How to heal when NC isnt possible?

[confusedashell]

Well you probably know my story already. Last night all this really hit home for me. I guess in the last week or two I actually thought this could be somehow fixed and the way she was acting towards me I thought she wasnt 100% out the door yet. But she is and in all honesty, I can say she's pretty happy and relieved by the whole thing. I can just see it in her eyes and the way she acts. I guess she always felt like I was telling her what to do. That wasnt the case, but I guess she felt like because we were ina pretty serious relationship (i.e. marriage) that she had to report to someone. I'm sorry she feels like that, it wasnt ever so for me.

 

But I'm wondering how the hell do you start to move on and get over something when you have to face that person almost daily and contact is almost daily?Just getting used to not having the person who you have shared life with for the last six years is hard enough, harder still when you still love them as much as the day you met them and even harder still when you realise that they are pretty happy and relieved to be out of it! Ok, we had a few problems, but i dont think it was THAT bad. In Fact I can say with 100% that most of her reasons for wanting to be alone is complete paranoia about me. I asked her last night if she had a good night at her friends housewarming and she said that thats why she doesnt want to be with me, because I make her report. I was only asking if you had a good time! She lost her phone a few weeks ago and we didnt have the money to get a new one for her. But she bought one about a week ago and just never told me. Why? Because she thought I'd go mental that she spent what little money we had on something like a phone. Yeah, I dont think it was wise to do, but she really didnt want to tell me. I found it. No there was nothing odd in it, but she got really defensive about it. Its just examples. Seems everything that is wrong is my fault, all her unhappiness and whatever is my fault and our relationship is to blame for every little thing. Yes I have some blame, but not all this! I wasnt ever controlling, wasnt ever telling her what she can and cant do, who she could and couldnt be friends with, nothing.

 

I still love her. I would have done anything to fix this. But she doesnt want that. She just wants out. Thats hard to take. But what can I do. Nothing. If thats what she wants, then ok. I stupidly sent her some emails in work telling her I'm sorry for the way she feels and if shed only try this again we could work on fixing it. But no. She is looking forward to this in a lot of ways, a new life and new start. Thinking of her, the love of my life with someone else. That someone else will get to have that woman in their lives in the way I did and wanted is well, its killing me. Just the idea of it and it hasnt happened it. Sooner rather than later, it will happen. I dont know how I'll deal with that. Guess I have to be strong. Even if its difficult.

 

Well we have a son together, so we will have a lot of contact. How do you move forward in that situation?? I'm trying my hardest NOT to even contemplate us getting back together or that later she'll change her mind. I cant walk around with that kind of false hope. She knows I love her and knows I want to fix our relationship (99% of it is totally fixable). Thats all I can do. But I need to be able tomove on. Has anyone been in a similar situation???? I really could do with some advice on this!

[TiredMan]

I think you guys, if the love is there, need to just sit and talk. It's the same in my case too. It's very hard to do what's "right" when it's a matter of your heart. I don't know this girl and I won't pretend to know. Each case is different.

 

Have you considered or gone to therapy? I just started and I am praying that it might help somewhat.

 

But from what you say, having to "report to someone" is part of being in a relationship. Not ask permission but you don't just do things like go out all night, do whatever and expect not to have to share it with your partner.

 

Every day will seem different. This is why I dont like NC if the love is truly there because it becomes easier to disassociate a bit. With a relationship of a year or something is one thing, but when you get into these huge ones like you had and I had, it's totally different especially since you do have a child and NC will never be possible.

 

You guys really need to sit down and talk, if not anything, for the welfare of this child.

[confusedashell]

I dont think there is any point in my trying to do more right now. Anything I do will be taken the wrong way, me trying to convince her of how she feels, me trying to make her stay with me because of our son. She is on the defensive now so its best to walk away. She KNOWS how much I love her, but hse doesnt have the same feelings for me as I do for her. Somewhere along the path in the either few months or few weeks, that all died for her it seems and I cant do anything about that right now. Except try my hardest to pick myself up and make myself and my son happy. Maybe later she doesnt feel like that about me or our relationship who knows. I suggessted to her that she go and talk to someone because she is so worried about how I feel. I wasnt trying to be smart or trying to be condesending, I was just thinking it could help HER. Not us, but just her. I think she took that the wrong way too. All I can do now is focus on me and my son and see what happens in the future. If its meant to be, then it will be. If not, then she'll find happiness with someone else and so be it. I just know that I blew the best thing in my life - my family. I messed it all up

[Vert]

confused, I had the same situation with my ex-gf as she was one of those "I hate feeling like I report to you" girls. Trust me, from speaking with others about my scenario, I can tell you that you aren't doing anything wrong. The problem lies with her, and by your asking questions of her activities (even as harmless as that one) you are providing her with ammunition to hit you down and make you feel like dirt. I also cannot avoid my ex-gf entirely as we have all of the same mutual friends, but you can limit contact with her. No conversations, no txt msging, no nothing. If you have to interact with her, make it all business. I know it'll be tough for your son, but it's obvious that you need to be a dad to him while keeping a "business-like" relationship with your ex. Trust me, right now you might think 99% of it is fixable and it probably is, but that 1% matters too... and if she's saying she doesn't want you now, she isn't changing her mind anytime soon. Just pull away from her and allow her to see you have your own life as well.

[busterkeaton]

I think you should just try for minimal contact. Act as normally as possible, be polite (be extremely polite) but minimize the chit chat as much as you can. Let her approach you on things that involve discussion. It appears as though everything you say to her, she feels is "loaded" (the example of "how was the house warming" - a simple, casual question but she interpreted as her having to report to you). Stick to need-to-know questions only. Maintain a slightly detached, nonchalant attitude combined with a breezy cheerful and non-challenging. Be friendly though, saying good morning etc - otherwise she might think you are trying some other ploy - like avoiding her etc. You _are_ avoiding her but you don't want to make it obvious.

Hope this helps, I've been in this situation before, I had to work closely with someone who I had had a relationship with which she ended. It was very uncomfortable for both of us. She used this metheod on me which was extremely helpful in defusing any conflict. It was neither "stony silence" or was it hostile, it was just being polite and in control of one's feeling. In time things will lighten up.

[LILI]

Hey dude, im sorry this is happening to you because i know how it feels and im going thru it ... while it wasnt 6 yrs it was only 2 and a half ... well, i dotn really know what to tell you just that thats love ... one day you have it and the next you dont ... thats why i think its better to just learn how to be byurself .... i think uve tried enough with this girl, and you should just let her be .... is she loves you, shell come back u know ... kinda like "if you love something let it go if it comes back it was urs all along dealie" ... maybe she wasnt ur destiny ... maybe ull find someone else .... i dont really know ...because my mom has been byherself for the past 20 years almost and even though shes not relly happy, she doesnt have all these crap on top of her. im sorry but i dont think one is really happy ever ... until death, meanwhile try to manage.

...wow im sorry i give the worst advice ....

[confusedashell]

Thanks for all the replies and the honest advice! We will still have to live together for a few more weeks. That will make it hard. Its not easy here for me now, I'm trying to keep a brave face but my insides are in knots. I feel like vomiting. She on the other hand is being a mix of angry one second and the next she is hugging and kissing me saying how she doesnt want to hurt me. She admits that for the last month she has been feeling like this, so shes had time to warm up to the idea. Her need to be alone, her need to not have to deal with any relationship things (like that simple asking how your night was) or anything else is just the only thing thats important to her now. That and her studies. She wants nothing else. And nothing will change her mind on it. I'm not going to even try. This "love you but not IN love with you" speech almost made me want to scream because I think its really a poor excuse. her best friend recently got a new bf and they are in that stage, you know. From the day they got together its been "why arent we like that anymore?" Because darling, we've been together ever single day for SIX YEARS.

 

Tonight we will talk about what to do with our son. This could get messy. I'm trying to be the good guy here so that it doesnt come back and bite me in the a.ss later. But she was the one unwilling to give our marriage a go when the chips were down, when it really mattered, so I'll not be very receptive of an attitude on our son that is "my way or no way".

[TiredMan]

Confused, I can relate to what you say about things being taken the wrong way. When I say how I feel, I am accused of laying a guilt trip.

 

Does she talk to anyone else in detail about her feelings about your relationship? Has she done that before? I ask this b/c someone could be saying things to her. In the case of my situation, she only mentioned the breakup to one or 2 people but does not and did not go into it with anyone.