Help me, I don't know what sex I am anymore?

[Tigris]

At school I avoided looking at girls when we changed into swimwear! 1st crush was a farmer's daughter when I was 13! A bf from 13-16 (no sex). A man tried to touch me inappropriately when I was 13! My school friends were into male pop stars, etc. I liked Colonel Wilma Dearing (Buck Rogers in the 25th Century).

 

At 16 (friend's 21st party) she rested her hands on my shoulders while I was sat at the table. It was electrifying! We went on holiday and I was shocked when I saw the double bed! I didn't dare go to sleep,I was frightened of what I might do! (Didn't fancy her!) I lay on the edge with my back towards her and my arms folded!

 

A couple of bf's but it felt like I was kissing a brother! Engaged at 22 (friends for 10 years). Same year 2 men making inappropriate advances. One was my future father-in-law! (I nearly had a nervous breakdown because I couldn't cope!) 3rd year of marriage husband refused to have sex! No explanation! (Only thing I can think of is his father had made sex advances once to often and I'd had to tell him!) Frustrated, definitely, so DIY. When I did he became angry! 'If you'd do your job properly, I wouldn't have to!' No sex 2 years! (Marriage lasted 5 years)

 

Year previously I'd fallen in love with a tuba player! We became friends but he never knew about my feelings! We got together when my divorce was going through. Divorced 6th Jan 1992. Married 1st February 1992.

 

For 7 years I was ok! In 1999 I fell in love. We'd worked/been friends for a year. I asked her she felt about one of our friends being a lesbian. She said ok so I confided in her that I thought I was bi! A year later at a wedding disco (partners included), she walked in and I felt like a hammer had hit me. Wasn't drunk, only had 0.5 pint! 'Thank God she's going on holiday for 2 weeks. I'll be ok when she gets back. I couldn't eat or sleep and didn't want my husband to touch me!

 

My friend, her boyfriend, my husband and I often drank together but I didn't dare have alcohol. I knew if I did I'd make a pass at her no matter who was there! Eventually I told her, you can imagine the swear words! She didn't feel the same, ...... she trusted me! Weeks went by and she realised how intense my feelings were. 'I think you need to go with a woman!' I looked at her and realised what she meant. 'No! I can't let you sacrifice yourself!' I knew that if I had I'd have liked it too much!

 

She had an argument before she went on holiday. She needed someone to take boyfriend's place. My husband said I could go. I had my doubts so I told her. She trusted me! I didn't trust myself at all anymore! The thought of going away made me terrified/excited! She got a new job and I never knew I wasn't going away until the dates had passed! (It took 3 years for pain to go. A small piece of my heart still belongs to her!)

 

My husband was angry at the way I'd been treated. He wanted to go and see her. 'It wasn't her fault, it was mine!' He was shocked! It's nothing you've done or haven't done, it's been their all my life!

 

For 4 years husband worked as holiday coach driver. I only saw him overnight once a week. Last year we got a new neighbour. She couldn't cope with life, had a binge drink problem and her daughter was in care! I had a disability and depression. We became friends and looked after each other. (She knew I thought I was bi!)

 

If she cried I'd cuddle her and wipe away the tears. I started to fall in love! I'd put my arms around her waist when she was washing up. She never spoke, she just calmly dried her hands, removed mine and continued. At night I'd cuddle her before I went home. On numerous occasions I'd take her by the hand and walkd up the 1st two stairs. She'd just look at me and I knew the answer was, No! When I went to bed I'd text her - I want you! Every day we started with a 'clean slate'. This went on for months until I realised that as she got better her personality changed. She wasn't the person I loved.

 

September 2004 GCSE Psychology assignment - 1st impressions. I wrote people think I'm a lesbian because (short hair, jeans, t-shirts, cowboy boots, etc.) However, I think I'm bi! Next lesson the teacher wrote 'Sex and Gender' on the board, turned and looked straight at me. Her eye contact lingered a lot longer on me that it usually did on anybody else. I assumed she was telling me we weren't going into the subject too deeply.

 

Exam time I was stressed! She was constantly on my mind, e.g. don't forget this ...etc. She'd arranged extra lessons to help us! As a thank you I sent a bouquet of flowers. She thanked me and suddenly cuddled me! Did exam. Later in bed I realised I was in love!

 

I sent a letter to her asking to meet in private. She phoned instead. I told her how I felt! She seemed to panic. Suddenly I remembered she shared an office! 'Are you alone?' 'What do you mean?' 'In the office.' 'I'm straight!' 'The flowers were only a thank you.' 'I know!' 'The cuddle?' 'It was a thank you.' 'Lingering eye contact?' 'Hadn't realised I'd done it. Sorry!' 'If I come back to do AS Level Psychology will you teach me?' 'If you're in my class I'll have to tell my superiors.' 'I don't want anybody to know!' 'I'd have no choice! Are you ok?' 'No, I'm not ok.' (She asked twice). I felt like I'd been stabbed! It wasn't that she rejected my love, it was because I felt betrayed because she didn't trust me!

 

I've been married for 13 years!

 

Please help me to understand.

[jna35]

It sounds like you have a lot of inner turmoil. I'm sorry for the pain and confusion you have. I honestly don't know what to tell you except to seek help from a professional that deals with those specific issues. Perhaps they'd be able to offer you the support and guidance you need or direct you to a support group in your area if you're open to it.

[Cadence308]

When I first read your thread I was expecting it to be about someone who is transgendered.

 

You sound like a lesbian. Many lesbians have been married, had kids, had sex with men. Many have not had relationships or sex with men. I think our sexuality is something that is dynamic...it's not set in stone. The things that make us who we are; our genetics and enviornment, influence our attractions. You can't help who you are attracted to. And it sounds like your attractions to women are more intense and occur more frequently than your attractions to men.

 

Have you read anything about the Kinsey scales? If not, I encourage you to do an internet search on it. It helped me to understand my attractions. At first, I thought I was bi, but I am a lesbian. I love the emotional and intellectual connections that I feel with women and have never really felt with a man.

 

I also think it can mess with your head if you are worrying too much about putting a label on yourself. Maybe you truly are bi-sexual, but from your thread, even when you are married, you seem to be lusting after women and longing to be close to them.

 

I hope that helped...

[Tigris]

Thanks Jna,

 

Just received a letter from a Psycho Sexual Counsellor but the appointment's September.

[jna35]

You're welcome Tigris. I am glad you are going to talk with someone. I hope you are able to find the happiness that you deserve!

[Tigris]

Thanks Ballys i'll look into that.

[avman]

Yeah I think the counseling is the best move for you. Sounds like you have a lot of things you need to explore to sort out the torment in your mind and your body.

 

You might take a look through the articles and books here on eNotalone too. Perhaps they will give you some insight into what you are feeling while you wait for your counseling appointment.

 

Have faith though. Things are going to work out just fine - you'll see.

[Tigris]

Thanks Avman