The stigma attached to virginity

[asdf]

Why do you even care about reptutation? How is anyone other then the person you are with really going to know how you are in bed? Their opinion doesn't matter.

 

Not quite true though, people do talk. And as for reputation, nobody is gonna like it if people are going round saying you are a crap shag. What I say is the best reputation is no reputation.

 

a little story of something that happened to me in uni:

 

when i lived in a student dorm, i thought i used to see this girl looking in my direction, so i thought she might've been interested in me, but i wasn't really interested in her

 

anyway, later through the year, i'd seem to be getting a lot of female attention, so i embraced it like any other teenage guy.

 

i later found out that the girl i mentioned had told other people that i had slept with her on and off and that i was really good at sex. i don't know how good she said i was, but i'm pretty sure that's why all these females were paying attention to me. i had never slept with the girl, and it was pretty funny cause i was a virgin at the time and already had an effective reputation of course, i never told anybody i was a virgin.

[darkblue]

It's a sacred thing. You haven't found the ideal woman yet, So what?

Ah! There, you see! Somebody DID say "so what?"

 

But you probably missed it, huh?

Oh well... carry on.

I just wanted to point this out.

 

Ah yes, Yes I did

 

Thanks Miss M.

[Carnatic]

Why do you even care about reptutation? How is anyone other then the person you are with really going to know how you are in bed? Their opinion doesn't matter.

 

Not quite true though, people do talk. And as for reputation, nobody is gonna like it if people are going round saying you are a crap shag. What I say is the best reputation is no reputation.

 

a little story of something that happened to me in uni:

 

when i lived in a student dorm, i thought i used to see this girl looking in my direction, so i thought she might've been interested in me, but i wasn't really interested in her

 

anyway, later through the year, i'd seem to be getting a lot of female attention, so i embraced it like any other teenage guy.

 

i later found out that the girl i mentioned had told other people that i had slept with her on and off and that i was really good at sex. i don't know how good she said i was, but i'm pretty sure that's why all these females were paying attention to me. i had never slept with the girl, and it was pretty funny cause i was a virgin at the time and already had an effective reputation of course, i never told anybody i was a virgin.

 

I think that could have been quite stressful for you. It would have been for me, because if girls thought you/me were a stud, a bit macho and a player, then the wrong kind of girls would go for you and they'd be disappointed to find you were a shy, sensitive virgin while the nicer girls may never get to like you, their first impression of you being as the kind of guy they don't like.

 

Thats one reason for not liking it when people (close friends) are surprised to find I'm still a virgin, because I'm sociable and flirty and judging from female attention I get not too bad looking and if people think I fancy myself as a bit of a player that would put girls off me (well the sort of girls I'm interested in anyway).

[Miss M]

Carnatic, you've described it precisely right on both sides of the coin. Yes, you'd be a disappointment to the girl who wanted a stud player, and the girl who wanted a sincere guy might be put off by the rumors. Exactly right. I was that kind of girl who wasn't at all interested in players, (but that never stopped them from trying. Why is that? Yes, I wanted that one special guy who held himself apart, who was very picky, the one who stuck to his principles. And I wouldn't go anywhere near a guy who had a reputation for treating sex casually.

 

So are you and I on the same page now? Who would have thunk it???

 

Rock on, Carnatic! And keep saving yourself for that "right" girl! Don't settle!

[Carnatic]

but that never stopped them from trying. Why is that?

 

because by definition, players want to play, they treat relationships like games and if you are easy it's not a game. Think of yourself as the Monopoly to other girls' Snakes and Ladders.

 

As for finding the right girl, the trouble is I'm not really saving myself. I've found a few girls that could well have been the right girl. But I'm pretty useless with girls. That however... is by the by.

[ShySoul]

because I'm sociable and flirty and judging from female attention I get not too bad looking

 

But I'm pretty useless with girls.

 

Doesn't sound like useless to me. It sounds like you actually are a very social person, good heart, and it wouldn't be hard to find a girl. But what's holding you back is confidence in yourself. You worry about being a disappointment or what others will think of you. I understand that and everyone worries about that. But you seem like a guy that can do great with women, and you have a heart that would use these skills for good, not evil. That you are concerned about giving her what she wants and making it good for her shows that. You know how many guys are only thinking of themselves?

[Miss M]

but that never stopped them from trying. Why is that?

 

because by definition, players want to play, they treat relationships like games and if you are easy it's not a game. Think of yourself as the Monopoly to other girls' Snakes and Ladders.

You know, you're really making some excellent points here. And this is another good example of why relationships are so danged confusing. So by having certain principles, by not wanting a guy who treats sex casually, I actually attract more of the exact thing I don't want??? I'm very sad, now, but this fits with what's been happening for a lot of years. I kept wondering if I had something like a neon sign accross my forehead inviting all the guys I don't want. And now, it seems as if I do. But I had no idea that not wanting a macho stud who treats sex casually, was actually attracting the macho studs who treat sex casually. Geez. No wonder I've been confused for so long.

 

As for finding the right girl, the trouble is I'm not really saving myself. I've found a few girls that could well have been the right girl. But I'm pretty useless with girls. That however... is by the by.

Okay, now this part doesn't seem so wise. C'mon, are you really gonna be yet another great guy who's inconsistently flip-flopping between wisdom and ... and... well... stupidity? (Pardon if that's too harsh.) Or maybe another guy like Kyoshiro Ogari, just sitting on the sidelines. Have you read my posts in KO's thread?

link removed

Seems there's a little bit of overlap happening here.

 

[Miss M]

because by definition, players want to play, they treat relationships like games and if you are easy it's not a game. Think of yourself as the Monopoly to other girls' Snakes and Ladders.

This is seriously depressing. I think I knew this already because the more I think about, it seems vaguely familiar, but it's probably sinking in deeper today.

 

So when I tell him NO, that actually spurs him on??? Have you guys ever seen that t-shirt for women that says, "What part of NO don't you understand?"

 

So how do I get rid of the creeps? And I hope the answer isn't to tell him "yes." I've actually known women who did that and got rid of men, but somehow I seriously doubt it will work for me.

[asdf]

Why do you even care about reptutation? How is anyone other then the person you are with really going to know how you are in bed? Their opinion doesn't matter.

 

Not quite true though, people do talk. And as for reputation, nobody is gonna like it if people are going round saying you are a crap shag. What I say is the best reputation is no reputation.

 

a little story of something that happened to me in uni:

 

when i lived in a student dorm, i thought i used to see this girl looking in my direction, so i thought she might've been interested in me, but i wasn't really interested in her

 

anyway, later through the year, i'd seem to be getting a lot of female attention, so i embraced it like any other teenage guy.

 

i later found out that the girl i mentioned had told other people that i had slept with her on and off and that i was really good at sex. i don't know how good she said i was, but i'm pretty sure that's why all these females were paying attention to me. i had never slept with the girl, and it was pretty funny cause i was a virgin at the time and already had an effective reputation of course, i never told anybody i was a virgin.

 

I think that could have been quite stressful for you. It would have been for me, because if girls thought you/me were a stud, a bit macho and a player, then the wrong kind of girls would go for you and they'd be disappointed to find you were a shy, sensitive virgin while the nicer girls may never get to like you, their first impression of you being as the kind of guy they don't like.

 

Well, I wasn't exactly the shy sensitive type at the time. And since I didn't know about it for most of the time, I got a huge confidence boost out of it thinking that the girls were attracted to me just because. Anyway, I didn't sleep with any of those girls anyway, because they weren't the kind of girls I went after. The whole thing definitely gave me a good learning experience about girls though, because before that, I still wasn't that confident with talking to girls. After that, it was pretty easy. It did come to mind after I found out that I wouldn't live up to expectations because I was pretty sure I wouldn't be that great when I had my first time, but luckily, I didn't really want to be with any of those girls.

 

Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that a reputation can be quite powerful.

[Carnatic]

I know what you mean asdf, like I said, the best reputation is no reputation. I keep trying to shed off reputation after reputation, but I seem to keep getting them. I'm just too damn chatty. I wouldn't give that up though.

 

Miss M. It does attract the jerks but having all the qualities that you have certainly doesn't put off the nice (typical?) guys, if anything they are more attracted to that than the players because they see it as a genuine personality as opposed to a challenge that they can show off to their mates about if they 'win'.

 

What will put off the guys you want is the swarm of players around you. The other guys will assume it is because you are a 'players' girl' and leave you alone. If you want the nice guys you have to be rid of the players.

 

So what to do here is be pretty damn forceful with them, make it clear in no uncertain terms that you are not interested. If they still persist to annoy you (and many will as I said before) then just hit them!

 

That should get rid of them.

[Miss M]

Shucks. I wrote a post that got deleted cause I alluded to a bad word.

 

Oh well, I'll have to remember what I wrote and try to write it again.

[Miss M]

Miss M. It does attract the jerks but having all the qualities that you have certainly doesn't put off the nice (typical?) guys,

You say it doesn't put off the nice guys? I'm still trying to figure out if there really is such a creature, and what he looks like. Maybe I've been missing the clues. Are there a lot of nice people out there and we just don't recognize each other? That's what I'm trying to figure out.

 

What will put off the guys you want is the swarm of players around you. The other guys will assume it is because you are a 'players' girl' and leave you alone. If you want the nice guys you have to be rid of the players.

As far as I've been able to tell, I've not been usually taken for a 'players' girl. Now you've told me that's exactly why they're attracted, but they don't stay long because I do tell them to get lost. It just takes more words than it should, and I've always wondered why they even would try at all. So they want me precisely because I'm not their type of girl? Okay, now I understand that too, but it's still really weird.

 

And as for not having a swarm around me...well, that's typically not an issue because lately I'm always a solo act. It seems I'm actually considered a type of oddball by most standards. Most people who I encounter think a woman like me who has been unattached for years is a curiosity, an oddity, even suspect. I'm just stepping back to look over the whole dating thing from a different angle, trying to figure out something because I was very tired of the typical way it all previously unfolded.

 

And I just noticed something. You're now giving me advice on guys. That's kinda funny, but you have made some good points.

 

And haven't we gone off-topic? We're not talking about virginity anymore, are we?

 

So are you gonna take your own advice and stop hanging around the girls who aren't your type so that the girls who are your type won't get the wrong idea?

[Carnatic]

LOL, well I don't exactly hang round girls of the wrong type, the girls I chat to are most certainly of the right type, I just seem to be the wrong type for them. Or I go about it wrong, whatever it is I'm doing something wrong cos they whenever I do ask a girl out they seem mildly surprised, like they'd never even considered me in that sort of way. And I get pretty shy, but it's not always an issue, if I stand around on my own for a bit girls do come up and chat to me, but it normally passes me by.

 

Anyway, i'm off to Egypt for 2 weeks. see you all when I get back. (i have something I'll want advice on AGAIN!) ciao

[asdf]

LOL, well I don't exactly hang round girls of the wrong type, the girls I chat to are most certainly of the right type, I just seem to be the wrong type for them. Or I go about it wrong, whatever it is I'm doing something wrong cos they whenever I do ask a girl out they seem mildly surprised, like they'd never even considered me in that sort of way. And I get pretty shy, but it's not always an issue, if I stand around on my own for a bit girls do come up and chat to me, but it normally passes me by.

 

Anyway, i'm off to Egypt for 2 weeks. see you all when I get back. (i have something I'll want advice on AGAIN!) ciao

 

enjoy egypt!

[WalkingWithGod]

By the age of 23 most people probably haven't had more than about 20 sexual encounters. You should be able to make that up in a month or 2 once you find a women who will be a little patient with you ideally in a marriage relationship.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I'll be honest - I'd have no problem having sex with you, provided you just said beforehand something honest and casual such as "ya know what...I've never done this before".

 

As a decent human being, I'd be understanding and wouldn't make a big deal out of it. And neither would any other decent human being.

[artofdrowning]

I'm a virgin though I have had the oppertunity not to be one, and have done some stuff. I feel really badly about it most of the time, but I guess I'm just too picky, and have fear of rejection too. I guess just be positive about the future, and some girls/boys respect virgins more, if anyone rejects you just cause of lack of exsperiance they must be pretty shallow and not worth the time of day.