It's for the best--why do I feel so lousy about it?

[HappyKat]

How do I get over this man? Best friend, great lover. Thought we had a chance at something permanent, but he said "never"--not even a "maybe" after 3 years together. Guess I've been fooling myself all along about 'us' but he did mention maybe he'd change his mind, sometime in the future...that was a couple of years ago...

 

So, I had hope anyway, and decided to let the relationship play out.

 

(A quick background: He's 51, divorced w/18 yo son, was married for 25 yrs, been single for 6 years now. I'm 43, divorced twice, unmarried for 13 yrs, lived with last b/f for 7 yrs before he died, 5 years ago.)

 

At first, it was OK he said he NEVER wanted to marry again--heck, I truly understand the aftermath of divorce & said the same thing many times! But as we grew closer and talked of the future & being *together* in it, it seemed to me he might be reconsidering. We've met each other's families, even got along with them! We both own homes in the same town, work for the same company (not side-by-side in either case, thank goodness) and have similar views on life, religion, politics...

 

Granted, it hasn't been perfect; it's been a real hassle spending every night together all this time--at one house or the other. This has been at his request--to be exclusive AND together every night. We discussed moving in together (which would mean rent or sell for one of us...ME, because he wasn't going to.) And I got to thinking "this is a LOT to ask of someone--to give up one's home--and I love him enough to want to do this, BUT then again....

 

Scared of marriage, BS. Scared of divorce, BS. What it boils down to is this: The desire to keep looking without any guilt, and the freedom to walk away if something more exciting comes along. He didn't deny this.

 

So I know I've done the right thing by ending it. Why do *I* feel rejected and unworthy? Sorry so long, and thanks for any insight/encouragement.

[lady00]

The short answer: because most of the time, breaking up is painful, even if you know it's the right thing. Breaking up is just one of those things in life thats generally emotionally hard on people.

 

The slightly longer answer: You feel rejected because he wasn't willing to give you the kind of relationship you wanted and you think it's because there was something wrong with you that made him unwilling to do so. Don't think of it that way. There's nothing wrong with you...the relationship just wasn't working. It has to do more with the way the two of you interacted and the mix of the two of you together and nothing to do with you as a person not being good enough or worthy. This breakup is NOT a reflection of your worth as a person, it's a reflection of the rapport between you two not working right. Your personalities and ideas of what you wanted from the relationship didn't vibe together. Don't think of it as you as a person being rejected, think of it as the relationship as a whole being rejected by the both of you.

[HappyKat]

What bothers me the most (at this moment ) is: how could he expect so much of me, when he intended to give so little?

 

Get this--he would say "I love you" every single night, what girl wouldn't give her eye teeth for THAT? Well, I'm learning at my old age about talk vs. action, huh? lol.

[dancesinquicksand]

Good for you. It sounds to me like you already have a lot going for yourself. I wish we all had the power to stand up and just walk away. I think you did the right thing. Now you need to just give it time. It's always hard to welcome change.

 

Believe in your decision. Its a good one, your moveing in the right direction.

[lady00]

What bothers me the most (at this moment ) is: how could he expect so much of me, when he intended to give so little?

 

This indicates that he wasn't the right fit for you. He was probably not doing this intentionally, there may have been something subconscious within him that made him act this way, something that told him that this wasn't the right match for him but that he tried to supress for whatever reason. I think when you meet someone who is a perfect match for you, neither will feel like they are giving more or receiving less than they should. Unfortunately, I think this may be a situation where his feelings were not as strong as they could be...it's likely that when he meets the right person for him, he will give as much as he receives.

[HappyKat]

Thanks, Dancesinquicksand (Love the nick, btw!) I needed to hear that as I've been doubting and pondering all day.

 

Oh, yeah, this happened just last night, so the wounds are still very fresh and raw.

 

We parted without any name-calling or hateful words, and I went back this afternoon to 'exchange stuff' (had to borrow my brother and his truck, lol)

and could only manage to tell him that I'm glad I met him and hope he someday finds someone right. Didn't want to re-bond by hugging or kissing him goodbye, but did hug his son. I will definitely miss them both.

[DN]

Before you get too bitter - - what did you give him that you didn't get back in return. Was he dishonest with you in any way? And why is 'scared of divorce bs?

 

I am not getting at you - but I just want you to look at things as they were or are - not as you would like them to have been or as they were not. It is important to recognise the truth about relationships, even those that have broken up, so that you are dealing with reality. if not, you can't get over it properly.

[HappyKat]

DN, I nearly wrote a book for you, but deleted it in favor of simply saying: He expected many daily sacrifices of my time and efforts, with the lesser reciprocation. I was expected to sell my home and make the physical move, to give up my "freedom" (homeownership) but he wasn't willing to give up his "freedom" (remaining single)

 

I think he was dishonest by not breaking up with me as soon as he changed his mind back from 'maybe' to 'never' again.

 

Being scared of divorce is BS (in OUR case) because there would be no issues regarding minor children--I cannot have children, his son is grown. We both own homes of roughly the same value--ours is a community property state, which means I take just as much financial risk by getting married. Besides, he admitted it was just an excuse.

[DN]

I think one of the keys to letting go of a partner after a split is to let go of the anger. You probably feel anger because he 'rejected' you. But, even if he didn't treat you well, he still has the right to walk away from the relationship if it wasn't working for him.

 

I suppose a lesson for you, and everyone reading this, is to believe people when they say at the beginning that they don't want a marriage, or permanent relationship. Had you believed that and walked away at that time you would have saved yourself a lot of heartache - and that is another reason why you feel angry.

 

The anger is entirely understandable - but it doesn't help you. It hinders you from moving on, because that sense of grievance won't let you leave anything behind.