What kind of sickness is it? When will I feel better again?

[venus777]

I wonder if my ex has some kind of disorder. I feel that I'm left totally wounded and hurt and he doesn't even realize the magnitude of the damage he's done because he denies most of it or has some reasoning for it. I feel like that's how I put up with it so much was his reasoning behind it.

 

I feel horrible, crying at least once a day, though there are days where I don't and I'm too busy to think about it. But I definitely still think about him every day. Today I put his gifts to me in his mailbox, a move that I feel confused about. I know that in part I do it to make him feel bad, but I also do it because I sincerely feel like he may actually mean that the relationship didn't mean anything to him and thus that everything he said about loving me was a lie. It really hurts a ton. It also hurts that we can't talk to each other because it's just cruel interactions every time. I've never had any experience like this before with anyone, and while I had a big falling out with another ex, it was never like this.

 

The sad thing for me is that this is the second time I've been with someone who criticizes me so regularly, criticizes the way I interact and talk with other people or with them, basically knocking my self-esteem on a regular basis. The thing is that with my other ex he recognizes what he did that was messed up, it took him a little while to see it, but he was open to hearing my side, prior to that everything was just considered to be my fault, everything. Now he says that it was mostly his fault (though I think the blame in that case is on both of us).

 

This ex-boyfriend, however, had me believing that I was really messed up because how I reacted to very bizarre things he would do. For a very minor example: one time he called me twice and emailed me saying he wanted to hang out that night. When I called him, he did not respond or call me back. I lived next door to him at the time and I SAW him in his kitchen. He just IGNORED me. When I called him confused about why he didn't call me back, he got mad saying that he didn't have to as we hadn't actually agreed on anything concretely. Thus, I had lots of problems and he had none.

 

That's a minor example, but important nonetheless. Like once we went to an event on a weekend. He called me up right before to ask me if I had any problems with him and I said no. He said that he wanted to know if I was sure I wanted to come? And that he wanted to be sure that we were going as individuals and not as a couple. Odd, no? And then that night, some girl started trying to hit on him and he just stood there not responding and later was mad that I didn't do anything about it and didn't dance closer to him or something and saying he'd been tempted to dance with her, that it was like she was saying to him that if I wasn't going to do something then she would. Another time we went out, there was absolutely NO PDA, not even a hand on my shoulder or around my waist even for a split second and the whole way home he kept talking about how the singer looked like an Egyptian goddess and joking about her with this other guy. And then when I got upset about it, I was accused of being overly jealous!!

 

He said all sorts of things in other cases, about how he could get some other p***y in the city, for example. He swore at me in the store because I didn't want to argue about how I'd given some unillicited advice about plastic cords he was buying. He got mad that I was cooking too slow. He told me to go home because I left the door open to his room when I went to the bathroom. He got mad that I smiled at his housemate and I was more comfortable with him or something. He got mad at me because he thought I was checking out the waiter when I didn't even see he was there and when I said I wasn't he got angry. He got upset that I started part of the movie we'd already seen while I was waiting for him. He got mad for me getting sad when he got exagerratedly mad at me, calling me the "victim". He got mad because I didn't move my legs for him when walking by (there was lots of room to get around). He got mad because I listened to rap and I'm not black. He got mad that I didn't hide a used q-tip.

 

He wanted to break up with me, and then when I said o.k. he called me up and asked me questions to explain myself. He said he still wanted to be with me. The next day was his birthday. He called me up the next day and said "I'm leaving in five minutes". I said "aren't you going to ask me if I can be ready in five minutes". And he was like "it's my birthday, I don't have to ask you. You think you have all this power now." He would talk about how he cheated on his ex-girlfriend, excusing it that it was because it was a boring relationship, but then get mad at me for being insecure that he might do the same thing to me.

 

Whenever he'd admit that he loved me or cared about me, it became about power for him. He projected onto me, wanting to "take me down a notch" for him having to ask for me back. He would apologize for things and then later on minimize their effects.

 

It's just crazy, I mean literally the list goes on and on and on. And I'm so hurt by it that I like you probably have to go to a therapist because it's so crazy that I would let someone treat me like that and find a way to rationalize it even in my own mind!! It really is very painful

 

He had all sorts of crazy outbursts. He would get soooo mad and call me racist and say I have a small mind and I'm unattractive and that sex isn't any good (even though at the end he kept wanting to have sex with me when we weren't together anymore) and that I couldn't add one plus one, that I'm not qualified for my job, that I talk slow like I'm mentally retarded, etcetera, etcetera. He's yelled at me soooooooo much, dropped me off reasonably far from my house (for letting a water bottle roll off the seat of the car) and then came back to get me just to yell at me for crying on the side of the street.

 

Agh... as I write this, part of me wants to email it to his housemate who thinks that there is something wrong with me because I sent an angry email to him ONCE. It's true, that I felt suicidal one night and wanted to kill myself. He'd convinced me that so many things were wrong with me and I felt like I was worthless. Whenever I was strong he wanted to break me down to make me cry and then be there to comfort me. I noticed this particularly strongly one night, when he stayed far away from me until he was crying. He'd even say that he didn't want to hang out with me after we broke up because I might act more confident. It's just weird and twisted, really sick. And I cry every day over him. Isn't it ridiculous. How does one possibly heal from this?

 

I know this is long, I just needed to vent, I just feel so resentful and bitter and I know people don't want to listen to all this. It just hurts.

[SexySadie7]

This situation reminds me alot of a bunch of posts that another girl poster wrote.. i would say her name .. but don't think it's my place to....

She found out her bf was narcisstic..and that's why he had all these personality disorders.. including lack of conscience..

Don't feel alone.. alot of us have been in these emotionally damaging/abusive relationships.

I'm thinking of therapy myself.. because i just want to get ME back also!

They are very draining emotionally. ... these type of people and don't you tend to think that they give back very little in return?

[skyjuice]

Hi venus777,

 

It is good to express yourself here and tell your story.

It could see as a healing process.

My sister has some mental problem--unable to differentiate between what is real and what is not real. She went to see doctor and take medication.

 

It is possible that your ex is suffering from self-esteem problem.

He always tried to make you look bad to boast his ego.

He is not happy with his life, thereforeeee it would affect you when you were his partner.

 

It would be better heal yourself first, go through therapy. And do no contact. After you have fully recover, then decide whether you want help your ex. For one to help others, one must help oneself first.

[temperamental_taurus]

Hi Venus, that would be me... the girl posting about Narcissism...

 

Go to this website and read everything you can... make the decision for yourself:

 

link removed

 

I don't know your whole story but some of the things you are saying ring true.

 

If you have any questions - let me know.

 

*hugs*

 

-Temp

[SexySadie7]

Thanks Tempermental.. you are so helpful.. Yeah... i read her post and just started to think about one of your posts where you were listing all the bad stuff you ex did to you too...

Sounds familiar doesn't it? There were quite a few things in there that rang a bell with guy i dated too..

It's really crippling to your self esteem to be involved with this type of person.. is it not?

I may go back and look at that website too.. after reading orig. poster's posts.. i'm starting to believe that Narcissism may be WELL what my ex was suffering from too..

The whole NO conscience thing.. really rings true!

He NEVER seemed to be sorry if he did anything wrong....ever!

One time he told me that when he was a teenager he was driving a friend's car when they ran into a car while driving too fast and completely totalled the car he smashed into! He never even left a note or anything..... when i said that wasn't right.. he just retorted.. well.. the guy probably has insurance on it anyway!!!

Does that sound like a narcissitic person Tempermental?

[venus777]

It really doesn't sound like him. He doesn't have too many grandiose ideas, though he did tell me once that he wanted to be a "spiritual teacher". He made me really uncomfortable. Once he wanted to break up with me and I said that I wanted to have a chance to get to know him on a deeper level, but couldn't really describe what I meant, he seemed to think that I wanted him to bring me some kind of enlightenment or something.

 

But in general, he doesn't seem to have super grandiose ideas of himself, those were the only ones.

 

I actually did copy that posting and send it to his housemate. I know I shouldn't care what his housemate thinks, but I just felt like I might as well. I'm sort of nervous my ex will find out I did that and just EXPLODE at me about it (naturally). Probably his housemate will just think I'm a jerk for sending him that info or something. It's so weird the whole thing.

[temperamental_taurus]

Keep in mind Narcissists don't have to display ALL of the traits - mine didn't have GRANDIOSE ideas either, really - but it was more like a grandiose sense of self or "entitlement" - that he could do whatever he wanted to whoever he wanted because he didn't care about others' feelings. You didn't move your legs DID YOU as he was walking by???

 

What struck me is the blaming, the games, the cutting you down, breaking you down, the outburts over practically NOTHING, accusing you, getting mad at you for "cooking to slow", getting mad because you got upset that he HURT you, claiming you're insecure, or him having to take you down a notch, you feeling suicidal.

 

I'd suggest you do a little more research my dear and not just go off that list. There are many links included on that site... What you are describing sounds all too familiar.

 

Either way - it's an ABUSIVE relationship - leave it alone.

 

-Temp.

[CAJUNGIRL36]

i had some of the very same things happen to me -in april we had owe 6 yr dating anniversary- then he got into a fight with my uncle- to whom i still havent spoken to and he broke up with me 2 days after that-- to this all happened in 7 days- i moved out on june15, but we were still sleeping together--- now i know it was a big mistake- so far he's been with this 23 old trash- who now he has stopped seeing and admitted she was trash-- why cant they see it - like we do? he was always punishing me when we dateded for things i said-- then we'd be at the lake on the boat and drinking- he yell at me telling me tha i cussed out every body on the lake an started fights with my friends-- after a while i started to " catch on" an i confronted one of my friends at the campsight that night- i asked her --in front of him----" so did you and i get into a fight today? see looked at me like i was crazy-- and said NO- then i just looked at him as if i had caught on to his crap-- i had had a few beers that day- but i remember everything too-- it took me a long time to catch on to him- but this stuff didnt start until we were dating around 2yrs-- over the last yr i have had a lot of anger towards him- and refused to put up with his crap-- i even started looking for a place to live in jan-2005-- but i just never had the guts to leave him---"i always thought it would get better" we always got along--never really had any fights- now i'm all screwed up in the head and i m going to a shrink in sept--- all i do is cry and get mad- and i'm having a hard time dealing with life right now-- hopefully i can get my head on straight after all of his brainwashing me.

[venus777]

Yeah- it's weird. I sent that stuff to his housemate and he didn't even validate his actions as being abusive, just talking about how we're all just trying to work things out.

 

Weird.

 

But yeah, I plan on staying away and have no plans of ever talking to him again...

 

It seems like he has a mean person disorder? do they have that in the DSM? lol.

 

But yeah, I'll check it out some more. He definitely has *something* *seriously* wrong with him.

[SexySadie7]

A "mean person disorder"... LOL... yup.. that sounds like my ex too...

I mean.. he was really nice at first but he could come up with such hurtful cutting remarks!!!

He cut my self-esteem to ribbons too.. and we really didn't spend ALL that much time together.. i've never ever dated a guy like him....

I thought when i first met him that he should of had therapy because.. although he was really and kind at first.. he had alot of "issues" to deal with and he wasn't seeming to be doing so well on his own..

He drank and smoked pot alot... every weekend was party to him.. and he had 2 kids to take care of too.. one full time and a much younger child on the weekends...

shoot.. it was strange but he didn't even seem like a dad...! i know he loved his kids but with all that partying... how could he take care of a teenager?

He would tell me that he could send his kid away if I wanted to come over!! I was thinking.. geez.. you wanna send your kid off like they are a bag of laundry? I could have come over when the teenager was there but he never seemed to want that...

After all the garbage he put me through I'm thinking that talking to a therapist wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.. just to get my head back on straight.

Gosh. I've been thru some stuff with guys before.. but NONE of them have me feel like I'd be requiring therapy after I'd been with him

... What a headtrip he was!!

So.. tempermental.. you are saying that not all the items on that list must be fulfilled.. how many have to be on the list to qualify for a narcissitic?

Are there groups out there to help you deal with these kind of people in real life?

It would be cool if we cud deal with stuff together IRL... nothing is as good for the soul as being with some kindred spirits who've gone thru same problems.

Well... good luck to y'all...

YOu sound like you are doing well tempermental.. that's great news...

[venus777]

you know i checked out the message board and read a couple of the stories there, a couple of them really resonated with me, one in particular where a woman said that he didn't even like her as a human being.

 

That's funny because I felt the same way and I told my ex that in the future I would date someone that at least liked me and he said that he was sad when I said that because he did like me.

 

I really feel terrible every day that we can't end things on some kind of nice note at least. I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if at least he would say that he realizes he is abusive and not just the really mean things, but even the small nitpicky things were messed up.

 

I kept thinking tonight of calling him and telling him I'm sad that things are this bad between us.

 

Help me not do that.

[dstanzler]

Hey Venus... my ex is like your boyfriend. Don't blame yourself. Its sounds like a form of depression and instability. And I know that from several shrinks. UGH I miss her too =/.

 

Love,

Dave