Am I being unduly selfish?

[sugarmomma76]

I've been dating this guy for about 15 months now.

 

At first, we were both childless. Then I had to intervene with my family and take in a child. He didn't complain and has always helped with the child without even being asked. He's selflessly provided a father figure to this child and done her a world of good. I am very thankful for all of it. He's always been there for me, even when I lost my car, he ran me around wherever I needed to go for about a month or two until I saved up and bought a car. He never complained and wouldn't even take gas money unless it was necessary.

 

Also at the beginning of the relationship, he lived in his own apartment. Although we spent a lot of time together, he still had his own place. His own vehicle, job, the whole nine yards. He supported himself.

 

Then he had to start paying child support, and it was so substantial that he had to give up his apartment and live with his sister. He still has his job and his own vehicle but he has to live on about $400 a month. He's an exemplary father and a great boyfriend.

 

He practically lives with me now because he is so poor. He helps with the child a lot, and I am so grateful for that.

 

However, his truck is not very fuel-efficient and has problems with overheating, etc. My car is lot nicer than the truck and far more fuel-efficient. It started out with him borrowing the car on days when he has his daughter (it's supposedly safer for her), so that means I have to drive the POS truck. It really irritates me. But what's more irritating is that he now borrows the car even on days he doesn't have his daughter in order to run errands. He drops me off at work and picks me up. He also borrows the car on weekends to drive to and from work (he works overnights so it's not like I need the car in order to go anywhere). He buys some gas but does not financially help with anything else.

 

I feel like I should not have to let him borrow my car on days when he doesn't have his daughter. Honestly, his reasons for using the car when he does have her seem a little stupid to me. I don't think it's any safer or any of that BS. I think the car is just plain nicer.

 

I love this guy and I honestly think he's just in a bad situation right now. I don't think he naturally is this way. Before the child support, he was not dependent on me. But now I feel like I'm taking care of my grown-up son and it doesn't feel too good.

 

But he has helped me through so much with nary a complaint whatsoever. So I'm wondering, am I being unreasonable? Am I being just plain selfish?

[DN]

Are you saying, in effect, that you would break up with this guy over this issue?

 

He helped you, emotionally, with the child you took in, and with a taxi service - but you don't really feel like helping him?

[Ms Omaniac]

i personally don't see the big deal in him borrowing your car. you two sound close enough that ya'll are a couple...and he prob feels comfortable enough to use your stuff because he has no problem sharing what he has of his with you.

 

i guess if it realllly begins to bother you...you should ask him about it nicely why he borrows your car so much now. but i also would do it in a way to try and not make him feel like he is a burden or pain. you will hurt his feelings...and that in return...will make you feel bad.

 

at least that is what i think.

 

- ivy

[CATLOVER]

Hmmmm You really need to say something to him or it will fester......Tell him how grateful you are for all his help with the child but that financially you are feeling resentful that you are paying for most of everything. If its how you feel, its how you feel...and better to talk it out with him and give him a chance to try and sort something out....its unfair to go on and pretend your happy, when your not...itll seep out soon in other ways.

[Bethany]

You have to decide if he is worth the minor irritations. After what I just read, I think he is.

Why don't you just tell him that you dont mind him having the car but you hate driving the truck and ask him to use it more often as you miss your car adn the independence you get from it.

Its not a hard thing to sort out surely? Communication is the key. He probably doesn't even know your annoyed. At least tell him how you feel.

[Meow18]

He did help you through a lot. He took you everywhere you needed to go when you had no way of getting there. You even said he didn't complain back when you depended a lot on him.

 

In my opinion, you are taking him for granted. You allow him to do so much for you when you are going through a rough time, but then suddenly when he needs all the help he can get, you complain??

 

You do have a right to your car and it's nice that you allow him to use it when he needs to get his daughter. I agree too, that if he's just shortly going out for errands, why not use his own car? It's not like you don't need your car. You need your car for work.. and it is your car. I think you just need to talk about this and just work out a simple schedule. Tell him the days he can use your car, but tell him the days that you would like to have your car.

 

He does need you right now. Loving someone means loving them all the time, even through the hard times. You know he is going through a really rough time right now. Show him you love him by wanting to do all you can.

[RayKay]

Hmmm, I don't know...it seems he was really there to help you out when you were in need, and now that he is in more dire straits, you don't want to do the same for him. I mean, even when you lost your car, he was there to help you get around for a couple months...maybe he deserves to borrow the new car time to time..lol.

 

I don't know, maybe his reasons for using the car don't make sense for you, so why don't you two sit down and work out together what days are acceptable and which are not as you need/want the car. But I mean if it does have issue with overheating, I guess he does not want to get his daughter stranded on the freeway or something..I think you should talk to him about it.

 

I am sure he is stressed out right now, and is not thrilled to be so dependent on you (I know I am feeling bad about going back to school and my boyfriend (voluntarily) helping support me).

 

Love does mean being there for each other during the rougher times too...he does not sound like a deadbeat or anything in anyway, just someone having some financial stress as many of us do...and he was there for you. I think if you start resenting him though, be careful, it may mean you are not as interested in this relationship anymore for whatever reason and are finding more "faults" as a result.

[Iceman26]

 

At first, we were both childless.

 

If you were both childless, where did his kid come from?

 

At any rate, he needs to come up with a money solution for himself, either finding a better paying job, or going back to school so he can get a better job. If he shows no motivation to do so in order to better your lives together, then it would be time for you to move on at that point.

 

Everybody hits a rough spot, its what they do to help themselves get out of it to define what kind of person they truly are.

 

I can understand your irritation, I personally feel that he should be more of a gentleman in letting the lady use the better car. He sounds like a pretty good guy though, so talk to him and tell him your frustrations, because it is more then just him using your car.

[CATLOVER]

From the Stork Iceman....sheesh....LMAO

[Iceman26]

That made me laugh.

 

Beginning of relationship neither had any kids.

 

Then Sugarmomma had to take on a kid from somewhere.

 

Then he had to pay child support. His kid isn't sugarmomma's kid because if it was hers, then he wouldnt have to pay child support since they are together.

 

I am just trying to figure out how he was childless when the relationship started, and then all of a sudden a kid comes out of nowhere that he has to pay for.

[CATLOVER]

Didnt ya know they drop outta the sky

 

Please dont be so ignorant ... LMAO

[DN]

I think she may have meant that they had no direct responsibility for children, especially financial.

[sugarmomma76]

If you were both childless, where did his kid come from?

 

He was about 3 months out of a relationship that went bad...she broke up with him shortly after becoming pregnant and told him she didn't want anything to do with him. So, eventually, and unbeknownst to him, his daughter was born. He found out through a neighbor about 2 months after the fact and right before a letter from her lawyer came in the mail...

[sugarmomma76]

Hi guys,

 

No, no way would I ever break up with him over this. I just wish he would try to find a better job or something. I wish he would pull himself up somehow, like I did when bad things happened to me. It just seems like nothing is changing...

 

But after thinking about this and reading all your replies, I have realized...yes, I AM being unduly selfish. I need to give him better emotional support and stop complaining so much.

 

I am thinking that my irritation has more to do with me and my personality than his actions or lack thereof. Thanks all for your advice. You all really helped me.

[DN]

When you say 'better job' - do you mean more money? - or more job-satisfaction? Does he like the job he has now? Or could it be possible that a job with more money would mean more stress at a time when he needs less complication in his life?

[sugarmomma76]

When you say 'better job' - do you mean more money? - or more job-satisfaction? Does he like the job he has now? Or could it be possible that a job with more money would mean more stress at a time when he needs less complication in his life?

 

More money. He hates the job he has now, but at the same time, he's not looking too hard, in my opinion. It's been a while since he's put applications in. But then again, the job market is a bit tough right now. And he's fairly selective about what jobs he'll apply for -- he insists on being in the security field. He could do many more things, but that is where his experience is.

 

I have decided I am just going to leave him alone about it as much as I can and try to keep a better attitude; one that is more mature and less selfish. I would not have wanted him to treat me as I am treating him and I feel pretty low for having acted that way.

[DN]

When you say 'better job' - do you mean more money? - or more job-satisfaction? Does he like the job he has now? Or could it be possible that a job with more money would mean more stress at a time when he needs less complication in his life?

 

More money. He hates the job he has now, but at the same time, he's not looking too hard, in my opinion. It's been a while since he's put applications in. But then again, the job market is a bit tough right now. And he's fairly selective about what jobs he'll apply for -- he insists on being in the security field. He could do many more things, but that is where his experience is.

 

I have decided I am just going to leave him alone about it as much as I can and try to keep a better attitude; one that is more mature and less selfish. I would not have wanted him to treat me as I am treating him and I feel pretty low for having acted that way.

 

Well, you can probably make it up to him over the next few nights 8) 8)

[sugarmomma76]

More money. He hates the job he has now, but at the same time, he's not looking too hard, in my opinion. It's been a while since he's put applications in. But then again, the job market is a bit tough right now. And he's fairly selective about what jobs he'll apply for -- he insists on being in the security field. He could do many more things, but that is where his experience is.

 

I have decided I am just going to leave him alone about it as much as I can and try to keep a better attitude; one that is more mature and less selfish. I would not have wanted him to treat me as I am treating him and I feel pretty low for having acted that way.

 

Well, you can probably make it up to him over the next few nights 8) 8)

 

lol more than likely. i'm starting to think this is a thing with me...that i am 'afraid' I will be taken advantage of because I have been in the past. It is so hard to get over all that baggage!!!!

[Meow18]

THat's understandable. I've been taken advantage of in the past too, so I know what it's like to worry that other people will too.

 

However, just remember how much he was there for you when you needed him. That's an obvious sign that he's not just using you.

 

And I don't think you are nessecarily being selfish. I think you have a right to use your car too. Just talk out a schedule or something. And being there for him doesn't mean you need to give him everything you have. Just be there for him like he was there for you.

[Iceman26]

And he's fairly selective about what jobs he'll apply for -- he insists on being in the security field. He could do many more things, but that is where his experience is.

 

I have decided I am just going to leave him alone about it as much as I can and try to keep a better attitude; one that is more mature and less selfish.

 

When he had a kid and fell into debt, he lost the priviledge of "being selective". He should be doing whatever it takes to better his situation for himself and in turn, for you.

 

If he hates his job, but won't leave and isn't doing anything to better his situation, he can't be that selective. I'd call that settling for less.

 

You aren't being selfish, you are looking out for yourself, and there is nothing wrong with that.

[sugarmomma76]

THat's understandable. I've been taken advantage of in the past too, so I know what it's like to worry that other people will too.

 

However, just remember how much he was there for you when you needed him. That's an obvious sign that he's not just using you.

 

And I don't think you are nessecarily being selfish. I think you have a right to use your car too. Just talk out a schedule or something. And being there for him doesn't mean you need to give him everything you have. Just be there for him like he was there for you.

 

Thanks Maggie. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to read this and answer.

[sugarmomma76]

When he had a kid and fell into debt, he lost the priviledge of "being selective". He should be doing whatever it takes to better his situation for himself and in turn, for you.

 

If he hates his job, but won't leave and isn't doing anything to better his situation, he can't be that selective. I'd call that settling for less.

 

You aren't being selfish, you are looking out for yourself, and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

I agree with that, but my reminding him is probably just making him feel worse. I can do a wait and see on the job bit until he can see reality more clearly. I don't want to drive him away by nagging...

 

Thanks Iceman.

[sugarmomma76]

wow so right when I thought I was getting a better attitude about this, he reminded me of what is so irritating about it...

 

I had this appointment today that he had to take me to, because he had my car as usual. He complained and complained about me going to this appointment because he didn't think I ought to for a bunch of reasons that I disagree with. My problem with that is that I didn't think he had the right to question it. He made arrangements to make up a visit with his daughter on Thursday and the time was such that I'd have to drive the POS truck, which happens to be missing a pane of glass right behind the driver's head (which is relevant because it is getting a wee bit nippy here in the midwest). So I called to ask him if he could please adjust the time by half an hour and he wasn't too happy about it.

 

I just can't fathom that I'm talking about wanting to use my own car and I'm having to worry about inconveniencing someone else. So then he groused about having to miss something or other because I had this appointment today. He had just assumed he'd have my car today. That, too, is unbelievable to me. I'm listening to someone else complain about how they didn't get to use my car as they wished because I needed the dang thing. WHAT?

 

Maybe it's not just me after all! Dangit I'm right back to being frustrated.

[Iceman26]

Whats his is his and whats yours is yours. You aren't married or engaged to this guy, and if he wants to gripe about using your car, don't let him use the damn thing at all.