Confessions and truths of why love is complicated

[Confessoress]

[had to delete because someone in real life found me out eek]

[volution]

Well, it sounds like you've found a perfectly shallow person to match your shallow self... Good luck...

[coolchick]

Im sorry...but i dont really understand what your saying? Your pointing out your current boyfriends faults, and wont tell him he looks good because that means he's "one up on you"? I cant say for certain if it is love like your asking as there's more to love than just looks and physical attraction to another person. You sound very insecure in the way that you have always chosen men "below" you so that you know they wont leave you. Now that you have someone who is at the same level as you say, you dont want to tell him because it means he might realise it and leave you. This is not healthy whatsoever! How can you possibly have a happy relationship when you wont compliment or say nice things to your boyfriend in the fear that he realises he's a nice guy and can get a nice girl? You were right before, he probably does already know he's good looking and a nice lad, but he has still chosen you anyways. Just enjoy what you have together, give him your love and attention and pay him some compliments just as a woman would like to have some from her boyfriend. You cant keep living just now and wondering if he'll leave it the future, that way you'll never have a happy relationship or get over your insecurites. Good luck!

[Confessoress]

I'm totally pointing out I'm shallow and insecure, that IS my point. And it is totally wrong.

 

I was bashed down by all of my boyfriend's in the past and now I'm just scared.

[coolchick]

And im sorry to say, but i agree with volution...you do seem quite shallow 0X No one is "below" another person....

[darkblue]

Great debating material:

 

Are all people born equal?

 

I think you've been hurt by past experience and are now trying to account for that by thinking you're not 'good enough' for your boyfriend.

 

If he didn't want to be with you; he wouldn't be.

But, I'm afraid your problems are deeper than that.

[Confessoress]

I know that. I was being honest, I knew it was wrong. And yes, I am insecure.

 

What you don't know is I loved my ex's for who they were inside. I never put them down... and to prove how wrong I was about the looks, notice I put wrongly in brackets... they walked all over me.

[DN]

I'm totally pointing out I'm shallow and insecure, that IS my point. And it is totally wrong.

 

I was bashed down by all of my boyfriend's in the past and now I'm just scared.

 

If you realise it - then change it. The solution to your issues in in your own mind and strength of will.

[coolchick]

Thats the first sign....knowing that you are doing it and admitting that it is wrong to think about other people that way...have you ever analysed your previous experiences with either family or friends and find out why you think your boyfriends will leave you if they realise that they are good looking or potentially in your words "equal" to you? There is definatley something underlying that you have to think about deeply to find out why your insecure?

[Confessoress]

Your both right. I'm seeing a therapist.

 

The truth is with my ex's I let them treat me badly... I would always get asked why I was with them because they weren't what you'd call stereotypically 'good looking' and I'd say because I loved them...

 

Problem is I let them treat me badly because I was insecure, hense forth I'm now a tad bitter.

[darkblue]

'A tad bitter' - understatement.

 

I'm glad you're getting help with it. Do you feel that therapy helps?

[suprema99]

Ask yourself who's fault is it? You admit your shallow. Misery loves company, your attracted to a shallow guy also currently. Becareful with this guy then that you like. Volutiion said it best.

[coolchick]

Whats the therapist saying? Its obviously nothing to do with the past boyfriends and the way they were treating you, because you say you picked these men because you were insecure. Have you found out any possible reasons in your therapy that have helped you find out this? Thats where your problem lies..it could have been anything to do with childhood experiences....things to look deeply at and find out if your reacting to things in a way because of a fear of something that might happen to you that perhaps happened to someone close to you. As soon as you start from the source, thats when you can start to rebuild your relationships with people and stop living in fear

[Confessoress]

Hmm in all honesty at the time with my ex's... No I totally admit I wasn't attracted to them physically but at the time I didn't think they were beneath me, fact is they treated me so crappy that I now am bitter and say that to make myself feel better... heh. And it's what I've been told to do by family to get over it...

 

I'm not shallow, otherwise I wouldn't of loved them in the first place. I'm just bitter. And I know it and admit it.

 

Am I openly shallow in 'real life'? Hell no. I just thought I'd be honest here.

 

And is my boyfriend shallow? Openly in real life, yes, yes he is. And frankly I think he's got as many issues as I have.

[Confessoress]

Yes, we have been going over it...

 

I can say now honestly a large factor is because my Mum died when I was 15. THAT is NOT an excuse, but it is a large reason why I crave love... and get it from the wrong people. I'm scared of losing people. I worried I'm sufficate my current boyfriend and I have been trying so hard to control myself.

 

And I feel hurt that people here are now going to see me as shallow. But I guess I'll deal with that.

[annie24]

I don't think that you're shallow. You said that you didn't like the way he was in bed, he had bad hygeine, and he was mean towards you. I think that's more than enough reason to break up with a guy. Now you're with a new guy that you feel more compatible with.

 

Like the others said, if he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't be. Clearly he sees something in you. Just enjoy things with him. Good luck

[coolchick]

Dont be hurt by people on here, we are here to all be honest and upfront with each other, wether that be good or bad...we all joined here to talk to each other and get the advice that we ask for. Your post passes you as being shallow simply because of the descriptions you made of your boyfriends as "below" you. That is where the title shallow would have been thought of, not because of your personality as none of us know what personality you have. Back to the topic tho, your mum dying is not means as an EXCUSE, so please dont think that its nothing important or related to the way you feel. It'll be a huge reason for your fear of someone you love leaving you. That way, if you chose someone that is not as good looking as you, then, in your own head, have eliminated one way of them possibly leaving you. Would you agree?

[eva1218]

Don't feel hurt that how ppl here are seeing you.

You were just being honest with yourself.

You confessed, its not easy.

I believe all of us are not perfect, nobody is.

People here are trying to help you, and we all got different point of views.

 

Face to the problems you have, is the first step for you to become a better person.

[DN]

The opinions expressed were based on your post - had you given more background people would have had more to respond to.

 

The fact that your mother died is, as you say, a factor, not an excuse. The fact that you chose to be with men who did not treat you well is also not an excuse. Nor is the fact that your current boyfriend may be shallow.

 

You should know, and probably do, that although we are all affected and influenced by other people and upbringing, part of being an adult is making our own decisions about ourselves, our ethics, morals and behaviour.

 

I don't think you are shallow because you recognise your behaviour. But I think you are allowing yourself to act as if you are shallow and that is a very different thing. You have recognised the problem and have chosen to come on here to ask for advice, which is a wise thing to do. You would be even more wise to read the responses and take from them what is useful to you - but it is not wise to react defensively, for that defeats the purpose of posting on here in the first place.

 

Well done for seeking therapy.

[zcloud]

Shallow eh? not necessarily. I have always dated very pretty men, and that's the truth, but I could say "people that I have been very attracted to" and make a politically correct statement. I have dated one or two that have been more "nice" than pretty and they had the same ego issues, quirks.

Turns out they weren't so nice after all. A liar is a liar and and ugly man is not necessarily more virtuous. The only thing you need to work on is not making it a competition. So your new guy is pretty. That's cool, but that doesn't mean he is out of your league or whatever. Treat him like a normal person and he will have to respond accordingly. Treat any person like a god and they will act like a jerk. That doesn't mean treat him poorly, just be nice, make sure he has some redeeming qualities besides his pretty face and body. People are in relationships for many reasons in addition to love and companionship if they are honest with themselves. Some woman want a sugar daddy or an arm piece, or a boss. Some men want an arm piece, a maid, a nanny or a punching bag. When you know what you are looking for besides "love" it will be easier to find. It will also be easier to spot what the man is looking for. Don't assume you are a bad person because you're enjoying your good looking man. The biggest issue is if you want an equal relationship or one in which you need to feel superior. A man is not like having a child or you being the boss at work. Love should be separate from the ego and it can only happen when you understand what motivates your feelings and choices.

[Confessoress]

oops

[volution]

I'm sorry for being harsh... :scramble:

I can only respond to what I read on here, and I believe you do need some help, but please try and avoid tablets, drugs etc. as they are not the cure for the malaises of loneliness and insecurity, of fear and sadness. You sound very insecure, and believe me I know how it is to be insecure, and to hold on so tightly to someone because you're afraid of being alone.

I see a lot of people and a lot of problems on here, and many people seem to see physical attributes as the only things that interest them, and that sexuality is the only form of love. That is why sometimes I'm harsh, because so much love and feeling goes to waste in this world...