Anxiety of a Young Man

[jenny_mcs]

Puddle-

 

I think your post is interesting. You want to be with a beautiful girl who is a virgin and who has, in your opinion, really great morals.

 

My question to you is- are a beautiful person with great morals?

 

Are you the most attractive you could be (very fit, takes time with your appearance)? Are you dong things that make you a better person, like volunteering for worthwhile causes, etc?

 

If you wanted to date a "party girl" you would go to clubs and bars to find these girls. If you want to date a girl who has other ambitions, why not go to places you would find these types of girls?

 

Fill your life up with things that *you* want, and maybe you will find a partner who has the same values!

[Puddle]

I don't care if she'd volunteer for causes or something. I don't want her to be a treehugger, just have good solid morals. I don't think I ask anything of her I'm not myself. Ofcourse there are things that I can't be simply because I'm a man, but I'm not a bad person either. I'm caring and extremely empathic. I don't think anyone who wasn't would be this serious about these things. I'm tall, dark... and some have said I'm handsome. I can't evaluate my own looks. Some like short blondes that look feminine.

 

I'm not talking sharing intrests here, that's not the topic. And there are no places here that would have some sort of gathering of girls like this. If there would be ofcourse I'd hang around that place all the time.

 

People can change, yes. But like I said this is mostly about emotions and thinking about her being with someone else, which I can't stand. Plus I'm talking about so young girls I don't think they've had so much time to change after doing something "bad." You don't change right after you do something. There's an emotional shock after what you do that can repell u from doing similar things again. Those feelings can fade and be replaced with the old morals that enabled you to do it in the first place. Have you ever heard this before: "I'll never cheat again!" Look at the statistics on that. Most do it again.

[Bethany]

Stop looking for a beautiful girl on the outside and try meeting a woman beautiful on the inside. Maybe some girls have just one partner who at the time they loved and felt it was right and no one is perfect so stop looking for it or you could end up one lonely old man in time to come.

[Huli]

I find this so interesting..and I registered just to post here.

 

from what I've gathered, you like intelligent and funny girls, and you like quiet, feminine ones. At that point, I sort of lost to the application form. To me, it really coincides: a girl who's funny and intelligent and who's quiet and totally feminine. I know that guys who are very male/masculine likes very feminine and shy girls (kick me if I'm wrong), and I wonder if you're one of those guys. As for me, I can be quiet, very quiet and deep in thought, but I'm usually cheerful, open and silly girl to others. So yeah, I lost to the application form.

 

You're right about pretty ladies who are still virgin being rare, and most chinese girls stay virgin for a much longer time than western-girls. I'm chinese, I'm 19, I'm picky and I'm a virgin. *archs eyebrow* and I'm sure you'll be searching your bum (picked this word cause '*ss' isn't allowed) off for someone who will fulfil your wishes, and it's a sad thing. I wish you had easier targets. Cause when the outer part fits your checklist for 100%, you've gotta a new problem: character, habits and beliefs. Even though I've never been to Finland, I'm sure you can find a Finnish girl to your liking. The heck, you can also search for chinese immigrants in Finland, since most asian girls are quiet, collected, bit shy and feminine. BUT...they're also very picky. SO good luck really.

 

I never found virginity of a partner so important, so I can't say I understand your situation. I give more attention to looks, behaviour and the way he treats me instead. What mistakes or heavenly relationships he has doesn't give a damn, as long as he's using his experience to treat me like a girl should be treated. The same way you want your partner to be in love with you and share her virginity with you. But, I wonder. Did you ever thought of what happens and how you would feel if you break up/have an unhappy end with her whatever the reasons? will you still search for virgin girls and everything along with it? If not, wouldn't it be easier to start searching for someone who would stay with you till you're all old and grey-haired right now instead of experiencing a clash of inner beauty?

 

Gah, I talked too much. Sorry!

[Caldus]

Cause when the outer part fits your checklist for 100%, you've gotta a new problem: character, habits and beliefs.

 

I was wondering ... could I put that in my signature and quote you? Best comment about this thread made yet in my opinion.

[JC2006]

Nothing wrong with only being attracted to beautiful girls or with wanting them not to have been sexually promiscuous or even a virgin just as long as you're aware that, in this day and age, you're making your search for Miss Right difficult. Perhaps more difficult than it needs to be.

 

That's your prerogative though. Good luck on your quest.

[Caterina]

I say that there are larger things on this planet to worry about...

[Caldus]

I say that there are larger things on this planet to worry about...

 

Most people view other things as the larger things of the planet.

[Dre_7]

And I say you can't take care of the world if you can't take care of yourself first. I don't understand why some of the posters have a problem with Puddle's wants, they are his. At the end of the day, he is the one who will decide how to go about finding that girl. What if he posted that he wants a girl he finds unattractive who has also been sexually promicuous? Would the naysayers then tell him he has low self esteem? Or applaud him because he wants what THEY want for him? Can't please everybody...

[Caterina]

I say that there are larger things on this planet to worry about...

 

Most people view other things as the larger things of the planet.

 

Perhaps, but I personally think that the correct view would be that thinking this much about this subject is pathetic. I know what I want in life, but I don't dwell on it. I also don't think harshly of other people either. I think calling people "disgusting" is a cruel, insensitive thing to say. I might agree that virginity is something that someone would ideally want, but I don't think that judging people are aren't virgins is very kind either. Also, what people often claim to be "truth" is really just a form of control. For instance, saying "I only like white people" might be a form of truth and someone could claim that they are just using their right to speak, but anyone with half a brain knows that its also an oppressive form of racism to go around saying something like that.

[Dre_7]

Caterina,

 

I didn't get what you meant by the part about the "truth"..

[Caterina]

Oh you know, the claim that someone is just "being honest" and that their cruelty is somehow noble b/c of that justification...

[Puddle]

Everyone is disgusted by someone at some level. Why is that so terrible? If a girl has lost her virginity she might not disgust me as a person, just the act she did will. I can look at her and not be disgusted, but I can't look at her for the rest of my life.

 

Is obsessing about something always pathetic? If it is I'm pathetic, but so is everyone else. There is no correct view.

 

One can think what might be the psychologically healthiest view though. It's probably not mine. However I don't think it's an overly tolerant view either. Being a "tightass" about all this stuff atleast enables me to appreciate that virgin girl if I ever meet her. If I treated everyone as equals I probably would've had about 600 girlfriends by now. Atleast I know what I want, which you can't say about most people.

 

Maybe I'm not kind. But chicks dig guys with attitude.

[Caterina]

Whatever floats your boat...

[Caldus]

Preferences.

 

That's all they are.

 

There's no absolutes going on in this debate. Simply preferences.

[Beec]

Puddle, stick to your guns. I just want you to get up off of your butt and find a way to look for what you want.

 

And I just cannot agree with Caterina. Am I racist because I want to date a redhead? We are speaking abotu sexual attraction. Different people prefer different things. Do such preferences make us racist? I think not.

[Caterina]

Puddle, stick to your guns. I just want you to get up off of your butt and find a way to look for what you want.

 

And I just cannot agree with Caterina. Am I racist because I want to date a redhead? We are speaking abotu sexual attraction. Different people prefer different things. Do such preferences make us racist? I think not.

 

I am sure you will agree that we are somewhat products of our environments. Because of this, our preferences are also influenced by our environments. Including, but not limited to, the things that were taught to us. Sexual attraction is merely preference that was taught to us, I contend.

Obviously desiring a redhead wouldn't make you racist.

Saying that you find black women revolting, however, would. This sort of comment would come from the type of environment you had growing up. Some things that come from our environments need to be unlearned. Some of our preferences should be examined. There are preferences/sexual attractions that are clearly wrong. For instance, sexual preferences for young children would be wrong. Measures to change that particular preference should be applied to a person's life. Some sexual preferences are wrong, and need to be changed.

[Dre_7]

Preferences are good to have, but shouldn't be absolute. You never know who you will be attracted to, so no need to limit yourself too much. I don't necessarily mean that you will fall in love with someone who is the exact opposite of what you want, because I've never seen the logic in that statement. But be open minded.

Caterina, I agree with you where you say some preferences should be changed, and you used preferences for young children as an example. That is sort of extreme though, and you can't compare that with a desire to be with someone of a certain race, or to be with a virgin etc. While paedophelia (sp?) is sick and twisted thinking, most preferences are not that extreme. I'm sure you have preferences of your own. Only desperate people don't have any preferences for a mate.

Furthermore, I disagree with you where you said that preferences are the products of our environment growing up. I grew up around mostly black people, but now I have a preference for white women. It doesn't mean that I am racist by any stretch of the imagination. I just don't understand why you object so strongly with people haveing preferences.

I mean, at the end of the day..does it really matter to you and I who some stranger decides to date?

[Caterina]

I do not object to the idea that a person has inherent preferences. What I object to is the person who allows his preferences to go unexamined. If he can maintain a preference that is unchallenged by any ethical/moral standards, I think that his preferences are fine. It is a fine distinction to know what preferences are healthy and what aren't. I used an extreme to drive home the point that certain preferences must be changed, despite recognizing that other preferences are okay.

 

Your preferences are of course a product of your environment. YOu cannot know something unless you encounter it. Everything you encounter is in some form, from your environment.

 

I dont' care what a stranger decides to date, but because of my fundamental desires to know what is right and wrong, I have a desire to let others know what I have discovered, and to continue to seek what I havne't discovered...

[Dre_7]

I do not object to the idea that a person has inherent preferences. What I object to is the person who allows his preferences to go unexamined. If he can maintain a preference that is unchallenged by any ethical/moral standards, I think that his preferences are fine. It is a fine distinction to know what preferences are healthy and what aren't. I used an extreme to drive home the point that certain preferences must be changed, despite recognizing that other preferences are okay.

 

Your preferences are of course a product of your environment. YOu cannot know something unless you encounter it. Everything you encounter is in some form, from your environment.

 

I dont' care what a stranger decides to date, but because of my fundamental desires to know what is right and wrong, I have a desire to let others know what I have discovered, and to continue to seek what I havne't discovered...

 

I get what you're saying about examining preferences. But then again, you can't use an extreme example to explain the average. The average person is not into paedophelia. So what preferences raised in this thread do you take exception to?

 

You mentioned your preferences are a product of your environment while growing up, I was alluding to the "while growing up" part. I know that of course your preferences are in part due to your environment. At which stage of life varies, it's not only while growing up they are formed.

 

If it is part of your fundamental desire to know what it right and wrong, can you also judge others by those standards? What is right and wrong depends on the person's morals and ethics, thereforeeee, you cannot hold others to the same standards to which you hold yourself.

[mae_may04]

About the virginity issue. I am a virgin and will be until I'm married. My boyfriend isn't a virgin. It bothered me at first, but I have a friend who told me one day, "If God can forgive him, why can't you?" If you have decided to remain a virgin until you're married because of religion, use that.

 

If for some other reason, I think you should realize that a true relationship, one that is built on trust and understanding, will have forgiveness for the past. It happened before she knew you at all, how can you hold it against her now?

 

I understand that there are religions reasons behind some people's thoughts. I have them, too, my entire life is built on my religion. I won't go into them, but I'd be glad to PM them with you.

[Caterina]

I tend to be the queen of tangents...

 

But, I guess that you're right when it comes to preferences. There are some average preferences our there that I am sure are wrong, but I don't really see any in this thread that I am willing to make any points for. There is nothing wrong with having a preference for virginity. I was more against calling other people "disgusting" when someone who is not a virgin does't really deserve to be thought of that way...I think that its okay, as he said, to dislike the action, and not the person if that can be pulled off...

 

As far as right and wrong are concerned...those are larger issues that I don't want to get into. But I believe that there is an absolute right and wrong standard that everyone should live by. Its not my place to punish others, but I do believe it is my place to tell them if I think that they are wrong...

[epilogue]

k, I know half of the posters here have the full understanding of the situation, while the rest don't. so to make this clear to prevent repetitive replies:

 

Wanting the girl being a virgin - we all fully understand that desire

However, what you guys don't know (or even bother to question), is what it's FOR

 

Most people who end up changing their minds, wanted the girl to be a virgin because they want that in a girl FOR long term relationship or marriage

While the others simply wanted to 'score'.

 

I don't know what the hell puddle wants. I think he's looking for the perfect mutant.

 

I, on the other hand, have been abstaining for the intention of saving it for the other one who also saved it. This is what I've been planning and imagining for the past 11 years. This isn't about another love. This isn't about scoring. This isn't about going all the way to marriage. This isn't about a fling. This about sharing an experience with a mutual friend/virgin-buddy.

 

There are so many things I've missed out since high school. I regret not joining the journalism group, the basketball team, not going to prom, not going to a prestigious school, etc. It's bad enough to have to live with giving up all that. But to ask someone to give up something they've innocently planned and wanted for 11 years is just plain cruel.

 

No matter what you tell me, I doubt I'd change. Because I've heard it all:

 

"you won't get it unless you're a virgin yourself"

= DUH

"it's impossible in this age. it's 2000, and you're not 16 anymore"

= ...yeah

"a girl's worth isn't determined by virginity"

= DUH; and this isn't about worth, k?

forgot most of the quotes; i'll add as some of you repeat some of it

 

 

I've turned down 3 opportunities in high school and I turned them all down. 8 months ago, I've found it extremely hard to find a girl in my shoes. At that moment I was too shocked to continue my work. My plan and dreams of sharing one of my significant & special moments in life with someone who I want to share or someone who deserves it has gone down the drain.

 

I've already given up losing it to the "right one" and went down another notch. Right now I can only hope that there is another inexperienced girl who has the same thoughts of virginity and the same status.