Does anyone else feel like this???

[studygirl]

Hello all,

It has been a month now since my breakup...here are the links:

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I am still struggling with a multitude of emotions, and while I know logically that he was SO WRONG for me, I am still not able to completely let go! I don't think I ever want to be with him again, or with anyone like him, but I am still not quite moving on. I am wondering if it is more of the fact that HE broke up with ME, and not the other way around?

 

I am trying to do NC but he is my landlord now which is very complicated. I am in the process of trying to get him to make an official lease contract, but he has not been responding and it truly is a mess for me. I want to move, but it is not possible right now for more reasons than I can really get into. And this new girl that he is with now, I don't know why I even care at all, but it just HURTS that he was able to move on so quickly!!

 

Do I feel like this because my ego has been crushed or do I still care? I don't know and it is driving me nuts. I know this happens to people all the time, but I feel kind of embarrassed about it. It seems like there should be a period of mourning after the end of a long relationship or something...

 

It is just hard knowing that the person that he cheated on me with was not just some stupid fling, but someone to take my place!!! How much longer do I need to wait before I finally stop caring and can move on with my life?? Advice for what to do...help...

[SadnConfused]

Cheating = forget about it. Once a cheater always a cheater.

[studygirl]

I completely agree. But WHY DO I STILL GIVE A CRAP?? I always thought that if someone cheated on me I would be like, See you later! So why don't I feel that way?

[melrich]

Yeah, as stupid as it is, you probably are more upset because he broke up with you.

 

I remember a break up I had a long time ago when I broke it off with a girl and she was really upset for a long time. I caught up with her years later and she said to me that she could not believe I was the one that called it off. She had been wanting to break it off for about 3 months but couldn't work up the courage to do it. So when I broke it off it flipped her and even though it was what she wanted she got really upset and hated me for years.

 

Crazy isn't it.

[studygirl]

Melrich, I think you are completely right. I did want out of the relationship a while ago, and I guess now I feel a bit humiliated because it ended up this way. For anyone who has been in my situation, what is the best thing to do? Obviously NC, but what else? I have been trying to go out and have fun, but I feel very strange, I don't know why...

[Bounder]

Maybe its frustration that you tried to stick it out and now he is the one bailing out on it?

[melrich]

Don't think about who broke up with who. It really doesn't matter. Focus on the relationship, how it wasn't what you wanted and now you are glad to be out.

[studygirl]

Thanks for the advice, all. This forum has really helped me through a lot of my emotions that I don't necessarily feel like expressing to my friends. I mean, they are there for me, but their advice is more along the lines of, He's a jerk, other fish in the sea, etc etc etc. I appreciate all the unbiased advice. Keep it coming!

[overtheedge]

The way I see it, you are showing the relationship the respect it deserves by not being able to move on as quickly. As hard as it may seem right now, take the high road and show yourself the respect you deserve. At the end of all this, you will be able to look yourself in the mirror and be proud of the way you handled it, while his current relationship is an obvious rebound.

 

I experienced, and am still experiencing, a somewhat similar situation in my own life recently. My girlfriend of 4 1/2 years cheated on me and then began dating one of my best friends. It hurt a lot that she could just move on so quickly and not even care about everything we had been through. I think it just shows insecurity when people do that. I am secure enough to know that I don't need someone else to make me happy and I have to get used to being alone before I can move on to someone else.

[perseverance_rules]

I see one thing you havent done, move somewhere else. Your ex is the landlord there? And hasnt put together a lease for you?

 

Regardless, get out of that place...move on to bigger and better!

[NJRon]

To Overtheedge - just briefly because this is Studygirl's topic, but I would be more pissed at my "best friend" than the ex... that's just not right. Guy friends have the unspoken 6 month rule/never rule (depending on the seriousness of the relationship).

 

Studygirl - What you are feeling is entirely normal. One month is no time at all. The fact that he is parading his new gf in front of you is entirely tactless. In the end though, he's only hurting himself. He's exercising control over you by not giving you a lease. If you didn't want a lease he'd probably be trying to jam one down your throat.

 

Do whatever you need to do to get the heck out of there and *don't* sign a lease. There's no need for it and the only thing it would create would be a legally binding contract that would make you stay in that place. If you have some friends or someone to stay with while you get other things set, that would be great. You can rent a storage bay at a self-store typically for $100-200 a month for all your stuff and travel light. Just some suggestions. You're kind of stuck right now... don't do something that would 1) get you more stuck and 2) let him feel more in control of the situation.

[lisa_k]

Hi there,

 

My advice to you (as someone who is now three months out of a relationship) is to let yourself feel all of your emotions. Don't try to fix it, change it, hide it.....just let yourself cry, feel the anger, be sad. This is the most difficult part of getting over your ex. So many people turn to another relationship too quickly or to some other "fix" to try to mask the pain.

 

I can honestly tell you that it has taken almost three months for me to feel better. I still think of him, but it's not as often and not as sad. Some days, I still wonder "what if" or feel like I want to talk with him, but everything's not as overwhelming as it once was.

 

Take one day at a time, one week at a time...soon you'll find yourself feeling stronger.

 

One more thing...surround yourself with people who care about you and who are looking out for you.

 

Lisa

[Bounder]

I totally agree on getting over it properly. Theres an old saying, "If you're not enought with out you'll never be enough with it". YOU are what matters, not you with someone else. I tell myself every day since my ex left me for someone else. The otehrs are right, the quick rebound by a dumper is usuallya sign of insecurity and probably wont last, but it might not change their decision to leave....just shows they are insecure.

[studygirl]

Thank you all for your responses! With regards to my lease, my situation is complicated. Basically, while we were together, he offered to let me move into a condo that he owned but was not rented out. Because we had been together for almost 2 years at the time, I accepted (I still pay rent, etc, I wanted it to be legit). I moved in, and 2 weeks later he did all this.

 

The reason it is complicated is because I am hosting an exchange student from Europe for 3 months and I am also acting as guardian to a 14 year old girl who is staying with me during the week to go to school in my city. The amount I am paying in rent for my large 2 bedroom + loft condo is extremely low (because my ex gave me quite a deal when we were together). The amount I am having the exchange student pay is based off of the rent I am paying now, and it wouldn't be fair to her to pay extra because of my situation (she probably has not budgeted it for it anyway). It would be difficult to find a 1 bedroom apartment for the amount I am paying now, much less another 2 bedroom. There is no way financially I would be able to move all the people who are staying with me into a comparable sized location.

 

It is so frustrating because I felt that I had completely thought through the situation at the time, I had NO IDEA that any of this would happen, and had I known all of this in advance, I would not have agreed to take on all these other tenants. I feel like he did it to have some kind of control over me, and it is definitely working because I am stuck in a horrible living situation. I also just went back to school full time, so I am on a researcher's salary, which would never qualify me to buy a home. Delaying school would not be an option for me either, as I am contractually obligated under the grant that I am being paid off of. At this time I think I will just have to try and get through the next few months, and then see what my options are.

 

What a mess, huh!! Any suggestions???

[NJRon]

Ouch.. yeah.. definitely sounds like a control issue. I would definitely be discussing it with the exchange student, you never know if their fmaily may offer more money. I know if my kid was oversees and something weird like this was going on, I would much rather give my kid a little more money or look for another place to host them than get them stuck in what could potentially be a nasty situation.

 

However, your situation is very awkward... you're the only one in the position to be able to decide what the best solution is for all concerned. And that best solution may actually be for you to go somewhere, find someone else to host the exchange student, find someone else for the 14 year-old.. or a smaller place anyway since the 14 year-old is only there duiring the week.

 

It just doesn't seem like a healthy situation to be in for them *or* for you and you may be doing more good than harm by extricating yourself from those obligations as much as possible.

 

Just something to think about. I understand the obligation you feel toward them, but your obligation may be better directed at doing what is right to have a healthy environment, as opposed to maintaining an unhealthy one that just provides them a place to stay.

 

Hope you take these comments as constructive, I'm definitely not trying to criticize your decisions.

 

Best of luck..