How long do you wait?

[TiredMan]

Check in my profile to read my story in detail.

 

Anyway, if you were with someone for like 7.5 years and it ended, because she just couldn't take your emotional reactions, how long do you take the "wait and see" while friends but not together? I feel so betrayed because I'm not a mean person, just one with a lot of problems that she knows about. She also has her own problems that shape her behavior and it does frustrate me but I'm still here. She is at the "we are best friends and wait and see" about the rest. I just feel like with everyday we don't talk, or we are not together, I start resenting her more. I know was out of line about me temper when hurt, but at the same time, she has her own things that she never addressed while I am in therapy.

 

I love her with all my heart but I am very resentful about it. Don't know what to do. I have no urge to ever be with anyone else. Not that I don't think I would (which is the case too) but I truly don't want to. I never liked dating and did not want to ever think about that again.

[GettingOverIt]

Therapy right now should be about you and only you. Get your issues squared away, and then you will be able to more objectively deal with your issues as related to your ex's. You will never be able to deal with your ex's issues. they are hers.

 

As for the 'wait and see' game, you wait as long as you are willing to wait. You do not have to play that game. You are your own person, free to move on or not as you see fit and as you are mentally/emotionally able to. I hate this expression, but all you have is Time... Time is the only true cure for any kind of heartache. How much time? that is different for everyone....

 

If you are in therapy because SHE wanted you to go, or you are in it FOR HER, then you are in it for the wrong reasons. You either do it to make yourself better, or you get out. I have been in therapy "FOR" someone else's sake before, and it never solved the core issues....

[TiredMan]

No, she didn't suggest the therapy. I went because of 3 reasons. 1) I was going nuts after this situation. 2) To deal with my own issues from childhood. 3) To deal with the situation with her. They are all part of it.

 

I know it's my decision how long to hold on but it's so painful. But I do love her. I also know she is scared. She's not a spiteful person at all. Just easily scared. And everytime I got frustrated and walked away, it would hurt her and it built. But at the same time, she did stuff like be defensive any time I mentioned something she did hurt me. So it was like a no win situation.

[GettingOverIt]

I was seeing a woman who was a lot like that... In the end, we broke things off... We cared very deeply for each other, but we saw that no matter how far along things might go, there were always these walls we would build to prevent each other from hurting each other... I miss her deeply. We still talk every once in a while, though I think about her at different points throughout the day.... Sometimes the best thing is to let go, even though we so desparately want to hang on....

 

"Sometimes letting go is the same as being strong...." - Joe Cucker, Letting Go (misspelled because of profanity filter)

 

My heart goes out to you, man....

[TiredMan]

Then you end up living with regret, which for someone like me, is torture. I have had breakups when in love before. This is different. This is 8 years worth where we shared everything. And we still love each other and no oe cheated or wanted to. If it was those things, I would just be hurt. She keeps telling me to "give her time" where she won't be so mad at me still. She can't tell me if she'll let us be together but still. I know what I did but I also feel like she did stuff too. Not to mention, I don't believe in giving up after that much committment without exhausting every option.

 

It's brutal for me to be honest.

[melrich]

Hi TiredMan, 8 years is a long relationship and obviously the end of the realtionship is difficult to come to terms with.

 

i don't know the intricacies of your situation but I think you have to try and develop a mindset that she will not change her mind.

 

I just think that after 8 years she will still love you very much and be very wary of hurting you, she may be trying to ease you down gently with lines like "wait and see".

 

As hard as it is I think you should try and approach the next day of the rest of your life with the attitude she is not coming back and do all the things you need to do to heal (which unfortunately may take a very long time).

[TiredMan]

I doubt she would try to let me down easy. She always worries about me. I also know she is VERY afraid. I mean she has definitely opened up more from the first month. I mean she actually saw me a week ago. But at the same time, I just feel like she should come around already. I don't know if I really have the right to say it though. I know that if she always got upset and didn't talk to me for a month, I would go nuts too. You know what i mean?

[melrich]

But at the same time, I just feel like she should come around already.

 

Well as I said, I don't know the intricacies. Try not to color what you think she might be thinking with your dreams and hopes.

 

A month is not really that long a time after such a long relationship.

[TiredMan]

Well we got in an argument the beginning of june. I blew her off and didn't call her again for a month. Yes, I know that is wrong but that was just what I was doing. I have since worked on it and continue to do so. Anyway, it's been like this since July 8th or so. It's very up and down in that she is same, then gets scared of getting hurt. But I just feel like why can't she forgive me when I am trying so hard, and I am not a cruel person, just easily hurt? I know they both hurt but one shows intent. I am so opposite of someone who wants to hurt until I'm hurt, then I used to blow up. I use the past tense because it hasn't happened since june since I have been working so hard at it. And I have been tested many times.

 

I am a firm believer in being honest. Not the "don't tell her how hurt you are" stuff because she has no problems being honest with me. We have always just let it out there. When I hold back, I feel so horrible. Or when there comes a time we aren't able to talk, I feel bad too because my mind is my own worst enemy. Same with her.

 

Ugh this stinks.