences, this is what drives me - missed oppertunities.

 

Good luck man.

[annie24]

I think you should try to meet like-minded girls. For example, if you are in college, form study groups for exams. (And with girls you think may have potential!) Ask girls out on study dates - you know, get coffee, and work on your homework together. See where things go from there.

 

Go to places where there are lots of girls. Bookstores, mall. You can approach a smart-looking girl (or whatever your type is) and say, "I'm looking for a birthday present for my 17 year old-sister. Do you think that she would like this sweater?" See where the conversation leads.

 

I don't think you should have people stop setting you up - dating is a numbers game, afterall. But, you may want to tell them what your type of girl is. Maybe they're setting you up with these party girls to bring you out of your shell?

 

As to how to tell if they are taken, if they are wearing a wedding ring/engagement ring, that will tell you. If there's a holiday coming up, ask what their plans are. If it's, "my boyfriend and I are going to his parent's for thanksgiving" - well, there you have it! To find out if the girls are taken, you'd have to engage in some conversations.

 

Good luck and don't give up!

[JonathanJonathan]

Everyone's advice is great, but I find it incomplete. I totally relate to shelbymustang and pulling out confidence out of your pocket and flaunting it like it's a Rolex isn't the easiest thing to do. I'm shy and have only had one relationship, which barely lasted a month.

Four years later, here I am, scared of making a fool out of myself if I ask a girl out, scared of rejection and confidence-less. Is there anyway people like us could exercise our hidden confidence?

I always tell myself that "Girls feel special when you flirt with them or ask them out. So just do it," and "You have one life to live," but it's not enough to drive me to asking a girl out. Or even look a girl in the eye for a few seconds.

[JC2006]

Everyone feels the fear of rejection. It's how you react to that fear that determines whether you'll be able to meet someone or not.

 

It's ok to be afraid. Confidence isn't being fearless. Confidence is overcoming your fears. Fight your fear. Don't let it win.

[shelbymustang_fan]

Hey jonathon, One thing I've found helpful is to talk to a close friend about girls. If there is somebody that you want to ask out, tell your friend about it. Tell them there is a nice girl in your class and that you're going to ask them out. At this point, you are committed. Your friend will not let you forget about it until you ask the girl out. This is a must because if you're like me, you will never get up the courage by yourself. By trying this idea, your friend not only helps give you courage, but eventually you will just have to do it so your best friend will shut up.

[mae_may04]

I assure you there are shy girls, too. And it's just as hard for us to find guys who are like us. I had to join groups that were like my major and get out of my shell a little bit with friends in the clubs. Then, I met my boyfriend at one of the conferences.

 

You just have to put yourself in a place where you'll find girls you think you'd like. If you want a quieter girl who is more like you, find one. Trust me, we love to have guys around who pay attention to us instead of just talking to us until the popular girls are free.