He left me when i found out i was pregnant

[bravegirl04]

Hi all. I was wondering if i could get some advice.

I was seeing a guy for about a month and a half. At the end of that month and a half, i found out i was pregnant. So i told him and it didnt seem to bother him. Only to find out it was because he thought i was going to get an abortion. So when i told him i wasnt, he flipped out. He said he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and he wasnt going to be around to help.

When i was around 9 weeks, i got the news that i might have cervical cancer. But in order for them to do all the cat scans and stuff, i couldnt be pregnant. So they said it was best if i terminate the pregnancy.

I could not even describe how it felt to get an abortion. I really almost lost it when i heard that vacum sound because i knew it was all over. Even though it wasnt my fault and it was the best thing for my health, i can still hear God saying to me, "I gave you a child and you killed it".

Me and the father still talked a little bit, but i had such strong anger at him. A couple days ago he told me that his older brother had been killed. Not only that, he was killed the same day i had the abortion. That was really creepy ro me. So he came over the other night and he apologized for everything he put me thru. All we could do was hold eachother because we are both going thru such hard times.

So we talked and he said he really wants to marry me. What do i do? I care about him, but Its so hard to get over what he did to me. And i do not like his lifestyle. He is a major drunk, but hes in the army so what else is new! Help!!!

[RandomAdvisor]

Leave him.

 

The going got tuff and he got going. This man has proven to you he can't be trusted in a crisis when you need him most. Of course he came and apologized to you after you had the abortion. By then he didn't have to worry about you having a baby he wanted nothing to do with. And now he wants you as a shoulder to lean on when things are bad for him? After he wanted nothing to do with you when he knew you were pregnant with his child?

 

The fact that he's a drunk is just icing on the cake. Leave this loser, go to NC, and never look back.

[DN]

I agree with some_guy282. Don't trust his profession of love and never marry a drunk.

[Jinx]

Consider where he would of been if you hadn't had the abortion. Gone. The only reason he is bothering now is because the child is too, and he is out of that situation and probably assumes if he has another chance he'll make sure to be more careful.

 

You've seen the true him, what happened when you announced the pregnancy, what if you get pregnant again? He'll be gone again. There just isn't any hope that I can see, he didn't provide comfort while you were pregnant, just once the problem was solved so to speak.

 

I don't know as though I can say much about his line of thinking either, just assuming you were getting an abortion. Really, what does that say about him? Nothing positive that I can see. He didn't treat the pregnancy as a life form possibility, he viewed it as far as I can tell, an inconvience that could be removed with a medical procedure.

 

He was fine because he thought you'd solve the problem and free him. He spazzed when you told him of the pregnancy and already seemed to plan to wash his hands of this. Once the problem was solved without any help from him he was happy.

 

Spare yourself of future pain that he will inflict with such thinking and methods, if you stay you'll end up solving everything his way no matter your feelings. Like I say, imagine if you had chosen to carry the child and pregnancy hadn't been terminated, thats what truly makes the determining factor. He isn't worth the time or effort, he made a choice and couldn't handle the consequences.

 

Also, being an alcoholic speaks for itself, loudly infact or it should. Sum it all up in one word: Trouble.

 

Edited: For last comment.

[bravegirl04]

Wow, i guess i never thought of it like that. I guess i didnt realize that he is only talking to me afer the abortion. It may be then end of it for him, but for me its just the beginning with the cancer and all. I want to ask him why, why did he leave me why did he not care, but right now he is really hurting over the loss of his brother so i am trying my best to put my feelings aside. So i should really leave him? What if he really has changed?

[bravegirl04]

Wow, i guess i never thought of it like that. I guess i didnt realize that he is only talking to me afer the abortion. It may be then end of it for him, but for me its just the beginning with the cancer and all. I want to ask him why, why did he leave me why did he not care, but right now he is really hurting over the loss of his brother so i am trying my best to put my feelings aside. So i should really leave him? What if he really has changed?

[SadMan]

Nope, Guys dont change just because you had an abortion. You really need to leave this guy. He doesnt want to have a long term relationship with you. He wants not strings attatched. He is simply playing you and all he want is sex from you.

 

If he cared about your feelings and wants a long term relationship with you, he would sit down and talk to you about having the baby or having an abortion and giving you his side of the reasoning. Such as money issues, housing, etc...

 

Not just giving you the, "Oh your pregnant ?? I dont want nothign to do with this" act.

 

and just letting you know if you decided to keep the baby and he did that, you can always sue him for child support and negligence on physical and mental distrees. He will be giving you a BIG check every month. It would be STUPID for him to blow you off once he knew you were pregnant. If you want to find out more, contact your local women's group activiest and they will give you all the help you need to bring the healthy baby to this world.

[RandomAdvisor]

It may be the beginning for you with cancer and I'm sorry for that. I hope you get through it ok. But if you have anyone to depend on during this hard time for you, it should be someone you know to be dependable. Someone who cares about you. This guy has shown he's not dependable, and as much as he says he loves you so much now, his actions (leaving you when you were pregnant with his child) speaks volumes.

 

Why did he leave you? Because he's a coward. Because he's not man enough to be a father. You shouldn't put your feelings aside for this guy. He used you! Did he tell you he loved you before you knew you were pregnant? When you two were having sex and everything was fine and dandy? I'll bet he did. Then the first hint of trouble and he goes running for the door as fast as he can. And then he only becomes interested again when he finds out you had the abortion. He was using you for sex before, and he's using you as a shoulder to lean on now. Give him half a chance, and he'll be using you for sex again.

 

Should you really leave him? Absolutely. What if he's really changed? Come on. Read that sentence you wrote yourself. It's only been a few months. Do you think someone would change so drastically in such a short period of time? That one second they're an immature coward who is afraid to face up to their responsibilites, and the next he's supposed to be the perfect gentleman? Give me a break!

 

There are way too many other single guys out there for you to be wasting your time with this loser. Way too many NICE single guys. Nice single guys who wont abandon you when you're pregnant with their child. Hopefully you'll find one. But you definitly wont find one while you're wasting your time with this loser.

 

Tell him you've thought it over, and that you don't want to consider a relationship (or even a friendship) with him after the way he abandoned you. Go to NC with him and stick to it.

[ReadyorNot]

He is a major drunk, but hes in the army so what else is new!

 

GREAT! Yet another army guy who turned out to be an alcoholic....

My fiance is in the military now.. just starting out and I am noticing all the military guys we know are alcoholics...

 

We TOTALLY dont drink.. just the odd time together with friends so I dont think this will happen to him, but it still freaks me out.

 

How is everything with you? What happened with teh cervical cancer scare? My mom had cervical cancer but they caught it early enough and she is FINE!

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Wow, i guess i never thought of it like that. I guess i didnt realize that he is only talking to me afer the abortion. It may be then end of it for him, but for me its just the beginning with the cancer and all. I want to ask him why, why did he leave me why did he not care, but right now he is really hurting over the loss of his brother so i am trying my best to put my feelings aside. So i should really leave him? What if he really has changed?

 

Honey, his brother's death is tragic but so is YOUR loss. You lost your dream, you lost your baby and you didn't have a real choice in the matter. And this punk treated you like trash the whole time...as women, we want to nurture people and far too often, we put aside our own feelings. His brother's death is not a blank check to ask you (consciously or otherwise) to put aside your grief over what was a life-changing experience for you. You have every right to ask these questions! And you don't have to wait until he's grieved for his brother. You are grieving over your child.

 

If he really is going to change, then the proof will be in the pudding -- it will be in his actions going forward. You should break it off with him and let him prove he is changing his ways. If you end up PG again, he will either leave you or he won't, but if he is an alcoholic, that will screw up your child's life forever. And yours right along with it. Don't take the chance of creating a child with someone who is worthy of neither you or a child. Trust me, I am the child of an alcoholic. Alcoholism and parenting don't mix.

[RayKay]

His profession (military) does not excuse his alchoholism...don't make excuses for him. And yes, even without all this other stuff, I would say stay FAR away from him - as drunks are NEVER good news. They have serious problems that you cannot fix - its something THEY must do themselves.

 

And don't put YOUR feelings aside - it is tragic he lost his brother, but it is also tragic you had to lose your baby (I hope the cancer scare turns out okay, I have been there too & needed some surgeries so if you want to discuss that, please PM me) and go through your own medical traumas right now. It is also terrible that he took NO responsibility and left when he found out you were not going to abort the baby. The only reason he is back - because the baby is no longer a factor.

 

He was just as responsible for the pregnancy as you were, and you both should of discussed it as adults and made some decisions.

 

And I know it is upsetting having to lose the baby - but don't beat yourself up for it - perhaps you were given the baby so that you would find out your life was in jeopardy - that child despite never having had a true life, still had a purpose for you.

 

(((HUGS)))

[TheSmilingTurnip]

And I know it is upsetting having to lose the baby - but don't beat yourself up for it - perhaps you were given the baby so that you would find out your life was in jeopardy - that child despite never having had a true life, still had a purpose for you.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

I concur. Treat yourself the way you'd expect others to, and give yourself some love. When presented with the choice that you had to make, there is no choice, in reality. Forgive yourself.

[archiphile]

Leave this guy as fast as you can honey.

 

I'll quote from a recent song. "Shoes don't stretch...And Men Don't Change"

 

I have found all of the post quite prophetic. This "man" only loves you for what you got between your legs. Not for what's beneath your breasts. I to find the fact that he is a Drunk to only be icing on the proverbial cake. Get out as fast as you possibly can in fact stop reading my stupidly repetitive post and start packing your bags. Or if the tables are turned change your locks and get a restraining order.

 

I am a former Marine...I am not a drunk....I'll admitted to having a good time now and again but. That doesn't get me off the hook for all of my actions in this life or the next. I and only I am 100% accountable for my own actions. If I have the wear-with-all to get a woman pregnant. Then I have the responsibility of taking care of that human.

 

Sadly Manny people don't see it that away. They think that it's a woman's responsibility.

 

I repeat do not pass go do not collect two hundred dollars JUST GET AWAY FROM THIS "MAN" AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!!!!!!...

 

Your still reading why aren't you packing...

 

P.S. I wish to express my deepest regret to you w/ the diagnosis of the cervical cancer. Be strong!!! Fight!! Be a true GRUNT!!!

[bravegirl04]

Hey all. Well, i finally talked to him. Well in an im at least. I am going to post the convo and can you all tell me if he is being sincere or not? Thanks!

 

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:28:40 PM): can u come see me sometime this week...i got some stuff i need to ask u and talk to u about

dasbigdawg (9/21/2005 1:29:19 PM): like what

dasbigdawg (9/21/2005 1:29:24 PM): we can talk here

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:29:38 PM): here where

dasbigdawg (9/21/2005 1:29:49 PM): on the im

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:30:08 PM): ugh

dasbigdawg (9/21/2005 1:30:55 PM): so shoot

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:33:49 PM): ugh

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:33:52 PM): welll......

dasbigdawg (9/21/2005 1:34:05 PM): well what

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:34:49 PM): i was talkin to my sister and a couple other people about what to do in this situation

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:34:58 PM): they basically all said to get away as fast as i can

dasbigdawg (9/21/2005 1:35:07 PM): damn

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:35:16 PM): but u still havent told me why u did the things u did

dasbigdawg (9/21/2005 1:35:31 PM): i was mad and being stupid at the time

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:35:55 PM): ok...

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:36:16 PM): but are you only interested in me again because the pregnancy is no longer a problem?

dasbigdawg (9/21/2005 1:36:57 PM): no i felt bad for the way i treated u

dasbigdawg (9/21/2005 1:37:08 PM): and many other ppl i was being mean to for no reason

dasbigdawg (9/21/2005 1:37:44 PM): the recent things that have happen in my life has changed my out look on things and how i treat ppl

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:39:36 PM): i dont know

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:39:53 PM): im tryna be here for u but im really hurtin too

dasbigdawg (9/21/2005 1:40:11 PM): we can be friends its okay i feel u

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:42:45 PM): i know

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:43:05 PM): its just that if that situation was to happen again i dont know how u would react

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:43:14 PM): i dont know if thats ur true colors or what

dasbigdawg (9/21/2005 1:43:34 PM): its okay if i was u i would feel the same way

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:45:34 PM): what if that situation was to happen again

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:45:45 PM): i understand u have kids and everything but why do i have to suffer

dasbigdawg (9/21/2005 1:46:18 PM): i have only one son and thats it i just didnt want another child with out being married

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:47:07 PM): well neither do i but i was ready to take on that responbility because i put myself in that situation

dasbigdawg (9/21/2005 1:47:36 PM): true i feel u i was being selfish

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:48:56 PM): yeah

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:49:39 PM): i just cant understand why this is happening

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:49:59 PM): i had to kill my own child just for some tests to see if i have cancer

dasbigdawg (9/21/2005 1:50:13 PM): everything happens for a reason like u told me

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:51:03 PM): i know

dasbigdawg (9/21/2005 1:51:07 PM): holla at your boy

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:51:24 PM): u leavin?

dasbigdawg (9/21/2005 1:51:48 PM): dont know yet

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:52:08 PM): oh....

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:52:41 PM): so what is it that u want

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:52:48 PM): friendship, relationship, what

dasbigdawg (9/21/2005 1:52:59 PM): we can be friends

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:53:40 PM): is that what you want

dasbigdawg (9/21/2005 1:55:11 PM): okay

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:55:31 PM): huh?

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:55:34 PM): i asked a question

dasbigdawg (9/21/2005 1:56:54 PM): i dont know really know what i want

trackgirl042002 (9/21/2005 1:57:19 PM): yeah me either

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I'm not sure if what he said really means anything. Actions always speak louder than words. He is letting you go pretty easily though.

 

I would say walk away and don't look back. Maybe he's being nice now, but that could be because the pressure is off. What happened to you is obviously not as important to him as it was to you.

 

If he really has changed, then time will tell the tale. Meanwhile, move on with your life and do what makes you happy...and this guy, it seems, will only bring you sadness.