Could he be for real?

[gypsy65]

Hi All

Thanks for readning my post and whatever you have to say I will appreciate the time to send me some feedback.

I met a man online 2 months ago, we were on web cams, and I know it sounds crazy but we fell in love...it was an amazing experience that left us both shaking.

Problem is he is currently in another state visiting his children for the summer and dealing with legal issues and court. He won't be back until those matters are cleared up and the courts are taking forever. He has been inconsistent in calling me and hasn't shown me a lot in the way of follow through when he says that he will call me. Often we go weeks without contact. The last time we spoke, I called him. He sounded depressed at first, and told me that he hadn't called me because he didn't want to drag me into the chaos that is his life right now. He said he is usually a happy go lucky person, but that he has had such bad luck lately that he feels overwhelmed and sad most of the time. He assured me that the reason he didn't call me wasn't because he didn't want to talk to me, but rather that he was kind of embaressed about where he is in his life right now. We talked for about an hour and we had a great conversation and lots of laughing. He told me he felt so much better after talking to me and again thanked me for calling him. He invited me to call him anytime and said that he would be in touch "soon" Throught our various conversations he has said things that make me think he is seriously considering a relationship with me. He rememberd my birthdate, and made comments like, "Oh, I will have to remember that about you' when I told him I didn't like yelling during an argument. He said he is italian and comes from a big, loud family...When I mentioned hiking along a certain trail and he said, "Oh, I would like to check that out with you." He ends our conversations with I love you, which I haven't said in return yet. I do think I love him, but would rather wait and say it in person.

That was 10 days ago and I haven't heard from him since. I don't know how to take his lack of contact. I know that he thinks about me because I have an email program that shows me how many times he opens the emails I sent him. He opened an email from me 23 times in 2 days and returned to the one of pictures of my 25 times in 3 days, but he hasn't opened them in a few weeks. He said that he is really bummed right now and hasn't even gotten on line much lately and I know that is true. So, what do you think? Is he really not interested in me and trying to blow me off in a nice way or is it more likely that his life is just really chaotic right now and out of respect for me he doesn't want to drag me into it? It is hard not to feel rejected. Should I mention that he hasn't kept his word to me when he said he would call or should I just wait it out? My life is not on hold for this man, I am dating others, but feel really connected to him and am intrigued by all that we have in common. I won't contact him again, I think the ball is in his court now...I hate waiting...Am I being dumped, dissed or should I try to be understanding? Thanks for your feedback.

[Scout]

I know that he thinks about me because I have an email program that shows me how many times he opens the emails I sent him.

 

Hi, first off - WHAT IS THE NAME OF THIS PROGRAM AND HOW DO I GET IT?

 

Second, regarding your issue...I think if he's opening up your email that much he clearly cares about you, but at the same time, it sounds like he's sincerely not in a good place in his life - not the place he needs to be in to be a fully participatory partner in a relationship - and he realizes this.

 

If I were you, I'd make a sincere offer of friendship to him. Tell him you realize maybe now is not the best time for you two to be romantically involved, but that you sense some real despair/unhappiness in his life and you want him to know he can talk to you about it if he needs to. Otherwise, to know that you are there for moral support.

 

I think that will help take the pressure off, and also head off any ideas he might have about ending the whole relationship because now is not a good time for it.

 

But - you honestly have to mean it if you tell him you are willing to be friends above anything else at this point in both your lives.

[DN]

I agree with Scout. It is a good sign that he does not want to drag you into the maelstrom that is his life right now. Hopefully, when all that is sorted out, he will have time to concentrate on you. That is when you will be able to better assess any potential for a relationship.

[sexyblondie]

lol

[Mr. Cactus]

I just hope you guys were kidding about wanting to get hold of that email prying program. See my post here:

 

link removed

 

OK, there is of course a difference in degrees, but you still should be careful. I don't know what the law is in this regard, but I for one would not attempt to use such a program myself.

[gypsy65]

I guess what I said about the email program sounded bad. It isn't like that. You can't use it to spy on someone, it only tells you that someone has picked up your email, guarantees delivary and lets you know how many times it was read...We use it at my place of employment and is totally legal...Thanks for the info though and for sharing.

[Mr. Cactus]

Well I guess my interpretation of what is prying and what isn't is different to yours. I can't definitively comment on the legality, that is true. You need to understand though, that even if the use of that program is legal in a corporate context, it might not necessarily be legal in the context in which you are using it. In my country there are completely different standards (corporate use versus private use) for the use of computer programs that monitor any sort of computer activity by an individual. I would not be surprised if the same thing applies to your country. To me, it would be quite reasonable for an employer to know exactly what an employee was doing on a company computer in the company's time. That is entirely different to a private individual using that software to see how many times their boyfriend is reading his private emails.

 

I think there is a clear difference between sending a receipted email that simply lets you know the recipient has received and read it, versus using technology to continually check on what that person is doing with that email after that. If I could prove someone was monitoring my own action in that regard (outside of a workplace context), then I would be extremely angry and would feel that my privacy had been violated.

 

As you probably know, these programs can do more than simply check the number of times an email has been opened. They can also report on how long the email was read each time and where and when the email was opened each time. Although the companies that make such software state it is completely legal, they can't precisely know the context in which the software is going to be used by someone. In other words, just because it may be legal, does not make it moral. How many people here would not be concerned that someone - unbeknown to them - was monitoring their private email usage in that way? I certainly would not be happy at all, even if it was considered legal.

[gypsy65]

I hear what you are saying and I guess it becomes an issue for each individual to decide for themself. The first email I sent him from work had a banner from the company in plain sight. I wasn't trying to be sneaky, but as with anything this technology could be abused!

 

As for me, in this situation, I don't feel bad. Fact is, I met the guy online, and have never met him in person. There have been some concerns for me regarding his being honest about his feelings for me. He has an x there in San Diego and I was not certain if that relationship has truly ended. Another concern was that since his words of affection (saying he loves me) weren't corresponding with his actions or lack therof (not calling me), I was ready to walk away. The fact that his has re opened my email and looked again and again at my pictures is the only reassurance I have had that he may indeed have feelings for me and be interested in pursuing something with me on a deeper level. Although I never intended to use the program is this way, it has turned out to be something of a source of comfort for me.

 

I agree that some of these programs go too far and I personally wouldn't use them - I am referring here to programs like key loggers that moniter ALL internet activities and key strokes so that one can gain access to anothers email accounts, im's, etc. For me this is going too far. Perhaps for others, such as yourself, I have crossed a boundary already. This may be a great new topic - is it EVER ok to snoop? Maybe I am wrong, but I don't think that the program I used is moral issue, at least not for me.

 

You made an excellent point and it was well taken. As for me, I didn't intend to track his emails, never suspecting that he would open them so many times! That feature just turned out to be a perk. I simply sent him an email from work and wanted to be certain that he received it as we had had a few problems with some of my emails sent from my home not reaching him for some reason. Again, a banner was clearly displayed. I chose that option knowing that he could check it out for himself.

 

Thanks for so honestly sharing your thoughts.

[Mr. Cactus]

Hi Gypsy,

 

I completely understand your perspective. I have been in almost an identical situation to yourself. I met someone online as well. Over the 6 months I knew them, they completely mislead me - not only about how they felt about me but what they thought of me as a person. I wasn't looking for a relationship though. Although I felt there was the potential down the track for a relationship (if we could solve the distance issues), I kept quiet about it and never brought the subject up. She decided to, asking me how I felt about her. I had the choice of lying and saying I had no feelings at all, or telling the truth. She pointed out (about a hundred times before I told her) that how I felt would never, ever impact the relationship. She also said that no matter what I thought of her, I would never lose the friendship. So I decided to tell her the truth, having the comfort of knowing that. Within three weeks of that, she totally changed as a person and became cold, ambivalent, flippant and just an all-round unpleasant person to be around. When I confronted her sometime later as to why she had changed so much - especially with all the things she had previously told me - she told me a slew of untruths that anyone with even the remotest amount of commonsense could see right through.

 

So I guess I have become a rather untrusting person - I certainly won't ever trust another person I ever meet online unless I subsequently have prolonged personal contact with them. Only then do I feel I could judge them for who they are.

[gypsy65]

Hi Cactus;

 

I am sad to hear about your experience on line, but it is a fact that people can pretend to be anyone that they want to on line. For that very reason I will not even engage or entertain the idea of a relationship with anyone long distance. If Mr. X did not live here in my home town and was not just away for the summer months visiting his children I would not have considerd him at all. Relationships are complicated enough without the extra burden of miles in between. It just seems to me that it is too difficult to build and maintain a strong foundation for a relationship in this manner.

 

On the other hand, I am a great person and am loyal, honest and loving and I am certain that I can't be the only person in cyber land who is! I have met some very nice people out there and have met some less than desirables as well...it is a hit and miss.

 

My concern with online dating is the number of married men looking for an affair, but advertising themself as single. As your experience would indicate there are woman out there that also have agendas that are less than honorable. I can't imagine what would have been this girls motivation for treating you the way she did. At best she sounds inmature and insecure, not a great or healthy combo.

 

Nothing parallels the importance of meeting in person in order to get a better idea of who they are and where they are really coming from....I emphasize friends FIRST... Until that happens I think it is wise to be cautious. I know I am...

 

Best Regards,

[Mr. Cactus]

Hi Gypsy,

 

I agree with what you say about online meetings and long distance relationships. I really feel now that I could learn more about someone through a single hour-long lunch with them (by that I mean the sort of person they are) than I could through liaising with them for any amount of time online.

 

I am sure you are a loyal honest and loving person - I can sense that just through the way you write, express yourself and how you debate points in a mature way. I wish there were more people around like that - my tastes are somewhat soured on that point at the moment. I think though, as you say, it comes down to maturity and none of us should tar everyone with the same brush. Were I to put myself on a dating site I would surely be one of the honest and loyal men out there, although that is difficult to prove unless -as you say - you are going to end up in close proximity to each other. I am sure there are very many others like me too.

 

Sorry - I did not mean to hijack the thread through retelling my own experience - it's better for me to have experienced what I did and to just be hurt and bitter about it, since it could have been a whole lot worse.

[gypsy65]

OK, I haven't heard from him in going on 3 weeks! I haven't called him because I don't want to chase him. He said he would call me "soon." I am feeling really angry and it is harder and harder to believe that he cares about me at all. Should I call him and be very casual and see how things are going for him? Or should I have faith and trust that when matters are better that he will contact me. I don't want to be a burden or an obligation on him. He had another court date on August 25th, I guess I had an expectation that he would want to call me and let me know what happened. I own that, that was my fault for making an assumption and I don't want to punish him for not living up to my unspoken expectations. In my mind though I just can't understand what is going on!

I got good advice from one of the posts on here that said I should offer him my friendship and that way it leaves the door open and wards off him ending it himself if he has been thinking that he should due to circumstances. I have considerd doing that, but have hesitated because I don't want him to think that I am subtley trying to end it with him. He doesn't know me well enough to know that I wouldn't do that and besides that if I tell him I just want to be friends it sounds like I made an assumption that there was more than that and that isn't the case, I haven't even me the guy in person. I hope this is making sense. I am so upset right now. I don't know what to do. If anyone reads this and has some advice for me, I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT. I feel stupid being so sad, but I am... Thanks.

[gypsy65]

PS. He hasn't looked at my pictures or read my email in a week and a half! That bothers me too. If I need to move on, that is what I will do, but it is hard.

[novaseeker]

Well again it seems to me here we are looking for hard and fast rules where there arent any really, other than those we feel we need to protect ourselves.

 

I've been burned more than once with online relationships, but I've also had one great hit, which makes all the other burnings more than worthwhile. This person was exactly how he said he was online when I met him in person, and the passion I felt for him while getting to know him was simply fulfilled when we finally met in person. Yes, it's easy for online relationships to go awry, it's easy for people to lie and mislead, withhold information, deceive, play games and so forth ... but Ive had one that succeeded brilliantly, and so I can't agree with hard and fast rules against them. In fact, in our case, it was great because I got to know him from the inside out rather than the reverse which is what happens in offline relationships (at least often).