My marriage is over

[confusedashell]

Hello again!

 

I posted this topic first link removed and now..well this is the update. I really hoped Id never be typing something like this again.

 

Well my wife has pretty much ended all this now. We went through a few days where she actually agreed with me about everything and things were looking up. We held eachother, kissed, talked about the future of what we'd do, planned to spend more time on eachother and taking care of our relationship. She told me she loved me so many times. We did things together..just simple things like go for dinner and all that.

 

Well then she went off to work one day and came back and said she didnt want us to continue. That she doesnt want a relationship and wants to be alone. When I told her that I loved her and wanted to give her that time alone (she has been going on about living alone for awhile since the day I met her) so that we can move on she said we should figure it out so we could do that and get back together after. Then at night before she left to visit her mother I just asked straight out: Is there any point in you thinking about this? because she said she really needed to think. I todl her just to tell me, not to spare my feelings or anything, just say it straight. And she did: she doesnt feel enough for me "like that" anymore. She loves me and cares for me but she doesnt love me like "that". She doesnt want to be together with me anymore. It was honestly like a bomb just went off. I was in complete shock! Up to two weeks ago she was telling me she loved me more than anything, that we were going to spend our lives together and then this!? It just doesnt make any sense! When I read all the posts on this forum and think about how it was personally with previous girlfriends that I ended with, it was a long drawn out process where its impossible to talk about the future, impossible to tell them you love them. Hard to hold them or kiss them and having sex with a really difficult thing to do. But that was never the case with us. She told me only a few days ago how much she loves me to hold her and kiss her. she still calls me by our "petnames". We had a lot of sex! She even did things like kiss my fingertips that she only did when we were first going out and so in love. She had "that look" on her face!

 

I'm so lost now. I really have this horrible feeling of saddness and almost dread in the pit of my stomach! I mean until so recently we were still planning our lives together! and now its all gone up in smoke? I really pleaded with her that we should try this! That all marriages go through times when it all feels hopefless and doomed but she doesnt want to try. She keeps saying that things would fall back to the way they were! and I'd ask her to have some faith in me, trust me and I can show her that we can fix this but she says that shes not interested! That if she stayed with me now it would be because of our son and because she doesnt want to let me down.

 

I dont know what to think. I think all marriages can have times when it feels like the love is lost and there is no point to it. Its no surprise considering all the stress and worry and the time we spent at our jobs but that she doesnt want to fix it!? That she is not interested! That hurts so much. Really kills me that she just ended this without a fight! The thought of us not being together hurts! the idea that she will eventually get together with someone else hurts. She still insists that we go really well together! Nothing makes any sense!

 

I think if it was more..if things made more sense then this would be easier to deal with. If she had been cold as ice with the love side for a few months. If she wasnt telling me she loved me. Wasnt holding me or kissing me. Wasnt having sex with me much. If she didnt say those things that make me think there is still hope and she does love me. Sometimes I dont even think she really knows what she feels! But she is the kind of person that makes a decision and sticks to it no matter what, so I have to accept that this is over, for good. A part of me is still in denial. That eventually when she gets this living alone thing out of her system she'll see how good things were with us and see how much she loved me. That when all the daily life problems are gone she'll realise she wants to be together with me. But I know in my logical brain this isnt going to happen. I just need to accept that. and to accept that once she gets that out of her system she'll move on and find another man to be with. That thought almost makes me want to die. The thought of the love of my life with another man! The mother of my child! My wife! Shes not even interested to sort out a divorce. She says we just do that sometime later. That we dont need to sort that out right away. Even though its just to sign a paper, leave it to the court house with about 30euros and thats that.

 

I dont know what to do. Feels like everything I've done and planned for, the life we made and even recently planned for is all gone. I dont know where to turn or what to do. I'm finding it REAL difficult to drop this and accept that my marriage is over and our family is broken up. In fact, I cant deal with it. I cant accept it. She hasnt told anyone we're done. I guess she tells her mother tonight. She just acts like nothing really. That hurts too. I just dont know what to do.

 

Anyone have some advice!?

[HajiMaji]

Buddy, this stings. There arent to many things in life that sting this bad. So, no matter what is happening to your emotions now just try to survive. The process for getting past this is very long and not fun at all. In time youll feel more comfortable with it. Its perfectly ok to feel everything your feeling.

 

Its a time for grieving, much like if a loved one died. Grieving is very important and you need to go through all those stages of loss. Be brave and youll make it through.

 

Also man, i know how hard it is going to be to get your mind at peace. Dont forget YOU were the one who was trying to fix the relationship. Thats what special people in this world do. Your wife didnt want to try and fix the relationship. As much as it sucks, its like a math problem.

 

The relationship can only be fixed if everyone in the relationship wants to fix it. You wanted to, but she didnt. It stays like that because theres nothing you can do to make her change her mind. You did your part and im really sorry you are going through this.

 

My biggest piece of advice: Whenever you are feeling really down or confused or hurt post on these forums. Youre going to be going through a long process of healing and its very hard. I wouldnt have made it without the support of others. I was so low i couldnt even really get myself up. It took a lot of people cheering me on and feeling like crap to start climbing out of the sadness hole. You can do it man, youve already proved how much you cared for the relationship with your wife. Use that same degree of care on yourself now to help you through.

 

Time. Give it time. Time fixes everything. As long as you let time do its thing youll be ok. It just sucks that time doesnt work faster, but at least it works 100 percent.

[confusedashell]

yeah mate, I know whats got to be done. I really try to move past it as much as I can already by planning to move home (im not from sweden), getting my old job back and those type of things. But its not easy. I do still love her and will always do. My love for her was and is almost unconditional. No matter how bad things got, no matter how much she blamed me for all the wrong things in her life, I still loved her and wanted to be with her. The more I think about it, she probably never really loved me. I trily think that if you truly love someone then that doesnt just die. Its always there. I think that hurts the most. That throughout our life, the last six odd years, throughout all our planning for the future (even recently), throughout everything, she probably never really loved me as much as she said she did. Evereything I did was to give her the life she wanted so much. I left a great job that I liked a lot and paid well so she could move back and do her studies. I worked my a.ss off in two horrible jobs day and night without sleep, losing friends..all because of her. I truly didnt mind too much. It was hard but I always figured that this is whats best, that her and me would always be together anyway. That no matter what problems we had, we could work through it all. Thats the painful part.

 

I started to get my things in order today. She has gone to visit her mother for a few days. She lives far away and this was planned for awhile. like a little hoiday. I had to work so I didnt go. But ow that shes gone away I need to focus on the future. I'm starting to pack some smaller things, even though I will still probably live here another few weeks.

 

The other hard thing is not knowing where to go from here. Having had that relationship for the last six years and having us plan for our lives together, I dont know what the hell I'm going to do now. The plan was to stay here in sweden until she finished and then move back, so I didnt make any real plans for the next four years. Now thats all gone. In fact, I regret not being more..selfish in someways. Not planning for my own life. That was totally stupid of me. I put so much faith in her and our relationship. I really didnt think this would end anytime soon. If at all!

 

Its all a mess. The worst part is that i would like to have absolutly no contact with her for sometime, but we have a four year old son together. So that means we will always HAVE to be in eachothers faces. if we want it or not. Id like for tyhings to be good between us for his sake, but I cant just see her as a friend and I cant stand there watching her "move on". Its not going to be easy at all.

 

Thanks for the words!

[brando]

confused,

right now do nothing. Dont react, and dont act with her. Their is more going on here then she is aware of. Just agree with her no matter what she says. No begging, no pleading, no looking for reasons or answers from her. Give her exactly what she wants. Live your life.

 

All you have is you, with or without her, dont forget this. Your life needs to come first regardless if your married or not. Start living for you again, and if she wants to be their she will, if she doesnt, well then she wont be their.

 

Their is nothing you can do, so dont try. I read once, it doesnt matter how you feel it is all about how she feels. It took me a long time for this to sink in, and i learned this much too late in my divorce. I could have saved myself some grief.

 

If you do love this woman, than what is important is her being happy, even if it is without you. And do you really want a woman who doesnt feel the same way about you? You deserve more than that.

 

Dont fight with her, it is hard for the both of you. Believe me it is no easier for her, no matter what she is teling you.

 

Hang in their. And take care of yourself. Feel your feelings and then release them. Watch your thoughts, they are not real, just thoughts.

[confusedashell]

Thanks for the words and advice. It does help!

Im really on a rollercoaster ride of emotions now. One min I'm ok and the next I just break down. I dont know whats going on. I dont understand any of this. She says there is no one else and that she doesnt want a relationship for a long time. just to be alone. so how can you stop loving someone that you up to two weeks ago were promiseing youd always be together with?? shes an honest person, she'd rather say nothing than say a lie so i think she meant it. I dont know. I feel cheated as hell too. All this, what we have done in the last five years has been COMPLETELY about her. Her studies. She wanted them soooo badly and I did everything to make it happen in the best way possible. I worked so much at bad jobs and not seeing any future for me personally and it made me depressed sometimes..at least sad and angry...but is that a reason to stop loving someone? isnt that the time you stand by them, the times when you should be there the most? when the other person is down and in greatest need of your help and love! But not with her. this caused her to stopping loving me I guess. I dont know what to do now. and when it comes to out son, I know I'll get burned again. he'll end up here with her and I'll maybe see him a few months of the year until he starts to get old enough to realise he wants to spend time with his friends. I just lost in everyway possible. She gained from all this.

Im a mix of anger, sadness, regret, confusion, disbelief...all at once. I cant see anything to be happy about.

[brando]

I can identify with what you are going through. Sometimes struggle is a sign for another to bail out of a relationship. I dont know.

 

 

I know how you feel, been theri myself. If u need to talk you can pm me.

 

be well,

Brando

[confusedashell]

I dont know whats going on in her head to be honest. She if off at her summer place for a break now with our son, like I said, something that was planned a few months ago so nothing to do with all this. And she called me twice yesterday. Just talking pretty normally like nothing has happened. When I ask if she had told her mother that this was over she said no. How can you sit there in a place with no TV, just you and her, eat dinner and five horus later not have mentioned that your marriage is over? Makes just zero sense to me. Then she starts to tell me that I'm the love of her life. I got a little irritated with that and said she shouldnt say things to either lead me on or to keep a door opened for herself or to try and make me feel better and she swore on our sons life thats not why she said it, that its totally true. Then she ends the conversation with "I Love you". Granted, I said it first..dont ask me why...but she said it back. Says shes been thinking about me up there since she came..I dont know. none of this makes any sense. I told her I know this is over, i just want to talk about what to do with our son and for me to get out of there and move on.I told her I hope you are happy and this is what you want. I hope that sooner or later you find someone else and be happy there too. You know what she says then: "I dont want to even think about a relationship for a long time, idont want that..and when I do want it, I want it to be with you"...I'm like what the F*CK!? You just told me you dont love in in "that way" anymore and you're not interested in being together with me...she says thats how she feels, that we go so well together...I dont have a clue what to do.

I read so many breakup and divorce stories the last few days, talked to a few mates who've ended things with their girlfriends and none of it paralells our story. There was no decrease in sex, we were always up until and including the day we said that really affectionate towards eachother, we said I love you or miss you too each at almost any given oppturnity. We werent sneaking around on eachother, we made plans for the future, there was NO warning signs. Everything seems to have come from some werid paranoia that I didnt love her or want to be with her anymore. I dont know whats happening. Thats the worst part. Not knowing where I stand. She says she doesnt love me like that anymore, but in the next breath that I'm the love of her life!?! that we go so well together?? that later she wants us to get back together once she has had th chance to live a life relationship free? Anyone I've spoken to about this who knows us is in complete shock at it. They dont know what to think...

 

Im going out of my mind here...

[confusedashell]

well she called again..three times in one day. I really needed to know where I stand so I can start to plan so i asked right out if there was any point in me continuing to fight for this and she said no. I asked if she was certain this wasnt anything else and she said yes. i asked if there was someone else and she said no and there thats the furthest thing from her mind. i asked why she said i was the love of her life and she said because i am. i asked why she said that if she wanted a relationship in the future it would be with me and she said thats what she wanted. dont know whats in the future though. asked if there was some reason that all this happened and she said no, she just doesnt feel like that for me anymore. no reason really. and thats that. it's over. not a fight. no trying to fix anything. she doesnt love me anymore and wants to be on her own. she doesnt want this relationship anymore. she doesnt want a divorce. theres no rush with that she said.

[winkie]

Well the only thing I can say is that I feel bad for her...not knowing what she is doing. Maybe she tried all those things because she truly wants to be with you. Is there someone else. I am sure you dont want to hear this but things in the future will get better for you. You reallyshould not talk to her or take her calls until she knows what she wants. it will only hurt you more. You seem like a really caring person...you should be happy that you are not the one that doesn't know what they want. This type of stuff can put you through the ringer but in the end know that YOU did everything you could for this relationship and if it doesn't work out it was not because of you ..and she will have to live with letting go of someone like you. I wish you good luck. I have to say that enotalone helped me almost 4 years ago with my breakup. So this is the place to be. Try going on other forums to help people that might make you feel better. I have to say that you cant analyze anything someone else does because you will never know why and you will make your self crazy.

[confusedashell]

Thanks for that! I really wish I could have no contact with her, but we have a four year old son together so we have to be around eachother a lot and have a lot of contact. If it wasnt for our son then this would be a hell of a lot easier to just not have any contact with her. She has called me three times since yesterday. I dont know. I accept that she doesnt love me anymore for whatever reason and she doesnt want this relationship anymore. Of course it tears me up to hear that the woman I loved and married, the woman I planned to spend my life with doesnt want that with me anymore. I just wish she had known this longer than a couple of weeks, so I could have seen this coming in some sense. Not have had the idea that all was fine. I guess I'll always love her, I dont think that will ever go away or can be helped. Its going to be hard to talk to her as just another girl and not my wife. Im not sure how thats going to work. We've never been anything but together really.

 

No, there isnt someone else. I believe her. She would tell me. i know it. But thinking that in the future, sooner or later, there will be is so hard for me to deal with right now. The thought of that I dont think will ever hurt less with time. because i think her and me were meant to be. And I know that until recently she felt like that too! She told me a thousand times in the last few months that. oh well, i guess there is no logic or science behind love and emotions so I accept that she cant explain why she doesnt love me anymore, she just doesnt.

 

Someone said once that the hardest thing, the most hurtful thing in the world mustbe when you love someone so much and they dont feel anything like that back for you. There is so much truth in that. I feel like I'm at an all time low now. trying not to let her see that, but I'm really down.

[winkie]

Of course you will feel like that. It was your wife not just some stranger. But remember this you will also meet someone in the future. Life is not over you were someone before her and you will be someone after her. If it wasnt for this union you would not have a 4yr old son who probably worships the ground you wlak on. Yes you will have to be in contact but just let her know that this is hard on you and you know that you have to talk for the sake of your son but hopefully she will not use that to call you more than she has too. I know you dont want to hear this but time heals everything and if it doesn't heal it it certainly can make it better. I do hate that feeling and it will seem to last forever but I loved helping people and that made me feel better when I had my break up years ago. Just keep an open mind to knew things and experiences. PLease dont dwell at home go out and keep busy.

 

"In the end, people will not be judged on what they have done to others, but they will be judged on what they have done to themselves."

 

Good Luck

[confusedashell]

I know what you're saying and you're of course totally right. The problem is Im finding it almost impossible to accept that its over. I mean only a few weeks ago when I went off for the weekend she was sending me mails saying how much she missed me and couldnt wait for me to come home. Last week before all this she was telling me to stop being at the computer and come and cuddle with her and watch Tv with her...It just all happened SO fast. and the break was so CLEAN CUT. There really wasnt a period were it all felt werid. We had a few problems that were completely stress related to our everyday lives, that were totally fixable. and I am finding it so hard to accept that she just doesnt want this relationshop anymore and gave me the old "love you but not IN love with you" as the excuse. that she is not at all interested to stay together and fix things.

 

had this all been cold and strange for a few months then i could accept that things were just going downhill fast the last while, but when it just didnt go like that, I feel angry and fustrated that she is acting like this!

[Demond34]

We'll never understand what exactly women want, b/c sometimes they are unsure of what they want.... Think back a couple of months ago, was there anything that she would say to you or do that showed something was bothering her? Like she felt trapped, overwhelmed, wanted to do something for herself, needed space? Has she been stressed at all, stuck in a rut?

 

I felt the same way you did, then I looked back after we were split up for a lil while and noticed some things. Alot of times we get caught up in a routine with our SO and are blinded of whats really going on. Until I took a step back and viewed the relationship as an outsider, I understood more. By no means do I understand it all, b/c I'm still confused. Give her some time and try not to do everything on her terms. Thats my problem, I need more self control. With my girl its like she doesnt want to talk when i call her or talk about the relationship, but when she wants to talk its ok. Or when i ask her to hang out, I get i dont know what i'm doing. But then she'll call me and ask me to do something with her. I can't let her do that to me anymore.

 

All in all, take a step back from the relationship and try to get a different view or understanding of it. Afterall she did fall in love with you for who you were, maybe you need to get yourself together and your confidence sky high and do your thing, and your raise her interest level in you back to the way it was. She'll see the person she fell in love with and want you back sooner as opposed to later.

 

I've read a ton of things about relationships the past month and the most common pattern was to raise the woman's interest level that she has for you. The premise is that, they want what they can't have. Its hard to do this, b/c most men (including me) try and give the women want they want or say the things we think they want to hear. This also includes begging, pleading, asking for a 2nd chance, professing love. Maybe its just a timing issue in the situation with this theory.

 

I know you have a son, but maybe making yourself less available to her only contact for your son's sake. Start something different with your life, breakup the old routine and do something that makes you happy and show her that youre a strong, confident man.

 

My buddy is going thru the same exact thing as you are. SHe wants a divorce, he didnt. He played her games for about 2 months. She'd only see him on her terms. When they did hang out, they would cuddle watch movies, kiss, say i love you's. Then the next day she'd bring up the divorce. She'd also say that she would want to get back with him later, once they got their lives straighted out. Well he had enough of the ups and downs and just decided to walk away. Told her 2 weeks ago that it'd be best if they just stopped talking. I applaud him b/c it takes alot of self-control and discipline to do something like that. Hes been getting his life together and i've found out that shes been having problems as of late.

 

He would love to be there to help her out but right now thats not his concern or business since she brought up the divorce and wants to go thru with it. He tried to save it but nothing was working, so the only other thing to do was walk away and improve his own life.

 

You'll get thru this, it just takes time even though at times it seems theres no amount of time that would correct it. I'm struggling myself brother. Good luck with everything!

[confusedashell]

Mate, I dont get them at all. And if I'm being honest I really cant see anything. Yes we had problems. We both worked a hell of a lot. I worked a lot so she could study and not have to think too much about the money side. So that caused problems. But they were nothing that couldnt be fixed with just us spending a little time together.

 

She talked about not being in a relationship since the day I met her. I knew that someday she would want that, some time on her own, despite her pleading her love for me and our relationship. But i actually thought she'd just grown out of it lately. But yeah a month ago she said she wanted it and I told her its fine with me but practically we cant do it because we couldnt aford another apartment. I suggested she go and live with her mother for a few weeks or something. She was prety tired from working, studying and taking care of our son while I was either working or sleeping. So I understood her. I wanted to help her out.

 

Yeah, I know what you mean mate. I really dont want to speak to her unless its absolutly necessary. she has been away for two days now and called me four times. not for any real reason. just to chat as if nothing had happened. in a lot of ways I dont think she knows what she wants. You dont stop to love someone that fast and she even says now that I'm the love of her life, so what the hell is she doing in that case? But you're right. She'll probably call again tonight or tomorrow and I'm going to tell her that its best that we have as little contact as possible. I guess its hard to do because I really do want my family back together and to be with her again so I guess I risk pushing her away or making her think I'm not interested in her like that anymore, I dont know. But i think its that or nothing. We've always been a little..ehh i guess "lovey" with eachother..telling eachother how much we loved eachother, missed eachother when we're not around..how wed always be together, dreaming about the future together. it was always like that. so in some ways I think she likes that..i dunno. but its gotta stop now.

 

Honestly, I started to laugh a few mins ago because this all seems so unreal. All the stories people on here talk about lack of sex, affection and all that for months in advance. we had nothing like that. I dont know. The only think I know is Im moving back to the UK and she is going to have to stay here in sweden. I want her to move back so that is the easiest thing for us with our son. Thats what I need to talk with her about, what we will do about him.

[confusedashell]

well just an update if anyone is interested..I need to vent it all anyway.

 

She called me this morning from the summer place and we talked. Then she asked if she could call me later tonight to give me the address to the place so I could post up some clothes for our son who will stay there an extra ten days with his grandmother. So then she calls me in the middle of dinner and I say call me back later on, I have to eat now. Short and too the point. So she calls me back and just starts to chat. Then i said, so whats the address? and she goes.."ehh, I dont have it here... and changes the subject. I told her that I love her and Im not trying to be mean but that any contact we have from now on should be minimal and JUST about our son. She said she understood how I felt. So then she chatted for another few minutes about our son and then says "ok well I put on the sauna now so Im having a bath and a sauna and then off to bed" and I said again.."whats the address for that place so I can sedn the stuff tomorrow so he has it by monday" and she said she didnt have it there but asked when Id be home tomorrow so she could call me then and give it.

 

Now, maybe Im paranoid. But shes been up there two days and called me FIVE times. Why cant see just leave it alone? If shes not into this, not in love with me, why bother? She KNOWS I cannot be just her "friend". After I told her that I loved her and just wanted min contact I said "i aint gonna bother chasing this anymore...if its meant to be then we'll get back together..if not then, thats that" and you know..she says "theres a big chance that we will be back together"...

 

now I'm just starting to get really p*issed off.

[Demond34]

Well that we'll be your choice to make, not hers. Shes been pushing your attempts of saving the marriage away. You've done all you could, so when she does come around to wanting you back (looks that way) it'll be your choice if you even want this or not. You might learn alot by being by yourself and that you don't need someone else to make you happy. Who knows? ... The old saying Everything happens for a reason. WHo knows, you guys could get back together and closer than ever.

 

Only time will tell, and it looks like your're on the right track!

[confusedashell]

It all depends on how she handles this thing with our son. Thats what this all hangs on and thats how I will judge her. I truly want BOTH of us to have DAILY access to our son, regardless of what happens with us. That we both are able to have that access to him. Because we're from different countries then this will be tough. I made a suggestion that I think is good. That we take a year to sort out her moving her studies to the UK. Me and my son can move there right away and in the meantime she concenrates on her studies and has our son at least 35-40% of the time this year. I really think its best that he has SOME kind of base and grounding. That in that year she AND me try everything to make it happen to help her move to the UK. I'll fix it from that end and she works on it from here and in a year we both live in the UK, close enough to eachother and thats all settled. In the meantime I said I could continue to look for a decent job up here and if I found one, I'd come back and live. But shes worried she wont make it alone in the UK. I told her I'd help her because this is about our son. She knows it would be VERY difficult for me to even find a decent job here. When we lived in the UK before she had very good jobs and got them easily. She knows that the WORST that could happen to her there is a job in a call centre. The worst that can happen me is unemployment and poverty. I told her that I made some big sacrifices for her, this relationship and her studies so that I think the least she can do is make sure that my relationship to my son does not get badly affected. She is back on sunday, but has to work early monday morning. So she will come back after work and stay the night and we will talk about what to do with him.

 

To be honest, Im not even thinking about if we will get back or not. If she does want us to get back later then SHE will have to do a lot to convince me that she is sincere and mature enough for it. She wants to be on her own. Thats what this is all about. I dont know how she feels about me, she says she doesnt love me but I really dont think thats the case. Its this teenage need to live by herself has taken over everything else. Hell who knows, I've probably found someone else by then.

 

Thanks for the words mate! all this support helps a lot!