In Love but Married

[damask]

I have been in a seemlingly dead-end marriage for years. We were married very young, too young to really know what we both were all about. Over time we grew apart. Five years ago she wanted to have a child and of course I thought maybe this would help us get closer again. For awhile it did. Unfortunately, during this time I also started playing allot on line and toying with the idea of seeing others for sexual gratification. I finally admitted to having had online addictions and one liasson, and she said she forgave me after a week or so but she never really did and we started growing more apart. During the last four years we have grown further and further apart.

 

A few months ago, I started a relationship. The first night was of course purely physical but within a couple of weeks we both had strong feelings for each other. We are now in love totally with each other and both know that we are each others true soul mates! During this time I sought advice from an attorney on seperation and have studied the laws on seperation and divorce. The attorney advised me to seek counselling and I did... at first she didn't want to go but in the end I was the one not wanting to go back to the counsellor. For the past few weeks I have been in a living hell. I had already started moving things out of the house last week when my 'gf'/soulmate told me that she needed to move on and that until I was out totally she didn't want to see or hear from me. Call it divine intervention or what but I went to a Bible study alone last week and it was exactly what I needed to hear... about going through trials and staying still if you aren't sure of which way to go. Anyway, I didn't move anything else out and my 'gf' had already told me it was over until I did so.... and for a couple of days she was of course hurt and mad about me not having moved anything else out... but she came back and apologized and said how much she missed me and how she will always love me and will be in love with me.. I told her the same thing but that I felt I needed to stay put for now for some reason. In the mean time my wife has done a complete about face and is trying so hard to make things work but I know that they will never be able to be like they are with my 'soul-mate'. Do I come totally clean with my wife and see if she still takes me??

 

I am making this as brief as possible but I am struggling with what I should do now... Do I stay where I am and know that I will never truly be in love and happy and that someday 'we' will be together again?? I guess this is a decision that is ultimately mine to make but I wanted to see others input on this subject.

[SwingFox]

Hi Damask,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us for seeking advice. I am sorry to hear that you're going through so much in your life. I understand that you're married, but that in the meantime you have found a 'perfect soulmate'.

 

It is very hard to look into the future and say if things will work out for you as you want them to work out. The truth is that your wife at least is trying so hard to make it work. I believe that it shows that she cares deeply for you and for the marriage that she is in with you. I also take into consideration that you have (a) child(ren). This is a fact that is of importance, too. I am not sure if you'd like to see you're kid(s) grow up in a divorced atmosphere, even though this is more common these days. At the same time your soulmate might be the 'greener grass on the other side' for the moment. Are you sure that she is really the one?

 

All in all my suggestion would be to wait out your marriage a little longer and to give your wife a fair chance to work on things. Communicate in a fair way to her. Think of the exact needs that you have in your marriage and what your expectations are. See if your wife is able to meet those needs and expectations. There's no such thing as the 'perfect' man or woman. That goes for your wife AND your 'gf'. I have seen a lot of people on here regretting a divorce or break up. My advice is: be sure that you want to get out. Make sure that you don't lead on your wife unecessary, though.

 

A last note on all this: "The only obligation YOU have in life, is the obligation for YOU to be happy. If YOU are not happy, YOU cannot make someone else happy."

 

With these words I end this reply and I wish you good luck in the decisions that you make.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[Hillarie322]

Speaking as a woman who was in a less-than-perfect marriage and married to a man who sought "comfort" with women on the Internet, I have to say that the most important thing is, you need to be honest about this with your wife. If you are going to honestly try to work on your marriage, then she needs to be able to do so with all of the facts. She deserves that. My best advice to you is to tell the soulmate that you need to work on the marriage and end contact with her. And then really work on your marriage. Go to church together, go to counseling together, talk! Start praying for the marriage, instead of praying for your soulmate. You have your child to think about. Keep in mind, whatever problems you dont fix in this marriage will follow you into your next relationship. Be careful and really give your marriage a try. If you do all you can and it doesnt work out, you can always decide to divorce and then be free to have a relationship with a new person. However, I would be wary of a woman who would have a relationship with a married man because she could turn around and do the same to you. Good luck.

[pixelyzed]

I just wanted to say I understand your situation completely and am myself struggling with the decision of whether or not to leave my husband. Just wanted you to know you not alone here it's a very big choice with possible consequences but if you're not happy in the marriage you should really look hard at the pros and cons of staying or going without thinking about the g/f. I don't think theres really any advice that anyone can give you to make it easier just follow your heart and what you feel. I wish you luck and hope everything works out for you. It's tough but I just keep telling myself it's going to work out in the end, but I do think your wife deserves you to be honest with her about it. I plan on telling my husband just because even though I've been dishonest and unfaithful to him I don't want to carry this forever knowing I was a liar. Good luck to ya ~Pixelyzed