he says he isnt cheating

[babs2002ukus]

my man is living with his mum and dad cos there both sick ppl he comes to my place weekends (fri to mon ) we have been together for nearly 3 years and we live 50 miles appart last year arround this time i went to his house for the weekend and i was on his computer looking for his music i clicked on what i thought was a music file only to find he had been having cyber sex with some women cams the lot i read it all i felt sick stormed out of the room and said i was going he said whyyyyyyyy i said look at your computer ...thats y (i had left the messages on there) he begged me not to leave that it only happened the once in a moment of madness and wouldnt happen again he later deleeted and blocked all the womens names that he used to chat with and just left mine and our familys name on there then last friday when he came .... he was different ...i reconised the signs from last year he was acting the same as he was last year only i didnt see it ...this time it was as clear as a bell esp when we went to bed on sat he did something that i dont want to go into turned over went to sleep i got up and threw my guts up he has never used me like that b 4 i felt like a sex object i couldnt sleep so i went on the net went to his emails and found all these emails from women answering his emails to him ...one even went into detales about her past breakups and told him thats why che couldnt tell him face to face

on monday before he went home i confronted him with this all and he said they were his backgammon friends and that they had emailed him ...he went home and promptly changed his email password then today i got an email from an old friend that knows me and dave she thought we had split up when i asked her y she thought that she said cos dave has just joined the same on line dateing as she was in...on monday he said it was all in my head that i was being silly and that he was happy with me n didnt want to chang anything and today i find hes emailing loads of women in a dateing agency saying hes single and wants fun or more ....dont know u tell me ..if you can

[tiger_lilies]

I think that the evidence speaks for itself. Use your common sense. What does his constant lying tell you about him? He lied to you when you first confronted him, then he lied to you again and then yet again. He is sorry he got caught, not because it was a "moment of madness". Pahhhleease!

 

Lose this loser! You deserve much better than to constantly wonder if he's cheating on you or not.

[Hope75]

I think it's pretty clear from his actions that he is cheating, wouldn't you say?

 

I'm sorry that this is happening to you, and I hope you can see that the evidence you need is right in front of your face. Now it's up to you what you want to do with it.

 

It sounds like Dave has little respect for you or the commitment he made with you, are you willing to accept infidelity and lies as a part of your relationship? Don't you think that you deserve more?

 

You do. Someone who loves you would not treat you this way.

 

If I were you, I would give him his walking papers. This is clearly not a one time occurrence, it has been going on for over a year and it's pretty clear he has no intention of stopping, or of being faithful to you.

 

Healthy relationships are based on mutual caring, trust and respect. He's shown that he has none of these for you, so now you need to decide what you are willing to accept.

 

I hope you know that you should never accept this kind of treatment and will be able to leave him and move forward, and give yourself a chance to meet someone who WILL treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

[wynterose]

I agree with everyone here...

 

ACTIONS speak louder than words. He can tell you that he won't do it again until he's blue in the face, but lets face it.... he will.

[babs2002ukus]

thanks for telling me what i already knew but you know what it is like you have to hear it somany times before it sinks in.... i love this man with all my heart ...i had spent 12 years on my own before i let him into my life then i waited 12 months to let the guards down he knew how badly i had been hurt b 4 .....what kind of man does this to a woman ...bless her my mum before she died said to me ...babs stay on your own you are the only one u can trust dont trust men ....im starting to wonder why the hell didnt i listen to her ....thanks again everyone ... i have a job to do this weekend ....... i have to let go of the love of my life .........not going to be easy .... but i have to

p.s. i will let you know how i get on when i come back monday ....if im in any fit state

[Hope75]

Best of luck and your mum was wrong.... there are men out there that you can trust. I'm just sorry that the one you chose to let in was a low down jerk who abused that trust.

 

You are doing the right thing-- and do let us know how it goes, we will be here for support if you need it after the breakup.

 

((HUGS))

[babs2002ukus]

as i sit here and my heart is breaking in 2 not being able to sleep or eat i know in my heart (what is left of it ) that it is the right thing to do ill get over it but god alone knows when it took 12 years last time ... its my birthday on tuesday i will be 53 in another 12 years i will be 65 am i really going to want to try and start again.................. i dont think so ............... i never thought that i would let this happen to me again ....but there u go it has ...im starting to wonder if there is something wrong with me ..................... everyone says he is the fool including his older sister who knows all about this but has promised not to say anything till i have spoken to him...she is so angry with him you wouldnt believe ...but that doesnt help me i know i can still have the contact with his family ...i have his son living with me and he doesnt want to go he wants to stay with me and has lost respect for his dad ...i dont want him loosing respect for him but how can i tell him to have respect ......... i also dont want to know what he is doing after the split ...but i want to keep in touch with heather ...my head is going round and round in curcles and nothing seems to be coming together ...only one thing ...i have to end it and it is breaking my heart

[Hope75]

His son is losing respect for him b/c of what HE did, not anything you have control over.

 

Maybe it will be a wake up call if his own children are disgusted by his behaviour.

 

You ARE doing the right thing, and who knows what may happen you may find a good guy in a year... or find that your time is better spent doing things you love to do. You don't need a man to be happy...

 

It sounds like his family is really supportive of you and I think that's good-- reinforcing that you are the innocent victim here and that you are doing the right thing.

 

It will be an adjustment, but remember, he brought this on himself, you are only protecting yourself.

[babs2002ukus]

i have just been sitting here looking at the top of the main page ...this is my first time on here ..... and i suddenly saw the birthdays list .....16 21 28 19 ....then i think of my age .............. here i am at 52 pouring my heart out cos i cant handle what has happened to me ...you would think at my age i would know what to do ..... i am so sorry if any of you think i am to old for this ..... i guess what im trying to say is no matter how old you get you still get hurt .... i might be 52 but right at this moment i feel like a 16 year old who has just been hurt buy her first boyfriend i really hope that you all understand that age is just a number .... and that just cos u get older it doesnt mean that u cant get hur

[melrich]

i have his son living with me and he doesnt want to go he wants to stay with me and has lost respect for his dad

 

Hi. I know you are really hurting right now. The first thing I want to say is try as hard as you can to not bring his son into any of this. This may mean softening for him the reasons you and your b/f are having troubles right now. Believe me, involving his son will only hurt the boy in the long run. It will cause tremendous conflict for him.

 

I do agree with the other posters that this guy has at least emotionally cheated on you. It is very easy for us to sit here and advise you to get rid of him and move on with your life. But as you say you are 52 and 3 years invested in a relationship now is a long time.

 

You have to decide yourself whether there is any hope for the relationship or you want to give him another chance. All I would say is that it is possible for relationships to recover from this sort of thing.

[Hope75]

You are never too old to come on this forum and receive support. There are people of all ages here.... a broken heart feels bad if you are 15 or 50. Don't apologize for needing someone to talk to. That's why we are here.

 

 

I do agree with the other posters that this guy has at least emotionally cheated on you. It is very easy for us to sit here and advise you to get rid of him and move on with your life. But as you say you are 52 and 3 years invested in a relationship now is a long time.

 

You have to decide yourself whether there is any hope for the relationship or you want to give him another chance. All I would say is that it is possible for relationships to recover from this sort of thing.

 

While I agree with Melrich that you have been together for awhile, that does not make it excusable, what he did to you-- at any age no one should have to accept that kind of treatment because they fear this is their last chance to have a relationship.

 

There are alot of couples who meet and marry older than you are, I am a student nurse and I have heard at least a dozen stories from my older patients of how they met and married the true loves of their lives well into their 50' and 60's. Heck, I just read an article in my local paper a month ago about a couple who were 82 & 83 respectively, and had been friends for years and got married at the nursing home where they both live.

 

This is not a one time occurrence. He has done it over and over and hiding it from you and lying to you about it-- it's not as though it happened once and then he was deeply sorry and it never happened again.

 

I can't tell you what is right for you, but just know that you deserve better and someone who loved and respected you would never do this you.

[melrich]

While I agree with Melrich that you have been together for awhile, that does not make it excusable, what he did to you-- at any age no one should have to accept that kind of treatment because they fear this is their last chance to have a relationship

 

No I agree, I am definitely not saying it is excusable at all or that this would be a last chance at a relationship, far from it.

 

I am just saying that you shouldn't feel backed into a corner and that your only option is to dump him. 3 years in a relationship at 50 years of age is a far greater investment than say 1 year at 22. I totally agree what he has done is inexcusable and would not be easy to forgive. But you do have that option.

[babs2002ukus]

his son knows all about it ...i didnt intend for him to find out ....... he came home unexpectedly and heard me crying when i was talking to my daughter about it and he also saw the email as we have a shaired email account and he read it before me ..... antony came to me just 9 months after i met dave he was living with his mum and step father and had run away 10 times before and his dad always marched him back to his mums...i only met antony in the august as he ran to me in the november ...he ran to me cos he knew i wouldnt march him back to his mums he was just 15 at the time and at that age where he didnt know who or what he was he was hard work he stole money from me lied cheated ...drove me up the wall till at the end of january i had had enough after he stole £200 off me that was the straw that broke the cammels back i had 3 children of my own and not one of them had treated me with such disrespect as antony had done ..... i blew my top and said to him that he had to go ....i didnt care where he went i didnt care if i lost his dad threw it ( i hadnt let my guard down at that time ) he just had to go cos i wasnt being treated like this .......... he walked out ...went missing for 2 hours ...and im ashamed to say ...i didnt give a damm....that is the honest truth . i didnt .......he came back in and i just looked at him he threw his arms arround me and said he was sorry he had sat down and thought about all the rotten things that he had done to the only person who had tryed to understand him .....from that day on he has never lied to me i trust him with my life he hasnt stolen from me he has attended everyday that he had to be in school and gone on to collage to study building and passed 6 exams this summer and he says he wouldnt have done it if it wasnt for me...i say he did it himself ....i just pointed him in the right direction .....i guess the point that i am trying to make is that his dad every time antony stole from me lied ( and there were many many times ) his dad said to him and instilled into him.....be sure your lies will find you out ............ i wont in any way stop ...try to infulence ....or call antonys dad in front of him ....i didnt do it to my own and im not going to do it to him ....... you know what antony said to me tonight ........he said im supposed to look up to my dad and be proud to say ....thats my dad ....but im not ....cos all as he has done is lie to me as well .......... i will keep helping antony and encourageing him to see his dad ....and to work hard at collage ...... his dad is the one that has hurt him not me ....

[Hope75]

Sounds like you have done alot for this boy and it's great that with your support and discipline he has turned his life around.

 

I agree with others that you should try not to involve him if possible, he's already read the email so not much you can do about that, but as you said just don't trash his dad to him or fight with his father in front of him or on the phone near him, encourage him to see his dad and keep a relationship with him, and handle what's going on between yourself and his father privately.

 

Again I am sorry that this happened to you-- Melrich is right you do have the option of forgiveness, and I hope you don't feel backed into an corner by me or other posters to leave him if you really think you can work this out together.

[melrich]

i will keep helping antony and encourageing him to see his dad ....and to work hard at collage

 

That is good. You sound like you have a great heart. I hope whatever way it falls out that things go well for you.

[babs2002ukus]

i think that the only way that i can even try to forgive him for this is if there is some sort of commitment from him ....like he moves in with us and the computer goes off when we go to bed ....and he doesnt stay up half the night on it or get up in the middle of the night to go on it ( witch is what he does ).... he has 4 sisters that live near his mum that can all help to look after them .....but this must come from him ...i am not going to suggest it ...he has to ....but i dont think he will ...i think he was just using me till something better came allong and the only reason was his son...he hasnt anywhere for his son to go thats why he said he is happy the way things are

 

[melrich]

Well you yourself have to decide whether that is something you want to do but yes if you decided to give him another chance you need to set some conditions around it. He has to earn your trust back. Not with words but with action.

[babs2002ukus]

this is what i thought .....but all these things have to come from him and if he really wants to make a go of it he will think of these things himself .......wont he .... or is it just my wishfull thinking

[melrich]

I think you should talk to him. Don't assume anything from now on.

[Hope75]

.....but this must come from him ...i am not going to suggest it ...he has to ....but i dont think he will ...i think he was just using me till something better came allong and the only reason was his son...he hasnt anywhere for his son to go thats why he said he is happy the way things are

 

 

Why do you think he is using you just for his son?

 

How does he treat you otherwise?

 

Already he is disrespectful of you and the relationship and I wouldn't trust him for one minute... and remember when you have to set conditions on a relationship like that and police them you start to become more like a parent then a lover... when there is no trust in the relationship.

[wynterose]

Again I am sorry that this happened to you-- Melrich is right you do have the option of forgiveness, and I hope you don't feel backed into an corner by me or other posters to leave him if you really think you can work this out together.

 

Hope and Melrich are right... you do have options. My parents went thru a break up a few years ago, and my mum had the same worries that you have. She was 57 and was scared at the prospect of retiring alone. In the end, she decided to take back my father when he gave her a commitment and left his mistress. Since then, it has been a difficult time for them because of trust issues, but they've found a place in thier relationship where they both feel like they are going forwards as a couple. My mom doesn't regret taking him back even when we all told her she shouldn't...

[babs2002ukus]

i am going to but i have to wait till monday to talk to him as his sisters (heather the one i get on with really well ) daughter gets married and we have been invited as a family i have to drive to his house tomorrow ... i love his mother dearly ....he is the only boy and he has 4 sisters .... and also his father an the fact that i havent got a mom n dad makes me love them just that little bit more ........ heather really wants me to go to the wedding .... i want to spend sunday with his mum and dad cos i guess it will be the last time i see them then when ant is out seeing his mum monday morning and his mum and dad are shopping and the house is empty just me and dave ....this is the time that i have to tell him it is over and why it is over ...i am not one for rows or shouting cos i dont believe it gets you anywhere ....you just end up saying things that you dont really mean...then i will leave to get antony and come home ...i cant say goodbye to his mom and dad ...it will hurt nearly as much as saying goodbye to him...... this is the only way i can do it so that i dont hurt anyone or ruin heathers daughters day cos i get on with them so well as well....the thing that im not looking forward to is having to sleep in the same bed as him ...but what else can i do

 

[Hope75]

Why do you think he is using you just for his son?

 

How does he treat you otherwise?

[melrich]

the thing that im not looking forward to is having to sleep in the same bed as him ...but what else can i do

 

I don't know your situation but you should not have to do this. It is his actions that caused this. Tell him you do not want him to stay that night, you are sorting things out in your mind, he will have to stay somewhere else.

 

Good luck with everything. Stay in touch.

[babs2002ukus]

i dont know ....its prob just me ....but maybe he thinks if we finish ...he will have to lookafter his son.... he wont be able to stay at his moms cos there just isnt the room and his sisters wont take ant on .....