I know he cheated!

[angelkisses76]

Ok here we go. I am new here and nervous. I have known of an affair that my husband was having with a now mutal friend. I found out after the fact by reading his email from an email account he didnt know that i knew he had. It was very clear that he had feeling for the girl (which was his hairdresser)and she for him as well. None of the emails indicated that there was a physical affair but they wanted to be together. My husband of a year and a half had been going through what he says was depression about 7 months ago. The depression lastest about a good 2 months and drove me crazy. When I think back now all signs pointed to an affair going on. Distancing himself from the family, lack of interest in family activities, no sex, late nights at the office ect... I think out of quilt and an end to the affair led my husband to come clean with having a "friend" and wanted me to meet her. Not knowing of the affair I agreed to meet her and we became friends. Here is the kicker...this girl is a bi-sexual that had a girlfiend when I met her. So when I met her I didnt even think that she would be interested in my husband.

Long story short..after becoming friends with her and her girlfirend I find these emails.... clearly the relationship is over between them since I has my old loving husband back and the late nights at the office have stopped, we have great sex and the family is one again. Now..I have yet to confront him and am afraid to. Is it possible this was a fantasy thing for him and then he came back to reality?? I cant stop thinking about this and find myself still questioning everything he says and does!!

 

Please help

[notmyself24]

I have never been married, but have been in a longterm relationship for 4 years- thats over now...

 

I can only imagine that marriage is such hard work & maybe your husband had been having fantsies about this woman b/c she is bisexual (men have woman with woman sexual fantasies). Maybe is was a game or an "emotional" affair (which is still cheating imo). There are so many reasons- you said you became friends...what was "she" like? Exotic, kinky, fun loving- was she like you or your oppsite. How old was she- younger or older- come to think of it, there are so many factors.

 

Affairs are wrong- plain & simple. But human nature (esp. men & their sexual fantasies) is curious. Obviously, their "thing" was so deep or meaningful. Now you have your old husband back,as you say.

 

Unlesss it is totally eating you up inside, i would not confront him- just yet. I learned it is best to lay low- keep watching that account for awhile. I am not saying suffer in silence, however, the truth will come to you in its own sweet time & the trusth shall set you free!

 

I don't know your husband, however, men are not as emotional as women in general. If you choose to confront him, he will most likely lie & put on a good poker face & you will never know the truth & he may trn around & accuse you of snooping & now has the upper hand. Life is not a game, but relationships have to be played like one sometimes- the ball is in your court. Its up to you to decide what tp do about this information. Good luck

[angelkisses76]

Thank you so very much for your insight...you seem very wise. You have actually made me feel so much better. This is the first time I have released all the details.

As far as the character of this girl she is exoctic for sure, dark and almost hard. Since she is bi-sexual everything is sexual with her. Just the opposite of myself. I have a big heart...do anything for anyone personality, love my life feeling and I always think that if it's broken it can be fixed.

[Bethany]

'Now mutual friend'???? Are you crazy? You need to kick that 'woman' right into touch. While she stays around it's like you find it acceptable. Get some self respect. She's been messing with your man for pity's sake so Dump her!

Show her that NO ONE comes between you and your man anymore, who the hell does she think she is, befriending the wife of a man she is secretly seeing behind her back. Thats sick and wrong.

But I do believe that your husband has told you what he has done for the reasons you said and is trying his best to repair the marriage he knows he has hurt by his actions. I think without this woman still in the picture, you still could have a future together. Good Luck.

[Meow18]

How do you know your husband isn't still cheating? You don't. That 2 months of depression makes it seem like what was going on with them really was physical. The signs are all there. If you choose to ignore it, then you are just going to allow it to happen again. And what will stop him from doing it again? He thought he was smart by going behind your back and doing this, but you found out. Are you really going to let him get away with it?

 

Don't let him get away with this, that is what he wants. He thinks you will never find out so he doesn't need to tell you. He might also think that you will never find out if he cheats on you again. Or maybe he still is. What ever happened to being honest and open?

 

How can you trust him?

[Meow18]

'Now mutual friend'???? Are you crazy? You need to kick that 'woman' right into touch. While she stays around it's like you find it acceptable. Get some self respect. She's been messing with your man for pity's sake so Dump her!

Show her that NO ONE comes between you and your man anymore, who the hell does she think she is, befriending the wife of a man she is secretly seeing behind her back. Thats sick and wrong.

But I do believe that your husband has told you what he has done and is trying his best to repair the marriage he knows he has hurt by his actions. I think without this woman still in the picture, you still could have a future together. Good Luck.

 

It would be one thing if he told her, but he didn't tell her. She found out from the emails.

[RandomAdvisor]

I think you should confront him immediately. You checked up on an e-mail address of his he didn't think you knew about. This to me shows you weren't completely trusting of him even before finding out. Not confronting him and continuing to check that e-mail address wouldn't be healthy. The mistrust would continue, and frankly you would lose your moral high ground by snooping on him continually.

 

I think you should confront him, demand he go to NC with this hairdresser, and perhaps you two should think about marrige counseling as well.

[Bethany]

Sorry I did mess up and left the 'for the reasons you said' out which I have now added.

I do think its over from his actions. I think he felt guilty and woke up to what was happpening and saw it for what it was, and he would have told her eventually because this 'woman' was playing games with his wife and wanted to put a stop to it. And by coming clean and ending it he wants her forgiveness and it's up to her if she wants to give it her best shot in trusting him for them to rebuild their life again....... but that 'woman' has to go!

[DN]

I too think you should talk to him - I don't say confront because that implies angry conflict and that probably won't serve you at this point.

 

Before you do talk to him you should do some thinking - hard thinking - about what you want. Do you want to save your marriage or does the fact of his cheating really end it sooner or later?

 

Once you know what you want you can proceed accordingly. Assuming you want to save the marriage, tell him that you know what happened. Don't ask him if it happened - you already know. So don't trap him into denying it - again, that won't serve you.

 

Having stated that you know, ask him if he wants to save the marriage. If he says he does, then tell him that he has to go no contact with his hairdresser after telling her that whatever relationship they had is done with.

 

Then you must address the issues that caused him to cheat. He should accept responsibility for cheating, explain why he did, and how he can reassure you that he loves you and will not cheat again.

 

But you also should accept any responsibility that you have for the relationship going bad. He should not have cheated but if he cheated because of something that was lacking in the marriage that you should have reasonably provided, then you need to look at that issue and deal with it.

 

Both of you should spend a lot of time talking to each other - but, as important, you should also spend a lot of time listening to each other. There should be a mutual desire to save the marriage and to fix any and all problems that put it in jeopardy.

[notmyself24]

Angelkiss,

 

I just want to recant- I'm sorry to imply "snooping" on him- if he found out then, he could turn around (like I said) & accuse you of being untrusting & that could lead to more problems with out much of a resolution. Love & trust are needed to make a relationship work, if one is lacking, you should work at it b/c I'm sure you both love one another. If you are missing both- well, it's up to you to 2 decide together.

 

Men just think differently than us, this is a fact. There is a great website called psychology today that has great professional insight on the dynamics of relationships & healthy foundations for marriage, etc...

 

If you choose to confront him- be calm & prepare for anything. It's easier said than done, I guess facing reality is hard especiall for kind-hearted people who are loyal. If he is still contacting her on a regualar basis, I say have a serious talk with him- I'm just not sure you should say anything until you know the whole story.

 

Like someone said- people have affairs b/c there is something lacking in the relationship- I guess only you know what it is...hope evrything works out for you!

[angelkisses76]

notmyself24,

 

I dont know why I fear talking to him. I know what was lacking and I feel it's lacking no more. My husband loves crazy sex and I feel responsible that even though I knew this I let this slide. I love my husband more than I thought I could ever love another person and I love physically being with him. He is still in contact with her but he does it openly and tells me everytime he does speak to her. I know what they had is over, it is clear as day however I'm left now with the feeling that I have to please him in every way or this may happen again. I need to talk to him, I just need to do it at the right time and I have no idea when that would be.