I am trouble gentleman

[jodders]

Hello all, I have been looking for a place to spill my story and i m glad i found this place. I am student university and i met my girlfriend who actually lives next door to me in my halls. We had a lot of fun together and i loved spending every minute with her. I realised i was falling in love with her,when she gave me a surprised b-day only 1 week after i met her. I was very touched as no girl has done this for me.

 

It all started a week before her birthday when she told me the truth about herself. She said i was her first boyfriend and she loved me very much. Before me,she went to an all girls school which she a very close relationship with this girl. This girl is coming up to celebrate for her birthday and also its gonna be there 1 year thing at the time. I was so sad. I didnt know how to take it. I dont know what worse. To lose out to a bloke? or a girl?

 

I really loved my girl so much.She made me so happy and even now when i writing,i still think about her. As i loved her,i went back to my own home so i dont hurt myself when i see them. That weekend,my girl told me dat she told this girl she wanted to break up with her and be with me. I thought i could give my girl another chance.Make things work. I decided that we keep on going.

 

Things were going on ok,till around june time. Last month. This girl contacts my girl like once a week on the phone and txts everynite before they go to bed. I try to turn a blind eye. I try to be calm and tell myself they are still friends, that alls.

 

Temptation gave in to me and i decided to listen to a phone call outside the room. EVERYNITE,i hear da conversaton in my head. I cant sleep sometimes coz i remember what she said. All the flirting was going on and at eh end of phone call she said she i love you at I was depressed. I was not surprised. I always expected it to happen. I confronted her.She told me she loved two different ppl. I spend all my time with her when im at university with her. We acted like a married couple. When she returns back to her home town, she is closer to that girl.

 

I dont know what to do with myself. I love her very much. We text message each other every day. I dont know what i want. I am her only friend at university. We have a house next to each other in September when i move back.

 

What should i do ? Every since i been with her, i have nothing against lesbians,but i notice more and more of it around.

 

I could do with some advice

[dfcannon]

I know some guys who would say you're very lucky...lol You're right that this has been a trend. I remember hearing stories of girls getting together in the 90s, which is when this became fashionable, and now there are a number of women who think it's perfectly okay and natural to be bi. You're falling for one of them.

 

...but you're justified in feeling upset that she's fooling around, even if it's with a woman. It's really not a matter of changing her bahavior, imo, because I can practically guarantee that she won't, or if she leaves this girl, expect another one down the road. It's a matter of what you really want, and how comfortable you are with this kind of arrangement. You can:

 

1) Break up, because it's too painful to be a third wheel, when she's with the girl.

2) Accept it, because you have more to gain than lose.

3) Embrace it, tell her you want in. That means a love triangle of sorts.

 

I will not try to steer you in any one direction. It's a question of what you want and what values you have. When I was in college in the 80s, this kind of thing was almost unheard of...she likely would not have revealed her bisexuality to her bf.

 

Good luck!

[segagirl]

Ok the reality here is that this has nothing to do with the fact the other person is a woman. Even though that hurts, it would hurt just as much if she was carrying on with another guy.

I also assure you there would be no three-way. lol. We are not talking just sex between them, we are talking long term feelings...very different.

So my advice is the same in any situation in which someone is the go between guy. Tell her its you or her. You cannot stand for dating someone who is carrying on with someone else. peroid. You deserve someone that is faithful.

If she insists they are just friends, then let her know that any ex's in her life still need to take a back seat in order for your love to flurish for one another. Set boundries. and take no less than the best.

[eblue]

I am so sorry to hear this story. That sounds absolutely horrible. I think thie advice given to you already is some pretty decent advice. Minus the love triangle sex part. That is sooooo not gonna happen in the real world. Plus I figure if you are in love as much as you claim, you wouldn't want to do that in the first place. Second off, as good as the advice given is....its going to be very difficult for you to decide what to do.

 

"1) Break up, because it's too painful to be a third wheel, when she's with the girl."

This is the same as the other advice given. Tell her its either you or the girl. Problem with this, what if she picks the girl and leaves you. Well you have to think of it as..why be with someone who isn't as much into this relationship as you are. Why be withsomeone who can't give themselves completely, but you give them your all. Its not fair. Okay, so this is my suggestion if you take this root. Don't be so harsh about telling her its you or the girl. Do something seriously sweet. Set her down and tell her everything you feel about her. Be completely honest and when your done say, I have given you my all. I have given you my heart completely, why can't you do the same? Tell her that what if you were dating this other girl on the side, ask her how she would feel. Isn't that cheating in a way? Tell her that it hurts you so much to see her doing this and it is tearing you apart. Tell her if she really truly loves you and cares about you, that she would only date you and have this girl as a friend only. That you hoped what you guys have was so much deeper and if it isn't that she needs to tell you, so you can try and move on without her in your life instead of feeling this pain day after day having only part of her.

 

Okay now that option one is done, you have option two.

 

"2) Accept it, because you have more to gain than lose."

I dont know what you have more to gain. I think if we really look at your situation, you dont have anything to gain. Only someone to lose. As much as I think you should select option one, it would be really hard to do and hard to accept the negatives to doing it. However again, would you want to be with someone who isn't giving you all of them when they are taking all of you? Either way I think you need to seriously talk to her.

 

No matter what option you choose to do your going to have to talk. It isn't fair to have her lose her friend and person who she does love. This girl sounds like she was a big part of her life before and she isn't ready to give her up yet, but you sound like a wonderful part of her life too. If she picks you over the girl, have a talk with her about how she can be friends with the girl still. That you can love a friend, but you want her to be with you completely. I could dwell on this more, but I think I am writing too much as is.

 

Anywho, I think you need to ask her about this other girl and how she feels about both of you. When you love two people, its still different. The reasons are different, the feeling is different, and the people are different. Ask her why she thinks she is in love with the girl and why for you. Why she likes spending time with you and why with the girl. Try and get her to see the differences in you guys. Seems like she is blending you both together. When you separate the two, you start to see flaws and positives to each person. You then start to weigh who has more and vice versa. You then begin to see who is better for you and who you love more. We want her to take a good look at this before you do any of the options. Use her answers to help you choose what to do. Option one or option two. I seriously wish you good luck with this. PM me if you need further advice, to tell me how it went, or just to talk. I am willing to do anything to help

[dfcannon]

You're getting some good advice here. I want to clarify my #2 and #3 for you:

 

#2 - Accept it if YOU think you have more to gain than to lose and at least for now are willing to live with this. I'm not making that judgement...I have no idea.

 

#3 - Love triangle - Well, that's way out there on the liberal edge, I know. I'm certainly not advocating it, just saying these things have existed before and it's a possibility. I disagree that it will never happen in the real world. Inherent in these is the reality that there's always a 3rd wheel...it's never an even 1/3, 1/3, 1/3 kinda thing, not that I'm an expert. The 3rd wheel could even change over time or cicumstances, I suspect. I mean, I would never even bring this up, except that it's exactly the kind of situation you're in, minus the relationship between you and the other girl. Your girlfriend is driving this.

 

It's awkward. The only opinion I have is that your g/f wants to have it all and is a little selfish.

[jodders]

thank you all so much for your help. I m still thinking about what to do. Its so mind boggling and its like been dragged naked accross hard rusty nails. My head is so full.

 

I know i need to move on. I have got any strength left.

 

Im trying to think of how i can make this work. If i move to a different country with this girl, maybe my solution is solved.What if i assasinate this other girl? Dont worry,i wont do anything like that. I just want to move on. I dont want to worry about all this the whole summer.

 

Can i make this work?

[dfcannon]

Assassination sounds awfully expensive, anyway. lol Well, your comments are all over the map, literally. So, maybe just tell your g/f the truth, that you need time to sort this out over the summer, and you may not come back at all. From my point of view, you are on the front lines in a cultural change and you're having to invent your own rules. That's part of the challenge and agony. I mean, right now gay people are pushing closer towards marriage. So her relationship with the other girl now is very open and acceptable to her. That was unthinkable a few years ago. Will there ever be 3-person marriages!?

 

You did not open this can of worms. Your g/f did. I think it's a very interesting situation. I do tend to think that your girlfriend has the power and is selfish unless she either a) gives up one of her lovers or b) goes from having essentially 100% of the power to 33%. Therein lies the rub, and the main reason why I don't think these things would work very often. Her motivations appear quite selfish, and I agree that you should be skeptical. I don't want to show my generational bias and propose a solution, though, because I think you need to work out what's right and acceptable. Good luck!

[jodders]

thanks mate for your opinion. i am really scared of the fact that gayness is coming out. I cant help noticing now all these lesbian things on tv which would not normally be shown. (By the way,i have nothing against lesbians. But I cant stop being a bit spiteful) I know for a fact,i will pull the plug if a 3 way marriage occurs. I do want to tell her how i feel. She is my best friend though.

 

I wish i could turn back time!

 

thanks anyway for your advice