Advice needed about my husband's new secretary

[tlh]

Over 3 years ago I quit an excellent job, sold everything and moved to France in order to support my husband in opening an office in his country. We both invested a lot of money and hard work to building up his clientele. During this time we also had a son who is now two years old. I work with my husband two days a week dealing with office management issues and all accounting to keep us from not going bankrupt with all the taxes we pay. However, my French is not so perfect and I don't sound as professional as I'd like when I answer the phone so I've not been really good at that. Last February, my husband was selected to attend a job fair to represent a school in Paris. There he befriended a young girl that was interested in his line of work. He invited her to the office on several occasions to see how an office works and to witness some patient / doctor contact. Then he invited her to work on Saturdays for free since we could not pay anyone at this time. One Saturday I came to the office with our son and introduced myself and said "Oh, you're the young girl helping my husband" She responded "Yes" and walked completely by me into my office. Okay. I know from experience that the French at not immediately warming and kind but rule number one: Always be nice to the wife! Now over the several months to come my husband can not stop talking about how great she is, how she answers the phone, how all the patients love her and how his guy patients want to know when she'll be around (since she is cute with a curvaceous figure). I start to feel a little sad because first of all this is MY job she is filling in for. (I can't work on Saturday s because I have no family to watch my son and no babysitter nor the money) Secondly, I try so hard to speak French but I'm intimated and people look at you weird when you're not fluent. So from time and time this girl calls my husband out of the blue to talk about her summer job, to tell him she graduated high school, to tell him that she passed her driving test, etc. Then one day when I am working she shows up and states"I'm here to see Arnaud" Not "Hello Madame, can I please see your husband" nor "How are you?" When I ask my husband what she wanted he says "Oh nothing, just to stop by and say hello" Now August comes around and I can't work at all because daycare is closed for the entire month of August. My husband says "Don't worry, I'll call Anais". So for the past two weeks she has been working full time. The first day I find out that he took her out to eat to our favorite restaurant. When I showed up at the office to say hi with our son, the door was locked and the girl was again very non-friendly. Then I notice my husband is only taking showers at the office, while she is there. The next day it is she that brings lunch for them both. The day after my husband is running to the corner store to buy and fix them both lunches. Firstly, I don't know any secretary that works full time for free (maybe a few hours here and there to see the workings of an office) nor that eats with her boss daily. A strong part of me does believe that he hasn't done anything appropriate with her yet. But I know that if this relationship continues in this direction it will lead to that. So the other day I lost it. I told him that the relationship is unacceptable and embarrassing for me. He OF COURSE tells me that I'm looking at it ALL wrong and that nothing is inappropriate. He says that when he was starting out people helped him and he is just passing the favor to someone else. Today he took a shower at the apartment and came home to have lunch with me this afternoon. (By the way, lunch in France is a very special part of the day. And we live walking distance from the office) But he keeps telling me over and over that I'm just jealous and looking at everything ALL wrong It makes me want to pull my hair out when I hear this and I feel sick all day long when he goes off to work. I'm too embarrassed to talk to my friends about this or my family. I don't have many close friends here and we live in a small village so I don't want my problems to float around town. So I searched for a site like this. I hope you can pass on some useful advice.

[whiterock girl]

I hate to tell you this, but it is very apparent to me that he is cheating on you. What on earth does he need to have a shower at the office for? Her treatment of you is also very telling. You are competition to her and she is treating you as such. And unless this girl comes from a VERY wealthy family or has just won the French lotto, I can not see why she is willing to work full time for free, unless she sees your husband as her next meal ticket and/or husband.

European men (for the most part, I don't want to generalize) do not see having a mistress as 'cheating', it is just a part of life. I am sure your husband understands you were not brought up with that outlook, so he continues to deny it to you.

I think deep down you know the answers to all your questions, but needed confirmation from someone on the outside looking in.

I suppose I should say I could be wrong, but always, always trust your instincts!!! It seems your instincts are telling you there is more than meets the eye here.

This is a really awesome website and everyone on here is great. You will get a lot of support from everyone. Good luck with everything and don't put up with any crap, you don't deserve it!

[tlh]

Dear Whiterock girl,

 

thank you so much for your post. It helps me confirm that I'm not swirlling into some stupid jealously tunnel. And yes, in all the literature that I've been reading about cultural differences amoung Europeans and North Americans, the extra marital affairs are always mentioned. Even a President of France had a mistress with a love child and the entire country knew it and excepted it!

 

I really appreciate your insight on my situation and thanks again....tomorrow will be a better day.

[SimoneTiger]

European men (for the most part, I don't want to generalize) do not see having a mistress as 'cheating', it is just a part of life.

 

Are you for real? Surely you must be referring to a different Europe...

 

Having a mistress *is* cheating and it is never just a part of life. At least not a part of any sane, healthy life. whiterock girl, I don't know why you would tolerate a cheating partner, but nobody should have to go through what the original poster is going through right now.

 

tlh, other than telling your husband that things need to change, have you let him know to what extent his behavior is hurting you?

[Mun]

I feel really bad for you about what is going on. While I was reading your post I strarted getting a stomach ache .

 

First I think she is very disrespectful to her boss--you are part owner of that company and so you are her boss too. He should have addressed that issue the moment you brough it up and his disregard for your feelings is very bad. I know you said daycare was out of the question, but is there anyway you can get child care.. a nanny maybe? ( preferebly and older lady) and spend more time in the office.

 

Whenever a man starts talking about the cute girl at work ..etc.. it's very telling of his interest there--at least I think it is.

 

I think men who cheat are gonna cheat even if you keep a strict eye on them. But as my mother says " never bring meat to the dogs" no offense.

 

I don't have much of a solution except to take some more French lessons and suggest hiring a gentleman ( part time) for the position. Tell your husband that her attitude toward you is unacceptable--even if she works for free. If your husband has a fit and doesn't want to do it--then you will know where his loyalties lie.

[whiterock girl]

tlh - thanks for the kind words. I am sorry you are going through this and I hope everything turns out ok for you. Talk to him and tell him how much this hurts you. If he truly loves you, his loyalty will be with you, not her.

Good luck.

 

 

 

SimoneTiger,

 

I was not meaning that having a mistress is not cheating. Of course it is! I would never tolerate my husband/boyfriend having a mistress, ever. All I was trying to say is that there is a european outlook that having a mistress is no necessarily a bad thing, just something a man acquires in his life, while in North America, the society standard is different.

 

Of course I wish the original poster wasn't going through this, I was just trying to help her with her situation and explain that her husband may have a different outlook on cheating than she does.

[Beec]

tlh,

 

My question is what are you going to do? What are are going to do if he is having an affair? What if he is not, but is thinking about it? What do you really want? Figure it out, then try and make it happen.

[saltwatergirl]

My daddy was always a gentle man

Never the kind to ever force his hand

He would always be the last one to raise his voice...

If anybody ever put us down

Well you can bet that he would stand his ground

Then he would tell me son sometimes you got no choice.......

 

You've gotta kick at little, cause a stir

Sometimes you gotta make some noise to be heard

If anybody ever tries to hold you back....

You gotta kick a little, and be tough

You gotta let em know youve had enough.....

Remember that unless you want to finish last

You gotta kick a little ______

 

Some people judge you by the way you look

They see you once and say you aint no good

Feels like theyre never goona take you for who you are...

Thats when you have to STAND UP AND BE STRONG

And go the extra mile to prove em all wrong

Just remember when they push you way too far.......

 

You gotta kick at little--- and cause a stir

Sometimes you gotta make some noise to be heard

If anybody ever tries to hold you back

You gotta kick a little, and be tough

You gotta let em know youve had enough

Remember that unless you want to finish last

You gotta kick a little _______

 

Salt

[tlh]

I thought for sure I'd have a better day today with everyone's input and support but things have become even more unpleasant. My husband does not work on Wednesday's so we spend the day at the public pool with our 2 year son. Normal family stuff so the day goes on like any ordinary day covering up all my sadness. My husband runs some errands with our son while I take a nap. When he returns he tells me he has run into a friend and that his girlfriend has given him her resume. I ask WHY does she give you a resume when there is NO job to be filled. He says " I just told her she could give it to me but I wasn't hiring" I then ask "Did you tell her that I work for you" A few seconds pass and he says "yeah" I'm thinking "whatever jerk" I then say "why can't you just tell her "Sorry but my wife works for me, we are not in a position to hire anybody else" End of story. He says "well yeah I could have said that but I didn't" This is very typical of him. I know the French are extrememly pushy but sometimes, especially in business you have to be firm. Then I tell him "Well she's dropped of her resume and now she will be looking for some kind of response" Right? I'm so disapointed and feel so weak. As for the other issue of the young girl working for him, of course I bring it up right then and there because of my lack of self control. He said that he will no longer take showers at the office and no longer eat with her BUT that there was never a problem with anything. He said that he almost told her to stop coming into work but didn't think that would solve anything. Today I can't believe this is the gentle, caring, loving man a married three and a half years ago. I do see his ego growing along with his business. I really haven't thought about what I'm going to do. It took some much work to move here and accquire everything we have. It would hurt to leave it all especially all to him. I've got to put my son to bed. Thanks for listening.

[Beec]

tlh,

 

Why don't you take a proactive approach instead of a defensive one? Each time you act defensive, you seem clingy, needy and insecure. You may have a reason to seem this way, but it is not going to help the way he feels about you. Work on how he feels, meet his emotional needs and don't be clingy, needy and demanding, and he will be more likely to want to meet yours. Does this make sense?

[tlh]

Dear Beec,

 

You are right. I always seem to be on the defensive with my husband. I do it out of fear which is exactly not how to act in a relationship. He has told me this before as well. I do need to seek some training on this. Thanks for opening my eyes again.

 

As for the rest of the story, my husband and I had a nice talk last night and he agreed that perhaps he isn't setting correct boundries or using proper professionalism with this young student. He assures me that nothing has happened between them, which I really do believe. He said that his focus has been overly intense on building the office and since she had been answering the phone it gave him a huge boost. Which I also do agree with. He also said that eating lunch with her everyday was not correct either. I can also understand why he did eat with her. If I was in the same position, I would too feel bad leaving her to eat on her own. Like I mentioned above, I tend to act of fear and this is how I got upset about them sharing lunch together. I don't think once in a while is a problem, not just an everyday ritual together. We agreed that it wouldn't be fair to just tell her to leave. She will work the next couple weeks and my husband will come home to eat with he and our son. I even suggested to invite her or go into to town so we can all eat together. In September we agreed to put our son one extra day in daycare and I will start an intense French course as well as extra help answering the phones from my Husband.

 

I want to thank everyone who helped me with by taing the time to comment on my topic. I really appreciate it. Tonight we are going into town with friends to enjoy dinner. It will be a great night!

[Mun]

That's really good of him to do something to resolve this and make you feel better. I hope that things keep improving for you both.

 

Love

Mun