My fiancee of 3 years cheated on me and i feel lost now.

[shortydarlinangel]

I knew this guy for bout 4 yrs before we got together we been together bout a year before we got engaged and we have been engaged for 3 yrs now. Last weekend I found messages on his mums phone from some girl he had stored in the phone as "bab". I ask him who she was and he lied to my face saying she was a mate just met her wednesday.So i got this girls number and rang it she said she been going out with him for 6 weeks and they planning holidays abroad and sleeping together everything. I again confronted him and he denied it said i was talking rubbish and imagining things. This girl then came down the house with her mum and dad to collect her stuff, i confronted him again abot he being in the house he denied it. Until her mother knocked the door and asked him and he said he'd hidden her clothes in his mother cupboard and i had to go get this bag full or dirty worn underwear and give it her mother while he hid in the toilet. I shut the door on the family and went back to confront my fiancee.. still lies he denied everything.. we went through a very rough night without going into to much detail. In mornin he acted normal with me said she a mate who stopped and he hid her bag to protect me. Eventually my mate came to see if i was ok and he then knew he owed me the truth. The truth came out he'd been lying for 6 weeks saying he was at cousins and fishing clearing his head to sort our relationship and treat me right and he was infact sleeping with her. He slept with her thursday night and then when i came over friday knowing nothink slept with me. I was devastated and destoyed i left the house and asked him one thing to tell his parents the truth coz i loved them like family. Next day his parents ring me finding out where i'd gone coz they came back of holiday and expected me to be there. He hadn't told them anythink and they came my house searching for the truth. I told them the truth and they were as devastated as me as i;ve always been a good, honest, loving, caring woman and never used, or hurt anyone. when his mother was at my house she showed me her mobile on it in the sent items was 23 messages he had sent her when I left his house. after he sore me devastated and destoyed after 3 yrs engaged he text her saying he wanted her and he was sure. I then next day when he rang wanting me back aske dhim about this he said he had no one else to turn to even though his whole family and friends live in same area as him. well i lost contact with his family now which is sad coz i loved them liek my own family.. and tried to keep contact from him.. but found myself talking online today about it again as i feel to weak to let him go without him by my side to support me. i know it sounds stupid but i just cant get ym head straight no more. i been cheated on and lied to in all past relationships but this guy said he look after me and for many years he did i gave my heart again i opened up i trusted another man. Now i dont think i'll ever be able to give another bloke the love i feelt with him for fear of the hurt. i keep torturing myself over him touching her thursday and sleeping with her in our bed before i came over friday... and he took all ym photos down and hid them in his mothers room.. when asked he said his engagement ring was off his mum. as much as it hurts i just cant seem to pull away and move on he was the last person after 3 bad relationships i made ago of summat with and it was true love. he says he wants me back and he do anythink for e coz he misses me.. but how do i know he wont cheat again.. i dont and he probably will if i take him back shows i accept what he did to me and forgive him.

 

I dont know what to say i know my post is really long and no one will probably bother reading it, but i needed to get everything of my chest so someone out there could advise me on how to over this guy if i ever can. how can i ever trust again, how can i ever let a bloke near my heart again without fear of this hurt again?

 

I'm lost i find myself staring out windows.. wondering why it happened to me when i was so loyal in helping him though he past relationship when he got cheated on i pulled him up from the floor and earnt his trust and look how he repays me?

 

help me please i lost to know what to do... do i get rid of the engagement ring or keep it? do i stop contacting him till i over him.. but then i got know one to help me thru than him he used to be my rock in weakness.

 

plz help a distruaght lonely heartbroken person

[DN]

I am sorry you went through this. Give him back the ring, tell him you never want to see him again and start to heal.

 

You fell in love with a facade - someone who doesn't really exist. This guy is a liar and a cheat and does not deserve you. Now you have seen the real person he is don't let him wreck your life any more than he already has.

 

You deserve better than this and I really sympathise with you.

[shortydarlinangel]

i know to be honest, i dont want to see him again to even give back the ring. BUT i'm stupid for wanting a hug from him when i'm lonely at night.

he been there for me thru so much to cut him out even after what he's done i'll feel i'll be on my own, and i always dealt with everything badly on my own till i met him.

 

Its the hurt thats killing me and cutting me up after 3 yrs in my head his hands all over her sleeping with her.. then same same hands touch me the next night and i kenw nothink. This girls parents came up the house and said he been down her house all time staying over, met all her family, always picking her up from work, meanwhile stupid caring me sat at home waiting for his call. his mobile off coz he sleeping with her, not coz he fell asleep. I just stupid and worried no man will ever earn my trust now.. because of what he done the next bloke wont have chance in hell of getting close to me.. and will just give up and walk away coz my head will be that messed up no man will have patients now coz of what he done.

[DN]

This is going to be tough for you, no question.

 

First- send the ring back, don't give it to him in person. You may be tempted to keep it or throw it away. Don't do that, take the high road and return it. You will at least demonstrate to him how people should behave,

 

It will be hard for you to trust again - and you may find it helpful to get some counselling for that. But try to realise that not all men cheat. And you can find one that doesn't.

 

But first, you need time to deal with the anger and the hurt. It is ok to feel angry and betrayed. Don't try to ignore or sublimate those emotions - you need to allow yourself to feel them. But not for ever. Let them be there for now but slowly work on replacing them with serenity and hope.

 

You can always PM someone on here to help you more if you need it - me, if you like.

[shortydarlinangel]

well i was tempted to hide it ina cupboard as a memory of when things were what i thought was good. The other option my mates tell me to do is sell it, coz if he so heartless in sending it him back he'll get the money for it. I have already sent all photos, night clothing, small teddies, key rings etc to his house. As for the large teddies i took them to the Acorns trust to be sold to raise money for the terminally children. Now i'm left with the engagement ring, two watchs and a jewellery box. The watchs and jewellery box i guess i can live with.

 

I miss him so bad at night to speak to, and to hold it makes me want to run back and forgive all.. but deep down i know i could never marry this man for fear he cheating.

[DN]

Send the ring back - don't sell it. It is an engagement ring and you are no longer engaged. You will feel better for doing the right thing.

[RandomAdvisor]

I don't know how the laws are in the UK, but in the US an engagement ring is considered a contract. Whether or not the ring has to be returned depends on who broke the contract. If you decided to call off the wedding, or if you cheated on him, you would have to return it. He cheated on you though, so you're not legally obligated to return it to him (assuming the laws are the same in both countries). Personally? I wouldn't give it back to him. I wouldn't keep it either though. I'd follow your friends advice and sell it. But don't use the money to buy something tangible that might serve as an emotional substitute for the ring. Use the money to go on a vacation or something.

 

Definitly go to NC. Tell him you don't want him to ever speak to you again.

[DN]

I don't know how the laws are in the UK, but in the US an engagement ring is considered a contract. Whether or not the ring has to be returned depends on who broke the contract. If you decided to call off the wedding, or if you cheated on him, you would have to return it. He cheated on you though, so you're not legally obligated to return it to him (assuming the laws are the same in both countries). Personally? I wouldn't give it back to him. I wouldn't keep it either though. I'd follow your friends advice and sell it. But don't use the money to buy something tangible that might serve as an emotional substitute for the ring. Use the money to go on a vacation or something.

 

Definitly go to NC. Tell him you don't want him to ever speak to you again.

 

Actually the laws in the US vary from state to state and courts in many states consider a ring a conditional gift and require that it be returned whoever broke the engagement.

 

Etiquette 'experts' advise returing it.One said that a woman who keeps a ring is no lady.

[RandomAdvisor]

 

Etiquette 'experts' advise returing it.One said that a woman who keeps a ring is no lady.

 

True enough. But then again, a man who cheats on his fiance and lies about it is also no gentleman. Returning the ring is certainly the high road, but I don't see how her ex deserves it. The breakup wasn't amicable, and it wasn't initiated by her. In either one of those cases I'd agree 100% that returning the ring is the way to go. But not when he cheated on her. If she's within her legal rights to keep it, I think she should. Hopefully the jerk is still making payments on the ring. That's just my opinion.

[DN]

OK - I happen to think that by keeping it or selling it she could find it on her conscience at a time when what she needs the most is to be able to get past him altogether and move on. Revenge can have unforeseen consequences.

[shortydarlinangel]

Well thankyou to you ll for responding to my problem i know its a long article and i appreciate you taking the time to read it and try and help me.

 

At present the ring is on the side in my bedroom.. i am stuck between two things as what to do with the ring.

 

1. I send it back. He may keep it, he told me he had to get his cousin to take down our pictures coz it upset him.. but then thing is it didn't hurt him to take them down and hide them when he had the other girl sleeping in our bed.

Is it all lies to get my back coz he realised what he lost? I just dont know anything about him anymore due to all the lies even when i begged his honesty the lies continued he even said to me yesterday.. " i didn't have to tell you, i could of kept it to myself and kept you "

 

I'm not sure what to make of that.. how the heck do you understand that?

 

He told me he kept all our stuff in his draw.. i feel devastated i gave the teddys away should I of kept them? but then is this not just torturing myself to see them?

 

End of the day how do i even know what he is feeding me now is the truth.. this man lied to me for 6 weeks and led two lifes and even admitting he didn't have to tell me.. only reason he did is because my friend said you cant hurt her anymore she derserves the truth.

 

deep down i know i have to move on as even in the future if i wanted him back .. how will i ever know where he is.. without trust, love will struggle to survive surely?

 

I feel stupid sometimes when i just want him to hold and hug me.. even after what he done to me why cant I cut him off. i know everyone says it takes time BUT after what he done surely i shud hate him and not want to ever speak to him again. Yet i find myself hoping in future we could still talk as friends even when with other partners. Maybe its the routine of so many years and no i so alone.

 

I am just all messed up dont know where to turn and find myself not getting any stronger - i look better from the weight loss from stress though. guess dats one good point!

[jevonj77]

Look...this man lied to you and his mistress would have been having his baby while the two of you were married... you get it?

 

I know that you are moving on...but you don't need to be trying to understand his reasoning and everything. It is over...whether you want it to be or not.

 

Just send back the ring and move on. It is that simple...don't even think about it...just do it.

 

Also if you can find an extra activity or some time with family and friends...it should get your mind off of him sooner.

[OceanEyes]

Regarding the engagement ring: Hold onto it until you're ready to take the next step. You shouldn't have to decide what to do right now, you're going through enough already. Just keep it in a drawer somewhere until you're emotionally ready to give it up. A ring is just a ring; a piece of jewelry that once represented a high level of love and commitment. It no longer represents that. At this point it's just a valuable rock presented attractively.

 

When the time is right, you'll know what to do with it.

 

If I was in your position, I'd probably do what some_guy suggested. I'd sell it, then take two weeks off of work and sit on a beach in Barbados or something. In my opinion, you deserve some kind of retribution for the way things have gone. If it was a break-up that had consisted of you simply parting ways in a respectful way, I'd definitely give back the ring. Sadly, that's not the case.

 

You're going to go through a rough time in the weeks to come. But then just imagine that you had married him? Picture being married to this poor excuse for a man, then five years down the road, discovering this infidelity and possibly others? In a way I think that it's a good thing that you're able to extricate yourself now, before the bureaucracy and extra baggage of a marriage were factors.

 

This is not a man you give chances. With time, a great vacation, and some good company, I think you'll see him for what he really is.

[shortydarlinangel]

About the ring, yeah i'll prob leave it on side till i know what i really want to do with it.

 

I feel i am moving on as when i'm out in cra driving in sunshine i feel happy and free and glad i found out now. Yet when i on msn he signs in and i aint blocked him. Its weird i know everyone will say just block him cut him out.. maybe i should just do it and talk to different people all time when i come on instead of talking to him going over and over what happened. Also hearing how he wants me back and do anything for me atleast i strong enough to say we are over no hope of getting back cozs i'd never trust him. Its just the next step of cutting him i can't quite do?

 

Help?

[DN]

Not to keep banging on about the ring - but before you sell it or dispose of it, check the law for where you live. If you are legally required to return it and you do not - you could find yourself on the hook for the cost of the ring and the cost of expensive legal fees.

[Farami]

I would say keep him still on the MSN but restrain yourself from speaking to him. I wouldn't say keep him still as a friend but you letting him still see you are coming onto MSN and NOT talking to him after a few times would give him the idea you are simply not interested anymore.

 

I've been through an NC period with my Bf and I know how you feel. It is very difficult. If "seeing" his nick on the msn list makes you itch to type something there - then delete him off. If you don't want to, set your msn options not to allow those pop-up annoucenments when people sign in, so you do not know if he did sign in. Or else create a group and drop his msn inside there and don't ever open that group. "Out of sight, out of mind", if you know that philosophy.

 

Go out more, don't stay at home or near the computer. Erase your call-logs on your phone so his number doesn't appear on your daily-called list. Change his name on your phone to something else or delete it.

 

He just "dumped" you and now he wants back - it could be possibly when you left, it became unfamiliar and he's left with a void and he cannot deal with it, and he just wants that void to be filled so he won't feel upset feelings. I find that men don't like change and he's not different.

 

Good luck!

[shortydarlinangel]

Thankyou all for your advice I have taken it all on board and plan to deal with things in a way i want too now. I off out retail therapy get some clothes make me feel better and start to move on.

 

Thanks for all your advice

[WyseOne]

Hang in there girl, you are doing the right thing. Get rid of everything that reminds you of him and start putting it behind you. I know how you feel, I had recently been left by my girl and we were only together 2.5 months, after all the promises and everything she ended up being a lesbian and left me for another women, turned around telling me things did not work out between us and that was 1 week after crying to be with me so go figure, all lies from the beginning. I know how much it hurts, they were the best 2.5 months I have spent with anyone and I do understand the missing, it hurts like hell. I really feel for you and I wish I could give you the strength to get through this. Just remember one thing, you are better off without him.

[xprincessbugx]

This was posted over a year ago, I hope she's figured it out by now...