Break up ... Please Help

[Cindy11]

I would love to hear your opinion on how men handle breakups vs. women. Most women are absolutely devestated by the breakup. They go through so much ... crying, anger, depression, etc. and most men occupy themselves with work, friends, etc. so they can't think about it. Why do men realize that they made a mistake a week, 2 weeks, or so later and decide they want to make the relationship work.

 

I guess you can say my boyfriend and I recently broke up. This would have been the 3rd time. The last two times, about a week after the breakup, he decides that he wants to make the relationship work. He called me over and over and over (at first, I didn't take any of the calls) he left messages saying that he can't live without me, he needs me, etc. So I went back.

 

I miss him so much and I'm so devestated. I feel like I'm dying slowly. When we broke up, I told him not to call me, email me, send me flowers and he said he wouldn't do any of those things. It's been four days and I keep hoping that he will call me. Will he or won't he? Any advice you can give, I truly appreciate it. I want to make the relationship work but I feel like I'm the only one that's giving it all. I just don't know what he's thinking. I am so numb. I don't want to do anything. All I want to do is sleep so that I could forget about it but when I wake up, I feel like crap!

 

Thanks for reading this.

 

[smallworld]

Welcome to enotAlone Cindy. Even if I could give you reams of data on how men handle breakups, it wouldn't be useful. What really matters is how the one guy you're interested in feels about working things out with you. Out of curiosity, what issues keep coming up that have driven you guys to split up three times? Are these the same issues every time? Who intiated the breakups? And who usually ends up being the 'bigger' person and resolving them?

 

I think you answered your own question about why some people realize a little too late what they've lost. If they throw themselves into work, etc. to avoid facing the pain of breaking up, then it's only natural that there's a delayed reaction.

 

I understand why you told him not to contact you when you brokeup. But I don't think it's fair for you to expect him to call when you've explicitly told him not to. Imho, you have a lot better chance of getting what you really want in life, if you're upfront and honest with others. If you want to know what he's thinking, call him up. Anything's better than suffering alone with your fears. Take care!!!

[Vern]

Men are obviously affected emotionally by a break-up. To generalize is unfair to so many men (including myself) that go through more/less the same emotions you are going through at the moment.

 

I will be strong if I were you. Do not contact him. And what type of man delivers flowers and does the disappearing act. Think twice about this man. It is not necessarily the mistakes he has made, but the uncertainty that the relationship might cause him. This is enough reason to have a serious discussion with him. Make a list of things that work / does not work between the two of you. Evaluate objectively if it is going to be worth it to try again (that is if you see him again).

 

Take some time out and decide what is really good for you.

 

Vern

[DN]

If you take a browse through these forums you will see that men can be as emotionally damaged by a break-up as can women. It is not a gender-specific behaviour.

 

What is important for you is not how men act in general but how this man acts in particular. And how you react to what he does.

 

Decide what you want. If you don't want him back - maintain no contact, get over him as soon as possible and find someone else to love.

 

If you do want him back - tell him that you love him and want to be with him but only if he is prepared to make a full and determined effort to make the relationship work on a long term basis. That would mean identifying the problems that keep breaking you up, talking about them calmly and without blame and fixing them so that both of you are happy.

 

If he is not willing to do that then proceed as above - no contact and move on.

[Cindy11]

My ex has 2 daughters and 1 son. I knew he was going to New Orleans this weekend with one of his daughters to help her move into her apartment (she's enrolled at Tulane University) and he was going to be back on Monday. With what's been happening in New Orleans, Hurricane Katrina, everyone is evacuating. The airport is closed so I don't think he can get a flight out. But then again, he is a planner so I also think he probably left knowing this but I don't know. What should I do? Should I call to see if he's ok or ignore it? Should I have a friend call him instead? Would he see this as an excuse for my contacting him? What do you think?

[DN]

I think it would show concern. And if it would make you feel better then go ahead.

[Cindy11]

I'm still very sad and confused. As of now, I have decided not to contact him. I gotta ask myself, if I contacted him, then what? What if he rejects me, what if he says he misses me and nothing else. I want more of him but I know it's not possible. He's a very successful man with 3 children (that have had a hard time seeing their father moving on, lives in to states and travels quite a bit). I, on the other hand, I have no baggage (kids, divorce, etc.) and I, too, am very successful. I know I deserve better but it's still very hard. I miss him so much. I want to hug him so bad that it hurts.

 

I hope this gets better because I don't think I can take going through anymore pain. It's killing me slowly.

[Stephen Cronin]

I am starting my third month of breakup from a girl who just cut it cold after almost 3 years. At the start I think Men take a breakup hard if they are dumped but as a dumper its pretty easy. Your ex probably will not give you the respite you *defintely* deserve because the feelings have faded from his heart over a long period of time. That is when the dumper has dealt with the pain, most selfishly of course with you there hugging him and making love and such. If you are really hurt its cos of his lack of communication skills. A dumpers interest level fades over a long period of time, slowly draining away so I really think that NC is for the best. I tried taking the highroad with my ex but i realized that the sun set in her eyes and that there is no point. Its better to just walk away. I always found myself to be a way better person when I emerge from the pain of being let go. the dumper however refused to confront the issues and take the highroad and thereforeeee has not learned! *You win*

[Cindy11]

I have to make a clarification on my last break up with him. He told me that with the issues that we have, he doesn't see marriage in the future. Right after he said that, I broke down real hard and got up and packed up all my stuff and moved out. It KILLED me what he said. He knew all along that's what I want but I never nagged him about it. I guess I felt like he still wanted me as his girlfriend but did not want to get married. I felt I couldn't waste anymore time with someone that didn't want to marry me. Out of so much anger, I told him not to contact me.

 

So this morning I woke up feeling ok and couldn't help but, of course, to think about him. Again, does he miss me, what is he doing, etc. I turned on the TV and saw that New Orleans was hit pretty hard and I was worried. I want to know if he was ok and if he made it back home ok.

 

I just broke down and called him on his cell. He didn't answer. I left a message telling him that I was just calling to tell him that I was watching the news and knew that he was in New Orleans and if he and his daughter are out of there safe. That was it.

 

How do I feel after doing that? hmmmmmm .... weird, numb.

 

As I typed the last sentence, he called me and told me that he went through alot in the last couple of days trying to get out of New Orleans, couldn't get a flight out on Sat., they rented a car to drive to Austin and in Houston, the car got struck by a lightening twice. Later the airbags fired off and your couldn't see 5 feet ahead. I guess I could go on but at least they're safe and back home.

 

I told him that I was sorry he went through all that and that I am glad he was safe. And, of course, like an idiot, I told him that I love him and miss him. He said he loved me and missed me too. I didn't want him to get off the phone but he said ok well thanks for checking in and take care and it was best for us to be over. He again said he loves me and misses me. It killed me. Now I sit and wonder what's he thinking again. Did I do the right thing by calling him?

 

And here I go, crying again. God it hurts so much!

[Cindy11]

As I sit here and wonder, cry, stop crying, wonder.... I read in here a lot about NC. By contacting him, is this going to set me back? I guess it is from what I read. I feel like crap.

 

I find it interesting how quickly he called me back and right before he got off the phone, he said I'll talk to you. Am I hanging on to every word he says? I guess I am. Will he contact me again?

 

I am so numb again and I just keep crying over and over.

 

Thanks for all your support. I can definitely use it.

[Cindy11]

I have been going counselling. I have a session tomorrow afternoon. I also have been reading "How to Survive the Love of a Love". It's a great book. I don't have a lot of friends and my family would never understand.

 

I also think that he really hasn't been doing much thinking about us because of the whole New Orleans situation. (There I go again, making excuses ... sorry).

 

About a month ago, I scheduled a 7-day cruise leaving Oct. 2nd. A friend told me that I should go (this was scheduled when my ex and I were together ... it didn't seem to bother him at all ... he's very secure). I just wish it was now and not in Oct. I think I'll try to go to away this weekend. Because I know if I stay here, I will lose my mind ... just don't know where to go to.

[Cindy11]

Well here I go again....

 

I still can't believe it's over and I am not ready to give up yet but I can't make him want me. I still wonder and wonder. He's got such a busy life that I feel he doesn't have time to think about us and what I'm going through.

 

Then I think if I did go back, hey may not be able to change the things that broke us up and we'll be back to square one. I want so bad to believe that he still wants me and loves me. He used to always tell me how beautiful I am and he couldn't take his eyes off of me. It doesn't make any sense and I just don't understand. It's been 6 days and I've lost 4 lbs. ... I don't need to lose weight.

 

I don't know that I can get through this. He's the one man that I loved more than anything or anyone. I wish there was a pill that I can take that will make me forget about him or to just take the pain away.

[Cindy11]

Here I am again. I haven't posted anything in the last few days because I've been feeling sooooooooooooo miserable. There is no life in me. My counselor thinks that I should take an anxiety pill to help me deal with this and recommended a psychiatrist to talk to. But I am not sure about that. I don't want to take anything. It's just not me.

 

Then I thought about it again and decided to at least talk to the psychiatrist. I just wish there was a pill that you can take to forget about someone.

 

I miss him so much. I still wonder what's doing, if he loves me and misses me and will he contact me. I wish I had the answers to my questions.

[DN]

Probably a good idea to see a psychiatrist - it may help lend some perspective. Try and avoid pills if you can.

 

The main thing for you is to accept that the relationship is probably over and to make a decision to move on with your life. If you can avoid having other people responsible for your happiness you will be much better able to cope.

[Cindy11]

It's been very hard ... I've been an emotional wreck. I went to see a psychiatrist yesterday. We talked for an hour and he came to the conclusion that I definitely need something to calm me down and to help me deal with what's been going on. He prescribed two different prescriptions. One will start working in about 1-2 weeks and the other one starts working right away. All I have been doing is crying and making the wrong judgments. The other day, I drove down the wrong way on a one way street. I cannot believe how this has affected me.

 

I decided to go visit friends in another state for the Labor Day weekend. Right before I flew, I took both medications and it did help. I feel stable, calm ... I didn't think about him as much during my flight. If I did, it was negative thoughts. Maybe it is helping. I can't stand the fact that I have to take something to help me cope.

 

All I know is I have to live day by day and I know he's not the one for me but it's hard. It's hard not knowing if he, too, is miserable. I only hope he is. I know alot of you think it doesn't matter if he is or not but I just want to know. Hopefully, that thought would fade away soon.

 

I know I have a lot to offer. My friends, co-workers and even strangers tell me that I am a great catch. They think I have it all. They all envy me but they don't know what's on the inside.

[Lil Eddie]

Im sorry to hear thats going on in your life. I know that pain all to well. You can read my situation if you like. link removed

I dont know why i get so desperate at work to call her, constantly wondering what she is doing and if she's going to call me. I feel like I can't breathe I can't think of anything else but her and why it's over. I can't help feeling like this. For the two weeks I could not eat which caused me to lose 10 pounds. I feel the same way and wish I could take something to make the pain go away or to forget her. I keep checking my phone to see if she has called. I know I shouldnt talk to her and just leave her alone but I cannot because I want her back so bad no matter if she is screwing around or not. I don't want to sit and wait like a dummy but that's all I seem to want to do. I think to myself that I don't I will loose her. I have decided not to contact her if she wants to talk or chill she knows how to get a hold of me. Friends have suggested changing my number but I don't want to because I still want her to call me. I want to move on to make the pain go away but I keep holding on. If it's truly over change your number so he cannot get a hold of you and you won't wonder if he will call. I know it's hard but maybe that's what you have to do so you won't give yourself hope. Why don't you give me your opinion on my situation? It helps me when I try to give advice to other people because it take the focus off of me and it helps me to understand what going on in my life. Hang in there!

[rascal]

cindy11 i know how feel all too well. it sucks. bad. but no matter what you do, don't call. i think you were absolutely right to call him after katrina, but now you have to leave him alone. you will make it. i know it seems completely hopeless, but it's not. you will make it through this.

[Cindy11]

Well it's been 2 weeks and 2 days ... but who's counting?

 

It's been soooooo hard to deal with all this breakup. I've been going out with friends and trying to keep busy. I've been asked to go out several times but declined. I don't feel comfortable at this point to go out on a date.

 

I miss him so much and I wonder why doesn't he call? Does he miss me? I guess I'll never get the answers to my question and they keep popping up. I've been doing great so far not contacting him. Although, I almost did couple of days ago but I stopped myself. What I would give to forget him.

 

I've also been taking one of the medications. I think it's been helping. The other one I cannot take because it makes me feel weird.

 

I believe he left today for Germany for about a week for business (I was supposed to go with him but he decided to make it a guy trip as well) ... this is suppose to be a very busy month for him. I keep thinking that when he's not so busy, then he'll have time to think about me. It's just hard.

 

I know I can't be with him because I'll never be a priority or #1 because of everything else in his life. But damn it! I love him!

 

Thanks for all your support. I really do appreciate it.

[acuraman]

I can't speak for all guys, but i can speak for myself that going through a break up is no different for me than with a female. I still go through times that I felt it was my fault, how I could have prevented it, and i relive the last moment over and over again. There will be times that I lye awake in bed, thinking about the times spent together, and how that person is doing. It doesn't matter what I do to try to get my mind off of the past relationship, because there will always be things that would remind me of my ex, and its hard. The only thing that seems to work for me is to let time heal my wounds.

[Cindy11]

It's been 3 weeks now with no contact. My medication has been helping me tremendously. I don't feel so depressed and anxious. I've been going counselling and that has also helped.

 

It's been extremely hard having to adjust to a different life. Before, I used to travel a lot with my ex. We have been to wonderful places and there are lots of memories and now zero travel.

 

The other day, I was checking my computer for recent pictures of myself and I ran into bunch of pictures of him and us a... that didn't bother me. I looked at them and said I miss him and love him but that's all I can say.

 

I know he loves me and misses me and wants to be with me but I also know that he doesn't think he can give me what I want. He has told me that several times times but the meaning hit me recently. One of my friends says that's a cop out. It's not that he doesn't think he can give me what I want, it's that he doesn't want to give me what I want. That may be true but I truly believe that he will wake up one day and realize that he lost the best thing that has and will ever happen to him.

 

If he should call, I will not take his calls. I have to move on with my life. I'm not going to force finding someone but if it happens, that's great and if does not, that's great too. I just have to learn to live alone and be ok with it. So far so good.

 

For those of you who have recently broken up, I can honestly tell you that time heals all wounds. It will get better and you'll get stronger. The no contact is the most important part of trying to get over your ex. Hang in there. I can't say that I am 100% fine because I'm not. I still have a long way to go. I don't feel tempted to call him and that makes me feel great.

 

Thanks for all your support and I will keep you posted.

[acuraman]

Everyone handles their break ups differently. I agree with DN that if you check out some of the forums, you will see men who are hurt just as bad as females during a break up.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Hi Cindy,

 

First off, I want to say that I feel you on everything you are going through right now. I'm also going through a very painful breakup at the same time. My fiancee left me 2 weeks ago, but sometimes it feels like it happened just yesterday. Now, onto your question about how people handle breakups.

 

I really think that both genders handle breakups in similar ways. It really depends on the individual and the situation: who dumped, who got dumped, the circumstances, etc. I did some reading on this site, and I came accross an article that presented the emotional stages that one goes through during a breakup. For me, the hardest part is always the acceptance and coming to terms with the fact that it's over. The idea of the relationship being over and the realization that my life is different always takes a severe toll on me, and I can get very depressed.

 

On that note, I would like to share with everyone some good advice my psychologist, who's helping me get through this breakup, gave me last night. She told me that when a person gets depressed, biochemical changes takes place in the brain. A specific chemical starts to get produced. If the person does nothing to break down that chemical, the depression will be harder and will last longer. She gave me some ways to break down this chemical

 

1) Exercise - physical activity helps to really break down this chemical

 

2) Do things which make you happy - I know it's hard to want to do these things when depressed, so you need to make a list each day of things you want to do, and you must push yourself to do them!

 

Cindy, I hope this helps you. Please try doing both of these things, and let us know how you are doing. Keep posting to us no matter what.

[Painting_MonaLisa]

Hang in there Cindy, you are doing the right thing. We all wonder about the "what if's" and the "what are they doing". It is hard to think someone who says they love you can move on without you. They do. In time you will fell better and NewPhillyguy is right with what he is suggesting. I feel much better over a recent break-up when I exercise (lost 4 lbs!) and concentrate on MY life and MY interests that have nothing to do with his interests. I try to small things that make me happy that had nothing to do with what he liked. I think we get wrapped up in someone else's life and forget about our own. It makes break-ups harder because there is so much change. A very wise women told me before I got married to keep a piece of my heart for myself. I always have. It makes it a little easier to be move on.Good Luck

[Cindy11]

A friend of mine emailed the following to me and thought it would be a great idea sharing this with all of you. so here it goes....

 

Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two

 

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

 

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

 

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

 

4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

 

5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

 

6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

 

7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

 

8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

 

9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

 

10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

 

11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

 

12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

 

13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

 

REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

[acuraman]

Cindy 11, that was an excellent posting. Those are some of the best advice I have heard in a long time. Thank you.