Please help..I feel like I've been set adrift..

[goinginsane]

First, some background..I am a 38 year old male. 9 years ago, I met a girl, who was 18 at the time, on the internet. Our relationship was wonderful and after 3 months of talking, we met in person in Canada. I'm from the States. Our meeting confirmed what we already knew. We were in love.

 

I went home after spending a week with her, with the promise that I would be back for Christmas to stay with her and her family. I went back and her family (parents, sister, grandparents) accepted me as one of their own. I was so happy. Not only had I found my soulmate, but a huge Italian family as well. (my parents divorced when I was young and my siblings are scattered accross the US). I have to mention something about this family (including my love). These people are compassionate people that would never hurt someone's feelings. No matter what.

 

She was in University at the time, and I promised her that once she graduated, in four years, we would get married. She accepted. As the months passed, I found it difficult to be away from her, so I spent a lot of time travelling to see her, making it hard for me to keep steady work.

 

Each time I went to Canada, I stayed longer and longer, until eventually I was basically living in her family home. We were so happy. I didn't have to deal with seeing her crying face each time I left anymore.

 

Since I didn't have a real family of my own, they all basically adopted me and I felt like it was my home. I did what I could to help around the house etc..since immigration laws prevented me from working.

 

As the years passed, the bonds between us all grew strong. I love these people with all my heart and they love me. My love graduated and began to work. We now couldn't get married because we had nothing saved (my fault).

 

I went back to the States every now and then and stayed with my mom, doing odd jobs, but I could never really get it together because I missed her so much. And i'd listen to her crying on the phone when we were apart and it would break my heart. I was weak. So I kept going back.

 

Things between the 2 of us began to change about 2 years ago. My fault. She would come home after a hard day's work and I'd take her for granted. She began to get bitter...that I was at home all day. ..that she was taking care of me financially..that we couldn't move out..etc... But she always said she loved me and wanted to have a future with me.

 

Last April, I told her I was going to the US for a couple of months to really seriously get some money together (I have a lot of friends that do contractual work). Although sad that I was going, she agreed that we had to do something. I was supposed to return to her at the beginning of June.

 

In mid-May she called and told me she was going on a well-deserved vacation (she had gone from school to work and had never been anywhere, even though she was 26 years old now) with a friend from work.

 

When she came back from her trip, she called and told me it was over between us. I wanted to die. I was completely confused. I called her mom and asked her what the hell was going on. She was devastated and said she had no idea. But she said that I should use my return ticket anyway, despite what her daughter wanted, and see the family because everyone missed me and they needed some kind of closure, if it was true that we were breaking up.

 

I spent the weeks leading up to my return alternately vomiting and contemplating suicide. After the break-up call, we never talked. I was terrified I'd lost her. But I knew I had to see her and also the family. I also needed to get all my personal belongings, which I had left there, since it was home.

 

I was welcomed back by everyone except my love. She was at work, and, by all accounts, furious at her family. When she came home, it was like she was a stranger. ..cold and distant. I didn't understand. Eventually we talked and she told me she didn't want to break it off, but she needed her space for a while.

 

As the days passed, i did some horrible things. And I want to be honest here because I need your help. I went through her stuff when no one was home and discovered she had gone on vacation with a guy. So then I noticed she was on the phone a lot in her room. I taped her conversations. I now knew there was someone else. I reacted with anger. I punched a brickwall.

 

I confronted her and she admitted she had a new "friend" from work, but that nothing had happened. She swore. The taped conversations told me otherwise so I made the mistake of telling her I was going to hurt the guy. She freaked. She said the problems we were having had nothing to do with anyone except the 2 of us.

 

As the days passed, we started to get along better. The problem was every time she went out, I was suspicious. I was driving myself and everyone else nuts. So I decided to leave. She then proceeded to be really sweet, the way she used to be. We spent a lot of time together talking about the future. Her emails (from work) were beautiful and full of love. I had hope again.

 

So now I'm back in the US, working hard trying to save enough for our future. She calls every day, full of loving words. The problem is with me. I'm sad. I miss her and my "family" and my home. And I can't help but be obsessive. I don't know if I can trust her anymore, but I can't live without her. She's everything to me. And I forgive her for what she did. That's how much I love her.

 

But I want to know where she is and what she's doing all the time. I think about the fact that this guy's at work with her and I'm 3000 miles away. I think about this stuff all the time. And then I think about how she and her family is and I wonder whether she's really in love with the guy and doesn't want to tell me because she doesn't want to hurt me (or she doesn't want me to hurt him.)

 

I'm going insane and all I ever wanted was to be with her and have a family. I'm so sad and alone. I just want to go back home to her, but I know I can't right now. We have 9 years together. I was her first lover. I'm at a loss and so angry that this "other" person may have robbed us of our future.

 

From your perspective, what do you think about this?

[HaloDestroyer]

This is really difficult.

 

You obviously have her family on your side...

 

She probably did what she did because you pushed her away; you took her for granted, and she was sick of it.

 

She might have realised her flaw, and is trying to rectify it...

 

Or she could be covering up... It could go either way.

 

Anyone else got any thoughts on this?

 

XxX-Ben-xXx

[Tigris]

Concentrate on making as much money as quickly as possible and get back to her. She's lonely. She also sounds vulnerable. This guy could be trying to fill your shoes. That doesn't mean that she wants him to! You both need to regain the trust. Put yourself in her shoes. How would you like it if she'd taped your conversations? She's probably thinking how would I feel if he'd been talking to another girl? It will take time for the trust problem to heal.

 

I hope everything works out for you.

 

Good luck.

[Cadence308]

I would hurry and save money to get back to her. But, if you two are really going to be together and get married, you can't keep doing the long distance thing. This has been going on for 9 years and obviously it's been hard on your relationship.

 

Isn't there any way that you can get a work visa to stay in Canada? Can she get a work visa to come to the US?

 

It's hard to say if she's covering up her new "friend." Probably not. It sounds like she went on this trip with him because she was bitter about you not working. Most people have a hard time covering up their true feelings for a long time. That's why I don't think that she is faking her sweetness to you. Basically, time will tell...

 

GL!

[zara]

my advice to you is somewhat different then everyone else has posted.

i think you should be brutal with yourself and her and just move on.

get your things from her place completely, be really nice to her family,

and just find work elsewhere and start over. u are obviously a nice person if her family and she was devoted to you and happy with you being

one of their own. but its time for u to be an individual now without that unit...and maybe its gonna be hard, but its for the best. i think u should tel her that u cant talk to her until u are sure u can support her financially on ur very own. not in her parents house. no woman wants to be with a man who wont provide for her, who expects her to work. we work because we want to not because we have to. she sounds like a lovely person, and if she loves u truly (which i am sure she does) she will wait and u will renew her respect for u as a man and as a person.

but this drastic measure has to be taken or else, if u cant stand on ur two feet without her, i think what u are doing is putting an expiry date on ur relationship...and it will only be a matter of time before it has to be chucked.

 

hope this is helpful...maybe not what u want to hear. but i think if u close ur eyes and ask urself honestly what u think u should do, u will come to the same conclusion. it will be hard, but it will get easier. and if she finds someone else, she will be sorry....

[RandomAdvisor]

I agree with zara: dump her.

 

She's lied to you, and probably cheated on you. Did she tell you she was going on vacation with a guy? No. And then she breaks up with you when she got back. Why? Because she spent her whole vacation having sex with another man. Then when you finally speak to her again, she lies again and denies there is anyone else. The trust is gone, as evidenced by the fact that you went snooping on her. Do you really think you'll be able to regain it again?

 

And now she says she only needed some space, and didn't really want to break up. You think that's what she told this other guy?

 

I'm curious, what did you hear on their taped conversations? Was it overt sexual and boyfriend/girlfriend stuff, or did it sound like they were just friends?

[saltwatergirl]

I agree with someguy. Go back and re-read what you just posted. Are you really willing to put up with this?

 

Salt

[birdgirl]

She lied. I'd move on. Also, could you not work while you were in Canada?

[goinginsane]

Thanks for your responses and to answer a couple of your questions:

 

1. no, i couldn't work legally in Canada because I had no one to sponsor me (as a blood relative or spouse). you can't just get a work permit.

2. the conversations she had with the other "person" that i taped were not of a sexual nature. They simply confirmed that she had lied about some things she had told me (where and with whom she'd been with that night, who she was meeting the next day...etc)

 

I really appreciate your input but this is a very complicated issue for me. Her and I have spent the better part of 9 years together. We've shared so much, including my dad's death, and her recovery from a serious illness. This is not as simple as saying "dump her". She's a part of me. And I understand that sometimes there's nothing left to salvage in a relationship, but do you really believe that the answer here is to try and move on without my heart and soul?

 

I'm just so down right now that I can't think straight. All i know is that I love her and i always will. She's beautiful, inside and out. She's smart and funny and so damn caring. She won $100 on a radio show once and left the studio (where she'd picked up her winnings), walked up to a homeless guy and gave it to him. I'd never seen anything like that. And her family's the same way. When my dad died, my mom called and told me they didn't know what to bury him in because he didn't own a suit. My Canadian "family" not only fedexed a brand new suit, shirt and tie, but they sent flowers too, all without a second thought.

 

The only reason I'm telling you these things is so that I can try and explain that I'm a different person today because of them. I used to be cynical and selfish. I never really understood the meaning of kindness and compassion. She and her family changed me.

 

And it's because of all this that I can't comprehend how someone of her character could do this to me. And it's because of her character and upbringing and the wonderful things I've seen her do over the years that I can't accept that she just "changed"into someone else. I don't know. I'm lost.

[OceanEyes]

1. no, i couldn't work legally in Canada because I had no one to sponsor me (as a blood relative or spouse). you can't just get a work permit.

 

I can definitely vouch for this statement as a Canadian - it's not easy to just move up here and work. There are laws that prevent foreigners from working because you have to be a citizen to obtain a social insurance number and pay taxes, etc. You can work under-the-table (be paid in cash off-record basically), but that's risky business up here and can lead to trouble.

 

This is not as simple as saying "dump her". She's a part of me.

 

I completely understand this. I don't think anybody can understand what it's been like for you, being in a relationship trying to struggle for 9 years. It's definitely not simple, but understand that there won't be any simple answers.

 

If you two have gone for 9 years and managed to keep things together, I'm sure that you can hold out for a little while longer. There is obviously something very strong between you and worth fighting for.

 

I don't want to sound rude, but what did everyone expect after 9 years of a long-distance relationship? I certainly wouldn't be perfect and completely monogamous for the entire time. After a while, phone calls and e-mails just don't cut it anymore.

[westwind61]

goinginsane, in my own situation I know of the grief and hurt you are going through. These things cause a lot of pain in yourself and in others.

I know the pain makes you feel that you are in fact literally going insane with grief.

 

My observation is that you have some serious built in barriers that really get in the way of a happy ending here. If you can step outside of the box (think of Will Ferell in Anchorman screaming inside the phone booth when his dog gets kicked off the bridge, "IM IN A GLASS CAGE OF EMOTION!") you will be better off. Try and make some decisions on the practical realties: the distance, what it would take to overcome what separates you and try and realize that there are circumstances that have nothing to do with whether she loves you or not and whether it's forever.

 

Sometimes it's a horrible and cruel cliche to hear: but there are in fact other "fish in the sea" and that does not diminish the signficance of your past relationship with her. Good luck man and know that there are people, though they are strangers, here on the board who I think genuinely wish for the best for you .

[Adutchcookie]

To be completely & totally honest I know how it feels to be in your position & to feel like there is no one who you could possibly love like you love her, or who could possibly love you back in that way. You are tied in with her wonderful family and everything is so ideal, except the little fact that she cheated.. If she cheated on you once, and you let this happen & you let it drive you insane, even though it is probably the hardest thing you have ever had to do, you need to let it go. You need to do your own thing for a while. You may feel really really really bad for a while, but it is part of a process that you won't fully understand until you have gone through it. Someone who does this once & gets away with it will most likely be tempted to do it again. I know you love her, but you started with her when she was very young & she probably didn't know much about what she really wanted. Now she is growing up & she is changing. Not that she doesn't love you. I think she truly does, but in a relationship, if you do not have trust, then what do you have. It will make you both bitter in the end. Think about what you do & how much you are willing to invest in something that might not be what you always thought it was. There is someone out there that can make you happier than she can, I know you don't believe that, but it is true. That's my 2 cents, take it or toss it, I wish you the best of luck.

[Iceman26]

Hey man, sorry to hear about whats happened.

 

I can't really give you any advice about your situation. Its a tough, tough call. I will give you my opinions though.

 

Start thinking about the solution, not the problem.

 

You need to start focusing on your goals. You want to get married and have a future with her, right? Well, first things first, and that is a steady income so you can support one another. Hopefully, focusing on your goals and achieving a career and a steady income will help reduce the time you spend worrying about her and enable you to marry her and do what you will. If it were me in your shoes, I'd dump the girl and remain close with the family, but thats me. Her going on vacation with another dude would have sealed the deal as far as I am concerned.

 

You have a lot of anger towards this coworker of hers, this guy she went on vacation with. Let me tell you something dude, most guys dont give a sh** if a girl is with a guy or not. Bottom line is the guy can't do a damn thing unless the girl lets him. I am not saying what the guy did was right, but maybe he didnt even know about you and your girlfriend, you know what I mean? Blame her man, not him, because its her fault for going on vacation with another dude.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.