are girls manipulative or is it me?!

[activelife81]

i've been in a long-distance relationship with my girl now for about 9 months. we've met and everything...its all real, the love, the feelings, everything...we are pretty serious about each other and very committed so just consider this a "normal" relationship with true feelings ok?...heres my situation....

 

now, i have only been with about 5 different girls in my life and each one has been manipulative in some way...one tried to use her emotions to get me to buy stuff for her all the time, another faked loving me in hopes of sex and then ditched me when i wouldnt give her any, and another was ok at first but then when we broke up she tried talking about our old relationship and pushing my buttons to make me feel guilty....the 4th girl i never got close enough to but she was pretty straightforward with me.

 

now, its understandable that people would be manipulative with someone they dont love too much...someone they only want one thing from (sex, money, emotional support, etc) but WHY WOULD A GIRL SO THIS TO THE ONE SHE LOVES?! my current girlfriend (who i talked about in the 1st paragraph- long distance) seems to be trying to make me jealous or keep me on a short leash and make sure that i'm wanting her...she does this by not returning my calls for like 24 hours at a time...and then saying she forgot to tell me that she was busy or whatever....which is bull because it only takes about 30 seconds to make a phone call and let me know if shes gonna be out or home tonight.

 

so finally i figure "fine then, she doesnt wanna make the effort to keep in touch except at her convenience? then i will give her what she wants...i wont call her either"....so then i shut off my cell phone, dont answer her messages, and dont answer the phone for a while and she GOT ALL UPSET and wanted to know what MY problem is!!!!! HOW DO GIRLS HAVE MORE BALLS THAN GUYS WHEN IT COMES TO THAT STUFF?!!! they can sit there and act like they did nothing and that you are the one in the wrong....when you know for sure they are the one acting wrong.

[caliboy]

i dated a girl who's manipulative for a year and half. just get away from her. i'm pretty sure there are girls out there who aren't like that, but it sounds like the girl you're with now and who you've been with in the past are nothing but problems.

[RedWolf]

I agree with caliboy. Run! Run far far away! It's not worth the stress believe me!

[segagirl]

Oh you. I so know you....you are letting her call you at two in the a.m

Hi! Well I think you have to be understanding that you are at some distance in regards to location, so she has a right to go on about her life. She may not be doing anything other than living, having the confidence that you and she are strong in what you have ...which means she does not need to be calling every two hours...

the reason she is upset is because you did not talk to her on purpose. And you know the us girls demand to have what we want when we want it, its the princess factor, got nothing to do with manipulation.

[tobigahart]

In this case I would say manipulative is a bit too harsh. Alot of girls can just be insecure and they will feel the need to make you want them. They want to feel needed, they want to feel special, she may just want to hear from you that it upsets you when she ignores you. And yes, segagirl is right when she says girls must have what they want when they want it *sigh* aren't they cruel to us?

As a solution, don't play her games with her (you ignoring her cause she is you) as this will lead straight to disaster. What you need to do it talk to her and tell her you are unhappy when she does not reply. Either she'll say sorry, realise how much you like her, and then make a effort to respond to you sooner OR she'll think your being stupid and not agree to do anything in which case you're better off finding out what she's really like now rather than later.

If you're still on the forums lets us know how things work out...

Good luck

[dfcannon]

Oh, man, run away from this ice woman! I've been through that stuff before and am always relieved when it's over. Women are not all like that, but women are all adept at the emotional carrots and sticks and everything else...they do it to each other first in junior high, get really good at it, and then turn it on men. lol

 

What I really admire about you is that you see it and did the exact, appropriate thing by "unplugging" her...now follow through and dump her first, and find a cool girl, because there are a lot of awesome girls out there.

[SwingFox]

Hi to ActiveLife and everyone else reading this,

 

I am sorry to hear what you are going through, activelife. I understand that you have questions about commitment and how things are being used against you at someone else's convenience.

 

My suggestion is more a little general and does not relate directly to your question. I think that you are pretty at the beginning of your relationship after 9 months. So far everything has been great, new and ducky. There's been deep love and understanding for each other. It appears that now you are getting to know each other REALLY good.

 

First of all: the basic of humanity is difference. Every person in this world differs from someone else, either by looks or by act. Interest, skills, feelings and emotion differ from person to person. In a relationship two committed persons will have to bring offers. It's very usual that you compromize. However, before you do, you will have to have a set of standards. What is acceptable for me and what isn't. If you find something in your other half that you find definetely not acceptable, it's a good thing to talk about it and let the other know how it makes you feel bad and sad. It's up to the other person to compromize or not. If not, wouldn't it be better to let go (assuming that the difference is impossible to overcome).

 

To draw this to your example: this young woman does not return your calls as quick as you'd like to. It drives you nutts and makes you feel insecure. So, there's a difference between you and her. My suggestion based on what I have explained earlier would be: try to compromize and see what the possibilities are. Is it really that important to you and impossible to compromize on? It might be better to draw consequences then.

 

I hope that this helped you and I wish you good luck. I hope that things will work out the way you have them planned.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[dfcannon]

Let me be more specific, because the moderator makes a good point about learning to work with differences, but I also wonder if his response is culturally biased by the fact that he's in the Netherlands (I've been there) and may be dealing with the same gender, but not the same social climate between men and women (i.e., widespread anti-male bias). The fact is, her unwillingness to return phone calls promptly, despite your feelings about it, and her excuses about being too "busy," which is a classic line we men hear in the United States, are very insensitive to you, particularly because for a long-distance relationship,b/c those phone calls are a big chunk of the...what's the word, structure?...of the whole relationship. So, by continuing to not be responsive or suggest compromises, she shows a certain iciness that I find troubling, based on plenty of past experience. I think you should trust your instincts and look inside yourself to what's really going on...if you do that and still think she's giving you a line, then move on. Long distance is hard enough.

[annagladys]

Do everything in your power to do what is right in this situation. If she does something that is weird- like not returning calls, shutting phone off, etc. TELL her how you feel about it- why it bothers you- and that you just want her to know this is how you feel so that your relationship can improve (DON"T SAY IT IN A DIRECT MANNER

 

You can control this situation because she evidently cares- all you must do is shift your behavior in a positive way to get the response you want. If you always do the right thing in every situation- you will KNOW that her manipulation is true and that the situation isn't being influenced by your behavior at all. If she isn't a true person, you'll find this out in the process ( if you respond perfectly every time and she keeps this and other weird behavior going on- you know not to trust). I can help you plan responses to her behavior (although choosing the right behave is usually pretty easy if you plan it out). This is in a sense rational emotive tactics from Ellis

 

I am a psychologist- and although i have a great degree of problems dealing with my ex- your situation is easier to manage since the person isn't malignant towards you and is only doing small things. Unfortunately for me- I was already attached before manipulation began- and this guy cares too little now to respond in any way I wish (he depends on me 0 percent- so this is distinguishes how he treats me).