My ex is being wined and dined...

[cobro]

Hello,

I've posted my story a couple of times on here, so here is a background. At the end of April, my girlfriend broke up with me to go back to her ex-boyfriend from 4 years earlier. I'm 24, she is 20. She was my first everything. The guy she went back to is 30, he cheated on her the first time they dated. Needless to say, I'm having a hard time getting over her. I already know they are sleeping together all the time, I've accepted that. I found out today from her best friend that the new guy is wining and dining her and treating her like a queen. She spends all her time with him. I found that quite strange, because I did the same at first. I am a full time student in college and work full time, so towards the end of our 2 year relationship, I had little time/money to live up to her high standards. She would always tell me it didn't matter. I would want to take her out, go on trips, but I just couldn't afford it. I told her as soon as I got my degree I would have the time and money and would do anything she wanted. She would always say "I know". Now I find out this new guy is doing everything I couldn't do, because he works at night as a bartender and has no future goals or aspirations, just a night job and all day to spend with her and spend his money on her. Plus he is older. I think he is doing all of this for an alterior motive, to sweep her off her feet and get her where he wants her, then he can hurt her if he wants, just like he did when he cheated on her before. I feel stupid, but I know that I could not have provided her everything that he is providing, only because I was looking towards the future. I want a degree, good job, and THEN I can provide that. She obviously did not want to wait. I know that is part of the reason she broke up with me and why she is soooo happy now. But I have a feeling that her happiness will be short lived, how long can it go on? She is high maintenence, likes to act like what she sees on TV, hence the "sex and the city" lifestyle of wining and dining. What is her deal. Can that fantasy world last forever? She was never content when with me, happy for a while then disgruntled. Even when I wined and dined her, she eventually grew tired and apathetic of it. The whole point of this post is to see if all the material things in the world can make a girl happy, or will she come crawling back to me a few months/years from now looking for that nice genuine guy, not like the guy she is with now? Any advice or comments, PLEASE HELP!!!

 

cobro

[Heretic]

You really have no reason to suspect he isn't a genuine nice guy. As far as I call tell he's not doing anything wrong.

 

Listen if all this girl cares about is money you can't be serious about trying to get her back. That's pretty foolish. Next time you're in a rut she's going to ditch you for a sugar-daddy. That's not a good place to be in.

 

Let her live her life. Relax and back off. She seems to be doing fine.

[stones]

Dear Cobro.

 

I understand what you must be going through. My boyfriend is working full time and studying part time. His job demands him to work from early morning until late in the evening. Even when he comes back to his apartment, he brings his job home. I'd be lucky if I catch him for dinner sometimes. On weekend, he studies and attends classes. We hardly ever go out etc. He pays for his university fees himself and is very independent.

 

You know what, this is all okay with me. I'm working and studying too so I understand his and your constrains. Though his job is demanding, he is able to squeeze some hours with me sometimes, go out for dinner, go bowling, catch a movie etc. It's not that he neglects me altogether. We both just realise that in order to have a comfortable life, we need to make an effort. Certain sacrifices need to be made for a better future. We can't go lavishing time and money because at the end of the day you'll have to look back at yourself and need to have that sense of achievement.

 

Hence, as to answer your question, there is no such thing as a perpetual fantasy. Time goes on and on and when you eventually look back, you want to know what you have made yourself of. I have not read you last posts but I suppose your ex does not have a job. I don't know if she is still studying. But I don't think she appreciates how hard you've worked at earning your money. Money is not everything. But appreciation and respect is.

 

She seems to be hopping from one guy to another just for the money. Like a parasite. One day, she will realise that reality is a little harder than that.

 

Work hard, study hard, Cobro. Love is someting money cannot buy.

[crookster_man]

"I can't get over my EX-GF. I feel like she betrayed me and used me, I tried my best to please her but it wasn't good enough I'm not good enough. I can't let go. Please tell me I'm not trash"

 

Cobro, she is gone. Trust me. I to broke it off with my GF in the end of April. She is gone, she cheated on me with a friend and I left her. What's my point? I'm letting her go. I usually don't go into personal details when writing these posts but I feel it might be of some help to you. This is part of my healing process, I write advice on relationships and I try to be as positive as possible. What are you doing to heal? Are you even trying or are you still pinning over her?

 

after reading your post I noticed a few things. Your confidence and ego are severely wounded. You say "he works at night as a bartender and has no future goals or aspirations". What are you trying to say? you are better then him because you have a future? Well you know what your right. You do have a future in regards to social status and bigger possible income. Does that make you feel better? Love is not logical. Women traditionally go for the stable successful type (Not young women) therein lies the problem, in 5 yrs I think this would be a different story. BUT IT'S NOT!

 

You need to focus on building up your confidence and self worth. Start new hobbies and go to new places, do new things, anything! Right now you feel that you are second best? You are allowing someone the power to tell you how much you're worth?

 

Trust me in five years from now she will be a distant memory, in 5 months from now you won't understand why you dated her for so long. Focus on what you can gain from this experience. Look at the positive. Whenever memories or thoughts of her enter your mind just thing of her as "gone". She is gone, not because you're not good enough, but because she is not right for you. Count your losses and gather your insights and move on. She isn't worth your time, but you are, stop grieving and start healing.

[cobro]

Basically, you summed it up crookster. My confidence and self esteem is in the pits. I have and still are trying new things, I'm going out to clubs and having fun with friends, working out, running, just keeping busy. I'm having a hard time talking to girls though. Don't get me wrong, I'm doing better now than I was last month, but I have my days, and this just happened to be one of them, after finding out news about her. We are on good terms, she knows she can call me anytime and says I can call her. But I won't. I don't want her back, but there is that little part of me which wonders what could happen. I just need to block that out and I will be ok. As far as he goes, I do feel that I am a better person than him (once a cheater always a cheater), I know that sounds cocky. But it does make me feel better and gives me some motivation to better myself, knowing that I can provide someone special with financial security a year from now, while he can provide her with free beer/wine and no cover charges one year from now But I can't blame him, he is just taking what she is giving up. I guess I am still trying to justify why things happened, but you gave the only right answer, we were just not right for eachother. And 5 years from now, I do see myself with someone who appreciates me for who I am, not a little immature materialistic girl like her. I'm glad she's happy now though. I wish I could say the same.

 

Later,

cobro

[Tolly]

Im in the same boat as you mate. Every day is hard, but some are harder than others. I have to see my ex g/f out with her new man often. Im able to put a brave face on it at the time and look like I dont care, but it always sets me back a bit. I hate that shes having a great time with him and that I cant be the one who's making her happy.

We do still speak, and speak well but only when he's not around. We had 2 1/2 good years together, but she doesnt think about them now. Nor does she call or txt which hurts. I dont txt or call her any more, but I did the whole txt pest thing for a while.

 

You and I can only hope that the pain will go away, but mine hasnt in 2 months although it is a bit easier now than back then.

[Gilgamesh]

Is your ex making a mistake? is this guy going to cheat on her again?, will they be unhappy together? who knows?, who cares?

 

the fact is , she dumped you for superficial reasons, this is not a girl to want in your life, let her go.

 

funny thing, I just gave advise to a lady that wants to show how much she loves her man, because of loosing his Job, house car and all that, he is working so hard that he only has maybe one day to be with her a week. and she is worried that he might not see how much she cares for him!! and wants to assist him etc.

 

This is the kind of woman worth wanting in your life,

 

stop looking behind you or blamming your self, to hell with your ex, stop asking friends about them, dont make contact with them, just move on, the sooner you do, the sooner this pain you feel will go away.

[sameasalways]

I agree with everyone here. Try not take it personally. And a first real love is always really hard to get over. But most people do move on and actually you learn a lot from it. Also, you have to know, sometimes if you can think selfish thoughts, it helps you get through situations like this a little easier. I know I sound evil in all these primitive defense mechanisms but there might be some reason that they have survived so long (because often they work). And whoever said that having a bad thought after being burned was really so evil after all? Think of it this way......You are smart, hardworking, awsome with a bright future and a lot to offer the right woman in the future. Obviously this girl has no interest in any of that. Are you sure you would really want to even entertain the thoughts of having an ever after relationship with someone that doesn't share the same priorities and goals as you? She is only 20, and I do think most 20 year olds are not interested in settling down for a future with anyone yet anyway. You are going to meet some awsome women in the future who care a lot more for you and have a lot more to offer you than this young female who isn't ready for what you have to offer yet. There is nothing wrong with her decision at all and for her age, as long as she doesn't get too serious with anyone, she is probably doing the best thing right now for her. I think it would be best if you took the same lead and focused on yourself and what you deserve in your next relationship and what you want from someone in your next relationship. Maybe you just don't realize how fine of a catch you are going to be yet?

[cobro]

Thanks for the advice so far. Everyone is right, I have to move on. I am going to move on. I feel kinda stupid for even posting that, I feel 100% better today. I know she is happy and I am happy. I just have some issues I need to work on, mostly having to deal with self-esteem due to the relationship. A lot of thoughts were put into my head over the last 2 years by her, to the point where I think there is something wrong with me. But I know there is nothing wrong with me, she was just trying to change me into what she wanted. I won't go into detail, but I was told I wasn't outgoing enough and at one point I was too fat. When she told me that, I was 5'11 200lbs. Now I am 168lbs. So once I get over my shyness and fear of talking to females again, I will be ok and able to date again. Thanks again for listening, this place is great.

 

cobro