too much pride?!?!

[starrrr]

I know this is longgg...but it is FREAKING INTERESTING, its MIND BOGGLING. PLEASE READ AND SOMEONE GIVE ME COMMENTS TO CONVINCE THIS LIL VOICE INSIDE OF ME THAT IF HE REALLY WANTED TO BE WITH ME, HE WOULD DO MORE THAN AN EMAIL....so sit back, relax, and jus read...

 

Heres the background...Ex and I were together for a year and a half. The last six months was long distance since i moved 3 hrs away for college. We have not been together these past 7 months since he broke up with me because we were arguing to much. We stopped talking for a complete month, but then started talking again. This whole summer we've been acting as if we're together again. He hasn't been seeing anybody and so haven't I. We've been talking almost everyday. He also came up to visit me and stayed with me for a week. He even continued to tell he loved me and cared about me...

 

Anyway, i stuck around even tho he broke up with me because he said we were eventually going to get back together. He said i was the only girl in his life, but first we needed to start over and learn to communicate, and he needed to get things straight in his life. (trust me, he was in a sh*tty place of his life) He knows i wanted to be with him and how deeply i cared n loved him...But anyway by the end of the August his life was starting to get on the brighter side of things...BUT we were still not together and I felt that he was even starting to become distant from me...the same feeling i got right before he broke up with me....

 

To make things short, about 2 weeks ago he acted like a jerk and i got fed up with him. He was already in a thin line with me, and he knew it too...I told him i did not want to see him ever again nor ever talk to him again after he did wat he did, and that he was just like every other guy out there....i felt he played with my heart by just stringing me along...

 

And i meant everything i said, i was TIRED of it all. I was always there for him when he was DOWN, and i did it all because i sincerely loved him. Even when i knew there was a chance he would not get back together with me...but now his life has gotten better he wants to act like a damn jerk after everythin ive done for him???!?!? wat an ahole

 

So then he wrote me an email starting it off with "This is not a sorry letter, but a LAST WORD letter..." He said that i was right. That we shouldn't talk or see each other. That he couldn't help but feel that it was NOT TRUE LOVE for him as the months passed and that it was just physical attraction...[the nerve of him!?!?! this is after two years of telling ME HE LOVES ME] and he even said..get this..." I AINT GOT LIE THOUGH, i did feel love for you and cared about you..." He also said we could've ended this without the tears and angry words...and that i should take care of myself. He even ended it with "bye babyy muahhh"...At this point he knows i hate his guts...He even said so and that he'd understand that.....

 

So then i never replied and i blocked his email. I heard what i needed to hear. Now he could take care of himself and now summer was over and i needed to concentrate on my studies anyway. Next day he wrote another email with a different email. It just said "Sorry to bother you but jus lettin you know i dropped off ur CD at ur house. I had to use this email cuz other one is acting up" That was all...

 

So i replied back telling him he could not send an email because i blocked him. I even said that he WAS botherin me and i did not appreciate it. I told him he did not have to email me back bout the CD and that if i wanted it back i could've asked for it. I told him he could've thrown it away or anything as long as he did NOT CONTACT ME. I told him i was only replying to remind him not to contact me because i meant it when i said i did not want to SEE or talk to him again.

 

He replied back simply with "okay you want to be Ms. Harda$$, you got it..."

 

I replied with something along the lines of.."im not tryin to be hard a$$ but you WERE botherin me, and i mean everything I said. You said you'd understand. I meant it, i dont want to talk or see you again. Do not reply back"

 

So i blocked all of his emails. I was not playing games. He has hurt me alot, let's just say he does not treat me right. I believe i am worth much more than how he treats me. I believe he knows that too...EVERYONE else seems to know it also..for the record he never cheated on me, but he jus acted like an a$$ still.

 

A week later i GET ANOTHER EMAIL from an email he made up cuz i blocked all of his. THIS TIME IT WAS EXTREMELY LONG AND HE POURED HIS HEART OUT. HE SAID HE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE AND THAT HE WAS AN IDIOT FOR SENDING HIS FIRST EMAIL. HE SAID EVERYTHING HE SAID WAS WRONG AND CONTRADICTS WITH HOW HE REALLY FEELS FOR ME. HE APOLOGIZED FOR ACTING LIKE A JERK IN THE FIRST PLACE AND THAT HE HAD TOO MUCH PRIDE AT THE TIME, HE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT AND INSTEAD HE SHOULD'VE SAVED WHAT WE HAD. THEN HE SAID HE'S DOING ALL THE THINGS THAT TELLS HIM HE LOVEs ME TO DEATH HE SAID ALL SORTS OF THINGS LIKE HE CANT STOP THINKING BOUT ME, HE TALKS BOUT ME TO OTHER PEOPLE TO MAKE THE EMPTY FEELING GO AWAY, THAT THE DAYS WERE LONGER AND DARKER WITHOUT ME...THAT HE KEEPS HOPING ITS ME WHEN HIS PHONE RINGS, THAT HE FEELS A VOID IN HIS LIFE THAT COULDN'T BE REPLACED BUT BY ME, ALL THOSE OTHER CLICHE THINGS PEOPLE SAY....yadda yadda yadda

 

HE ASKED FOR A CHANCE TO PROVE HE WAS TRUE TO HIS WORDS. THAT HE WAS FIGHTING FOR ME. HE SAID HIS PRIDE WAS OUT THE WINDOW, HIS HANDS TIED BEHIND HIS BACK, AND DOWN ON HIS KNEES. HE SAID HE WAS READY TO DO ANYTHING TO GET ME BACK. HE JUST KEPT SAYING HE JUST MADE A BIG MISTAKE AND THAT HE WAS GOING TO STEP UP AND ACT LIKE A MAN LIKE HOW HE SHOULD'VE HAVE DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE, HE SAID HE MADE A MISTAKE AND THAT'S HE'S ONLY HUMAN.........ETC ETC ETC....and he's jus asking for a chance.

 

I personally still feel its all BULLSH*T..Im SOOO Tired of his WORDS...that was all i ever got from him...

 

I actually finally emailed him back a couple days later tellin him that i still believe he has too much pride that will continue to get in the way of us. That it would take FULL commitment from him to make us work that i dont think he can or WILL give me. I told him it was too late....[/i]and that WORDS will just not do...and i ended it again with the fact that i can't talk or see him right now......

 

 

What would you have done?

 

Then i blocked EVERYONE's email to make sure he can't send me one.

 

But anyway...here is my QUESTION.

 

>>>IF HIS PRIDE WAS REALLY OUT OF THE WINDOW, THEN WOULDN'T HE HAVE CALLED ME INSTEAD OF EMAIL ME????? ISN'T THAT SOOO IMPERSONAL???

If he was really sincere don't he think he would've done it in a way that was more personal than thru an email?

 

I am really willing to give him a chance, but he needs to SHOW me that he really wants to be with me.

 

Does he not get that??

 

I mean if a guy really wanted to be with someone, wouldn't he go OUT OF HIS WAY TO SHOW IT and not just do it in WORDS???

 

Even though i told him it was too late...{note that i told him "words are not enough"}, if he really wanted to be with me then he wouldn't take NO as an answer right? That he would just PROVE it to me and not HAVE to ask me permission first to PROVE it to me?? And coudn't he AT LEAST GIVE ME A CALL?? Even though i prolly woudn't answer but at least it shows to me that he has really put his pride down??

 

For me to even consider givin him ANOTHER chance (he's had many chances to prove himself true, trust me..), he needs to drive over where i am (only 3 hr drive), look for me, (not hard to do) and TALK TO ME IN PERSON...SHOW ME. To prove he's words true....

 

Guys, wouldn't you do that?? I mean DO YOU NOT KNOW TO DO THAT?? Thats not mind reading, its common sense to me...am i right??

 

I realize he may jus be lonely or watever, he wants to go back to wats familiar, no body wants to be forgotten, etc but no one can possibly be that evil to pour their heart like that and not mean it right?? But then if he mean it...he would do more wouldn't he??

 

HELP ME....

[DN]

Seems to me that pride is cutting two ways here. He laid it all out for you and you are rejecting him because you don't like the way he did it.

 

You have some simple questions to answer:

 

Do you love him or not?

 

Do you want him back or not?

 

Are you prepared to work on the relationship so that both of you are happy and get what you want - or are you going to sabotage it again by insisting on being in the right and a victim?

 

If you want him quit complaining about the method he used to tell you that he loves you and wants you back and start concentrating on how to put the relationship back together as equal partners.

 

Look at what is important and stop getting distracted by inessentials.

[confusedgrl23]

aww I know exactly how you feel...

 

One thing we forget I think is that guys are not mind readers. He probably emailed you because he didn't want to make you more upset. Also alot of people feel more comfortable writing down the things they mean vs talking in person.

 

The idea of him driving to you, telling you how he feels is nice and romantic, but lets face it, guys are too stupid to know what we girls want/need. Soo unless you let him know what EXACTLY you want him to do, he won't do it.

[DN]

The idea of him driving to you, telling you how he feels is nice and romantic, but lets face it, guys are too stupid to know what we girls want/need.

 

Are you including all guys in that sexist statement or just the guys that you know?

 

How acceptable would it be if a man said "Let's face it, women are too stupid to be able to communicate what they want so you have to be a mind-reader"? Not very, I imagine. It would certainly offend me.

[starrrr]

confusedgrl..thats what i was thinking...i want the romantic stuff...its been way too long.

 

and DN...

 

Its not inessential.

 

I want change in our relationship. Im not trying to be conditional, i realize it may sound i myself have pride, but that's pride i have currently gained back. I've gotten real strong since he first broke up with me. I reached a low in my life i don't ever want to be in again...and i've put up standards on how i want to be treated now. And he f$%#ed up.

 

Atleast his past actions back up and go more in accord with his first email the one when he told me it wasn't TRUE LOVE for him...than his email about how he does love me. I dont see any actions to back that one up.....

 

I'm afraid i'll just give him a chance, and i'll just get disappointed...again.

 

I already gave US a chance twice in the past, and where did it take me? He broke my heart the first time and continued to hurt me still. Should i really give him another chance to take a stab at it??

 

I do love him, and yes i do want him back. But tell me why it didn't feel enough.........

 

I guess i am testing him, to see what he will do...to see if he's really true to his words...

 

Am i going about it wrong?

[kw1202]

I think the question should really be what do YOU truly want?

You said that he did this and he did that, but if you let him come back will you be able to handle it if it all starts all over again?

 

I reached a low in my life i don't ever want to be in again...and i've put up standards on how i want to be treated now

 

 

Stick to what you said. If he loves you he will show you. I had to learn that the hard way. words are just that. they mean nothing without action.

Don't settle for less then what you want but don't make it so high that you can't be pleased.

[starrrr]

Thank you!! Exactly.

 

I've learned my lessons already...

 

I mean he could atleast call is what i think...i mean seriously, atleast if he called me then we could talk...I probably wouldn't have answered right away, but eventually i would've answered and hear him out...then we could talk about it...but still i'm tired of TALKING, WORDS...if he showed me, if he did something, then it's something we both can share. It's goin to take balls for him to REALLY throw out his pride and for him to do somethin, but it'll show me we can weather any storms later on in life together, that he won't chicken out...and it'll give me confidence in his words again.....

 

Guys..any response?? It seems the females are the only ones feeling me on this one.....

[DN]

The problem with 'testing him' is that he doesn't understand that he is being tested. And that is not fair.

 

A good relationship is founded on equality and balance. And for one partner to 'test' the other automatically makes it unequal and unbalanced.

 

This is time for you to make a decision. As I said before - decide if you want him. If you do then talk to him.

 

Tell him what you want and what you expect. Then listen to what he wants and expects.

 

It is a good thing to learn from the past. It is a bad thing to draw the wrong conclusions.

 

Don't do any testing, don't expect him to know what you want, don't expect him to work miracles.

 

Expect that when he says he loves you that he means it. Expect that when you say you love him that you mean it. Expect that both of you need to get the relationship on track by working together as adults with clear communication of needs and expectations so that there are no misunderstandings

 

How would you feel if you decide to test him, he doesn't understand the test and then you lose him. Then, later on, you find that he meant exactly what he said in the e-mail, loved you as you wanted to be loved, but assumed you didn't want him anymore and so moved out of your life. You could lose the best relationship you could develop simply because you were not clear and precise about what you wanted.

 

Relationships are complicated enough - there is always a risk of being hurt. Don't make yours more complicated and risky. That is what I mean by concentrating on inessentials.

[RayKay]

Okay I'm female...and I have to say I don't really "feel you", I think you are being just as "proud" as he is.

 

You said yourself even if he called...you would not have answered. And would of expected him to keep trying. Maybe he at least felt if he wrote you you would read it and he would have chance to tell you what was going on. Right now he probably feels wounded, rejected and you yourself said "no way" so he is dealing with what you have told him and taking it at face value - he is not going to deal with reading into what you "really mean".

 

If I knew that you were "sick of talking and words" anyway, I would not be too confident in calling you or coming to talk to you.

 

For example, if you had written the same to him, and he wrote you back it was too late - I bet posters here would advise you to stop pressuring and lay low.

 

Look, you did break up with him, and the advice is generally to the dumped to give the other space and back off - it seems to be EXACTLY what he is doing. Yes he may have acted a jerk after, but you know, hurt and pain and being rejected makes people do that.

 

I think that letter, he did swallow his pride..maybe it was not "enough" for you, but you need to evaluate what's important - if you truly loved him, and wanted to work through things TOGETHER AS EQUALS, you would not play victim, nor be trying to "punish" him further...you would write or call him back, tell him your fears about letting him back again so quickly, and together discussing what steps you two may need to take.

 

 

You may not admit, but you are playing games, and you are trying to make him hurt and beg right now. And I am sorry to say, it will likely backfire. You BOTH have made mistakes, and it takes one person to come forth and start the process, I think he did try to do that....but of course he ran back again when he was basically shot down...would you really have done different?

 

You need to decide what you truly want, if you do want to be with him, stop the game playing & tests and start the communication again...stop the resentment, and expecting him to know what you want without even letting him know and expecting him to read between the lines.

 

A relationship is not a duel, or a competition to see who comes out on top. It's a partnership requiring both of you to communicate, empathize, have compassion, respect and love one another.

[djedix]

Pride?

 

It sounds more like he doesn't know what he wants in life.

 

But what do you want? do you want to keep this crap going?

Why bother? when you can find the guy who will do the things you want this one to do..

 

he'll never change... and if he does it will be to late.

[starrrr]

RAYKAY...

 

I just want to say he broke up with me. These past 7 months we havent been together, and i feel he has been stringing me all along, shown by an incident that happened which caused me to not want to speak to him again. A couple days later after not speaking to him, he emailed me tellin it wasn't true love for him. And I accepted that.....

 

and when he sent that email askin for a chance because he's made a "mistake", i replied back tellin him he's really hurt me and convinced me that it wasn't true love for him....

 

DJEDIX....

 

Youre right...i dont think he doesn't know what he wants. I mean if he doesn't know if he wants me or not after 2 years.... come on now....

 

I also don't think he'll change....or he will TEMPORARILY, then go back to actin like an a$$ because he'll not know what he wants again....

 

So for us to get better, a drastic change needs to happen, so for this dramatic change to start, he needs to do somethin drastic first....to even convince me he will change, that things will change...

 

To be honest, IM NOT EXPECTIN him to do anything, i dont expect him to beg or anything. So what i'm doin won't backfire. As i've said, i'm convinced it ISN't TRUE love for him, so i already expect he wont do anything.....

 

I guess i am venting jus how dare he even write me that email talkin bout he made a mistake...If he knows me well enough which i think he should if he does truly LOVE me...and after 2 years..then he would know that i'm really hurt, and that he needs to SHOW me. But HE DOESN"T so he wont do anything. And so far, he's provin me right still...

[DN]

Please don't take this an attack - but I think by your behaviour now you are absolutely justifying why he broke up with you in the first place. If I were advising him I would tell him to move on because you are way too demanding and he would never be able to satisfy you. I would not be in the least surprised if he took that exact position.

 

It seems to me you don't really want advice - you want validation of your position.

 

Are you sure you love him?

[starrrr]

How am i being demanding?

 

It is taking A LOT for me to be strong and not just fall for his words again. I love him, but i love myself too.

 

After being told by someone who you yourself love to death, and would've done anything for tell you that it has NOT been TRUE LOVE for them and for them to confirm all your fears, that it was just "physical attraction", after SHOWN THEM how much you love them, would just CRUSH YOU and don't tell me it wouldn't cause you to shut down also and expect a lot more than an email to convince you otherwise.........

 

I've written here about us 6-7 months ago...and things has not changed. He's had plenty of chances to be with me, but he just turned away. Even when he did, i remained by his side and stayed true to him because he was going thru a hard time (things he brought to himself).....I was there for him to listen, comfort, and support, and helped guide him. When he had the chance to do the same for me, again he turned away instead....and on top of it all he tells me IT WAS NOT TRUE LOVE. I mean, how much more can a person take...............

 

Love....

 

DN, and anybody else.....you guys think i should really call him and "communicate" with him? The last time we talked was after he hung up on me....and i tried about 100x afterwards to call him right after to "communicate" with him but he never PICKED ME UP....He just sat there, listening to me TRYING to talk to him, but instead he REFUSED to answer his phone. THen he sents me an email tellin me it was best we don't talk or see each other anymore....

 

Why did he even hang up on me, cuz he was being a a$$ thats why, being "too proud" as what he says........

 

He left me, crying, hurt...and completely alone.

 

Now after an email, he just expects me to believe more of his WORDS?

[starrrr]

wow i sound angry huh?? well i guess cuz i am...........

 

I just want to say that i appreciate everyone's comments...i really do. I take them all into account, and they are all very helpful....

 

I guess, it's just hard for me to be able to forgive him...

 

Thanks for this forum and everyone, that's what i realize my problem is. It's hard for me to forgive him, for what he did...cuz its hard to believe him now......

 

I do love him, i really do....

 

Talk to him, or to just dump him completely? Its like the obvious answer is to talk to him if I love him....

 

But on the other hand, if i love myself i should not talk to him.....

 

It comes down to....Do i listen to my heart....or to my head??? Because i've been listening to my heart and all i got was pain and hurt......and my head is really telling me not to talk to him....but deep down in my heart, its callin out to him..........

 

.....this is frustrating.....

 

DN, you think i really should talk to him?

[DN]

OK, this is my last post on this thread because it seems that you only want to be right - and to argue which is why he broke up with you in the first place.

 

You can make all the demands you want, you can be as angry as you want, you can blame him, scorn his message, call him a liar for saying that he loves you. You can drag up the past and throw it in his face. You can do all those things - who knows it may work for you, even if only temporarily.

 

But - if you love him and want him - if you want an equal, balanced and loving relationship, I strongly suggest you rein in your desire for revenge, stop wanting to make him grovel and plead, and make an effort to join him in making the relationship work as adults instead of the way you both seem to behave most of the time. Stop the dramatics and the wish for extravagant gestures.

[starrrr]

Okay...

 

Im thinkin about taking your advice..i'll call him and let you know what happens.

[DN]

Cool - hope it works. Good luck.

[starrrr]

I took the advice, and boy could it be worse than what i expected....

 

 

No jus kiddin. We are back together....He just came up to visit me, and we've come to the decision that we'll work hard to communicate more efficiently and effectively....I called him and he was very surprised to hear from me....He just kept talking and talking during our conversation...expressing how he's been, what he's been thinking, that he was glad i called, that he didn't think i'd ever call, etc...

 

I am learning to believe him, and let go of the past and atleast this time around, we can make a new ending for us...since the last one kinda sucked. Hopefully an ending together, or whatever it may be..jus hopefully one that is just not as hateful as the last one and not filled with bitter words and tears....

 

I'm learning also to be more optimistic about our relationship and to just live at the moment and not worry about our future, and to not dwell on pick on him for things he doesn't do the way i WANT him to...and to just let him please me in the way he knows how......

 

I love him and so there is no point to hold grudges anymore...i'm givin it my all....

 

so CHEERS for chances to make things right again..

 

=D>

 

[DN]

Good luck - glad to hear it may turn out well for you. Let's be more ptimistic - will turn out well for you.

[DN]

Good luck - glad to hear it may turn out well for you. Let's be more optimistic - will turn out well for you.

[starrrr]

Thanks, i appreciate you hearin me out and givin me advice...

 

Yes i do HOPE it WILL turn out well...

 

As they say....Whats meant to be will be.

 

8-[