I need help. (long, sorry)

[Marcus Sientre]

link removed for reference but heres the quick version: My girlfriend is having issues, one of them being her dependence on other people. . .mainly me. So her therapis has decided that we need to separate so that she can get better. . .

 

 

 

Gaaah, I can't take this. Its killing me. Ok, so I knew he had to happen so that she could get better, and I supported her, and what needed to be done. But things have changed since what she first told was going to happen and I cant handle this

 

Originally it was going to be three months -tops- (well, relative tops, if for whatever reason she just still was ready it could be longer, but three months was the therapists original suggest that she thought basically "yea, maybe you wont be ready, but three months is the conservative estimate). My girlfriend had said that her therapist said that the time though, would be up to her. Her therapist just though some time was needed, weather is was a week, and month, or the three months, we just needed to take some time.

 

Well, now it "whenever I get done in therapy, it would be three weeks or it could be two years". Ok, that through me for a loop. But it doesnt change the fact that it needs to be done so that she can get better. It'll be harder, but whatever, has to be done. . .

 

And while she's telling me this, she also tries to make me promise that I'll date other people. What the heck!!! I'm trying to do everything in my power to make her feel better about all this, but that was the one thing. .. the one thing she's asked of me that I couldnt do. I told her to ask me in a few weeks. Arrggg

 

But what I cant deal with is whats happening now. It really is killing me its been two days. . .TWO days, and already she seems to be in this crap "friend mode". It was really hard at first, because it was starting to make me doubt the way she had felt about me at all! But I really dont think thats it, and I know all this is hard on her too. But I couldnt figure out why she was handling this so much better than me. I mean, she's not a terribly weak person, but neither am I. This is a big deal! Its all the small stuff thats getting to me. . .

 

I finally figured out how she's did it. I had an idea, and despite all this she isnt too shy about my questions, so I just asked her (and yea, not too shy, and didnt care about answering at all) how long ago it was that her therapist suggested we separate. Turns out, since her and her therapist have a history (she went to her in her teens) she figured out right away that one of her problems was the control issues she had back then, that she recommended that we separate after her first visit.

 

She has had a month and a half to get ready for this. A month and half to get it straight in her head about how things were going to change. A month and half to cuddle on my couch and watch a tv, to go to the movies as a couple for the last time, to hang out at our cars after work with my arm around while we talked and joked around. You get the point. For the last month and a half, she's been doing all this last time stuff. And I never knew!

 

I just. . . At first it seemed like she was just trying to hurt me, but it seems different now. I'm dying here because everything for me is changing ALL AT ONCE, I cant handle this. She gets to call the shots on how we do this, and she's not going slow at all. Its all happening at the same time. . .for me. . .she's been getting ready for us to stop dating and become friends for 6 weeks, the final offical decision was almost a closure for her. Her dejecting me to friend status all at once is really hard to deal with, but for her, its not all at once at all. I know that she's not doing what shes doing to hurt me, and I mean the "normal" stuff that she does, or rather doesnt do now, that is hurting me.

[Marcus Sientre]

Some people get scared off by long posts, so I decided to end it there.

 

 

 

 

By stuff. . .here's an example.

 

I dont want to give you the wrong impression, when we were dating, I wasnt ever really the kinda person to. . .keep tabs on her, because I know I hate it when people do it to me. But. . .well, here's what happened.

 

Yesterday, I we talk on and off on yahoo IM, and after awhile she tells me she's going to go out for a bit to exercise. I say ok, have fun. and she assumingly walks away. A few hours go by. . .and a few more hours go by. .. and eventually 7 hours go by. . .(I had the day off from work, so I was just hanging out anyway), its 1:30 in the morning, and there hasnt been a peep out of her since. Now, a friend might just say "meh, I guess she found something else to do", but what can I say, I worry about her still, just like I did when we were dating, because as of this time just last week, we were. So it's 1:30 am, obviously its dark out, and I havent heard from her yet, so I send her a message on yahoo, wait about 10 minutes, and go ahead and send her a text message on her phone. Her reply?

 

"sshh, I'm sleeping"

 

Ok, so as much as it. . .bothered me, I held it all in and just said to myself "She needs her sleep, so I'm not going to even deal with it". And I didnt. To her, this may have seemed like a great thing to do, we are just friends after all, what does it matter. But for me, whatever we call our relationship, my feelings havent changed one bit in the whole TWO DAYS we've been officially separated. But like I said, she's had a month and half to work on this, so it was nothing to her. Whats the big deal. . .just friends. . .just friends. . .

 

Like I said, I know shes not doing it to hurt me, and it did. . .getting this rush job out the door of our relationship is in fact really really really hurting me, but she's not doing it on purpose, it just isnt a rush job for HER. And that was just day one. . . I've got 3 weeks to two years to look forward too.

[Marcus Sientre]

*sigh* She's just not being fair about all of this. I know that right now she is the one with the problems and that she needs to come first, but she is really putting me through hell with all of this. And like I said in my other thread, her therapist says that we HAVE to stay good friends through this. So I get to be constantly reminded of how we arent dating anymore, because I have to be around, not doing all the same stuff we used to (holding hands, hugging, kising, being mushy with eachother (I know I'm a guy and I'm not supposed to like that. . .and if anyone asked, I dont. . .but I really did-and-do love her, so it just felt good).

 

And thats the phrase that just keeps going through my head. . .the phrase that we're supposed to grow out of in this 1st grade. . . its just not fair.

 

I dont know what to do. Does anyone have any advice?

 

What do I really want to do? I want to explain, a little bit, of this to her. I want us to take this a little more slowly. I havent had as much time as she has to get ready for this!!! And I dont have a therapist helping me deal with the feelings either.

 

But I dont think I can. She apparently cant get better until she's out of our relationship, so thats happening. . . very quickly. . .for me. And I cant risk holding her back, or slowing down her progress. So I continue to give her my happy face, trying not to cry when I'm around her, just making jokes and trying to laugh, because its all about her right now.

[Minty80]

her therapist says that we HAVE to stay good friends through this.

 

That right there, oh no no no! I don't think so! I understand her need to get herself straightened out and all that but that doesn't give her the right to screw up your life at the same time, sorry just doesn't work that way.

 

Seriously, just the thought is getting me riled up because you know what, it IS unfair to you and it does not have to be that way.

 

My advice, give her the space she needs, tell her that you'll be there when she's able to start working on a relationship, but that until then for YOUR mental health you need to cut contact.

 

It is completely unfair and unrealistic to expect you to continue hanging around as a friend. You don't have to and you shouldn't, you should not sacrifice yourself in HER pursuit to get better. It's time to be a little selfish and do what you have to to keep yourself sane.

 

Break contact until she's in a better place mentally.

[DN]

Are you sure her therapist is saying this stuff or is she using the therapist as a cover for what she really wants to do herself but hasn't got the courage to tell you directly? The situation seems remarkably self-serving and only in her interests.

 

In any event, neither of them are thinking this thing through clearly. There are two people in a relationship and your interests are as important as hers. Just because she is the one with the 'problem' does not give them the right to make you be the one to suffer. Nor do they have the right to demand that you go along with it as part of the prescription for her healing, especially if it causes injury to you. To demand that is unethical on the part of the therapist (which makes me doubt the story) and selfish on the part of your g.f.

 

I think you should decide to do what is best for you. You could go along for a while but give her a set time limit to make up her mind.

 

Or, and this is my strong recommendation, you could tell her that you are going strict no contact, that if she wants to get the relationship back on track to give you a call, but otherwise you are going to move on with your life. You have a right to seek happiness and happiness is never found in the sort of limbo she is putting you through - no matter how long or short the stay.

[Marcus Sientre]

So yea, thanks for all the advice. I really appreciate it. But it looks like my girlfriend solved my problem for me.