Forgiveness.... is it really possible?

[alpal]

I recently got back together with my b/f after our break up. we have been together for a year.

(Our break up) : I had trouble trusting him and after a few weeks of mental torture because I knew something was wrong I eventually found out that he cheated on me on an overseas work trip. They kept in touch and I ashamedly read their emails to each other.

It's crazy but I read these emails over and over dissecting every word to make sense of it all.

Nobody ever suspected he would do something like this and I had many sleepless nights worrying about it all. When I first confronted him outright and he lied barefaced to me.

Although much of this is now in the past and he was extremely cut up about losing me. We are now back together and at first it was great, like rediscovering each other but now he has relaxed right back into it and I sort of resent his casualness??

 

I don't think I have let go completely and sometimes have trouble with negative thoughts. It has really damaged my self esteem and made me doubt myself.

I can't decide whether my negativity is because I have low self esteem right now or because I just don't trust his feelings for me anymore.

I am doing the classic "what did she have that I can't give you?" scenario..

 

My parents said that most guys would have run a mile instead of face the music and try and work it out and that I should give him a chance.

 

I really do love him but my heart has got lost somewhere and I hoping that the special feelings will come back. I don't understand why I keep torturing myself with thouhgts about this other woman all the time.

 

We have talked about it and both realise its gonna take time to get back to happiness again. I think if it was anyone else I would have told them to take a ride but I do love him very much and know that he does care for me. My problem is getting rid of the thoughts that remind me of it all the time.

Has anyone ever experienced anything like this and survived it? Could you offer me some practical advice on forgiveness?

It's not like we are having a dreadful time it just feels like something is amiss.

 

faithless....

[melrich]

but now he has relaxed right back into it and I sort of resent his casualness??

 

Certainly it is too early for you to just forgive and forget and it is really his responsibility now to win back your trust.

 

The reason I highlighted the above quote was because I think something has gone wrong here. He has forgotten what he did. He is no longer feeling responsible for it.

 

The best predictor of a person's future behaviour is their past behaviour. Unfortunately for you your b/f has cheated in the past, he is far,far more likely to offend again than someone who has never cheated.

 

Your taking him back and allowing him to slip back into the relationship and get comfortable just says to him well, the repercussions are not that bad...etc.

 

No i don't think you'll ever get rid of your unease. I don't think your parents should ever have passed an opinion and i don't think this relationship will ever be what you want it to be. He feels validated and powerful, I think you have created a huge rod for your back.

[saint_saul]

Hmm.. I can only give you advice from past experience I have had, which is actually quite the opposite. A couple months ago I was involved with a guy who, by all accounts, was in love with me. I'm not quite sure if my feelings for him were exactly the same, but I did care for him, etc. Anyway, I ended up cheating on him (and not just once.. I know, I know, I'm terrible), but the guilt got to me and I told him everything. Because he was so emotionally attached to me, I (of course) felt bad and thought that perhaps things could be salvaged and rekindled. However, when I got back into the relationship, something was definitely amiss. It wasn't like what we had before (before I cheated) and I knew I could never feel the same way about him again. I told him it wouldn't work out; he was devastated but is working on "getting over it," I guess. So, basically, when I hear you say something has gone amiss, I'm really concerned about your own feelings in the relationship. If you can't find exactly what it is, then the relationship is probably doomed because you will never be able to figure it out (like I did... my feelings were just gone). I know my story is a different side of the coin, but I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong, either, and it would of saved both of us a lot of time/effort/feelings if I discovered that sooner. Nonetheless, good luck with your relationship. Try figuring it out before it devastates you.

[OceanEyes]

When someone you love cheats on you, it destroys the meaning in the relationship. It challenges your beliefs, and kills the original sense of trust and comfort. This isn't helped with a blasé attitude on his part, as it is probably making you feel foolish for accepting him back in the first place.

 

My parents said that most guys would have run a mile instead of face the music and try and work it out and that I should give him a chance.

 

This seems like an outdated assessment on male/ female behaviour in relationships. I picture a couple from the 50s or something having this opinion. Well girl, let me tell you, things have changed a lot, and you don't have to accept a man back into your arms and your bed who has wronged you, just because he's trying to "face the music". Big deal. Is your role as a woman to forgive a man and overlook being treated like crap? I don't think so. My guess is that you're strong and independent, and don't need a man to pay your bills or put food in your belly.

 

I think right now, you're realizing that you're not going to be okay with this, and seem unsure of the future. It's understandable that you're questioning his sincerity and devotion for you, and to be completely honest, I think you gave in too easily. This isn't even about the cheating at this point - it seems more about your ability to believe in yourself and that you're not even "good enough" to keep him from straying. This isn't just your problem, and if things are going to work out, he has to play a role in helping you 'believe' again.

 

You might want to accept the fact that you've not forgiven him. Forgiving means to release any resentment towards him with an intention of moving past the issue with a clear, positive state of mind. If you can't see that happening, it's time to let him know. See what he says/ does and evaluate whether or not your own sense of self is more important than being in relationship with a man who you can't trust, and who doesn't even seem to remember that he cheated on you.

[alpal]

I guess I do feel like a bit of a fool but I also know that I can be my own worst enemy too. If anything I just think I gave in a bit too soon.

 

I have had this sort of thing happen to me quite a few times in the past and before now I adopted a no mercy attitude towards it and moved on. I guess this time I feel differently and think it is a relationship worth saving.

I told him that I recented him for acting like everything was back to normal and his reaction was that he didn't want to forget about what had happened because he doesn't want it to happen again but didn't want to be miserable forever either. I also asked him if he trusted himself not to do it again and he said yes.. and this I believe. He was pretty distraught in the beginning and went to see a councellor.

 

It is much harder for me as it is a huge leap of faith to begin to trust him again. But forgiveness is not something you do for someone else, it's something that you do for yourself isn't it?

I think it is a huge risk I am taking but I guess I want to see if I can forgive and if I can't then I worry that I will hold all this bitterness inside forever and never be able to trust anyone.

I guess time will tell but I also have to allow myself to be happy too.

 

If the feelings never come back then I guess it has resolved itself.

thanks for the posts its good to see another perspective.

[7CardStud]

I personally don't forgive people... If you hurt me, ima make sure you can't hurt me again... People who say "I forgive, but don't forget..." i think that is some crap... How can you completely forgive someone, but never forget what they did to you? I NEVER GOT THAT AT ALL! It still confuses the heck out of me...

[fantasia2004]

oh yeah that is true . How can you do that ? not possible man just not emotionally possible