no one can see that im not happy

[HoldMeTightly]

i cut myself to get rid of my internal pain. but recently ive been punching things until my knuckels are swollen and i cant move my fingers.

today i couldnt go out with friends becuase i had to drive my little brother somewhere.

no one understands.

and no one tries to.

i freaking hate myself. i want to die. i want to cut even though its been ten days. ten freaking days. thats forever. my right hand is swollen so badly i can barely type. and all i want is to be with my friends. they make me happy.

however. they are out with themselves having a blast. as i sit here waiting to pick up my brother.

one group of friends from my old school are going to homecoming. they forgot to invite me and get me a ticket.

the other group well...im new to the school but i live in the same place (its a private school). and i know how things work. after a while of having to do random stuff after telling them that i can hang out with them they will realize i can never hang out.

im so angry. hate myself. i hate my parents. you guys have no idea. no clue.

you're gonna sit there and tell me that im selfish, a bi@tc* or whatever but i know that. im told it every day.

 

 

sorry. venting. whatever.

 

 

 

i thought this would help however. i still want to die.

[HoldMeTightly]

my insides are shaking. i was just in the bathroom crying so hard that i threw up. my hands are shaking and i cant think straight.

[winkie]

I cannot tell you how to feel. I am sure it is tough being young. I was young at one time to. Your life is not over because you can not hang out with your friends. It may feel like this now because you are young, but eventually your brother will be very important to you like my sisters are important to me. I hope that you can look past all the sorrow and find something good. Have you ever thought about seeing someone?? Do you cut and punch things for attention? Good Luck

I wish you the strength to get thru whatever your mind is holding over you.

[HoldMeTightly]

i love my brother. i just dont like making plans and then have to cancel them cuz my parents are too lazy to drive him to the movies.

 

ps. i dont cut or hit things for attention. no one knows. its to make me feel better

[cichlid]

Why are you upset? Friends in general suck...that's been my experiance. Sometimes there are a few you find that are always there for you and stuff...very hard to find! I remember feeling alone and would frequently cry myself to sleep. Pain is hard to deal with but when you look back on it it never seems so bad. I found a great way to get through life until it got better was to make goals and try to obtain them. Also to count down to events.

 

And on the homecoming...why didn't you get yourself a ticket? Did you show interest in going? Sometimes if I want to do something I will casually bring it up and ask about it, then slowly mention that I would like to go and if it possible they could do this for me (in your case pick up a ticket for you).

 

And don't hate your family! Ever! Please...you may hate them now, but most the time they love you very very much and only want what is best for you. Well, the parents that is. I find that now that I am older, my siblings don't seem so annoying and stuff. Friends come and go...your family will always be there. When you move out you will miss your family...trust me! (edit; okay you said you don't

 

The other week, my BF and I had planned to hang out. After we ate dinner, my mom called me right as we were going to watch a movie and I had to go home. Why? Because she was out of town. I am 20 but I still listen to my mother. I would have loved to hang out more with him, but it was no big deal. Not being able to hang out with people is not that big of a deal really. I mean I will have more chances to hang out with people. What is one day?

[winkie]

How is it making you feel better. Coming from my background in psychology and being a teacher, that is a sickness...and may get worse if you do not get help. If not from your parents, maybe at school. I know this sounds crappy but you are helping your brother.....maybe he can help you.

[cichlid]

Oh, and people notice you aren't happy...most people usually don't know how to correctly handle it.

[Süsser Tod]

Ah, Psichologysts - Psychiatrists, same thing, just sit there, grab your money and don't help at all.

 

 

HoldMeTightly, hold on, one day everything will go your way, try to think about it. Life is about hope and dreams

[winkie]

I have to say then you must have been to the wrong pyschologist and no they are not the same there is a big difference between them.

[anonymous_presence]

Hey, I'm sorry that everything seems to be screwed up at the moment. It's hard to deal with emotions and feelings that are so extreme and the concentrated forms of anger and sadness that you experience, not only as a teen but also as a self injurer (I don't know if it applies, but generally SI is accompanied by mood extremities).

 

One thing that you need to realize is that you're isolating yourself by saying things along the lines of "you guys have no clue what it's like for me." There's a fair chance that someone here can relate to what you're feeling, and by saying stuff like that, you're just making yourself feel more desperate and alone. It doesn't seem like a big thing, but it's significant: you view things as if everything is either possible or impossible, all or nothing, yes or no, black or white. It's just the way people who SI see things, and besides therapy, all I can recommend are breathing techniques, writing in a journal, constructive release of emotional build up (e.g. art, physical activity, etc.), and so on, but these only work in the short run.

 

The last thing I would call you is selfish. No one thinks that of you. You're dealing with strong feelings, but don't let the immensity of them overcome you. Always think about the sources of these emotions, and question whether or not they are justified. Reread what you've written when you're feeling calmer, and really try to point out this all-or-nothing perspective, and thing about alternative ways you can deal with your emotions. I really hope that you talk to someone about this who can help you, like a counsellor.

 

By the way, that's great that you haven't cut for 10 days!! Keep it up, but also keep the punching the a minimum. Punch a pillow (as ridiculous as it may seem it can help) or crush ice, and slowly deescalate the SI.

[winkie]

this message is for anonymous_presense...you are one of the most insightful 16 yr olds I have ever heard. Keep your mind open and you will be something great....although it seems like you already are.

[cichlid]

I read somewhere that a great alternative to cutting is having a rubber band around your hand. Then snapping it will give you pain but without all the issues. I think I read that somewhere...if not it's a great idea!

[HoldMeTightly]

thanks so much everyone!

first i have to say that i can hate my mom. she is psychotic, and almost all of my friends are afraid of her. i dont hate her though. just really dont like her. or my dad. they cause me so many problems.

my friends are amazing, we just go to different schools now so its hard.

music is my outlet because i have no other talents. i used to write. but i suck at it now.

 

 

ps. the rubber band thing and liking that pain started me on the cutting and made me realize that i like blood so now the rubber band thing doesnt work.