The stigma attached to virginity

[Carnatic]

Hello there! I'm a 22 year old Student. I'm useless with girls, I'm a little shy,I can't read the signs and am oblivious to girls checking me out until the moment has passed. I'm too friendly, I chat to new people all the time and can't tell the difference between girls smiling at me because of this or because they like me. This post isn't about my reasons for being useless though, that's just a bit of background.

 

How great is the stigma attached to virgins. I'm a virgin, I've never kissed a girl and never had a girlfriend. Me and a mate were in a friends flat a while back and her flatmates were talking about guys. They seemed to agree that they could never go out with or sleep with a virgin, 'because it would be crap wouldn't it, he would have no experience'.

 

At 22 is it too late, is it too much of a stigma. I've told a few (male) friends before, and they seemed quite shocked, initially they thought I was a virgin through choice. But will girls automatically assume I am a loser because I am a virgin. Girls of my generation seem to value experience, and I don't blame them for it, so am I so far behind to catch up. I need the experience to get a girl and I need a girl to get the experience.

 

The reason I ask is that I couldn't really contemplate, if I ever did get that far with a girl, not telling her it was my first time.

[phishgirl]

Carnatic, in my opinion you should tell her eventually, but not up front, if you don't feel a strong connection with her. DON'T tell her you're a virgin before you have sex-it may scare her, and put a lot of presssure on her. If you're together long enough to feel a connection, then do so-let her know early on in the relationship so she doesn't feel lied to. This will build your confidence the first time, and reduce pressure to perform. To tell you the truth, however (not trying to be contradictory, though, sorry), if you feel she IS understanding and sensitive before you have sex, and you DO feel a strong connection to her, tell her. She'll feel SO special knowing you want her to be your first, if you feel right about it with her.

[DropToZero]

Hey man, don't worry about it...I was the same way till VERY recently. There may be a stigma to it, but you can still read things and maybe understand a little more about it until you can get some true experience. I'm only a couple years younger, and I just lost my virginity a few nights ago actually....and to a girl that has much more experience than I did.

 

After we were done, she questioned me because she heard a few weeks ago when she was at my house that my friends were messing with me b/c I was still a virgin. She asked if it was true...and I didn't lie to her, I told her they were right and that I really was. Then she said it was somewhat hard to believe b/c that was the best sex she'd ever had she said....and no I didn't pressure her into saying that or ask for any sort of approval. I was a complete virgin to everything a couple of months ago, and this girl was telling me I was a great kisser and everything.

 

So as the answer to your question....don't rush it, who cares what your friends think and what other girls think. With the attitude that you DO care what they think, that will drive you insane and make you look very unsure of yourself. Just be yourself, you don't have to tell every girl you meet that you're a virgin and if they ask, don't lie...be proud. Even this girl I was with asked if I was going to tell my friends so they'd shutup about me still being a virgin, and I told her I wasn't because I didn't care what they thought....and No I will not tell them, even if they ask. Good luck man...just stay confident, you'll find someone.

[ShySoul]

Some girls will be shallow and not like it. But do you want to worry about them? Are they really worth your time? If they can't get over that and see you for who you really are, which is much more then prior sexual experience, then they aren't the kind of girl you want.

 

Other girls won't mind. Some may even find your innocence attractive. These are the girls who will be attracted to the real you, the ones who see what is really important.

 

I'm in the same place. I'm 22 with no date, no girlfriend, no kiss. I'm 100% virgin and proud of it. And of the girls who know about it and I've talked relationship stuff with, none of them have ever been anything but supportive and even impressed by my resolve to wait for the right person. When it comes to this topic, virgins are almost always harder on themselves then anyone else. They think it's such a bad thing because of how much sex is portrayed in society and how your seemingly a freak if your a virgin at 16. That's not the case.

 

If you did get that far with a women, no when you get that far, it would be because the two of you really love each other enough to share the experience. Because you love each other, you'll be honest and tell her. You'll probably talk about it before you get to a kiss since it will be on your mind. And she won't care because she really loves you.

 

As for the girls who said it would be crap, there have no idea what they are talking about. For all they know they could be missing out on the best lover in the world, there loss. And experience isn't everything. Love and passion to make it memorable also counts for something, as does enthusiasm.

[darkblue]

It's a sacred thing. You haven't found the ideal woman yet, So what?

 

People can attach stigmas all they like. They can't if they don't know by the way.

 

But eventually, you'll see that it was worth it when that girl that you have waited for comes into your life.

 

Don't let the stigma get to you. There are loads of people in the same circumstance that have posted with similar stories.

 

Enjoy dating and don't settle, just because...

 

Wait for that woman that's right, special and not shallow enough to judge you.

 

Take Care.

[Cadence308]

You are worrying too much about what your friends and these girls you know think. It sounds like these girls may be promiscuous. There are MANY girls out there that will accept you and be happy to know that you haven't been around the block. It's not all about just losing your virginity, but sex should be special and meaninful.

[sorryJason]

Just be careful, if you are a sensitive guy, it might be damaging the first time you have sex, especially if you were as eager as I was! If she is the right girl she will know to handle it nicely! I know I had perfomance anxiety and my ex helped me throught it and was very kind and understanding about it. I lost my virginity when I was 23, so don't feel bad about it. Maybe you are just meant to keep it for that special person.

 

I think it all depends on your attitudes towards sex, for me I really wanted it all the time, but I couldn't bring myself to actually go through with it. I mean I tried, but mentally I don't think I was ready for it, then when I met my ex, she was very experience, and she really loved me, so she helped me through it, and I am very thankful to her for that. I don't know if I will be able to have sex with anyone else, I might have performance anxeity problems again, but I hope that I don't have that problem with someone who is not as understanding as my ex was, she was great!

[cichlid]

At 22 is it too late, is it too much of a stigma. I've told a few (male) friends before, and they seemed quite shocked, initially they thought I was a virgin through choice. But will girls automatically assume I am a loser because I am a virgin. Girls of my generation seem to value experience, and I don't blame them for it, so am I so far behind to catch up. I need the experience to get a girl and I need a girl to get the experience.

Haha. I'm a virgin and by choice...and let me tell you when you say it's be choice it makes you not look like a "loser" that can't get a girl. Just be happy with who you are. Girls can see that confidence you have with being just you. You don't have to have sex to get a girl there are some women like me who value guys that don't just want sex in a relationship.

 

I'm going to be brutally honest. The fact that you worry about this makes it unattractive. If I met a guy like you I would run away quickly. Why? Because they seem to value losing their virginity to look cooler than having an actual relationship with me. They aren't happy with who they are and I wouldd sit there wondering what else they are self conscious about. Honestly...stop worrying so much.

[imbalance]

im 26 and in your boat, and what can i say. it's pretty depressing.

 

a lot of people like to encourage and say the nice things to be said to someone in your position. the grim reality is that the first thing most people think when they hear about older virgins is, "how unfortunate." then they either wonder what's wrong with you or are quick to assure you that nothing at all is wrong with you (which is a dead giveaway). ever notice that nobody ever replies with a simple, self-evident "so what?"

 

you're still pretty young, and it's understandable that you haven't really paid much attention to this aspect of life. but now that you've had these thoughts, you'd better hurry up and get it done because now it's on your mind; every year that passes will weigh on you more and more. eventually your self-esteem will hit rock bottom and then it'll really be too late. never admit your virginity unless you are sure it will not negatively impact you. even if you say it was by choice, you simply come off as overly picky / arrogant, or just socially or emotionally inept.

[sorryJason]

If you are worried about not being experienced, just read a lot of sex books, no not playboy!! Read books on how to be a good lover, watch shows on how to please a woman. I know I did before my first time, and I don't know if my ex was just being kind, but she said she didn't believe me that it was my first time. Just study up on how to do it, and don't just mean intercourse, any fool can have intercourse, learn how to make love, learn how to use foreplay and other types of sex, instead of just intercourse. Believe me it matters to a woman, especially the older they get, they start getting more interested in sex!

 

If you need to know what books to read, I might be able to help you, it has been a while, but I might be able to remember some of them.

[ShySoul]

even if you say it was by choice, you simply come off as overly picky / arrogant, or just socially or emotionally inept.

 

Right, thats the exact opinion I got of the 23 year old girl I know who is not only a virgin by choice, but also hasn't had a relationship yet. And thats precisely what I think of the 29 year old women I was chatting with who is also a virgin by choice. Come on.

 

If anything I find people are more respectful of those who have decided to wait. It's easy to give into the pressure and have sex so you can say you've done it. When your young its the feeling that everyone is doing it. When you get older its the feeling that everyone has done it. But this is your life, not theirs, not anyone else's. If the right person hasn't come along, then don't sweat it. It happens when its suppose to happen. And better to wait until its right then to do it for any other reason.

 

And can you think of anything more romantic, special, and likely to melt a girls heart then letting them know that you have been waiting all this time for the right girl, the girl that makes you feel like you've never felt before, the girl you truly love.... her.

[OceanEyes]

I have a close male friend who is 26 and still a virgin, and it's definitely by choice. He's had opportunities that I've personally witnessed in the three years I've known him, but he seems to want to be able to trust the girl first. Then again, this guy has more personal issues than anyone I know! For example, the couple of girlfriends I'm aware of him having, he's confessed love to in less than a month. That is simply too much, too soon, and creates unrealistic expectations for ANY woman. Quite simply, it's scary to be dating a guy, trying to have some fun, and he's already writing you lovesick poems and imagining what your kids are going to look like. We don't live in that kind of world.

 

I don't think that there is anything wrong with being a romantic idealist, but you should also be realistic; most women in their mid-twenties don't want to bear the cross of deflowering a grown man. And it has little or nothing to do with experience.

 

I think this information is best kept to yourself until you know the girl really well, and are sure that she's mature and genuine enough to accept and deal with that. This may sound harsh, but I always wonder what's wrong with my 26 year-old virgin friend. I think that any woman of a certain age, upon meeting a man who has never had sex, will wonder why. And, sometimes it's too great of a responsibility and comes with too much pressure if the guy is seeking his "soul mate" on the first try.

 

It takes time, and yes I'll admit, making some mistakes with dating and relationships to discover what really works for you and what doesn't. I think it's realistic to accept the fact that you might have to try more than once before you meet someone who is right for you.

[cichlid]

Why is it many think there is usually something wrong with a virgin? Like it is somehow bad to be like that. I guess after reading more of the posts I can see why the original poster is so...worried. Oh, well...hmmmm...religious reasons still hasn't been mentioned. I think the same thing could be said about non-virgins. Y'know? Negative things... Oh, well...my mind is blank right now. I'll probably elaborate more when I get back from my calculus test. My mind isn't working properly.

[Carnatic]

I'm going to be brutally honest. The fact that you worry about this makes it unattractive. If I met a guy like you I would run away quickly. Why? Because they seem to value losing their virginity to look cooler than having an actual relationship with me. They aren't happy with who they are and I wouldd sit there wondering what else they are self conscious about. Honestly...stop worrying so much.

 

I'm going to have to disagree with you there. I'm not worrying openly about it. I used to keep it to myself, thinking it made me a loser, but back then I felt like a loser for many reasons, being a virgin was only a small part of that. Last year one of my mates within my group of friends was quite open about being a virgin and the others gave him a bit of stick, but were generally totally accepting of it, he was a cool guy and it made me feel less self conscious, so now if it comes up in conversation I'm happy to say, 'I'm still a virgin'.

 

I certainly don't want to lose my virginity to look cooler. I'm hardly gonna shout it from the rooftops. I want to lose it, and to someone I love because it's something big in life I've never experienced... and I want to.

 

Also to those who said I shouldn't tell a girl before having sex because it will pressure her. What about the pressure on me? If she didn't know I was a virgin then she would be holding me to the standards of every guy she'd had before me. And if I didn't meet those standards, you know what life is like, I'd quickly have a reputation for being crap in bed.

 

I do accept that virgins can be good in bed though, I also hear about guys getting dumped for being bad in bed. I just think that honesty is probably the best policy, then anything that happens to me I had coming.

 

If I worried about this that much I'd talk about it with people I really know, I just need to air some things from tiime to time.

[ShySoul]

Also to those who said I shouldn't tell a girl before having sex because it will pressure her. What about the pressure on me? If she didn't know I was a virgin then she would be holding me to the standards of every guy she'd had before me. And if I didn't meet those standards, you know what life is like, I'd quickly have a reputation for being crap in bed.

 

Why do you even care about reptutation? How is anyone other then the person you are with really going to know how you are in bed? Their opinion doesn't matter. As for the person you are with, if you've taken the time to really know her, for the relationship to grow to the point where you honestly love each other.... you won't be bad. She won't see it as anything bad or feel pressured. Unless you are nervous and it shows, which would make her feel more nervous. But if you relax and go with the flow, focusing on how much you love each other.... most likely everything will work out wonderful.

 

Your the one putting the pressure on yourself. It seems like you are worrying about how you will perform or being compared to others. Don't think of that stuff. Think about how you feel for her and how you can please her.

 

You also said you haven't had a relationship before. That is going to come up before your virginity will. And if you are honest (which is the best policy) then you'll say you haven't had experience in relationships before. The virgin thing will pretty much be a given after that. And having it out can give you a good idea of the person she is. If she freaks out, then you can be pretty sure she isn't right for you. Better to know early then to get to that point and find out. If she is supportive of you, you might have found a keeper.

 

I do accept that virgins can be good in bed though, I also hear about guys getting dumped for being bad in bed. I just think that honesty is probably the best policy, then anything that happens to me I had coming.

 

If they are being dumped for being "bad" in bed, the girl is shallow and not worth it. I'd also say there is other issues, the sex was just an excuse. Plus, if you really love each other, it won't be bad.

 

Change the attitude of "I had it coming." That sounds like you are blaming yourself if things don't work out right. Maybe its not you, its them and their own insecurities?

 

I don't think that there is anything wrong with being a romantic idealist, but you should also be realistic; most women in their mid-twenties don't want to bear the cross of deflowering a grown man. And it has little or nothing to do with experience.

 

Interesting... Why would you view it as "bearing a cross?" Why are both parties looking at it as a chore? That's putting unnecessary pressure on each other and on themselves, which makes things akward and more likely to be "bad." Its a self fullfilling prophecy. The guy thinks his lack of experience will make him look bad compared to past guys she has been with. The girl thinks she has to make it great to live up to his expectations. Instead of being a magical, memorable experience, it becomes a tension filled project.

 

Your right, it doesn't have anything to do with experience. It has to do with each persons fears and insecurities. Instead of giving into these things, maybe if people just blocked them out and let their love flow then they will see there is nothing to worry about.

 

This may sound harsh, but I always wonder what's wrong with my 26 year-old virgin friend. I think that any woman of a certain age, upon meeting a man who has never had sex, will wonder why. And, sometimes it's too great of a responsibility and comes with too much pressure if the guy is seeking his "soul mate" on the first try.

 

I was talking about this with my almost first girlfriend (long story), and I get where this is coming from. We were just talking about kissing, not even sex, and she mentioned the pressure of not living up to expectations. What I tried to explain is that for those who have waited, there really aren't expectations that someone has to live up to. There is no need to feel a sense of responsiblity. We wait for the right person, and when we find her then it will be great. She doesn't have to do anything other then be herself, because she is the one we've fallen in love with. Just being with her makes it good for us.

 

And she did wonder why I haven't had a relationship. But not in the sense of wondering whats wrong with me, but in the sense that I am such a great guy and have such a great understanding of how to make a women feel special that she couldn't believe I hadn't had a girlfriend.

[Carnatic]

Why do you even care about reptutation? How is anyone other then the person you are with really going to know how you are in bed? Their opinion doesn't matter.

 

Not quite true though, people do talk. And as for reputation, nobody is gonna like it if people are going round saying you are a crap shag. What I say is the best reputation is no reputation.

 

And though I would say I come under the category of a romantic, if I was out at a nightclub or bar, as I often am and a girl, who fit the criteria of nice, funny, smart and attractive came up and started chatting to me (has actually happened before I'm just too oblivious to notice) and we danced, and she wanted to kiss, and then one thing led to another. Well I wouldn't necessarily turn her down.

 

I am a nice guy, but I don't want everyone assuming that just because I am a virgin then I'm pathetically nice, have no confidence, overly romantic and waiting for 'the one'.

 

I've never considered or worried about virginity before though, and I'm not worried now, not in the light of most of your comments anyway, thanks for that, but there are just some things that a virgin has to ask.

[Miss M]

Also to those who said I shouldn't tell a girl before having sex because it will pressure her. What about the pressure on me? If she didn't know I was a virgin then she would be holding me to the standards of every guy she'd had before me. And if I didn't meet those standards, you know what life is like, I'd quickly have a reputation for being crap in bed.

You've written a lot about waiting for the right girl. So, are you planning on getting with the kind of girl who will go and report her disappointment to others in order to mess up your "reputation"? Seems you're being overly imaginative. Or maybe you can imagine a BETTER "right" girl?... one that doesn't quickly report back to the masses?

 

And why do you think girls will be comparing you to all the other guys she's had? Your "right" girl sure doesn't sound very right.

 

I do accept that virgins can be good in bed though, I also hear about guys getting dumped for being bad in bed.

I'll let you in on a little secret. The so-called "experienced" guys are not good in bed either. Do you think that "experience" automatically means GOOD experience? It doesn't.

[Carnatic]

Or maybe you can imagine a BETTER "right" girl?... one that doesn't quickly report back to the masses?

 

I don't know, maybe. It's not like I think girls will be b*tches, but until I posted this, I was under the impression that it was OK for a girl to dump a guy for being bad in bed, that with sex being the ultimate act of love, A girl had a right to expect a guy to be good at is just as much as she had a right not to be treated like a piece of meat.

 

I blame my mates... and TV. You never see lovemaking on TV being done badly by the good guy. So it's not often I post something on here and have my impressions changed. I'm glad I did post this now.

 

P.S. you have to be patient with me, I'm not the brightest bulb on the christmas tree and I often can't articulate my writing to say what I mean, hence I come accross as a bit of a d**k

[ShySoul]

I blame my mates... and TV. You never see lovemaking on TV being done badly by the good guy. So it's not often I post something on here and have my impressions changed. I'm glad I did post this now.

 

If your going off of TV then your in trouble. Central casting and those script writers aren't interested in reality, they are interested in rating. Glad you've gotten some help from this post.

 

Do you think that "experience" automatically means GOOD experience? It doesn't.

 

I'll have to remember that line.

 

Not quite true though, people do talk. And as for reputation, nobody is gonna like it if people are going round saying you are a crap shag. What I say is the best reputation is no reputation.

 

Not everyone will talk, alot of people prefer to keep personal things like that private. And like most gossip and rumors, it is either made up and untrue or is designed to hide the fears and insecurities of the person who started the gossip. If a girl was cruel enough to start that claim, she is probably concerned with her reputation and felt like she needed to put you down so that she doesn't face the fact that maybe she isn't as good as she thinks. Hey, chances are the earth won't be moving for you either in that case. Reputation is highly overrated. You know the truth, your real friends will, and they won't care what others are saying.

[Carnatic]

Not wanting to switch the topic, or make out I'm overly bothered about reputation, but you see this a lot on these forums (I'm not accusing anyone here, just what seems to be a general consensus), and from advice given in real life.

The people who gossip/talk behind your back/believe rumours etc. aren't your real friends, your real friends will stand by you always. (and many similar things about real friends)

If only life was that simple, fact is people gossip and make fun of each other all the time, it doesn't stop them being your friends. If we dumped a friend as soon as they did or said something that wasn't nice about us then we's soon be friendless. You just gotta accept these things, give as good and you get and not take things seriously.

 

As for the 'debate' on virginity. I feel better for your comments, as long as I know that I'm not some sort of freak I'm happy.

[OceanEyes]

Interesting... Why would you view it as "bearing a cross?" Why are both parties looking at it as a chore? That's putting unnecessary pressure on each other and on themselves, which makes things akward and more likely to be "bad." Its a self fullfilling prophecy. The guy thinks his lack of experience will make him look bad compared to past guys she has been with.

 

To tell you the truth Shy, sex really has nothing to do with it. I can't speak for every woman, and I certainly don't think that there is anything wrong with someone who saves him/ herself. I don't really care who chooses to have sex and who doesn't, to be even more honest.

 

The reason I said that sex has nothing to do with it, is because for me, it wouldn't. When I imagine the scenario of getting to know a guy, and developing feelings for him, it would hit me like a ton of bricks if he said something like, "I've been waiting for you my whole life, I want to lose my virginity to you". The reason this would be SO HARD to take, is because I would feel so much pressure to avoid hurting him in the future. What woman with a conscience wouldn't? I wouldn't even consider myself a worthy candidate of something like that. I could never guarantee a guy I hadn't even had sex with yet, that I would still love him in a year - or even a month!

 

I probably wouldn't go through with it for the simple reason, that I just couldn't bare the thought of taking something this person had been saving for 23+ years. Why me? I don't think of sex in that way, and never have. Sex is not that special to me unless I do it with a man I'm completely in love with. Then again, I don't think that I could even be completely in love with a guy unless I knew that we were sexually compatible!

[Miss M]

Do you think that "experience" automatically means GOOD experience? It doesn't.

 

I'll have to remember that line.

Hi ShySoul,

Well, it's very true. Experience doesn't count for squat when it comes to how good a guy is in bed. And actually, cichlid_chick/Liz alluded to this also when she said...

I think the same thing could be said about non-virgins. Y'know? Negative things...

Yeah. Non-virgins can be pretty sorry performers as well. There are no guarantees.

 

I don't know, maybe. It's not like I think girls will be b*tches, but until I posted this, I was under the impression that it was OK for a girl to dump a guy for being bad in bed, that with sex being the ultimate act of love, A girl had a right to expect a guy to be good at is just as much as she had a right not to be treated like a piece of meat.

Nope, nothing like that at all. Choose a partner who is loving and kind and thoughtful, and all of that also carries over into the sex as well. For some women, sex is a very intimate joining, and any problems that the guy has are hers also, something to be shared and solved compassionately together. (And that also works in reverse too. If you've got a girl who doesn't already know that, then you don't have the "right" girl. Choose carefully and you should be just fine. (And so many have already said that, so this is just to add to what they've already told you.

 

If we dumped a friend as soon as they did or said something that wasn't nice about us then we's soon be friendless. You just gotta accept these things, give as good and you get and not take things seriously.

Well, it will be a wee bit difficult finding a loving and considerate and compassionate girl if you keep believing what you wrote here. And I used to think the same way as you, except it was on some unconscious level. It took me decades before I began to re-think that logic. Finally I got smart and raised the standard, and then I started crossing people off the "A" list. I'm not willing to settle anymore, and I think I've probably wasted a lot of time hanging out with the wrong crowd. First slowly, then all at once, the "A" list got real short real quick. You can try doing it the way I did, hold onto those lousy "friends" for years and years just because you don't want to be alone. Or you can save your self a lot of time and heartache, raise the bar, clear off the list so you can replace those dead-weights with something meaningful and fulfilling. Don't let the fear of aloneness keep you in situations that aren't good for you. The quicker you evict the slackers, the more room you have for something better.

 

Good luck!

[Miss M]

a lot of people like to encourage and say the nice things to be said to someone in your position. the grim reality is that the first thing most people think when they hear about older virgins is, "how unfortunate." then they either wonder what's wrong with you or are quick to assure you that nothing at all is wrong with you (which is a dead giveaway). ever notice that nobody ever replies with a simple, self-evident "so what?"

This doesn't seem like a fair assessment. You're reinterpreting what people are saying into something negative. Are you saying they're lying? If I reassure someone and say nothing's wrong with being an older virgin, that's exactly what I mean. You can dismiss it as something false, but that doesn't mean it was really insincere. That just means that's how you persist in seeing it. And do you think saying "so what?" is somehow more proof of their sincerity? If somebody says that "nothing at all is wrong," isn't that just a way of saying "so what?"?

[ShySoul]

If only life was that simple, fact is people gossip and make fun of each other all the time, it doesn't stop them being your friends. If we dumped a friend as soon as they did or said something that wasn't nice about us then we's soon be friendless. You just gotta accept these things, give as good and you get and not take things seriously.

 

I don't believe my best friend and I have ever gosspied or made fun of each other. Now, maybe we are just weird (well we are which partly explains the friendship ) but this shows that what you say doesn't have to be the case. Of the other two people I really consider friends, I can't imagine them ever gossiping about me behind my back.

 

Friends may joke around with you, but real friends will not say something that would be harmful like that or give into rumors and gossip.

 

, it would hit me like a ton of bricks if he said something like, "I've been waiting for you my whole life, I want to lose my virginity to you". The reason this would be SO HARD to take, is because I would feel so much pressure to avoid hurting him in the future. What woman with a conscience wouldn't? I wouldn't even consider myself a worthy candidate of something like that.

 

You sound almost exactly like the girl I was talking to. Amazed by a person with such high morals, someone who feels so passionately about love. You feel like you don't deserve someone like that because you can't return that kind of devotion. Thing is, he's not asking you to be worthy, he's not asking you to promise you will never hurt him in some way. Chances are he is fully aware that things can happen and that it may not be forever. But he wants to share himself like that, he wants to give you something that means so much to him. Wouldn't turning him down then be harming him anyways, doing exactly what you wanted not to do?

 

He's saying he loves you and wants to share himself intimately with you. If you really like him to (this is assuming you've actually taken the time to really get to know each other) then why let your fears of the future hold you back from something that you want? No one knows what will happen in the future. For all you know he could be the one that hurts you. Or maybe you'll live happy ever after. Or maybe you will split peacefully and always have fond memories to look back on. You don't know. So why worry about what could be when you can focus on what is?

 

I probably wouldn't go through with it for the simple reason, that I just couldn't bare the thought of taking something this person had been saving for 23+ years. Why me? I don't think of sex in that way, and never have

 

Why you? Because he loves you. You say you want sex with someone you really love. Well someone who has waited 23+ years almost certaintly wants the same thing. He's not going to say this to you unless you've really gotten close and have been seeing each other awhile. At that point the odds are you will feel love for each other, and that love is what will make it special. Don't think of the past or the future, just think about how you feel about this guy. If you love him and he loves you, then have fun.

 

ever notice that nobody ever replies with a simple, self-evident "so what?

 

I believe I have said "so what" before in regards to people being virgins. Theres nothing wrong with it and people shouldn't be ashamed. But leaving it at that doesn't really help the person. So I try to identify with them and let them know that I understand how they feel. That usually cheers people up more.

[Miss M]

It's a sacred thing. You haven't found the ideal woman yet, So what?

Ah! There, you see! Somebody DID say "so what?"

 

But you probably missed it, huh?

Oh well... carry on.

I just wanted to point this out.