Do you consider this infidelity?

[Kristen Mcgee]

I have been married for 8 years with my husband total 9. When I married my husband I had broken up with my ex-fiance less then a year. Anyways, since being married I have been in contact with my ex fiance twice. He is also married. My ex and I have not seen each other in over 9 years, but the two times we started talking, it was via email, phone, IM, etc. This second time about 2 months ago, it was very intense. We even talked about seeing each other but decided probably for the best if we dont. We admitted to each other that we still think about each other often and probably always will. But we are both married with children and we have to be happy with what we have. This is his words. We both also admitted that if things were different then we would be together but now we can't. So now we email each other once a week, just to keep in touch, but trying to keep it as friends. Neither of our spouses know any of this at all. His spouse would def not understand as I am apparently a sore spot for her and always have been.

 

My ex also said that it is ok if we think about each other on a regular basis, it is our thoughts. I don't agree with this but...

 

Anyhow, I am wondering if you consider this cheating on an emotional level as I do?

[7CardStud]

If you have been keeping it a secret from your husband, because you know he wouldn't like it... Then I would believe it is...

[DN]

If it isn't - it is becoming dangerously close

[jevonj77]

All I can say is that I smell the ingredients for adultury.

 

Ok...now there is of course no problem in speaking to an ex...this is normal.

 

But the fact is that you are keeping this from your husband and are feeling like your relationship is growing on an emotional level with this former lover of yours...yes, one can have a close relationship with an ex and it not be cheating...but, as you already know, from the path that you are starting to take( that of secrecy and such) you will then find that if something else is to happen, you will just not tell your husband about that either and the list will go on and grow.

 

But you should not be lieing to yourself...you know what it is and you most likely feel strange about it that is probably why you are righting this.

 

Make it clear and make sure that your ex knows that their are clear bounderies.

[darkblue]

Your husband doesn't know about him?

 

Or he may know about him, but does he know you still contact him?

 

Are you happy in your marriage?

[Hope75]

If this "friendship" isn't something that you can share with your husband and he can share with his wife and no one would have hard feeings it would probably be OK.

 

Since you are both keeping it a secret from your respective spouses it is skating dangerously close to cheating.

 

Think of it this way: How would you feel if you found out your husband was emailing an ex on a regular basis and telling her that he would be with her if he weren't married and he thinks of her all the time and wants to stay in touch?

 

Would you be hurt? Would you consider that cheating?

[Kristen Mcgee]

Think of it this way: How would you feel if you found out your husband was emailing an ex on a regular basis and telling her that he would be with her if he weren't married and he thinks of her all the time and wants to stay in touch?

 

 

I completely agree with you. See because of exactly what you just said, I wanted to actually see my ex, so we could once and for all figure out why we can't let go of each other. Is this something real or is it a fantasy in our minds. But he said planning to meet is basically planning to cheat, because he doesn't think he could be face to face with me and not hold my hand etc. And he thought that we should stop our regular communication because if was unfair but he thought that he thinking of me on a regular basis was ok. Well I said, that I already considered what we have as cheating, as cheating comes in different forms and that we have an emotional cheating and even the fact that we think about each other all the time is bad enough.

I guess in someways I feel guilty and I am trying to figure out how I feel about my hubby also.

[DN]

What problems do you have with your husband and could they be affecting the way you see your ex.

 

Very often, if there are problems in a marriage, people look back on former relationships and only see the good things and forget, or at least, minimise, the bad.

[Kristen Mcgee]

I don't really have any major problems in my marriage, just some of the regular problems most couples have. Really nothing major.

 

The main problem is that when I married my hubby I was on the rebound over 9 years ago to my ex, and I guess I thought back then that with time and marriage, kids I would move on and forget my ex, but here it is 9 years later and I find out that my ex also feels the same about me, but we both are married with relatively happy lives, it just doesn't make any sense does it.

 

And now having talked to him again, I can't get him out of my mind no matter what I do. And it is a terrible feeling as I feel like we just broke up 9 years ago and I don't know how to move on honestly. I mean I try to focus on my hubby, child, work, etc, but in the end my ex comes to my mind.

[DN]

You have a lot to lose if you carry on like this. Marriage, home, possibly kids, your self respect and you would be causing much unhappiness to your husband, who has done nothing wrong except love you. Your kids would also suffer through no fault of their own.

 

Maybe you should seek some counselling to work through these issues.

 

But for the meantime remember that you are dangerously close to giving up present day happiness and stability for the memory of a failed relationship and/or the possibility of a second relationship with a man who is not the same person you left 9 years ago. If that were to happen the cloud of guilt on both your parts would mean the realtionship would have a slim chance of success.

 

You can make decisions here - make sure that the decisions you make are guided by a rational not an emotional mind.

[Kristen Mcgee]

You can make decisions here - make sure that the decisions you make are guided by a rational not an emotional mind.

.

 

I am having a hard time thinking rationally but lucky for me, my ex is very rational. See at this point I realize that I am not going to be with my ex as he is being rationale. His words "What we had we will never have with anyone again, and if things were different we would probably be together, but we were just young and stupid and now we can't go back. We can't always have what we want and we have to now be happy with the life we have chosen, irregardless of our feelings or wants for each other". For me that is much easier said then done as I just can't get him out of my mind. And I don't know how I can move on, because I know at this point he will always be on my mind.

[miracle29]

DN

Royal Member

If it isn't - it is becoming dangerously close

 

 

I totally agree here with DN. This can turn badly and very soon. Please think this over, and really ask yourself, "where is my heart" or am i just bored perhaps with 8 yrs of the same thing and maybe this ex fiance just simply sounds better..but may not be.

 

Whatever you do, please don't make this decision in haste!

 

P.S.

"What we had we will never have with anyone again, and if things were different we would probably be together, but we were just young and stupid and now we can't go back. We can't always have what we want and we have to now be happy with the life we have chosen

 

He made a great point, but I think you are looking at it only one way. Sure he's right you'll never have what you had with him, but what you and your husband can have can be 9 times better. Also don't get swept away in this fantasy of what could be, think about the reasons the two of you never cemented the deal, and your husband, he did. He's the one who deserves these thoughts not the ex. Maybe what you had with this ex is not really what you wanted and what you needed.

[BillyJean714]

I sense that the fact that you're asking us, you intuitively know that your contacting your ex is not right. If you feel that the relationship that you have is cheating, I'd go with your gut and tell the ex that you can't keep in touch. After all, cheating is something that people do behind their partner's backs when they know they wouldn't do it in front of their face.

 

Since you mentioned that you've always been a sore spot in his life in which his wife feels like it's hard for her to measure up to, I get this feeling that he just 'settled' for her. For you, things may appear a bit 'innocent.' But, for him, it could be a totally different story. And, maybe either his wife or your husband senses that something's wrong. Either way, there's no telling what can happen. The point is, sooner or later, the truth ALWAYS comes out.

[jevonj77]

Well from what you wrote...

I am having a hard time thinking rationally but lucky for me, my ex is very rational. See at this point I realize that I am not going to be with my ex as he is being rationale. His words "

 

For me that is much easier said then done as I just can't get him out of my mind. And I don't know how I can move on, because I know at this point he will always be on my mind.

 

 

 

 

It is already clear that you know that you are cheating...we are not going to give you the permission to mess your marriage up. If you know what is good for your marriage...you will simply tell him that it must end because you are developing the wrong kinds of feelings for him. It's that simple.

Now I understand that you maybe want to have a fling with him and such because you have been married for so long to the same person and maybe you are not tottally satisfied and such...but you already know that this will last for only a short time...and then you will most likely loose your current marriage...

 

I know that you have to act quickly...or you are just wasting our time and yours.

[Kristen Mcgee]

 

 

maybe you are not tottally satisfied and such...but you already know that this will last for only a short time...and then you will most likely loose your current marriage...

 

 

You are right, even prior to a couple of months ago that my ex contacted me, there was something in my marriage that was not totally satisfying. We had our problems even before my ex entered the picture. Well he is not in the picture now anymore really. To be honest, if I had the chance I would really like to see my ex.

I really just want to know why we both can't forget about each other. I said to him, it has been 9 years, we are both 'happily' married, have kids, job etc, why can't we just forget about each other. It is amazing that he and I both have thought of each other over the years. So in my mind I wonder maybe if I were to actually see him, I would realize he is not who I am fansing him to be and I can move on completely with my life once and for all.

 

He on the other hand does not want to see him, well he said as much as I want to see you, I can't. Its not right and it will only complicate things. Seeing you is like making plans to cheat. My thoughts were maybe seeing you will be like closure. Anyways, this is not going to happen as I am not one to jump on a plane and just show up to see him, so you are right, I believe that this emotional relationship with my ex is cheating.

 

Well, we are no longer in contact on a regular basis, but I am just having such a hard time putting all the pieces of my life back together.

 

You have to understand that I am not one that would ever cheat with any other guy. But my ex, was my everything, my first love and the love of my life and for years I was hurt over him and thought that he didn't care. so after all this time, finding out that his feelings for me our mutual but yet all the doors are closed as he is happy with his marriage and life it kills me all over again. And it is so hard for me to go on every day, its like my heart is burning every day and even time will never heal this as it obviously hasn't in 9 years.

[jevonj77]

First I want to say that I congratulate you for the decision that you have made.

 

Secondly, I want tell you that you already know, that if you were to see him, what would happen. Don't lie to yourself...because it is so easy to do. It only takes one time, and then you are one that has cheated...

 

Thirdly, I suggest that you try and take some preemptive action with your current marriage. It is clear that some things are not going that well. You must explain this to your husband, and if you can't do this, seek counsuling from a conselor that you trust while your husband is there. If he does not want to come, this should not stop you from doing your part.

 

Lastly, I want to congratulate you...but the fight is not over so don't act like it is...continue in the right direction, which what I think is to try to strenghten your current marriage.

[Hope75]

You have to understand that I am not one that would ever cheat with any other guy. But my ex, was my everything, my first love and the love of my life and for years I was hurt over him and thought that he didn't care.

 

Honey,

 

I am sorry that you are hurting so much and that this is difficult for you. What you have to remember is that this is not just about you anymore. You have a husband and children, a family. The decisions you make regarding this will affect them all, and possibly destroy your family. Do they deserve that over a selfish choice you make for you and you alone?

 

I advise you to seriously think about this, just because you wouldn't cheat with "any other"person doesn't mean you wouldn't cheat, and you feelings for him don't make cheating acceptable or fair to your husband or children.

 

Instead of wasting energy trying to develop a relationship with a man who is married to someone else now, as are you, why don't you seek counseling and talk to YOUR husband about what's missing in that relationship and try to get it back on track?

[Kristen Mcgee]

What you have to remember is that this is not just about you anymore. You have a husband and children, a family. The decisions you make regarding this will affect them all, and possibly destroy your family. Do they deserve that over a selfish choice you make for you and you alone?

 

What you said is exactly right. I am really trying to forget about my ex trust me and I have my good days and then I have my really bad days. Infact as soon as I feel like I am doing better, the next day I am totally in the dumps again.

 

I was sitting here thinking, honestly how could I be in such a mess at 30. I mean it has been 9 years, how can this guy affect me like this after all this time. Before my ex contacted me, yes my husband and I had our problems, but I was so focused on the right things and now I am having such a hard time.

 

To be really honest, if I had the choice to be with my ex I would probably go for it, and I know many don't like to hear that, but that is the truth from my heart. But in a sense I am lucky as my ex, has told me that if things were different we would be together, but now there is no chance as he has a family that he cares for. I do respect him for that and I do care for my family, but I guess he cares for his wife more then I do for my husband.

 

I know I made the decision to marry my husband and I owe it to him and my child to try and make things work and I am really trying, but I know that deep down in my heart I can't forget about my ex. I know every decision I make will effect my family, but sometimes I think that life is too short. Is it fair to my husband who loves me dearly, that his wife has feelings for another even 9 years later? My answer to that is no as I told my ex. I feel as though even though I was never physically in contact with my ex, this emotional feeling and constant thoughts of one another is worst an affair then the physical in some sense.

 

I am seriously thinking about counseling, because I don't know how else to really move on, as my head is a mess. But it has to be counseling on my own as I can't tell my husband about this. I just don't get it, how can I still be affected by someone so hard after 9 years that I have not even seen.

[Hope75]

I know I made the decision to marry my husband and I owe it to him and my child to try and make things work and I am really trying, but I know that deep down in my heart I can't forget about my ex.

 

Do really think you are trying all that hard to make things work with your husband while you are still obsessing over the ex?

 

What are you doing to work on your marriage?

 

Does your husband have any idea that you are unhappy?