How many heartbreaks can one heart take?

[volution]

It feels like I get my heart broken on a weekly basis now...

 

Last night I went to pieces again, cutting myself, smashing up some of my things. I had been conversing with a lovely spiritual woman, an artist, who believes deeply in the same things as I do, but I don't think she even wanted to be friends with me, she already had enough. I can't understand this, but I tried to tell her about my problems with continual abandoments and betrayals by people and how it affects me, but she says 'I have to be alone' to heal. It is true that I have things to resolve within myself, as I have been deeply hurt, and continue to be so by things like this happening. But I would have dearly loved to have even just a friend, but it seems like even that will not happen now...

 

I don't have any friends to talk to, other than a couple of token work-colleagues who most are quite arrogant. I have no-one I can confide in who understands and believes in the things I do.

It is so incredibly lonely, most people can never understand what I'm going through...

And people keep saying "Oh, you're meet someone" and all this crap, but the fact is, I'm cursed. I don't know how or why.

Each time I try to reach out, I've failed - I've been betrayed or cheated.

 

If I can't even get a FRIEND - what point is there in bothering with life at all?

[RayKay]

Maybe she felt too much pressure to be a friend when you were telling her of your betrayals and so on.

 

Friendship too is reciprocal, if she felt somehow she had to worry about letting you down, and always being there for you before a friendship was even established, it may have pushed her away.

 

To me, if someone tells me "how they are always abandoned" and dwells on it, it comes off as a bit scary and needy...like they are looking at me to carry their past and change that all for them or be their rescuer. Thats a BIG burden for most people to carry. And not a reasonable one either - she is right in that you yourself need to heal and find your own inner strength.

 

By saying most can never understand, you are alienating yourself. The fact is there are experiences others have gone through YOU may not understand, however people can have empathy, even if they do not KNOW from experience, your experiences are no better nor no worse than others, as everyones experiences are relative to THEM and their situation. However, if you are starting talking about this early on, realize that most people do not have the capacity to HELP you, you need a therapist, or professional treatment especially given suicidal thoughts.

 

As long as you believe you are cursed and alone, you will remain that way...because it takes a strong, complete individual to be able to be a friend or partner for someone else. Your salvation does not come from another person, it comes from within yourself.

[BellaDonna]

had been conversing with a lovely spiritual woman, an artist, who believes deeply in the same things as I do, but I don't think she even wanted to be friends with me, she already had enough. I can't understand this, but I tried to tell her about my problems with continual abandoments and betrayals by people and how it affects me, but she says 'I have to be alone' to heal. It is true that I have things to resolve within myself, as I have been deeply hurt, and continue to be so by things like this happening. But I would have dearly loved to have even just a friend, but it seems like even that will not happen now...

 

It sounds like you give too much of yourself to others too soon. Try focusing on the positives when you first meet someone. Then after you establish some rapore and trust, you can begin to confide more in them. If you let them in too soon, you risk getting hurt further.

 

don't have any friends to talk to, other than a couple of token work-colleagues who most are quite arrogant. I have no-one I can confide in who understands and believes in the things I do.

It is so incredibly lonely, most people can never understand what I'm going through...

 

What you're going through is deep. The average person that you meet is likely not going to be able to relate to it, and you may continue to feel disappointed. It will become a vicious cycle. If there are issues within yourself that are unresolved, my best advice would be to seek out someone who can actually help. In this case, since you seem to be depressed, I would suggest talking to a counselor. Once you resolve the issues within, you will be better equipped to form the types of friendships and relationship you are seeking socially.

 

I'm cursed

 

This type of perception of the world will likely push others away from you.

 

One of my favorite quotes of all time is:

 

Attitudes are contagious. Is yours worth catching?

 

 

BellaDonna

[volution]

Perhaps I didn't make myself clear enough...

 

The depression etc. that I have been suffering for a long time is due to the fact that I'm unable to even get a friend, let alone something more.

 

I've been to the hospital...

I've been to the counsellor...

I've been to the doctor...

 

I'm just so at my wits end I don't know anymore, and I don't care about anything anymore...

 

I can only see the same thing continuing on and on until I die or take my own life.

Each time I try my best to get out of my depression, and try and have a little hope, I'm kicked right back into the gutter...

[Minty80]

It's a vicious cycle (which I think was said already), because you feel depressed without friends and then you get a friend but you drop too much on them too early and put to much pressure on them too quickly so you end up depressed because the friendship ended.

 

It's basically impossible to have a friendship with someone when there is that much pressure. You can't expect other people to be responsible for your happiness which is what you are doing. When you learn to be okay with yourself, when you stop depending on others to bring you happiness, then you will have friends.

 

Personally, I couldn't take any of my friends, even my closest ones, depending on me entirely for their happiness. Of course, I will be there for them when they are having a hard time, and they can always depend on me to help, but if they depended on my friendship to be happy I would end up withdrawing.

 

The only way you are going to end up making and keeping friends is two-fold. Meet people and try just to have a good time with them. Keep the topics enjoyable and interesting and don't lay out to much of yourself. Never ever tell them how they are responsible for your happiness. At the same time try to see another professional. You aren't depressed because you have no friends you have no friends because you are depressed. I know you say otherwise, but from being involved in friendships with a person who said the exact same things you have I can tell you with certainty that isn't the case. What you are saying is the same as an alcoholic who says they drink because they are lonely. No, being lonely isn't the problem, the drinking causes the being lonely. If you were depressed only because you didn't have friends than once you made a friend you would be able to have a normal, non-pressuring friendship with them.

[BellaDonna]

I think Minty80 offers some really great advice. I agree 100%. It IS indeed a vicious cycle.

 

It seems like what happened in your post might be what happnes in social situations.

 

1.) You reach out to others.

 

2.)They may engage in friendly conversation, and in the case of the post, offer advice.

 

3.) You do not like what they have to say. You bring it right back to the negative, and use circular reasoning:

 

Perhaps I didn't make myself clear enough...

 

The depression etc. that I have been suffering for a long time is due to the fact that I'm unable to even get a friend, let alone something more

 

If your response to the posts is anything like your response to actual social situations, then you may be chasing people away with the negativity.

 

I've been to the hospital...

I've been to the counsellor...

I've been to the doctor...

 

In these cases, have you followed through with your suggested treatment plan 100%?

 

Or have you ingored their advice and resorted back to thinking:

 

most people can never understand what I'm going through...

 

I'm cursed

 

I've been betrayed or cheated

 

No counselor or doctor can help you until you truly want to help yourself. They are just agents of change- but the actual change has to come from within you. If you constantly tell yourself that everyone is out to get you and that you are cursed and cheated by the world- you are bascially saying you have no control over your own happiness. That could not be further from the truth. You control your own destiny. Until you get past feeling self-pity, helplessness, and hopelssness, you will not be able to form healthy social relationships.

 

You are depressed. A depression of this magnitude is the result of much more than simple lack of friendship. You are cutting yourself, having suicidal ideations, etc. There is something inside of you that needs to be addressed/ Forming friendships and relationships is not the cure for it. This discontent inside needs to be addressed by YOU. Until you realize that you control your own happiness, you will not improve.

 

I think you shoudl try seeking professional help again. this time- you'll need to realize that the professionals cannot help you unless you are willing to work with them to improve. Once you get a handle on what's going on inside- and realize that friends and women are not your cure, but that you are your cure, your confidence and self-worth will increase and you will be a more desirable person to enter a relationship with. Once the negative cloud over you is gone, you will be someone that draws others to you instead of pushing them away.

 

All the best,

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

Fantastic post Belladonna....what I was getting at, but you put it all much more eloquently.

 

Volution, she is right, you are indeed the creator of your own destiny, while people are there to provide advice and ideas - such as therapists - you yourself ARE responsible for change. I would also agree that you do not have friends because you are depressed. Honestly, think about it, would you want to be around someone whom felt they were cursed, depressed, alone in the world, a victim? And I mean answer honestly - most people would NOT want to be around that, because it brings US down.

 

Friends indeed are there to support, cheer on, and love one another, and when times are rough are a shoulder to cry on, an ear to hear, and maybe a guiding hand...however a friend is not a crutch. They cannot bear all your worldly problems, as they have their own. Eventually they feel themselves taken advantage of, sucked of energy - emotional vampirism. As I said early, friendships are reciprocal. How can they count on you when times are bad for them, when you are too depressed on your own?

 

If you were depressed because you had no friends...Bella is right...as soon as you started a friendship you would not be confessing all your depressions, loneliness, dependencies, you would be happy - happy to know more about them, happy to enjoy things as they come...

 

You need to work on getting into the right state of mind and health before a true friendship could occur.