Should I Stop Trying...

[Morning_Star]

Hello everyone I am having some issues with my really close friend. She and I have been friends for almost 3 years. I am really starting to feel some kind of way about our friendship. Every time I ask her what is she doing for the weekend, she sometimes would tell me that she do not know and there are other times when she would tell me that she do not have plans at all. When I ask her would she like to hang out or do something, she would always say that she have to let me know or something like that. When I follow-up with her she would act like there is nothing for us to do. IT seems like she manage to find time to spend with her other friends but not me. I do not say anything to her about it because I do not want us to get into an argument. It is really starting to hurt my feelings I do not know what to do anymore. Should I just stop trying to make an effort to hang out with her?

 

Your advice is greatly appreciated.

[jna35]

It sounds like she may not be a true friend, but if you value your friendship sit down and talk to her about your feelings. If she is your friend she won't want you feeling left out and pushed aside. True friends care about the other's feelings!!

[Blurr]

Certainly doesn't sound like a close friend to me. But I would say let her be the one to initiate things. I know I've had the same situation occur with my best guy friend...and, while we're not as close as we used to be, we're still friends.

 

Problem with him is that he's usually too involved in his own "life" to call me or ask me to do something, so it always has to be me that calls. If I don't call for a while things just sorta...drop off.

 

I'd say, if you are really wanting to save the friendship, you sit down and talk with her as jna35 mentioned. If she gets all uppity and starts an argument...well, then it's pretty clear she isn't keen on talking about it. Perhaps time to just let her go and hang with your other friends? She'll come around eventually I'm sure.

[Cynder]

Way the cost and the benefits. If you will lose more by moving then you'll gain by taking the job then don't take it, and vise versa.

[misery12]

Cynder, what are you talking about?

[swift44]

i think it would be best ot jsut up and ask her, why she does that, and be calm so she doensty think you are startying an argument but you wont know anything unless you man up and ask her and talk about the situation, good luck

[Queenrobin]

Hi, well I have a friend who is exactly like that she's been my 'best mate' for 9yrs but she never wants to go out-everytime I ask her to mine she won't come, we do live quite far apart-but nothing that a lift from her dad or a bus journey wouln't solve. She always says she hasn't got any money, can't get here etc but then she meets people she doesn't know off the internet who live halfway accross the country. To be honest now I'm just a bit fed up with it and don't even bother asking her out anywhere. I suggest you do the same with your friend, then maybe she'll realise what's she's losing and ask you out somewhere. Friendships can't be one sided!

[Cynder]

Cynder, what are you talking about?

 

Um, oops!!! Give me the dummy of the year award now. I have no idea how I could have done that, but I was actually meaning to reply to another thread. Maybe my computer is posessed, lol.

[Queenrobin]

LOL

[Morning_Star]

I would like to thank all of you for taking time out and providing me with your feedback. It is so hard to just give up on a friendship but I think I am going to just keep my distance. I really do not deserve to be treated that way. When I call her, she sounds so irritated by the sound of my voice and it really hurts because I know that I have not done anything to her.

[Queenrobin]

Your welcome! Yeh, that's right-you deserve a friend who will be phoning you and pleased to get your call any time of day or night.

[Abby]

I just want to say that I can relate to your situation and can really feel your hurt.

 

I'm curious about what is the best and most straightforward way to ask a friend if they'd like you to stop contacting them, without your question causing them to become defensive.

 

I have – or rather had – a friend who, four years ago, drastically reduced responding to my communications. I'm talking like what was a letter a month, plus emails, IMs and text messages, went down to a letter a year and nothing else.

 

I asked if something was wrong = silence.

I asked again = more silence.

I asked again = Denial that anything was wrong then subsequent silence. More communications = silence.

I asked again if something was wrong = Denial and annoyance that I asked the question more than once (like I should have known from the silence that everything was ok - ??? - actions speak louder than words).

I tried giving her space = silence.

I tried regular contact but was always afraid she felt I was harassing her = silence.

So, I want to ask her if she wants me to stop contacting her but I don't want the question to cause her to become defensive. There's no point in my asking her anymore what's wrong because she doesn't want any confrontation, hence the silence and my conclusion that she doesn't want to seek resolution. She wants me to 'go away quietly' but I need her to tell me that. I don't mind-read by default. I just want to know once and for all.

 

If you want to talk more about this, please feel free to email me.

 

Take good care

Abby

[swedeace]

It sounds like this so-called "friend" is just trying to let you down politely to get you off her back. I've had a similar situation happen to me months ago. I'd repeatedly ask if this guy would like to hang out with me. He was just being polite in the beginning by developing vacation photos and everything. It really took me about eight months of just one-sided persuasion and time and energy on my behalf and zero effort on his. I finally had to just let this "friendship" (note the quotes because we had no friendship even if I was blinded thinking there was one) die.

 

As someone already said, if you value it, then have a heart-to-heart talk with her. She'll either explain or she won't which will give you the answer.

[queenofvalidation]

Way the cost and the benefits. If you will lose more by moving then you'll gain by taking the job then don't take it, and vise versa.

 

Call me crazy!!! I actually understood your response to Morning_Star's question!

LOL

 

Seriously tho...here's an analogy...

i love my cat. But, my cat wraps around my leg incessantly everytime i get near it. i nudge it away with my foot and it comes back over & over & over. I find it annoying but know that if i pet my cat, she will want more & more attention, hence more of the same annoying behavior.

[Morning_Star]

I would like to thank everyone again for providing me with your honest feedback, everyone in some way helped me deal with my situation. Thanks to all!

[ewueetddotsevolrekciwaroc]

I have thought about going as far as quiting a new job i have because of an impossible crush I have on a woman 24 years younger than I am. She has this most startling girl next door power to turn heads I have ever personally witnessed and.... I am a very attractive divorced man in my mid 40's and we live in a small, somewhat remote community pretty limited in the number of new women coming into the area. On the first day at work and from the second I was introduced to the owners younger sister, I knew I had a serious problem. I had an almost instant dread and at the same time a rushing burning pleasure deep in the soul when I first looked her in her face, and remember shaking my head inside my head at how flawless her face and mouth looked to me as she smiled, took my hand and said, "hi", imeadiatly eclipsing this simmering minor crush I had at the time on a girl standing just right behind her. This 20 year old girl had just moved here and was staying with the older sister business owner at the time and knew I was looking for a roomate to share an apartment or house with because this older sister told her right in front of me. The next week, right out of the blue she asked me if I would be her roomate and had a house she was looking at in some paper. I almost instantly reacted and told her that I had to decline her offer,partly because of this secret crush and also her age and made an excuse to her that I couldnt possibly get the money for this in such short notice. It was'nt long before I then started noting she was exhibiting body launguage like twisting her hair when she talked to me, calling me by my full name more than once a day, and then I would repeatedly catch her watching my body out of the corner of my eye when I was working and then more body language to reinforce my fears that she had some kind of a crush on me! Now I love and need my job to be able to stay in this beautiful area that i live in and i love the people i work with, but a double crush on the owners sister who is 24 years younger really caught me totally off guard, so I balked and lost my heart for not loosing my job or risking loosing it or risk humiliation because of my attraction for such a young women. I knew it was only a matter of time, and to my horror only days passed before she had this guy and he was all over her and french kissing her passionatly just at the bottom of the stairs at work in full view as I walked by. Now it feels like total war going on within my body whenever I have to be there when she is at work and or they are together at work. I dont know what to do, she is always at work and I have been unable to find enough flaws to downgrade her in my mind. She is the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last on it if I finally stare myself off to sleep. Why now, why here when I am at my most vulnerable does this have to happen and it just keeps on mushrooming because there is clearly nobody here for me right now and i am not leaving any time soon. I have no one to talk to about this crush because its such a small community, I really trust no one with this and there is no chance I am going to tell anyone about this crush unless its her. When I have to interact with her at work now it feels like my crush for her is just all over my face, I avoid her as much as possible and almost never look her in the eye. She still does the hair twisting thing almost every time she is not working and in my presense wether we are alone or in small groups. I look at her boyfriend and think..he's a miscreant, always has on dirty clothes, and they live together unbelievably in a Tee-pee...a tent... at over 8000ft elevation. Yesterday the older sister asked me right in front of her if I was attracted to "so and so", who is a mutual friend of ours, and "why dont you date "so and so", so my problem seems to ride around on my sleeve. She rules my life, i cannot sleep or eat...really loosing it. need help.