Marriage and sex

[sameasalways]

I am 28 F and have been married 6 years in July. I love my husband and he is the best guy to me and our kids. I never have had much of a sex drive at all, except when I first meet people. Also I never initiate sex. All of this is becoming a problem for my husband. Honestly I don't know what to do. He does get on the internet frequently and either play a lot of computer games or look at porn/webcams. (he does the porn when I am sleeping and he works shiftwork). I don't know how I am supposed to feel anymore or how I should feel anymore. I spent a good portion of our marriage feeling bitter due to time on the computer. I am over that pretty much now. The only time I had a big sex drive was when I was pregnant or nursing. I know that is weird but its true. In fact I never even had an orgasm until I was pregnant the first time. (I was 20 at the time, and not yet married or living with anyone). My husband is the only man I've been with who can bring me to orgasm (I have been with more than enough to say that) and he is good to me in most every way. I am attractive and slim and have not gained any weight from the time I've met him.....I know he is attracted to me and said himself that he doesn't like that I never initiate sex. I thought this was a common theme in marriages with women so what ultimately ends up happenning? I would like to be a bit more aggressive as far as initiating but it just isn't me. As far as sex goes, when we do have it its really good for both of us (even though its only once or twice a month). Does anyone have any advice or suggestions? I have kind of given up I don't know what to do about the situation any more. Thanks.

[Gilgamesh]

I cant really say why you dont have a sex drive, because this can be caused by any number of reasons.

 

what i find odd, is that you say you enjoy sex when you have it, but never initiate it or have any drive to want it.

 

you could ask for help from a counselor, there could be other issues involved.

 

All i can say is that your man has been very patient with you and must love you a lot, because I would be very unhappy as a man in a situation like the one you describe.

 

I would ask you to make an effort to spice up your sex life, you enjoy sex, but dont want to start it, you say its not you, why? what is stopping you from just jumping on him? there is something to this. you have the answer inside.

[sameasalways]

I am not really sure why I am this way, only that I have always been. Yes sex is great when we have it, and I am fulfilled and so is my husband. Sometimes I think maybe we are just getting old in our relatinship with children and such, that we can easily see sex is not the main part of the marriage. I can't say I know what most women are like who have been married 6 years and have two children. I do know when you are dating, you tend to focus on your partner more, and spend time together doing things. After being together 6 years w/two children, we rarely ever do anything with eachother just between the two of us. Usually we don't do anything together......this tends to happen with family responsibilities, work responsibilities, and childrearing responsibilities. I do think women need more time and attention than most men after being married a certain amount of time, are willing or wanting to give. I always feel that if my husband was more romantic and gave me more attention and made me feel more special like he did when I was dating him, then I would be much more receptive to sex. I think a lot of women feel that way. The man wants more sex, the woman to initiate more, and the women wants more attention (non sexual) and to feel special by her husband in order to feel sexual. I also have given and given in this relationship and am tired of doing it all. I wonder if societies expectations for marriage are unrealistic or immature. certainly a man can't expect to do nothing, and have their spouse want to jump all over them at the end of the day. my husband and i have talked about this stuff before but it doesn't accomplish much. I think that is where the real problem is......neither one of us know how to give the other one what they want. I was raised and given a lot of attention by my father. My husband was not given any attention by his father, nor did he see his father ever do 'fun stuff" with his mother or children. I don't think my husband knows how to do stuff like that because of that. I was raised with my stepfather being a total prude and never wanting to have sex with my mother. But my stepfather did ensure we did lots of things together as a family and fun stuff. I think in these ways, the crossover between sex and attention is blurred between us both. I don't know if that is what is at the root of the problem or not, but I do know neither one of us, my husband or I, seem to be able to get past it.

[speedracer780]

WellI can absolutely relate to your problem. I have had this expieriance before. And I know a number of couples that have the same problem. I probably have spent more time trying to figure this problem out than any other single thing in my entire life. Unfortunately, I have no clear answer. I can say that I was in a relationship where everything was perfectly balanced. We shared all the responsibilities. No one person had any burden placed on them and neither of us ever did anything we didn't want to. however her sex drive dropped to near 0 a year after we were with each other. She began to feel so comfortable that she just no longer thought about it. When we had sex it was for hours and we both reached the O numerous times. But we only did it a few times a month, which caused a major problem. The only thing I can think that caused her change was her upbringing. Her parents were the epitimy of asexual. Neither one of them showed any sort of sexual energy ever. Where as my parents were the freaky type and always (which is why I am like I am) displayed it to each other. The downfall to this all was her logic of thinking, "well this is how I am and I guess there is nothing I can do about it. He loves me and I am satisfied." Never giving thought to the fact that I was not satisfied. It is quite a selfish outlook on it. She cared enough that it bothered her but she did not care enough to make the sacrifice to change. I hear this alot in your original post. It bothers you but you do not want to take the responsibility to change. Your husband looks at porn because your sex life is in the dump. If you were as sexual or even close to as sexual as when you met he would never do this. but it's much easier to blame him, isn't it? I may be too close to the fire on this one, but I feel no sympathy for you. You need to find out why you are like you are. And most importantly you need to change in order to save your relationship. It's up to you. Be a selfish housewife or be your husbands soulmate again. Which will you do....

[sameasalways]

Personally I don't think being a soulmate has anything to do with sex. I am not saying its right or wrong, its just what I believe. I can go out and have sex with anyone I want if I really wanted to, but because I don't know that person, the sex is no good. By having sex with someone, you are not a soulmate. I also don't feel I am being selfish. Whenever my husband wants sex, he gets it. I never ever turn him down. And what makes you think that the porn started after the drop in sex? This has been an issue since the day I lived with him, not just recently. I was a very giving person but I don't have energy to do it anymore. Also, my husband knows he has it good with me, if he wants to leave just because of the sex, there is nothing stopping him. I know that and he knows that. I fully admit I am at the very root, an attention whore. I do know I loved and married my husband not because of sexual attention, but the attention he showed to my spirit when I met him. This is what truly allowed us to have the best sex life. He was the first man who nurtured the spiritual side of me, and that I could trust fully. Without that, a man is just a man is just a man. (for me). I have had online relationships with a man before just for the attention aspect alone......I don't anymore, and my husband caught me and we were in a big fight. But it wasnt' about sex, (we never had sex, just online stuff), it was for the sheer conversation and joy, and attention and passion it sparked in me. I suppose after 6 years maybe that just isn't possbile anymore, I don't know. The other thing is, we have plenty of opportunities to have actual sex, but instead of him coming to bed, he will stay up on his computer. By the way, how does a woman iniitiate sex anyway? I think I have done it before. But no I'm not going to get up and do a strip tease for him. Like I said I am shy already, self conscious, and I know we could go to strip bar and watch professionals do it if he wants to that bad (I fully told him I wanted to go to the strip bar here because I"d never been to one). I just don't know what is normal in an actual long term marriage (not one lasting just one year). I don't know maybe I'm making it sound like we have a horrible relationship or something, but we don't. Things are just weird sexually right now, I don't know if they are weird for him, but they are for me. I don't think I would ever leave my husband because our life together is too good. But I have had a fantasy or two about other men, as far as wondering what they are like, ect. I have heard that is normal but it sure puts the guilt trip on you and makes you wonder why you would think about it to begin with. Maybe its just the feeling that its okay for men to do that but not women. I'm not sure. Maybe its also that I just naturally like it when the male is more aggressive than the female.....it turns me on then a lot more. I don't like to feel like I have to beg someone to have sex with me but then that goes both ways....maybe that is the real issue. Also, I show my feelings and affections often times by doing things for him, little things that add up. I am not sure how he shows his affection for me. I wish he would do more little things as I love them. I don't think he is as creative as me as far as, I can go out with him somewhere alone, and want to go for a "walk" and he will get all frustrated with me wanting to do something out of the ordinary, when really I thought it would be cool to find some hidden spot and have sex. But because of his negativity, it gets shot down and I just forget about it. He never ever comes up with ideas like that and I do miss that. I feel like I'm just being a total bitch in these posts but I just wanted to know how married people keep things balanced in their lives and alive.

[speedracer780]

Well it seems that you have successfully pointed out most of his gfaults in that last post. I'm certainly not saying he is doing everything right. But what about you? What are some of your faults? What do you do wrong? The whole selfish comment was based around your comments like, I will not strip for him. Let him go to a strip bar if he wants that. To me, that is selfish behavior. completely refusing to do something that innocent with your own husband because of your own issues that you refuse to deal with. It just makes no sense to me. And when you first started the post you said it was you that didn't have a sex drive. you seem to have quite a healthy one if you are waiting in bed for him and fantasizing about other men. PLus, you now say that anytime he wants sex he gets it..... That seems like a great sex life. I'm just amazed that he only wants it once or twice a month. The more I read your posts the more they seem to contridict each other. Which is it??? You can PM me if you don't want to keep posting these, since it's just us responding to this subject.

[sameasalways]

hmm what is stopping me from jumping all over him? Usually when I am really really horny, it is impossible to have sex for one thing. Also there is the thought in my head of being stupid, ridiculous, an embarrassment to my self, and sluttiness. Also, I don't like to feel that I have to seduce someone to get them into bed with me (alas, I am sure he feels the same way!). Unfortunately it is always my fantasy that someone will seduce ME! You know, being swept away, all that. I am sure that must be his deal too....wanting to feel that way.

[speedracer780]

Exactly! After 6 years of marriage you still refer to sex with alot of "ME's". How is he supposed to know when you are horny and when you are not if you never let him know. He's your husband!! I'm sure you are not going to embarrass yourself with him. Sometimes men need seduced too. Do you really want me to bring up the whole selfish thing again? Marriage is about "We" not "me". You already know this..... Or at least you should. Start giving a little more and I'm sure he will start doing the same. And don't always expect things (sex, attention, etc...) to be handed to you. You want a healthy sex life then you have to work for it. you both do!

[sameasalways]

When I use "me" language, I am trying to express how I feel about the situation and take responsibility for that. I honestly don't think it would be fair of me to try to explain how he feels unless he has expressly told me. The only thing he has expressly told me is that he wishes I would initiate sex more.

[speedracer780]

And what is wrong with doing that? Even if it is every once in awhile. Why put all the responsibility to initiate on him?

[sameasalways]

I didn't say there was something right about making him take all the responsibility. Actually for the longest time I didn't even know that women initiated sex. Or that men wanted them to. But honestly there is osmething that turns me off about the thought of coming up to him when he's on the computer to try to steal him away from it just so I can have time with him and have sex. He understands that. I am sure being an adult, if he was wanting to have sex, he would pull out from the computer and come to bed when he has the chance. I have initiated sex in some minor ways before, such as cuddling with him, stroking him, or waking him in the middle of the night with a surprise. I am just not blatant about it and find it virtually impossible to do so.

[speedracer780]

I also think you both have to deal with the fact that your husband may have a computer addiction. I'd love to see what would happen if you wouldn't have a computer for a month... It is possible to live life without it.

[sameasalways]

I thoroughly agree and of course, especially in the past, this was a source of a lot of discord between us, and me holding bitterness toward him. I don't know why, but I guess I just don't think about it too much anymore. Well I am sure it bothers me but I just don't get upset and start crying or fighting with him about it anymore. I would love to see that too (the life w/outcomputer for a month). IN all likely hood that is not going to happen though. Its unfortunate he might be missing out on actual life because of it. He has curbed it compared to the first 3 years we were married thank god! He is a good guy and he does try and I'm not trying to make excuses for him. I do think everyone has their issues. We are going out around the 4th and I hope we have a lot of fun. Last year we did.

[speedracer780]

If he knows he addicted and wants to quit he may actually agree to no computer. i did it once and it helped alot. I'm actually thinking about quitting it again for awhile.

[sameasalways]

Well it can't hurt. That is for sure.