Is it possible to "shut off?"

[TiredMan]

My ex told me that after I made her feel like she didn't matter (by getting mad and walking away) the last time, she just "shut off." She says things like the only way we won't argue is if we both get brain transplants, when I bring up the idea that we involve a 3rd person (therapist). We hit rock bottom last night. Seems like when I express how I feel, she gets so frustrated that she does indeed "shut off like a switch" and get cold-ish.

 

We talked this morning and it was better. I talked about positive things about her (there are many). I personally just don't know how someone can feel one way so strongly for 8 years and then just shut off. She just doesn't want to argue anymore but is choosing to give up rather than really work on it. She keeps saying it shouldn't be this hard and that does hurt. I asked her "aren't I worth it though? I know you are", which gets silence.

 

I was talking for the last 30 minutes of our convo this morning only about things I used to look forward to about her that I never really went into details about before. One of her things was that I always complained about something and how she sometimes felt I didn't like anything about her. Well, I was talking continuously about this great things I felt about her and she was giggling and not confrontational, which is good. I wonder if this might "turn the switch back on?" I pray it does because I love her with all my heart.

 

Guess I'm venting a bit. Some might feel that I shouldn't do this much and do NC, but, the person she is deep down, behind this shield she sometimes put up (when hurt or defensive), is the sweetest, most caring person I have ever seen.

[kw1202]

Tired it is possible for someone to feel like that. It happens when a person doesn't want to deal with the feelings of what is happening. I know because I did the same thing to someone in my past. Everytime he wanted to talk about how he felt I would "shut-off" and yes I would get cold too. That was my way of trying to deal with the hurt. You said that last time you walked away. When that happened did you walk because of the a argument or because you broke up? See just like now you want her to stay and listen, maybe then she needed for you to stay and listen. She could be feeling like if she turns this on again that you could get mad and "walk away" again. Give her time don't push. Let her come to you and talk and when she does just listen. I don't know your whole story but sometimes we have to listen and not comment. Don't defend whatever she says just let her get it out in her own way. I say this because when my ex from my past did that it was so much easier for me to express how I felt without worrying about him commenting on every little thing. I hope things work out. Just be patient. good things come to those who wait and keep your head up

[TiredMan]

here is the story : link removed .

 

Basically she is complaining that we always are going to have arguments and it makes her go nuts. My response is that it takes two and she might want to change things about herself, as I am doing (like I am in therapy). When she got mad she said "i chose us not to be together because of you, I don't have to change anything" which I thought was very unfair. Yes, I walked away before during arguments saying I didn't want to be together. It was frustration because she would do something, I would tell her it's bothering me, and she always had to defend it. Something I am in therapy for and I haven't done it even once since we broke up though she has been cruel and cold and defensive, I have held it in check thankfully.

 

I also know she is afraid and also mad and also tired of it. But I mean after 8 years, you just give up on a relationship like that? When I mentioned therapy, she gave me the brain transplant line. It's been a bit over 2 months now and every day is torture. She literally went from one day saying I am everything to her and all that, then 2 days later, not a word like that? My mind just doesn't comprehend that.

 

I'm trying so hard...

[kw1202]

I'm speaking from experience. If she has in her mind it's over then you might want to put it in your head too because if you do get back together it will always be up and down. I'm speaking this from a previous 10yr relationship. You and him were on the same page from what I'm reading and her and I were alike. Him and I tried and tried and argued and argued. Only thing that happened was I realized more and more everyday how I didn't want to be with him and would only accept him as a friend. We went through months on NC and still in the end I only wanted to be around him for comfort but the minute he started saying anything about us then we were right back where we started. Do yourself a favor and start backing away. I know that you want to be with her but you have too back off some. I know you don't want to hear that but if she is not willing to go to counseling then it's not going to work because in my opinion this is bigger then both of you. You need someone to help sort out what's going on. My ex has done everything he could to try to make things work and even though I love him I don't want to be with him. If you can, slowly start to let go and heal yourself, because if your ex feels like I do then there is nothing you can say or do to get this relationship back. Let's hope that's not the case.

[TiredMan]

I can't just shut off my feelings. The emotional state I am in and have been my whole life, I remember every bad thing that has happened to me since being a child and those bad memories haunt me all the time. So letting go is not really an option.

 

I just don't understand how it can shut off.

[BlueOrchids]

tiredman, you say:

The emotional state I am in and have been my whole life, I remember every bad thing that has happened to me since being a child and those bad memories haunt me all the time. So letting go is not really an option.

 

if you want to move forward, you have to stop looking back, in regards to your "ex" and to the bad things that have happened...

it is not possible to shut your feelings off, but it is possible to be so fed up with someones baggage and struggling to get along that you may start to view the relationship differently. i have seen it with one of my goodfriends, and have been on the receiving end as well {ur end}

feelings can change, and no it does not happen over nite, it is something that slowly happens and eventually becomes so big that it must be addressed. that is why to you it comes off as "shut off"...it has probably been bothering her for awhile now. if she didnt think you were worth it, she would have given up along time ago...8 yrs. is quite a long time to fight for something. somthings you must accept, wether you understand them or not.....feelings and how other people work, thats not black and white, and all we can really do is hypothesise about the reasons and the whys.... maybe you should have said the positive things a long time ago...Maybe there is still hope, but there is nothing you can do to manipulate someones feelings, they do or they dont...she will make that decision, do not push anymore...let it be for now, take a breather

[kw1202]

Tiredman maybe you should get some counseling by yourself. It seems as though you need help understanding YOUR own feelings. If it's meant to be it will. It's obvious she still loves you because you guys are still talking, but you gotta get control of your own feelings and emotions first. Let go of some of those things from your past. You have to forgive either yourself or whoever has done things to you in order for you to heal. Letting go is a option especially if you want to make things better. Take care of YOU first and once that's done maybe you can work on your relationship.

[TiredMan]

I am in counseling already.

 

I can understand if these thoughts were there for some time, but over 8 years, she never ONCE mentioned even thinking about leaving. All throughout she would tell me she is still in puppy love with me from the first year to the last. I remember she was very sad and I was asking her what I could do, she said it didn't have to do with me. When we stopped talking, THEN it hit her that it was us. How could I have addressed it if she wasn't telling me?

 

I have never been able to forgive myself or anyone for hurt. I want to but it just doesn't happen.

[kw1202]

Your going to have to learn how to forgive. Your right you can't address it if she doesn't tell you. Maybe she has things she needs to work out within herself. I know you don't want to but take some time off from this. Easier said then done ,but like I said work on you. Your going in circles. You can only address one thing at a time you can't "fix" this if you haven't "fixed" you. Trust me on this. You can't keep beating yourself up (because whether you realize it or not you are) about this. Work on you and then maybe you can understand your relationship better.

[TiredMan]

Like I said, I want to forgive but I have not been able to forgive. I have been wronged by my parents, my best friends. It's just crazy how bad these people have been. I'm just such a kind person when it comes to people I care about. I will give anything I have for people and they will just take advantage.

 

The problem with taking time off from this is that I have nothing to do in the meantime because of the above reason. I am a huge sports nut and I can't bear to watch on TV anymore. I still play sports and weight train but the sports thing is only on weekends and not all day and will end with the summer.

 

I'm working on me by going to therapy and trying to be honest with myself. That's about all i can handle right now unfortunately.