Was dumped on Monday

[ManyYearsDevastated]

My boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me on Monday. He just wants to be "friends"/wants to be able to see other people. During our relationship, he always took time to listen to me and I miss that so much right now. I am not eating or sleeping hardly at all.

 

I have had no contact with him since then.

 

I am consumed with how long it is going to take me to get over him because I have a very hard time connecting with guys in any meaningful way.

 

I have dated hundreds of guys. Even though I felt dead at the start of the relationship, I went on and dated some guys for as long as 2 years, hoping to develop any sort of romantic feelings.

 

Six years ago, I met a guy and I actually felt romantic feelings for the first time in my life. He dumped me after about six months.

I went back to dating and having relationships even though feeling no romantic feelings. I just kept believing that I would eventually develop feelings if I dated someone long enough. Meanwhile, I cried myself to sleep for 4 years. He was the first guy I loved.

 

By some miracle, I met this new guy five months ago and fell in love again. He was so kind and I trusted him.

 

I went onto several online dating services today, in an attempt to move on. While reviewing the profiles, I realized that over the past several years, I have already either dated or received "not interested" from all the guys in my metro area on these services.

 

My friends have introduced me to every single guy they know but I never developed romantic feelings although I tried to make the feelings happen when I was dating these guys.

 

For my entire life, I have been in a loving relationship for a grand total of 11 months.

 

I don't know what to "move on" toward. I have run out of people to date. And I have run out of faith. Do I keep using guys who ask me out to try to force myself to have romantic feelings? It seems so wrong to lead someone on.

 

I have taken a few year-long breaks from dating altogether. Should I just go into that mode permanently? Maybe life is sending me a signal that there is just not going to be marriage/kids ever for me.

 

Or do I pack up and move to a new city and spend several more years dating several more hundred guys and having empty relationships in order to maybe find that romantic connection only to get dumped a few months later?

 

All that I know from my last breakup is that it took me 4 years before I was not distraught 24 hours a day. And even then, most days after that, I was still miserable much of the time.

 

Only in meeting this new guy, did I 'get over' the first guy. And now, my new boyfriend is gone, along with all my hope.

[DN]

When the same, or similar, things happen to you, it is usually time to figure out why. It is especially important to figure out if there is something you are doing that is the problem.

 

What reasons did these guys give for breaking up with you? Especially the latest guy.

 

Why do you feel dead at the the start of a relationship -what does that mean?

 

Why hundreds of guys - did you not want to pursue them or was that more their decision? do you know why they didn't work out?

 

Self analysis is in order here, I think. Don't lapse into self-pity -work out why this is happening and see if you can do something to change it.

[ManyYearsDevastated]

Good questions. The first guy did not tell me this until we broke up but he wanted to be a stepdad. He didn't have a good stepdad and he wants to contribute to the world in that way. He does not want kids of his own. It was a deal-breaker that I do not have kids already. He now lives out of state, but I know that his last 3 girlfriends have all been where he was positioning himself to be a future stepdad. He has to do what is best for him and I have no ill-will toward him. However, he should not have been booking trips all over to meet my family my family if he did not foresee a long-term relationship with me.

 

The 2nd guy broke up with me via text message. He wants to date other people but he really wants to be friends with me and continue hanging out. He thought that me, him and the new women he intends on meeting would have a great time out at the clubs dancing. I have not had any contact with him since the text message. I am in too much pain to have any contact with him.

 

As for every other guy that I have ever dated, even in high school...I just never felt any type of an interest/attraction/friendship with any of them. Until I met the first guy, I thought that was how dating was supposed to be. You just felt dead inside from the time it started until it ended. With all the guys except the two, there are four ways things end:

 

1. Over the course of the relationship, the feeling of being dead gets worse and worse until I am crying all the time at work, etc. Then, I break up with the guy because I have learned through the years that this is the instant way to cure this dead feeling.

 

2. The feeling of being dead inside is so bad at the start of the relationship that I get really depressed and just sleep too much and don't return phone calls so things fall apart.

 

3. The guy confronts me and says that he doesn't think I am interested and asks me to say "I love you" or demonstrate another token of the relationship, like buying property together. Since I have never had feeings of interest/attraction/friendship in any relationships other than the two guys, I don't feel that I can lie to someone outright, so I just break up. The dead feeling inside instantly goes away, even with the guy that I dated 2 years.

 

4. The guy decides not to pursue it and since I never had any interest/attraction/friendship, I just let it go.

 

 

I associate dating as something where you just feel dead inside right from the start.

 

My only two non-dead inside relationships were the two guys I have discussed. It was just so nice to have someone in my life that I had feelings about. Every night, he called to ask me about my day and he really took time to listen. My five months of a miracle are over.

 

I don't know how to change this. Hence, the self-pity.

[DN]

Time to get some counselling from an expert for this, there is something going on that needs addressing before it ruins your life.

 

I suspect something has happened in your past that has caused this feeling. Has anyone ever abandoned you as a child (or died) - mother, father, someone close? Some other childhood trauma that gave you a distrust of people, especially of men?

 

Make sure you get a counsellor that you are comfortable with and if s/he doesn't get results, find another who can.

[melrich]

I think what DN meant was more along the lines of self analysis. What is this feeling "dead" all about? I mean I have certainly been on dates in my life where after the first hour or so I knew there was nothing there but you sound like this happens to you in all but 2 cases.

[DN]

I think what DN meant was more along the lines of self analysis. What is this feeling "dead" all about? I mean I have certainly been on dates in my life where after the first hour or so I knew there was nothing there but you sound like this happens to you in all but 2 cases.

 

I did originally, but now feel there is a lot going on that needs addressing by a good therapist.