Better to be patient or just keep trying to reach her?

[TiredMan]

Info : link removed

 

Anyway, because of emotional instabilities, I stopped talking to her in the beginning of June because she did something that really bothered me and I freaked out again. Spoke to her in beginning of July and we have "not" been together since. Only seen her once since in July and while it was a very emotional meeting, nothing came from it. She told me it felt forced and she felt pressured.

 

We talk on the phone almost everyday but half the times, she sounds cold. The other times she sounds like herself. The gist is my emotional outbursts came in the form of saying mean things or breaking away for a while. Not intentional but completely my fault because I allowed my childhood demons to come out. But we were together almost 8 years. Love is still there. She has done things too but I don't believe in leaving unless either one person cheats, or if the love is not there anymore.

 

Anyway, I haven't had an outbursts in months (thanks to forcing myself and going to therapy). Now she is talking about how it's always been hard to talk to me and to "fully" open up, which she always said it to me, that she has told me everything. And vice versa. I love this lady with all my heart and always have. We had this enormous bond.

 

But, she is like me, very emotional. When she is hurt, she doesn't fight back. She runs away and lets it build internally. That has always been her way. Her response was that it was building up. I'm saying she never warned me. I knew it was upsetting but not where she was gonna leave. In fact, in the last months of our relationship, she was making me look for apt's with her. By making me, I don't mean I didn't want to but that she was really into looking. She talks about how she was so sad. When she mentioned that before the breakup, I asked her what I could do to make her feel better, she said it had nothing to do with me but more other situations. She was vehement about this. Then when this happened, she said she figured out it was all our fighting. How could I know if she didn't tell me?

 

Anyway, we talk almost every day and it's still emotional. People tell me if I love her this much, to wait and be patient, especially since her reactions take so long. Others say, after this many years, just shutting off without warning is not fair so I should tell her how I'm feeling. She is telling me everything she feels without holding back. Sometimes I have been. I just NEED this to get resolved and soon. Every day feels like I have been betrayed and dying because I NEVER saw it coming. This is because she always spoke to me throughout the entire thing about how she was still in puppy love with me and that it had not faded one bit, how we are so close as people, how we share the same brain, not ONCE talking about leaving, then one day, she kind of snapped. She knows all about why I'm so emotional (family being pretty emotionally brutal to me as a kid on as well as other large factors) and I felt like she understood and would help, not jet on me. I feel like I just want to reach the person I know is in there.

[TiredMan]

Also, when I think about her face when I wouldn't talk to her and she would show up at my home in tears, it has been giving me nightmares for many years. I have the thought every day and I cry like a baby. I didn't want to do it to her. I can't live with myself when I think about that and I haven't had a peaceful night of sleep in years because I always picture that face but I was never able to stop it when my emotional outbursts occurred.

[TiredMan]

I took a small trip since I last talked to her (about 24 hours) and I feel so much worse. I keep thinking about instances from years ago where I unintenionally hurt her and I want to jump off a building.

[iamwhoiam]

as difficult as it may be, try to remember that the past is the past. there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to change what has already happened-good or bad.

 

start with TODAY...take it one day and one step at a time. you have already taken a BIG step by accepting responsibility for your emotional struggles and going to counseling. i think that in itself is commendable, considering many people refuse to admit they have issues to sort out.

 

as far as your relationship with this woman, you cannot change how she is feeling. you have to accept that she might need time to figure out what she wants in her life too. it sounds like she would benefit from some therapy as well...have you ever suggested couples counseling, in addition to individual therapy? just a thought...

 

in the meantime stop beating yourself up for past mistakes. instead, work on bettering yourself as a human being, going to counseling and working through your problems. you need to concentrate on becoming a HEALTHIER YOU.

[TiredMan]

That is what I am trying to do, work on NOW, while she keeps bringing up stuff. I KNOW she loves me but she got fed up. I just feel like she knew how I was all these years, never once talked about leaving, now she just decides? Yes, therapy for her would be good but she wouldn't go because she has mental disease in her mom's side of the family and going to therapy is a fear of hers. You mention it and she gets defensive. I can't suggest couples counseling because right now she would say "we are not a couple" and that would hurt me too much.

 

I just expect after everything we have shared (stuff NO ONE else knows including all family on both sides) that you are supposed to stick by a person. Now if there was cheating or no more love or I was just a jerk, then I would get it. But that is not the case. I am a sweet caring guy who has had an emotional troubled life which she knew all about. It's not fair.

 

I don't want her to move on. The way I am, I have friends who I don't talk to anymore or could care less about because they were just bad people. Over time, it just got easier. I don't want that to happen here. I love her more than anyone.

 

I talked about some of my hurt with her yesterday. How I have tortured myself over things I have said or not done (talk to he when very sad about something she said or did). I have had nightmares about it maybe 6 nights a week for about 4 years straight. Always thinking about it and crying. I have done things trying to take that feeling away. Like I could be vomiting from sickness all day and I still would take her somewhere. I had a time when I had anxiety attacks like 4 times every day and I would still go places with her that I knew would bring them on, only because I knew she liked them. Things like that. And nothing made those nightmares and tears go away for me. I have a HUGE conscience. I can't stand anyone being hurt. This is why when I get hurt, I get so mad.

[iamwhoiam]

if both people want a relationship to work, then they will do whatever it takes. however, LOVE isn't always enough. a person might love another individual more than anything, but there might be too much baggage and too much pain that has accumulated...sometimes a person becomes weary and too exhausted to take anymore...sooner or later, people want to be freed from the negative energy and weight that's holding them down.

 

i'm not saying this is the case...it just sounds like there are A LOT of emotional issues going on. and the angry outbursts...i'm glad you're getting some help for that because it can scare someone to see such rage erupt in a person.

 

i know it seems unfair that she is abandoning you in this time of need, but, unfortunately life doesn't always work out how we'd often like. maybe she just got to a point where she'd had enough-like the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

if the two of you are still communicating regularly, as you said, are the conversations productive? are you discussing ways to move forward and work on your issues/differences? OR are you rehashing the past and, in turn, digging a deeper rift?

[TiredMan]

Our conversations are both good and bad. But she still holds on to those things. I told her I missed my (pet name) and she response with "well you drove your (pet name) away. It's kind of unbearable.

 

In my eyes, love should be enough to TRY. I just don't get how she knew how I was all this time and just left after this many years. I knew it hurt her and I tried everything I could. I told her when I broke away, just to let me cool off, she agreed. If she was intending on leaving, she would haven't spent the last time over my house looking for apartments for us, like we had been doing for the past 6 months.

 

She talked about how she put everything on our relationship and my actions didn't make her happy so now she is concentrating on herself. I asked, can't you do both? She said no. She talked about how even though I don't take my emotions out on other people anymore (months) that I still have them and take them out on myself. I asked would if make a difference if I didn't? She said no. I said "never?" She snapped and said "don't ask me that. It's unfair".

 

I have been mad at her over the course of the 8 years. But I ALWAYS forgave her for things because I knew I loved her. It's so hurtful. I feel like she knew what i was all about and she let herself get involved in every aspect of my life (every place, thing I own, my home, vacations, my family etc) and then she abandons and gets sad that I am so sad. Telling me it's so much pressure on her that I am hurt THIS MUCH. I mean cmon. When I would break away from her, she did whatever it took to reach me and now the situation is reversed, she gets mad that I miss her?

[waiting]

We are in the same boat mate, although your ex is not seeing someone else as part of her "figuring out what she wants" process...

 

You sound like you have done all you can for now. You have to stop pressuring her and let her figure it out on her own time. Just let her know once more how you feel, and that you are going to let her be. Make sure she knows that you will be there for her should she ever want to talk, and just leave it. Hard as hell, but you have no choice any more. Its out of your hands. And if you have left it all too late and her love is gone, its something that you just have to accept.

 

I still dont know if i am too late, and will never really know until she says it. I think its the not knowing that is the hardest to live with.

[TiredMan]

Her love is not gone at all. She just was not happy because of the situation and she is the type of to run away from things. She is not with anyone else, I know that. Other than work, she doesn't do much so that's not a real worry (being with another guy).

 

I don't know what to do. I'm just winging it and taking it day by day and saying what's in my heart. I'm the type who believes that if what is in your heart is pure, then it all works out. I am pure in that. Of course, sometimes it doens't work out.

 

Right now, I feel like this website is all I have left as my family laughs at stuff like this, and I don't have close friends anymore. I have one girl I have been friends with for about 13 years but it's mostly phone friends because she lives with her guy kinda far. So I kind of only have this place, her on the phone and my therapist once a week (i guess).

[TiredMan]

Sleeping is so tough. I have to take sleeping pills (yes I am probably now addicted but I dont care about that anymore) just to get a couple of hours of sleep. Then I wake up and my thoughts go back to her. Dreaming and thoughts are the worst for me. I have always had nightmares over the stuff I have done or not done. People don't know how much. Or thoughts about the bad things that happen to me in my life (and if people knew how bad it got, wow). Anyway, the only thoughts that got me through regular night were of good ones with her. Now I can't do that because they make me cry even more. I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry for many hours in my bed every morning. Then hours in the day, hours at night.

 

Sometimes I feel the world would be a better place if I wasn't here.

[Unchained_melody]

Hi Tired man, Your situation sounds exactly like mine with my ex.

Like your ex, he never told me how he felt or what he was gonna do before we broke up. Fighting was one of our big problems, but I never thought it could lead him to leave me. I know now that, some people are tolerant, some are not so.

He didn't tell me much about how he felt. You know 2 days before he told me he didnt love me anymore before we broke up, I asked him if He loved me still like before, and he said 'Yes I do love, I will love you no matter what happens.'

Then 2 days later, he completely changed as a person after an argument, he acted like he was so cold and complete stranger to me telling me; he didn't love me anymore and stuff.

It's very confusing. He said his love for me was getting smaller and smaller and it started 6 months ago he said.

 

What I can't get over, is that - Why couldn't he have just told me all this before he broke up with me. 2 days before be left me, he even said he loved me like before and now he is saying something else.

 

I'm still hurting, and I'm frustrated. I am getting tired of feeling so hurt and feeling so lost when i wake up in the morning. I know that Time heals everything, but i just wish i could leap forwards in time in a time machine or heal faster.

 

I've decided to go to another State where my cousins live. I'm gonna visit them and maybe live there for a while. I suggest for those of you who find it hard to get over those hurt feelings and flashbacks - you should change your environment so that you won't keep getting reminded of your ex. Such as moving to another place and or filling in that void of emptiness from you ex and get your mind destracted alot and occupied with different things.

I think, it's the mind thing. Our minds usually have a big effect on our hearts, So put something else in your mind other than ur ex.

 

This is what I'm gonna do.

[TiredMan]

I have thought about moving too but I"m in a position where I just can't financially or emotionally. I live where my family is because I have to.

 

It isn't about love with me and her. It's about her being fed up and not wanting it anymore.