Help!!!! My girlfriend is having trouble with getting close

[austingunner]

Hi everyone,

 

I have been dating a wonderful woman for 4 months. We have gotten pretty close over the summer. Since the beginning, she has "freaked out" for about a week almost every month. She has had a couple of broken relationships before me. Three weeks ago we got the closest we have ever gotten and (having been in an unhappy marriage and having healed from it) I really feel we connect on many levels and the intimacy/sex has been the best we have both said we've ever had. For the past two weeks, she has totally shut down and we are not seeing one another while she sorts things out. She has told me that although she needs to work this out, she knows she would regret it if she were to loose me because of this. She says that I am so open and in touch with my feelings, and that because of that she feels like she "gets stuck". She will act out when she gets like this and be overly critical of me and say mean things she doesn't mean. A week ago today she told me that maybe we should go back a few steps and explore the friendship and see if we were meant to be. Then last Monday, she sent me this email:

 

I think I've come to the realization that the whole friend thing that I was pushing was really me trying to avoid confronting the overwhelming fear I feel when I think about us or my feelings for you. I hate this whole drama thing. I want to deal with it but I think I'm just realizing the problem is me and that I have to let go and do something to change my mind frame. But it is hard. I guess the first step is the hardest and I never really realized that I had these intense issues because they never really came up before.

Is there a way that can we hang out and me not hurt you?I'm just through with this drama. I want to get rid of it. I've built a wall around my heart for so many years without realizing it. You asked me the other night about my feelings for you and hopes for the future and where I thought you'd fit in this scheme. At this moment, I can't really see beyond the wall of my own heart.

I just hope you don't take this personally because it really has little to do with you.

 

I became really upset and told her "no" that we just couldn't "hang out", because from what she was saying in the email I thought that she was breaking up. She called me Tuesday morning to tell me that that wasn't what she wanted at all, that she was getting some books to find a solution. We have hardly spoken in a week and I have been trying to be patient (outwardly, I have always been very patient with her moods) but I have a lot of anxiety about it. I really love this woman a lot and am willing to give her a lot of time to work it out. Her lack of communication this week is killing me. Am I just being insecure at this point? We have always been very open with one another and honest and she told me when she called me at 5AM that if she wanted to "break up" that she would tell me outright. But she is hardly talking to me and it's very impersonal when she does. What do you think?????

[heloladies21]

Back way the freak off. It will give the situation a chance to cool down. Stop calling her, let her figure things out on her own. Start talking to other girls, just casual conversation. Let her persue you back because she's the one who asked for time.

[apollocreed71]

I just broke up with my gf of about 2 months. She has had bad relationships, and has this idea that she wants to be so independent, and she has a problem of showing affection. The fact of the matter is women do not think like men. It is hard for them to see something good, as they are used to the bad guy image. They assume you are the same. Even if you have never done anything the other guy did that hurt them. She is not ready for anything serious. I always see people leave good relationships, over small disagreements, and they are suppose to be in love, yet they will stay at a job, that causes them all kinds of problems. They will not look for a different job, etc....yet, they seem to believe they can find a better relationship. You should be up front with her and tell her your feelings, and that you cannot deal with her actions. If this keeps going on for a period of time, you just may miss the perfect person for you. It hurt for me to end my relationship, and she is pregnant. but you cannot control her.

If you love somebody set them free.

[austingunner]

NO I haven't called her at all in the past week. The last person to do any calling at all was me. I waited two days to respond to the last email she sent me, which was to tell me that she had gotten her books and was reading them, but hadn't really come up with anything yet. I just answered her simply that I had faith in her that she would figure it out and that she shouldn't worry about me "going anywhere" anytime soon. I've put a really good face on things from my end. It's not that she always has trouble showing her emotions, it's that she starts to become afraid at certain points...she has told me she's never had a boyfriend who she had the feelings for like she has with me.

 

I think it would be really disrepectful and dishonest to start talking to other women or even consider that at this point.

[DN]

I agree back off and preferably go no contact. It is all very well for her to say she has to sort things out but where does that leave you? At the moment all she is concerned about is her well-being and you come a distant second - if she is really considering you at all. I realise she had had a hard time in the past but that is no reason to make your life a misery.

 

Now, you must concentrate on what is best for you - since she will not.

 

Go no contact, if she messages you tell her that you want a serious relationship or nothing. If she realises she wants that as well, then to let you know and if you are still willing and available you will decide what to do then.

 

Assume the relationship is over and proceed accordingly.

 

This may seem tough - but it is absolutely the best way to proceed and keep your heart intact.

[mooregirl7]

Honey I know you think a lot of things about the girl, she is wonderful most of the time, she will open up later, yada yada the truth is she is not interested, if a woman is truly interested she makes time for you. She doesn't want to get serious and she is probably dating other people. move on, I promise the woman of your dreams comes around once a week, you don't have to settle for a spaz

[austingunner]

Well DN, maybe I will go with that advice in another week or two...it's only been a short while. I think she deserves a little patience.

[DN]

Your choice - but what do you deserve? To be treated like this?

 

Good relationships are built on both people caring about each other's well-being and trying not to cause hurt. I see little evidence of that on her part. She is so wrapped up in what she is feeling that she is not considering how you feel. That does not seem to me a good way to either end or begin a relationship. Especially begin.

[austingunner]

DM, your point is well taken....but I have given her the OK to work on this for the time being. I did basically end things and then she called me at 5AM to tell me that that was not what she wanted. I do see your point and I am taking the steps not to be totally hurt, disappointed yes, but not devastated. I just don't think that morally it would be right to just start looking around for something else at this point.

[acuraman]

I would give her time and let her sort things out. Follow the advice of others on this forum regarding NC with her. Let her call you if she wants to work things out with you. She already knows you care for her and you want to be with her, so the ball is on her court now.

[DecemberGal]

I agree with what the others have said. Back away and give her the space she needs. I think her silence right now is an indication that she is trying the process and evaluate things between the two of you. Once she has had time to do this, she will contact you. I know on your part it is hard not having any contact with her and it is easy for panic to set in because you are uncertain of what is going through her mind.

 

Hopefully during her silence she is thinking about how tolerant you have been with her to put up with her consistant pulling away from you. I think you did the right thing by telling her you were not just willing to hang out with her. At least she knows where you stand in that regard.

 

If she is truly interested in being with you, she'll come around shortly.