Married with out sex

[lyd1]

I am a 33 yrs old atractive woman who has been married for two years. I have never had any childeren. My husband and I had great sex before we got married and since then it has turned into once or twice a month if im lucky. I have had several conversations with my husband about the fact that I want to have more sex. He tells me he is totally attracted to me but is just either tired or just not in the mood???? I find myself masterbating then feeling like " what the hell? I am a good looking slim woman why the hell am I doing this alone??" Is it normal to have such a non sex life? This is my second marriage. My 1st huby cheated on me and I really did not want to be a divorcee much less twice but my huby is now telling me he is sick of this problem and me telling him I want more....what should I do? Men tell me is this normal? Women tell me can you live with sex once every two months on average?

[lyd1]

He will say he is willing to go to counseling but we will never get there. I suggested getting a check up since he has acknowledged before he is not doing his part as a husband and claims he does not know why but he canceled all 5 yes 5 visits. He is stressed but so am I and sex for me is a destressor. I agree he has been open to talking about it he will promise things will get better, then we have sex and then it's back to no sex again. This is leaving me feeling less than and I know that is not healthy.

 

I told him divorce would be an option for us if this did not change due to I feel sex is very important. P.S. We do not share a bed due to he claims I snore and cant sleep with out the room being 60' we keep trying to fix these things and its just not working. We get along great otherwise we are great roomies and have fun together but I am feeling that is not enough.

 

If he say's he understands and things will change why don't they???

[lyd1]

ok I get it. Is it nuts to get a divorce because your not gettng enough sex? I mean how do I explain this reasoning to his family (very catholic) and our friends? I feel like the bad guy, like I should just get over this sex thing and deal....But meanwhile I know it's not just the sex, it's holding, lusting, knowing he is still "into" me. Other men are "into" me. And I know givin the opertunity I could be satisfied...I don't want to want to look elsewhere. My husband turns me on but If I can't have him what good is it?

 

I have gone back and forth so many times about just leaving him that I don't know if I am capable of making the right decision....

[Penny1041]

HI there,

I sincerely symathisize with you.I am pretty certain that I am at my sexual peak and sex is very important to me.

I just want to tell you that needing sex from your partner is nothing to be ashamed of, or feel like your asking too much.

Did you marry this guy so you could be roomates or good friends at best? Listen, you dont owe his family a deatiled explanation of why you divorced him. If that ever happened.

Here is my idea.. try and do new things to help him get in the mood, wear lingere and do romantic things like, take a bath with him, or go skinny dipping in the pool, just try and reignite that passion you had with him. You have to try and meet him half way. But if you try to spice things up and get no response, I think you sould consider leaving him, life is too short to settle for something that is not making you happy. I know it sonds harsh but, you shouldnt waste your time trying to accept something that you know you will never be content with.

[darkblue]

It's actually quite a common problem, and it works both ways. I also recommend you both going to relationship therapy.

 

Some people just have a lower sex drives than others.

 

Does he have a stressful job?

[sharkbait]

It sounds kinda weird to me but then what do i know at 19? lol im a virgin too ha

 

It just seems if he isn't giving you sex then u may be temptered to seek someone else to fulfill that need for you? I hope not..

 

I hope it all works out

[novaseeker]

A couple of possibilities:

 

- you could have incompatible sex drives and needs. Ther's nothing to be ashamed of about that, and everyone deserves to be in a relationship where their own needs are met and they are capable of satisfying their partner's needs.

 

- you could have incompatible sexualities: he could like things you don't and is ashamed to raise them, you could like things he doesnt but is ashamed to tell you, it can create the situation where people avoid sex.

 

- He could be stressed. I know you said that for you sex is a de-stressor, but it isnt for everyone. For me, if I'm stressed I have a VERY hard time getting into being sexual at all .. there are many many other things I would rather do when stressed than have sex, and he could be like that as well.

 

In ANY case, better communication is needed. Without it, things will not improve because you wont really learn what's at issue. Counseling would be good, but it takes two to tango. If your husband absolutely refuses to communicate about it, it may be hard. I do agree with one post that you would be better off not considering the attention you feel you are getting from other men ... it DOES lead to affairs, I have seen that in my own life.

[lyd1]

I really appreciate all the advise. I understand people have different sex drives and that there also could be something deeper going on that could be causing this non-sex issue. I feel like I have touched base on most of these issues so I tell myself, " ok I am going to wait for him and see how long he would actually go with out sex". I never make it. I always drop a hint or come on to him in one way or another then either get an empty promise like " ok baby this weekend, or tonight in the Jacuzzi" but this never happens. Sometimes when he expects me to do all the work during sex it also pisses me off. Like I wait all this time to be loved then he wants me to please him !!!AAAHHHH I need love and want to feel wanted not like it's all about pleasing him. There have been times where he is like "ok baby come over here and *&*^% and I straight out just said forget it. Now I know what your thinking but this would be after he has turned me down several times and it has been weeks or months that I am after him for sex. I mean If he was more willing to get it on I would deffinatly be more willing to do the him only thing once in a while.....