Rebounds??

[toonsy]

I heard that the one you date after a pretty serious relationship is 75% likely just a rebound.

 

I just brokeup with my BF a month ago and he is seeing someone new. He admits he still has strong feelings for me though but he 'doesnt argue with her'. Our relationship we extremely passionate! talked of marriage and future plans. He said he loved me and hasnt used the "L" word for anyone other than his parents or his wife (ex 6 years ago). He broke things off because we were arguing too much, but said he still loved me and saw our future...just couldnt argue anymore.

 

Is it likely a rebound?

Someone to help him handle the freetime?

Someone to help him 'get over things'?

 

What usually REALLY happens when a guy starts dating another girl after a serious relationship?

[rx7]

It depends. I was in a similar position. For sure this guy is not serious with the new girl.

 

It take a lot of personal integrity to skip the rebound stage. I knew inside that if I started sleeping around, I'd be writing off any chance of getting back together... I'd rather wait and do it on my own terms (sleeping around)....

 

In my opinion it almost makes getting over someone easier if they start to move on themselves, because then your not stuck in the grey area of the relationship... In your case, I would not worry about him, but rather work on your own life and be a little selfish....

 

Dont talk to him for a few months... If your still single, and he is then who knows... FOr now though let him do his thing and you do yours... ITS tough for sure :

[stolenshadow]

It's very difficult to say if it's a rebound, and sometimes those can last for years, or forever, so maybe it's better if you don't pay attention to that.

 

You might want to work more on why the fights happened, he told you clearly the problem was the fights, so, concentrate on that.

 

Finding the root will help with your future relationships, or if two go back together.

[toonsy]

I agree....the trick is, I think I know why but he doesnt recognize it (or at lease yet).

 

Immediately when we met he was instantly attracted and said he "just knew" i was the one he never thought he'd actually find. He was always afraid of losing me or that I might hurt him one day. He admitted even to sabotaging and 'testing' at times. Also, he was under a huge amount of stress. He wanted to be with me ALL the time, forgoing studies, time with friends and workouts.

 

I think all those factors were the reason. It was high passion....with that comes high emotions both good and sometimes not what you expect.

 

He seems to think it was "communication differences". Yet.....he's never had this issue with anyone else before he says! Hmmm.....never felt this much before yet never had this problem either.......coincidence??

 

So, unfortunately I think was the real reason was and what he is willing to believe at this time are 2 different things. I hope that's not a disadvantage. I dont want him to always think we 'just didnt get along'.

 

So, I dont know. Of course he hasnt argued with her yet.....its only been a month if that!

 

 

[Mun]

Hi there,

This sounds alot like the last relationship I had .

 

Can't say if she will be a rebound or not. Sometimes people choose to be with others for practical reasons that have nothing to do with passion or love. If there is mutual respect then love follows....sometimes. Or at least in the meantime there is a peaceful existence ( and sex).

 

What were all those arguments about? I'd like to know that ... you didn't mention them in your other topic. I mean, there must have been somethings about the relationship that were just not working or there would not have been so much tension.

 

I would think this: At some point you all stopped being friends and having the same considerations for each other you would have toward a good friend. Am I wrong?

[toonsy]

What were they about...like topic wise? STUPID THINGS! Im trying to even remember some of them..... Once we were play wrestling and I elbowed him really hard. It upset him but we didnt argue. It was the next morning when we did because when he said he needed 'a little time to cool down', to me that meant dont contact him. He contacted me but then asked why I didnt call or come over that night if it's really what I WANTED to do. He always said to do what I feel and dont worry about his reaction.

 

Once we argued after a car wreck. We were tired, worked up and stressed out. I said something and he missed what I said because he was pretty excited.

 

Overall, they were very insignificant topics. We never argued over relationship things, or differences of opinion, or things like that.

 

What I really think CAUSED the arguments was his fears that took place. He had said he'd never felt this much before and it scared him in a way. He was afraid to come out of his walls for fear I might hurt him one day. He always thought I would 'run' one day and hurt him. He admitted that sometimes he would cause arguments subconsciously as a sabotage or a test of sorts. He pushed me away as a defense mechanism. This is what he admitted to me. I realized it was every 3 weeks we argued. I told him this in the end and I told him it was like things were soaring high and everything was perfect and exciting.......then he'd start a fight as if to 'bring it down'......maybe that 'testing' thing.

 

Also, he was under alot of stress. He was/is in a CFP course that requires a lot of studying and of course he wanted to be with me all the time. So he got down on himself for not doing well on his weekly exams. His job is pretty competitive, he had a few family issues that came up.....

 

In my opinion I think it was all those factors mixed together. He spoke of being "overwhelmed" with all he had going on.

 

I had asked him at one time if he had ever argued like this before with anyone he'd dated and he said no.....not with as much emotion. But then.....he'd not been in love with any of them either.

 

I donned on me, and I hope it isnt true, that maybe this is someone he used to date before. This was his email to me after I sent him a letter telling him how I felt, and recognizing that i knew he could likely be with someone by now.......

 

I've been trying to think of a way to respond to your letter but haven't really been able to come up with anything. At this point, I'm confused I guess. On the one hand I still do have feelings for you (can't really turn things like that off) but on the other hand we argue so much and communicate so differently. I will say that, yes, I am seeing someone else and the biggest difference is that she and I don't argue. This isn't to say that arguing isn't a bad thing but rather that the amount of time spent arguing is what's important. While you and I have fun together, we simply argue too much and that stress level for me is something that I can't have. You know, between my class and work, my time (as is yours) is extremely valuable and I just can't have it spent that way.

 

I did enjoy seeing you the other day, you look great and cute in your summer outfit Again, thank you for the letter and sharing your feelings - I realize that you put yourself out there and how hard that must have been...I respect that. I am open to developing a friendship - I think that's what you and I missed - and who knows, anything can happen.

 

Clearly he believes it to be "communication" differences....

[toonsy]

Oh! I forgot to comment to your last line......

 

I would think this: At some point you all stopped being friends and having the same considerations for each other you would have toward a good friend. Am I wrong?

 

This is the first time i have just 'dated' someone. We werent friends. We met and the passion was immediate!! In fact, that is one thing I had always told him....this was new and scarey to me, i'd always known a guy as friends before dating them in the past.

 

That's why his response in the last part of his email........ We have both realized that a friendship foundation would have been significant for us.

[Mun]

So what has changed in him or in his life ( work, family, career) that is making a difference with this new girl? Do you have any idea? Or was it just that the two of you were not a good fit? She has a different temperament than you...

 

Do you really think being friends first would have made a difference?

Would that have prevented him from testing you every three weeks to see if you would leave him?

The interesting thing here is that in the end he was the one to leave you....he was the one causing some of the arguments that added to his stress level and eventually caused him to want to break up. What is up with that? He sounds a bit self-destructive if you ask me.

 

What do you think?

[toonsy]

Glutton for punishment? Maybe.

 

Well, as for myself I can say that not having been friends first made me on guard. I was amazed by how fast he fell for me and how passionate it all began. I am not one to let down my defenses easy. Neither is he.

 

For the first 1/2 of our relationship it seemed we were just dealing with letting down walls, fears of vulnerability......waves.

 

Coincidentally, things outside of the relationship stacked up about the same time we started dating. His job is fairly stressful at times. Of course, wouldnt you know it, right now is a slow time of the year. He started his course 2 weeks before we started dating. He didnt realize how much time commitment it would take. There was an "incident" about 3 weeks into our courtship with a person in his company. It was ongoing and very stressful. Wouldnt you know it......that person just quit a week after we broke up.

 

So what has changed in him or in his life ( work, family, career) that is making a difference with this new girl? Do you have any idea? Or was it just that the two of you were not a good fit? She has a different temperament than you...

 

Well.....for one, he said he's never felt for anyone in his life the way he felt for me. It was scary, exciting.... He wanted to spend all his time with me. He spoke of all things in a global way (marriage, future, etc.). Kind of the cart before the horse, puts a lot of pressure on things I think even though we both felt it. I didnt talk that way though.....I didnt deny any of it, but I didnt ever initiate those kinds of subjects.

 

I think we were a fantastic fit. I think that things moved fast, we faced fears of vulnerability way before we built friendship bonds. He admitted he didnt argue as much with others.....but then didnt really like them all that much either. What else makes her different? I dont know for sure, but I think he might have met her while out with friends, in a bar or casual setting. He and I met online = instant dating. He and I never participated in outtings with his friends and such. He basically stopped going out and spending time with them and only spent it with me. He is now going out more, making up the time with all his friends he put off while we were dating......and since i suspect he met her while out with them, me might be including her. Again, something we lacked.

[toonsy]

It seems she has a lot of advantages I didnt......

 

If he did meet her out, then she's met all the friends. It's now nice weather, she'll be invited out on the boat with him and the group. His course ends in 1 1/2 months. The stressor situation at his job, the employee.....quit right after we broke up. He's likely not going to fall in love at first sight and start off with huge fears and expectations.

 

And frankly, he and I didnt argue that early either......