Question about emotional arguments

[TiredMan]

Does it make a difference if the one who says the mean abusive things when hurt because of their childhood and not because of them just being a rotten person?

 

I mention this because in my relationship of 8 years, when I was hurt bad or felt betrayed, I would sometimes say some really harsh things and not talk to her for a while. I NEVER touched her. When I lose my cool, I look like I would hit someone but I have never hit anyone.

 

I know that how I respond to things is wrong and am working on it by admitting it and am already in therapy. I'm wondering for those who might know about situations where a b/f, g/f or spouse were saying awful things if it should make a difference that I am doing these things to improve myself towards her now. Thanks.

[swimraider04]

Hey, I understand how you feel. When I get mad at my boyfriend it's usually things brought on by my own mental state of mind... It's not really much that he's done... but something he has done to tip me off. I explode and I immediately get tourettes syndrome. Things spill from my mouth that I don't even remember hearing anywhere in the world. Then I feel awful and try to make it up. I have also gone for therapy... But when you realize your fault and try to make it better... it really means something to the other person. Forgiveness is so much easier. And you need to forgive yourself too. Just keep working on keeping your cool. I salute you for going to get help. Emotions are so hard to control when you get an idea of wrong or betrayal in your head. Sorry I can't offer anymore advice... but I just wanted to tell you you're not alone. Feel free to Pm or message back.

[TiredMan]

I just feel like I am doing all this because I know my childhood verbal trauma that I endured has shaped my emotions. She has known this for all 8 years we were together. But all of a sudden she got fed up with it. The love is definitely still there from both sides. I just feel that deep in my gut, when it's a situation like this, that it's more of a sickness rather than just being a bad person. My parents used to say the most godawful things to me and it has scarred me. And when I feel hurt, I just want to stop the pain so I go on the offensive or I pull away. I don't want to do this and haven't done either in months. MANY situations have come up where I would do it, and I have restrained it. I know that I should probably be patient with her until she heals but it's so painful for me. I have had nightmares about 5 times a week for the past few years thinking about ever saying one word that hurt her or made her sad. I would rather not even sleep.

 

I just feel like if it means so much that I admit it and am getting help, then why can't she stand by me through it? She never once mentioned breaking or leaving and in fact was quite the opposite until this recent (about a month ago or so) thing. Like she just thought about it and changed her mind. We still talk on the phone daily but I just want her to forgive me so bad since I am doing everything I can to fix myself.

[swimraider04]

Hey, I think you are on the right track. It really seems like you care for her. And I believe that you do. I'm really sorry to hear about your troubled past. You are NOT a bad person. Believe that. You are a good person for realizing that you need to fix something. You have been given a challege and if you keep your persistence, and tell yourself that you WILL get better... just repeat it, keep your cool, you will prevail man, and you will get better.

As for her, maybe it just dawned on her like delayed reaction... maybe she just like... snapped... and she wants to see proof before she puts herself back in full force. I think she'll come around. You're sincere and you're trying. She'll get that. It's gonna take time but don't give up, NEVER give up! You'll find your peace.

Keep on keepin on. Message back

All the best!!!!

[TiredMan]

I spoke to her last night and was being kind of cold (as a defensive mechanism). I wasn't being mean, insulting her or doing any of those things from the past but I felt I had to hold back because when I open up and she is cold to me, I can't endure it. Then she got all upset. We spoke about 2 hours. 90 minutes were just us talking and she said that she doesn't know if she can trust that I won't ever hurt again. I told her to understand how much strength this is taking from me to change my mindset and that I want her to try and meet me halfway. It was late so nothing really got resolved but who knows.

 

I can tell she still cares but she has a lot of things about this on her mind all at once.

 

The worst part is she is so honest in saying she doesn't want me to hurt her. But when it dawns on her that she is hurting me, she gets sad too and actually somewhat blames me for "making her that way" which I think is completely unfair as her mindset was similar since birth.

 

I don't know what to expect but I'm hoping for the best.

[swimraider04]

I think it is unfair that she brings the blame back on you. She should be strong enough to admit that she is making you sad by standing off.

I understand that she doesn't want to be hurt again... But she needs to take a bit of a chance and reach out just a little more.

I would just try to keep talking about your progress. Try to leave out how much she's hurting you... and just show how much you care by telling her how you're improving. Tell her how much you miss her... but don't blame her for not being there. Just be totally honest and tell her how much you care... while updating her on your progress (so it prooves you care) If I'm wrong correct me... I'm only tryin ta help I hope it helps a little bit. Just remember that you are a good person, and that by trying to correct a fault It only makes you stronger. You'll be much stronger in the end.

feel free to message back

[TiredMan]

Whenever I think it's unfair, the guilt sets in for me being emotional and I back off a bit. I don't think I have forgiven myself even. I just hope she sees my intent is not to hurt her.

[TiredMan]

On days like this, I feel so sad and angry at the same time. I want to leave out how much she is hurting me but hw can I do that when every conversation I hear how much I did? That isn't communication at all.

 

I honestly feel like she is a selfish quitter and abandoner right now. This is someone who until the last day kept telling me how she was still in puppy love after all these years and how she did not act like a person who was quitting. Then she just thinks about it and that's that after 8 years? What kind of nonsense is that?

[Caterina]

THe only thing you can do is try to not say mean things to her. Forgive yourself if you do and keep improving...

[TiredMan]

THe only thing you can do is try to not say mean things to her. Forgive yourself if you do and keep improving...

 

I haven't said anything insulting like that in months. I have stopped it but the things she was doing that would hurt me enough to say them do continue to this day so it's a very uphill battle.

[shattered4good]

The two of you need to define what constitutes a fair fight.

 

Fair Fighting: Ground rules

Remain calm. Try not to overreact to difficult situations. By remaining calm it will be more likely that others will consider your viewpoint.

 

Express feelings in words, not actions. Telling someone directly and honestly how you feel can be a very powerful form of communication. If you start to feel so angry or upset that you feel you may lose control, take a "time out" and do something to help yourself feel steadier - take a walk, do some deep breathing, pet the cat, play with the dog, do the dishes - whatever works for you.

 

Be specific about what is bothering you. Vague complaints are hard to work on.

 

Deal with only one issue at a time. Don't introduce other topics until each is fully discussed. This avoids the "kitchen sink" effect where people throw in all their complaints while not allowing anything to be resolved.

 

No "hitting below the belt." Attacking areas of personal sensitivity creates an atmosphere of distrust, anger, and vulnerability.

 

Avoid accusations. Accusations will cause others to defend themselves. Instead, talk about how someone's actions made you feel.

 

Don't generalize. Avoid words like "never" or "always." Such generalizations are usually inaccurate and will heighten tensions.

 

Avoid "make believe." Exaggerating or inventing a complaint - or your feelings about it - will prevent the real issues from surfacing. Stick with the facts and your honest feelings.

 

Don't stockpile. Storing up lots of grievances and hurt feelings over time is counterproductive. It's almost impossible to deal with numerous old problems for which interpretations may differ. Try to deal with problems as they arise.

 

Avoid clamming up. When one person becomes silent and stops responding to the other, frustration and anger can result. Positive results can only be attained with two-way communication.

 

Establish common ground rules. You may even want to ask your partner-in-conflict to read and discuss this brochure with you. When parties accept positive common ground rules for managing a conflict, resolution becomes much more likely.

 

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Good luck

 

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[TiredMan]

I am trying, believe me. But it's tough to discuss things with a completely defensive person. They feel everything as an attack yet have no problem making their own comments. Becomes very frustrating.

[Gracelove]

It's good that you're improving yourself. Do it for you though. If you guys have already broken up, chances are that she no longer cares about your efforts to improve yourself. Emotional and verbal abuse are very damaging and you can't expect her to want to be with you because you have now sought counceling. To knowingly become involved in a relationship with a person who has abused her in the past would mean that she has lost respect for herself.

You can't blame her for leaving you. You should be grateful that she stood by you as long as she did. She sacrificed part of her life and happiness to be with you. The least you can do is respect her decision not to be with you. If you've developed any love or respect for her at all, you'll stay out of her life.

She is probably terrified of you, and there is probably nothing you say or do will redeem your image in her eyes.

Everyone has a limit. She wasn't placed on this planet to tolerate abuse. She has a bright future ahead of her and toxic behavior will only hinder her progress.

Try to move on.

[TiredMan]

I have to say one thing. It went both ways. She has said stuff to me TOO. Here's the thing. She hasn't moved on and all that. She has decided to string me along. She has issues from before she ever met me, you know? She runs away from everything, She always has. She thinks everyone is out to hurt her even when they aren't.

 

Don't get me wrong. I know what I said was wrong or not talking to her was wrong. But I am not one of those people who get in bad moods and do this, or have a bad day and do this. I can say for a fact that my responses are always in response to being hurt myself by something she said or did. I only took it too far. I see a difference between that and someone who has a bad at work and takes it out on their wife or something. You know what I mean? Everything did go both ways and it's 50 percent on her too. We are just both emotional people who can be easily hurt.

 

She ASKED me to stay and keep waiting while she is figuring things out. But at the same time, it takes two people to make things work.

 

Were you in an abusive relationship?